depression I am not okay

[AlyCat33]

I am an Italian young girl. Way more young than someone can think. But not that much young.

I have schizophrenia, depression, anxiety and really, REALLY bad anger problems, and nobody takes that seriously.

I started knowing I had schizophrenia when I was 8, by seeing a shadow of a little girl with red eyes following me and saying mean things to me, and it's been going for 4 years now. One particular thing that has started this year is when the voices tell me to do something and I ignore it, they start screaming, which makes me scream too. That makes my family think I'm totally insane.

For the depression and anxiety case, I started knowing I had them when I started posting drawing online. I got many haters because I drew with a mouse, but actually I really did appreciate my skills. But then, everything fell apart, and everytime I drew I started crying and hyperventilating, so I stopped drawing and rested. I even had some deadlines, like for a galaxy drawing that I had to make, my deadline was at Wednesday, but I started my drawing in Tuesday. I got so scared, so I decided to delete the deadline and never finish that drawing. I still have it on my art folder.

For my anger problems, they are caused by the lack of eating and sleep I have. I am a girl who barely sleeps and almost never eats, and even if I try to take naps or I try to get a snack, I either feel sick, or my body literally refuses. Whenever someone speaks to me when I'm busy, I start screaming and threathen them, but I really don't want to do that. 

I even have suicidal thoughts. I tried to suicide 20 times in this year. I don't even know how many times I did the past years. Pills, hanging myself, cutting myself, jumping off my window and even poison myself (only once). It never works. 

I always wanted someone to help me, and seeing that this website is about helping people with my same problem made me feel more safe.

Thanks for reading, and I hope I didn't disturb anyone. Have a good day.

-Alice

[IrmaJean]

Welcome, Alycat. This is a whole lot to be coping with. Do you have any support in person? Would your family be willing to help you seek out professional care? It's good that you reached out for help. I'm glad you feel safe to share here.

Is there anything specific that you know of that is preventing you from sleeping well? Lack of restorative sleep can exacerbate other problems we may be having and take a toll on both mental and physical health. Are you able to see a doctor to address your eating and sleeping concerns?

Are you able to draw for your own pleasure without posting online? Maybe doing that for a while could remove some of the pressure you have been feeling so you can get back to enjoying it again. I like to share my art too so I understand the want to do that. I'm sorry you have received cruel responses from others online. :-( Self expression is a beautiful thing, I think, and can feel freeing. Do you take any art classes in school?

It can be challenging to learn how to care for ourselves. One thing that helps me, when I feel frustrated with myself or unsure of how to cope, is to think of how I might respond to a friend with similar concerns. We can become our own caring friend.. in time. It takes some practice, but it's possible. How can you care for yourself now, Alice?  I hope you choose to keep yourself safe.

 

[AlyCat33]

Hello, thanks for answering! I already feel a bit better. 

I had some support from my classmates before, but I think that they started to think that I am faking this (like my brother does, but he's just a child) just to have attention. 

My family did bring me to psycologists, but the more I went there, the more I felt scared and sad. They had to bring me to the hospital too, sometimes. And that made me really, really anxious. I don't like seeing so many people around me. So they decided to help me when I'm at home, and it kinda did help, but not enough to make me stop being anxious and scared.

The things that keep me awake mostly are what I think. I think what would happen if I would just leave, if everyone would be happy or not. I think about my bullies and why they do bully me, if I did anything wrong to them. I think about all the stuff I need to do when I wake up, like school, house chores, drawing commissions, animations, homeworks and stuff like that. I think about why does this happen to me, to my mind. They keep me awake until I literally collapse for 30 minutes, then wake up again for school, which starts at 8:00 am.

I don't have a doctor who can help me about my sleeping and eating concerns yet, since my parents are spending money, because my mom has a problem on her shoulder and she can't move well anymore. But I guess that, after her surgery, I will have a doctor who will help me.

Also yes, I am able to keep myself from posting my art online, but there is this friend of mine online who likes to see my art, so, to keep her happy, I try my best and post it to make her smile. 

I don't have art classes, sadly. I learned drawing all by myself, and I'm still improving. I'm thinking to go in an art school when I grow up. But yet, my drawings are not that much good like everyone expects.

For taking care of myself... Well, I do that in rare cases. Only when I need to go to important places with my parents or when I go to my classmates' birthday. Or else, I don't really like to take care of myself. I don't like perfume nor nail polish, nor dresses or skirts. They make me really uncomfortable. The only way I can feel comfortable with myself is when I wear my favourite hoodie.

Thanks again for answering, it feels so good to get all of this out of my chest.

 

[IrmaJean]

I'm glad you are feeling a little better. It sounds like your family is supportive and that is positive. I'm sorry therapy was not helpful to you. I hope you are able to reach out to family and friends when you need to.

It sounds like your mind starts to run with a lot of thoughts at night. That happens to me sometimes too. Maybe it could help to have a wind down routine? I find that I need to minimize stimulation about an hour before bedtime. No electronic equipment, I turn the lights down, play soft music, do some deep breathing, and reading ( but not on my cellphone). I don't know if any of that might help you, but this routine helps me to relax and fall asleep easier. What helps to relax you?

My daughters love art too. How cool that you taught yourself! That's awesome. :-) Self expression is a beautiful thing. I hope you continue to enjoy art and one day can go to art school.

There are many ways to care for ourselves, I think. We might consider dressing as part of that (though I don't think it so much matters how a person dresses as long as they feel comfortable), but I was thinking more along the lines of emotional self care and standing with ourselves. We might start by becoming aware of our feelings, responses, and needs. Once there is awareness, then there can be acknowledgement and acceptance of any feelings that we might have, hopefully without any judgment. From there, we can listen to our needs, and learn ways to help and care for ourselves as we might care for a best friend. This is something I have been practicing myself over the past years and I find it helpful. 

Wishing you well today, AlyCat33!