9 posts in this topic

I guess i could have posted this on the previous crisis but i decided it should be okay.so let me go back.i went to the hospital for the burn and they said it didn't look that bad i was dehydrated that was all so i had iv fluids.i knew the psychiatrist there and basically what shed do which was send me home but this time i was supposed to go to partial which never happened i did not want to miss out on my young adult group or therapy plus i didnt like listening to peoples drama.so im at home one night and my mom goes out to my aunts then work .im waiting for my dad then i realized he wasnt there just my brother. And i took out a waffle iron in the kitchen but didn't use it.then i realized the stove was left on but instead of all that i stuck my hand in the garbage disposal. Id done it last year around Christmas and it wasnt like i chopped a finger off just cuts and not being able to move them for a couple days.this left a small gash and parents never noticed on that day or the next when i briefly did.but its like three or four days now and im in pain its a small wound on one hand though the others slightly bigger one finger is slightly swollen id give it a 6 or 7 on pain scale.theres no pus its just red and hurting.i tried contacting my casemanger shes stalling me till tomorrow i dont want to go to er cause that female so and so psychiatrist does not care no one in that er cares for me they all think im nuts.i also dont want people saying stuff like superficial so in order to go id have to stick my hand back down and make the wound bigger.or they wont take it seriously.if you dont believe me i jumped from a high shelf in bathroom to try and hurt myself messed up my knee they just said whats wrong with jumping.but it does hurt mainly when i have to move something or hold heavy things.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It sounds like it would be a good idea to go have your finger checked.

Why do you think you self harm, Passionfruit? You don't have to answer if that's too personal.

I hope you will take care and stay safe.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ive done. Self harming for so long its become an addiction. Some people have said its for attention and im not knocking down the ideal its just probably something i do unsubconciously meaning i dont realize what the motive is or what i want or am getting.i honestly think when i turned a certain age maybe 16 i stopped understanding a lot of my behavior. I would go to the store buy pills sometimes take money to overdose.i haven't done that in a long time so its progress.i thought last year after i told my mom i had used the garbage disposal and she was very upset when she came home saying shed leave i thought thatd be enough to stop and for awhile it was i had two er visits for minor things but i felt better then 4 nights ago i got triggered i couldnt help upon figuring out that theyd left the garbage disposal on i just went for it immediately. The force of it when i used it caused me to knock the soap bottle off the counter and i had a injury but i kept doing it till my dad arrived 30 minutes later.the next day they left on again so i repeated cause the damage was not enough i felt.but i was more hesitant and didnt really cause any damage.

Im trying to get to see my regular doctor cause i hate the disrespectful people at the er were i live at.plus its easier to lie to my doctor. I told my casemanger and my aunt they told my mom but she acts oblivious like they didnt tell her i dont know whats going on.why she didnt take it seriously?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, it seems to me, too, that you're unconsciously seeking attention, mainly because you're so upset when people don't take you seriously or pretend they don't know about what you did. But there are probably some other reasons why you've developed this addiction; it would take good psychotherapy to uncover and understand them. Anyway; you know at least about this one: you suffer and people around you don't try (enough) to help you, so you're upset and try to show them you need attention, understanding, and help by harming your body, because injury is visible to everyone, while psychological suffering is hidden and too often dismissed / ignored. So what could you do to move towards what you need? It seems to me it could be helpful to stop using such implicite, "metaphorical" means to communicate your problems to others (family, doctors, ?) as well as stop lying (to your doctor, as you mentioned, for instance). Unfortunately, they don't get it; they don't understand what's going on with you, they're just confused, worried, but also paralyzed by the lack of understanding, so they look like giving up or not caring at all. But it's obvious they'd prefer you to be fine! But how could that happen if you don't help them to help you? You can do it by words much better than by self-injury and suicide attempts. I know talking is often too difficult. But you may write a letter (/several letters) to your family and to the doctors / therapists. You may take several days to do it, to rewrite it, to include everything important and formulate it in a clear enough way. Don't forget to explain your 'history', your current situation, as well as what you think you'd need (from them).

What do you think?

Good luck!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

I think you made me understand me more than I know me.and gethe therapist I have don't seem to touch base on any of this.we honestly don't even talk about the hospital though they have the notes of how I acted.the most I got was from my regular physician who asked how I felt about the  hospital and I told her I didn't really like it because it scared me the way I acted out sometimes like it wasn't me.I remember once I was with my dad had pills in my pocket and I actually smiled at him and proceeded to take them  before security came.

My brother calls me a masochist cause I have a high a high tolerance for pain and he thinks I like it. Honestly at one point I was into a lot of dark sex.not doing reading.were woman were often the helpless victims to men.I stopped after awhile got to terrible.

Sometimes I often thought if I was just somehow mimicing what I'd seen in those books partly in the hospital when I'd acted out and get restrained .the other part I felt I acted out was my older sisters behavior.I used to be a very shy person as a teen but then i saw things that frightened me. .one time my sister wrestling on floor with my mom and a long bloody cut on my moms arm.dad almost punching older sister. Mom punching me in head,ect.

