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Stretching the truth...


YOTH

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@Klingcorn I know what you mean about the latent homosexuality. I pinballed between straight, gay, bi-sexual, a-sexual. Being abused by older boys as a kid left me not knowing what the fuck I was, maybe some sort of sexual husk to be used for other 'normal' people's pleasure. In the end I had to ask what it was all for. I could either fall into an abyss of booze and drugs or jump off a fucking bridge. There was no hope back then, I cried myself to sleep coming down from some nightmare bender every night wired on coke and speed and ecstasy and whatever else I could get my hands on, which was everything because all my mates were dealers. The best thing I ever did for myself was to turn down the heroin, but I'd think about it a few times over the years. Luckily it was a no no in my circles so I thought better of myself every time. We all suffer in our own personal hell and this sps hell is the worst kind on earth. How humans in general aren't throwing themselves in front of traffic on mass every day I don't know. Distractions probably. In the end I took responsibility for my own happiness. After years of blaming everyone from abusers, parents, God, the universe, myself, I realised the power I have to dictate how I feel. But I try to forgive what's on front of me and see it as a chance to choose again. Even when shit hits the fan I can choose to forgive it and move past it. But it's a constant barrage every day and sometimes I forget and turn into Morrissey cursing my cock and everything it isn't. But tbh I couldn't fit into the bitch identity, it just didn't wash. I was too stubborn to be anyone's 'thing' and just tried to find what makes me happy. The gay stuff was acting out some fucked up fantasy of something that scarred me in a lot of ways. Coming to peace with wanking off to being abused wasn't exactly easy either, it was the hardest thing to forgive after the abuse itself. It was like I was justifying what had happened then feeling massively guilty about it. But fuck it, it's a day at a time. Just try to stay positive give my kids a better childhood than I had. ☮

 

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Hey Klingsor I read what you wrote last night but was really tired like usual on a Friday night.

Sorry you are going through these struggles.  I hope things get better for you.  

You are a smart guy and there is nothing I could say that you haven't already thought of but I'll echo what Yahweh said to feel free to vent here.  

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Klingsor, Pax, Klingcorn..I also read your post last night. I checked in on the site during my workbreak, but I didn't have time to respond. I'm sorry for all that you've been through. :( I'm sorry things are difficult right now. I wish I had specific ideas that might be helpful. I hope it helps some to know there are people here, myself included, who care about your well being. Sending you some light. I hope things improve and you feel better.

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14 hours ago, YahwehOrTheHighway said:

@Klingcorn I know what you mean about the latent homosexuality. I pinballed between straight, gay, bi-sexual, a-sexual. Being abused by older boys as a kid left me not knowing what the fuck I was, maybe some sort of sexual husk to be used for other 'normal' people's pleasure. In the end I had to ask what it was all for. I could either fall into an abyss of booze and drugs or jump off a fucking bridge. There was no hope back then, I cried myself to sleep coming down from some nightmare bender every night wired on coke and speed and ecstasy and whatever else I could get my hands on, which was everything because all my mates were dealers. The best thing I ever did for myself was to turn down the heroin, but I'd think about it a few times over the years. Luckily it was a no no in my circles so I thought better of myself every time. We all suffer in our own personal hell and this sps hell is the worst kind on earth. How humans in general aren't throwing themselves in front of traffic on mass every day I don't know. Distractions probably. In the end I took responsibility for my own happiness. After years of blaming everyone from abusers, parents, God, the universe, myself, I realised the power I have to dictate how I feel. But I try to forgive what's on front of me and see it as a chance to choose again. Even when shit hits the fan I can choose to forgive it and move past it. But it's a constant barrage every day and sometimes I forget and turn into Morrissey cursing my cock and everything it isn't. But tbh I couldn't fit into the bitch identity, it just didn't wash. I was too stubborn to be anyone's 'thing' and just tried to find what makes me happy. The gay stuff was acting out some fucked up fantasy of something that scarred me in a lot of ways. Coming to peace with wanking off to being abused wasn't exactly easy either, it was the hardest thing to forgive after the abuse itself. It was like I was justifying what had happened then feeling massively guilty about it. But fuck it, it's a day at a time. Just try to stay positive give my kids a better childhood than I had. ☮

 

Dude. You've been through so much. I commend you for still fighting the good fight.?

