help me Why am I so messed up?

[Ava]

Hello, I don't know if anyone is seeing this but if so please help me. I'm a 14 year old girl from America and I masturbate about 2-4 times a day on average, watch porn, and am an overall horny person. It's basically constant like I just cannot get over the horniness. I have no memory (even a repressed one) of being molested, raped, or touched at all. Yet I feel so sexually messed up. I started masturbating when I was 4 (I didn't know what I was doing) when I was in preschool me and this other girl would sneak off to the bathroom and touch each other. I now find it really weird and perverted even though I didn't know what I was doing. My parents had to be notified about it once the teachers found out and I pretend like I don't remember it but I definitely do. It's become increasingly worse over the years too. I used to just masturbate regularly but in the year or two I've been doing it to porn. I started out on Instagram with "tame stuff" like dick pics, booty pics, etc. then it just got increasingly worse. One day I was in the bathroom doing it and I came across actual child porn. It was an adult man having sex with a child. I was repulsed yet I couldn't help but be aroused. I quickly masturbated to it to relieve myself and then reported it over and over again to make myself feel better. I still feel ashamed and like an awful pervert for even stumbling across it. I've never seen anything like that ever again thank god but I still get the yearning for more "heavy stuff" like it. I've started watching porn on Pornhub for their large selection. I find myself searching up things like "Forceful gangbang", "Kidnapping", "Real virgins", etc. but it takes me a while to get off on those. What really brought me to realize how disgusting I am is when the other day I was watching a documentary about the youngest sex offenders in America and one of them, Garrett I think is his name...raped his sister multiple times over the course of 4 years. I tried to stop myself but I couldn't and I masturbated, like always I felt the shame and disgust wash over me. It should I mean that is absolutely disgusting why would I do that??? I don't know but the fantasies don't stop there. I have constant fantasies about the worse stuff and I just hate myself for it. I feel like a disgusting pervert even thought I'm a girl and I would NEVER do any of the stuff I fantasize about. I'm also a virgin so I've never had any actual experience so I literally have no idea why I'm so messed up. If you can please help me understand why I'm like this.

[IrmaJean]

Welcome to the community, Ava. I'm sorry you're feeling so distressed and harsh with yourself about this.

Do you think this started as stress relief? I think once we start using something as a means to meet some need or to cope, it becomes easier to go back to it again and again. With pornography, a person may get into a pattern where they then need more and more stimulus to create the same desired response. I don't know what might be happening for you. When you feel the urge to view pornography, are you able to stop and ask yourself what your need is? Maybe it helps to take a step back and breathe? Is there a trusted adult who you can share your concerns with?

Do you have the opportunity to get out and be with people your age, enjoy activities and friendship? I hope so. How is school going? How do you feel in other areas of your life?

[jazz]

Hi Ava. This may be a situation where you need to avoid/limit use of the internet for a while, because it seems like the sites you can access are feeding the difficulties. If you can do that, it would give a chance for more healthy imagery to appear.

[Small]

Ava, it sounds to me like you have a strong sex drive, which if you don't mind me saying, is a healthy and positive thing. I wouldn't worry too much or stress about having watched child porn, or that you are into taboo things. I get the feeling it's the taboo feeling itself that arouses you, rather than the physical form of a child. 

 

I would be inclined to agree with Jazz. I'd stay away from Internet porn and use your imagination for now. Being in the first person might help you have healthier fantasies, relatively speaking of course. You're very young and I hope that you don't feel stressed or upset over this. A strong sex drive is really a positive thing, provided you're able to be safe. 

[Ava]

On 12/25/2016 at 2:23 AM, Ava said:

