Losing Hope

[AceAutie]

As time goes along I've been losing hope more and more. I can't work or do school due to mental illness and PTSD, so I've been working on trying to get better and be functional again. I briefly saw a glimmer of hope only for it to be crushed the moment I found out Trump was elected. I'd been on a gradual downward spiral for a long time, but once that came up... and I was refused disability for the third time, I just... stopped trying to hope. Mom does all she can to help me, bless her, but it's getting too hard to deal with my mind. I miss my sibling who's in inpatient. It's hard to care for myself, much less the two pets in the house (sibling's snake included). Mom comes to the house to help out, I do get help via an assistant from the government... But I'm running out of money. Mom can't support me out of her own pockets forever. And if Obama Care is gone... I don't know if I'll keep insurance when I turn 26 or whatever, or how long it will be till the next try for disability help. For all I know, that might even vanish in January when he's president. Cause fuck me for having mental illness AND relying on the government right?!

I want to die just so I can stop my mind from spinning all the time.

I'm sick of the tears. I'm sick of the fear of living and being unsure if I'll have enough food to eat, all the while dealing with a binge eating disorder. I miss getting things for myself instead of just scraping by. I'm just... so tired of constantly having to fight and fight when another hill crops up again anyway. I'm sick of the intrusive thoughts. I'm sick of hearing things that aren't there. I'm sick of worrying that one day I won't be able to see my therapist or have basic care. I don't want to be scared anymore. I don't want to pretend to be okay. I don't want to work just to be abused again. I don't know how much more I can take. Goodwill was supposed to help me, but abused me. They don't care about me. They never did. I was just another tool they could toss away and belittle. I can't trust any company like that. I'm autistic, why would anyone want me alive when so many people would likely abort a kid like me if there was a test for autism? I don't feel loved. I don't feel wanted. I doubt anyone would miss me except my close family. The world doesn't understand that I'm a person too. I'm a living breathing autistic person, not a punching bag.

I miss feeling safe in this world. How can I feel safe when the fucking soon to be pres still indorces Autism Speaks, a group who only cares about killing autism? How can I feel safe when he still endorces long disproven things about vaccines causing autism? What's next, is he gonna endorce autistics get shocked to fix them?

I can't do this anymore. I just can't live in constant fear like this. Death is so appealing, but I can't seem to take the steps to finish it, instead it's just self harm and crying.

I want to die but I want to live?

I just wish my mind would decide already, whatever the choice is.

I'm losing my fucking mind and it feels like the world wants me to die.

Edited December 13, 2016 by AceAutie
Because I realized not everyone does too well with my cursing

[IrmaJean]

Welcome to our community, AceAutie. I read your post and I hear you. I hear your pain, your fear, your discouragement, your sadness, and your fatigue.  Sitting here with you. Sending love and care to you.  

I have a lot of concerns too about the upcoming administration and what might happen. I have a brother who is autistic and my daughter struggles with her mental health. I wonder what the future might hold. 

You express yourself beautifully. I hope expressing yourself openly here has offered some relief. My heart goes out to you. You are a human being and you matter. There are people out there who care. I'm sorry you've been hurt by others in your life.

Are you able to comfort and care for the part of you who is tired and hurting?

Can you reach out to someone today, Ace? Your mom or your therapist? You can talk and share more here too, if you feel comfortable doing so and it is helpful to you. I hope you stay safe.

Sending you some ...

  

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