I know i need to stop lying  to my doctors.it's just as a teen I'd always been afraid to ask for help.in was in special education classes  and I'd just get so frustrated cause I knew what I wanted to say but it never came out and if it did it didn't come out  how I wanted it to.now it's carried over to being an adult.apart of me is very scared about going to a psych ward. Cause the acting out behavior just comes back.I'm practically a violent mute in a repeated cycle. The cycle is like this.overdose or poison, er,ambulance to a hospital,refuse to take meds,refuse to drink or eat for a couple of days.I am forced meds and depending on certain factors I either give up or am sent to the er for I've fluids.start feeling better discharge. A couple months later repeat.it's how it happens all the time.

It's like I'm scared to talk to people other than family and friends.I went to an assertive class but  I didn't last very long before I was hospitalized.

But at this point I think you are right i do need to write a letter. I got out of er yesterday for my hand wasn't happy so maybe a letter will make my mind not think bad thoughts

Edited by passionfruit3
Misspelled words

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm very glad to hear you fell understood and you're going to write a letter! Make it a long-one, so that it explains everything you're able to explain for now (you'll surely learn much more about yourself in time and so also others will understand you better than after the first letter!).

1 hour ago, passionfruit3 said:

i saw things that frightened me [...]

I can see now that you've been through a lot in your family :( . It's natural that you've been struggling with psychological problems - seeing such situations (as you described here) can be very traumatizing. Did you talk about them with somebody? With your therapist? And did your parents explain to you what happened and why?

1 hour ago, passionfruit3 said:

My brother calls me a masochist cause I have a high a high tolerance for pain and he thinks I like it.

And did you try to explain it to him? Anyway; it's just useless and even stupid to call you a masochist. It sounds like if your brother needed a simple and fast "explanation" of your "incomprehensible"/complicated behaviour and he doesn't care if it's true, he just wants it to be simple and "ending the need for search for understanding". One day, when you'll understand yourself much better, you'll be able to explain it all to him in a simple manner. Unfortunately, it's possible that in the meantime, he won't be supportive and interested enough. But don't take his opinion as important, don't think that he's right when he judges you. What you could do is to try to understand him - how he sees you (your behavior) and why; the lack of which information prevents him from seeing you more realistically? What info about you would make it easier for him to understand you better?

2 hours ago, passionfruit3 said:

I stopped after a while

Good for you! It's important to stop dangerous behaviour and it's often very difficult, but you did it! :) It can give you more hope for other beneficial changes in your life.

2 hours ago, passionfruit3 said:

I often thought if I was just somehow mimicing what I'd seen

This is one of your important observations. We all have the tendency to mimic what we observe - sometimes more, sometimes less. But knowing that "now I'm acting as somebody I saw (/read about), but at the same time, I think this isn't good, I would prefer act differently" - that's important for getting rid of the behavior! It's you who decides about your behavior. You may sometimes feel like yo don't have enough control, but you can gain it back. It takes efforts and sometimes also therapy. This is surely something to talk about with your therapist: How to gain rational control over your behaviour, how to get rid of unconscious, unwanted mimicking.

 

2 hours ago, passionfruit3 said:

A couple months later repeat.it's how it happens all the time.

Such repetition is typical for psychological symptoms. You can get rid of it - you can break the circle. You just need a professional to help you with it. But you also have to ask the professional for such help.

Good luck!

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh no. I did something bad right before i got this message.i was upset about the fact that i tried so hard not to commit suicide by stopping and only self injuring yet still treated like a prisoner and like nobody cared.so i figured i might as well just go back to suicide.so i got paid today and i went online and bought some motion sickness pills.i regretted after i did it.i dont know how to cancel the order either. I am so stuck.im sorry😢

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Passionfruit, how are things for you otherwise in your life? Friendships? Do you have any hobbies or interests? Recently, I have been enjoying art and nature photography. I find it helps me to create and learn something new.

I hope your day is serene. Take care.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well my friends live far away but we've been friends since 7th grade and I'm 24 now.I have two best friends well three sorta.the third lives closer to were i live and has a one and two year old. One lives in ohio she just moved there last year.I live with my mother and father and little  brother but soon hell graduate and probably leave me to like the voices said everyone would. I don't hear them anymore that much cause of meds but I sometimes remember and believe what they told me at 14.

My friend who is in ohio seems to think I'm having symptoms of hypomania cause I was good talking to family how much I changed wanting to start a business  and doing poetry I'm still signed up for several contest one I'll know the results this month.I might not get it but as long as you try that's what counts cause then you can improve  right? I don't know what happened or when it happened it was like suddenly I was thrown off a mountain.my mom seems to think I don't want to live here but I do I love her and my father.i don't want to die.i understand the difference now what I have is an addiction to hurting myself not to death.i can't convince anyone of that but it's the truth.

So how is everything else?well I have a middle eastern friend who i don't know Wether to run away from or trust.he's very sweet but I'm on the cautious side cause sometimes I feel he is fishing for information.but it's like I'm so alone I don't care.my cat comes to keep me company but she wants all my attention so she'll push my tablet away and I'll be like lucy what are you doing lol.and then she starts doing this odd thing digging her claws into my cover.and I have to tell her to stop.

I also am sick of doctors cause I get super dehydrated super fast even after drinking water. One says it's meds other says it's not meds neither wants to offer to do a thing.but it's terribile

My biggest hope though is to make it to Disney land in July for my sisters for graduation without being inpatient

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now