Hello, I don't know if anyone is seeing this but if so please help me. I'm a 14 year old girl from America and I masturbate about 2-4 times a day on average, watch porn, and am an overall horny person. It's basically constant like I just cannot get over the horniness. I have no memory (even a repressed one) of being molested, raped, or touched at all. Yet I feel so sexually messed up. I started masturbating when I was 4 (I didn't know what I was doing) when I was in preschool me and this other girl would sneak off to the bathroom and touch each other. I now find it really weird and perverted even though I didn't know what I was doing. My parents had to be notified about it once the teachers found out and I pretend like I don't remember it but I definitely do. It's become increasingly worse over the years too. I used to just masturbate regularly but in the year or two I've been doing it to porn. I started out on Instagram with "tame stuff" like dick pics, booty pics, etc. then it just got increasingly worse. One day I was in the bathroom doing it and I came across actual child porn. It was an adult man having sex with a child. I was repulsed yet I couldn't help but be aroused. I quickly masturbated to it to relieve myself and then reported it over and over again to make myself feel better. I still feel ashamed and like an awful pervert for even stumbling across it. I've never seen anything like that ever again thank god but I still get the yearning for more "heavy stuff" like it. I've started watching porn on Pornhub for their large selection. I find myself searching up things like "Forceful gangbang", "Kidnapping", "Real virgins", etc. but it takes me a while to get off on those. What really brought me to realize how disgusting I am is when the other day I was watching a documentary about the youngest sex offenders in America and one of them, Garrett I think is his name...raped his sister multiple times over the course of 4 years. I tried to stop myself but I couldn't and I masturbated, like always I felt the shame and disgust wash over me. It should I mean that is absolutely disgusting why would I do that??? I don't know but the fantasies don't stop there. I have constant fantasies about the worse stuff and I just hate myself for it. I feel like a disgusting pervert even thought I'm a girl and I would NEVER do any of the stuff I fantasize about. I'm also a virgin so I've never had any actual experience so I literally have no idea why I'm so messed up. If you can please help me understand why I'm like this.

 

On 12/25/2016 at 2:56 AM, IrmaJean said:

Welcome to the community, Ava. I'm sorry you're feeling so distressed and harsh with yourself about this.

Do you think this started as stress relief? I think once we start using something as a means to meet some need or to cope, it becomes easier to go back to it again and again. With pornography, a person may get into a pattern where they then need more and more stimulus to create the same desired response. I don't know what might be happening for you. When you feel the urge to view pornography, are you able to stop and ask yourself what your need is? Maybe it helps to take a step back and breathe? Is there a trusted adult who you can share your concerns with?

Do you have the opportunity to get out and be with people your age, enjoy activities and friendship? I hope so. How is school going? How do you feel in other areas of your life?

I think you may be on to something with the "using it as a coping mechanism" thing because for about 2-3 years now I've had moderate to severe clinical depression (I've been diagnosed by a psychiatrist and I see a counselor weekly) and really I'm a lonely person too. I only have about 4 friends and I hate school. My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years moved away recently and I miss him a lot. And most of my friends don't go to my school. 

[Ava]

15 hours ago, Small said:

Ava, it sounds to me like you have a strong sex drive, which if you don't mind me saying, is a healthy and positive thing. I wouldn't worry too much or stress about having watched child porn, or that you are into taboo things. I get the feeling it's the taboo feeling itself that arouses you, rather than the physical form of a child. 

 

I would be inclined to agree with Jazz. I'd stay away from Internet porn and use your imagination for now. Being in the first person might help you have healthier fantasies, relatively speaking of course. You're very young and I hope that you don't feel stressed or upset over this. A strong sex drive is really a positive thing, provided you're able to be safe. 

Your correct I have a VERY VERY strong sex drive. Stronger than most teenage boys my age. I also have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) which causes me to have more testosterone than I should have so I feel like that maybe why my sex drive is so strong. But I don't know for sure.

[Small]

Okay. Well you're a good person - that's the important thing for you to keep in mind. You reported the porn, felt guilty and even posted here. I hope you're able to explore your fantasies in a safe way. It's probably best to stay away from the Internet for a while, especially on a smartphone/tablet device. I think your taboo fantasies are going to generalise into safer areas over time. 

[IrmaJean]

I agree with Small, Ava. Try not to stress and be harsh with yourself about this. And maybe it would be best to stay off the internet for some time. It's natural to be sexual. You're very young and with all of the changes happening to your body, it may take some time to adjust too. 

It's good that you are working with a therapist. I'm sorry about your boyfriend. Loss can be so difficult. I have a daughter about your age and school can be challenging for her as well. Are there any subjects you enjoy or school activities you might have fun with? Maybe this might also present you with the opportunity to make new connections and friends?

Take care, Ava.

[Ava]

On 12/27/2016 at 2:14 AM, IrmaJean said:

I agree with Small, Ava. Try not to stress and be harsh with yourself about this. And maybe it would be best to stay off the internet for some time. It's natural to be sexual. You're very young and with all of the changes happening to your body, it may take some time to adjust too. 

It's good that you are working with a therapist. I'm sorry about your boyfriend. Loss can be so difficult. I have a daughter about your age and school can be challenging for her as well. Are there any subjects you enjoy or school activities you might have fun with? Maybe this might also present you with the opportunity to make new connections and friends?

Take care, Ava.

Yes I make good grades and I'm on the cross country and track teams but I'm not very good at making friends it's kindof a family thing. Neither of my parents have many friends so I don't feel like I have adequate social skills to make and keep friends. I'm usually really nice to people I'm just kindof awkward is the problem.