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12 hours ago, Klingcorn said:

I hear you man. I had a fucked up past too. Makes you question every aspect of yourself until you become immobilized psychologically and can't do a fucking thing except go batshit. Sorry for being a downer, things have been shitty lately. 

Mate I have no idea what to say honestly but I hope things get better for you.?

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6 hours ago, YahwehOrTheHighway said:

@Klingcorn Without sounding like a nosey bastard, what's going on? Anything you can talk about in here? 

Struggling to find a job with no motivation to do so, social isolation, confidence/self esteem, ruminating nonstop over stuff I can't change...the usual crap...but mostly this sexual/porn addiction or obsession or whatever it is. I can't stop visiting these trashy hookup sites and it's driving me crazy. I keep slipping farther into this cuckoldry/voyeurism perversion because of this shit and it's going to drive me insane. A veteran member here remarked once that "that way lies madness", and he was absolutely right. My life is immersed in filth. I keep trying to crawl out of the slime but can't, which is the most humiliating thing of all. Weak. I feel like such a disgrace to my closest family members. 

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10 minutes ago, Klingcorn said:

I can't stop visiting these trashy hookup sites and it's driving me crazy. I keep slipping farther into this cuckoldry/voyeurism perversion because of this shit and it's going to drive me insane. A veteran member here remarked once that "that way lies madness", and he was absolutely right. 

That is the dark side of the internet KC and it doesn't help that the internet itself is addictive whatever someone uses it for :sad_huggy:

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@Klingcorn I'm lucky that porn isn't more of a landmine for me, it's shit that you're going through that. It was a little bit, for a while, it was the reason I 'came out' (dragged out) as gay/bi even though it was just a random search found by a relative. I prefer straight porn, but I'll watch gay, trans or more brutal stuff if it's what I fancy in the moment. But as I say it's not a huge problem for me, although I imagine it'd be a nightmare if it was. As for working I've been unemployed for 11-12 years and I know it's down to my cock. I've done some voluntary stuff, but my confidence regarding full time work is at an all time low. Makes me anxious as fuck. I've just had a huge heart to heart with my missus about how anxious being the bread winner makes me. It's so hard to get out of that depressive slump. I dunno what I wanna do either, I've become accustomed to being a stay at home dad. I feel comfortable at home away from other people, who can be arsed with all that work place drama ?? Wouldn't mind the money tho. 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Klingcorn said:

Struggling to find a job with no motivation to do so, social isolation, confidence/self esteem, ruminating nonstop over stuff I can't change...the usual crap...but mostly this sexual/porn addiction or obsession or whatever it is. I can't stop visiting these trashy hookup sites and it's driving me crazy. I keep slipping farther into this cuckoldry/voyeurism perversion because of this shit and it's going to drive me insane. A veteran member here remarked once that "that way lies madness", and he was absolutely right. My life is immersed in filth. I keep trying to crawl out of the slime but can't, which is the most humiliating thing of all. Weak. I feel like such a disgrace to my closest family members. 

I access my porn via cellphone. As soon as I move out of the house around June/July I'm selling my Samsung smartphone for the upcoming Nokia 3310 retrophone. If it's cheap I'll buy two in different colours just for the fuck of it. My school operates from the South African national broadcaster facilities which is open 24/7 so i can use computers there for research. 

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Tbd, that's exactly what I do. I didn't have a smartphone till 2014 and it was the worst thing for me regarding the porn issue. I've seriously thought about buying a cheap phone on a limited data plan that would make it hard to use it to watch porn or surf online. But most professional careers you need a smartphone with lots of data. But maybe if I could just check email that would be enough. Until I went to college, it was much more difficult for me to access porn regularly or even masturbate. I didn't realize what a blessing it was at the time. Flip phones were still pervasive when I started college but primitive smartphones were making appearances. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I've ordered my ball weights (TAKE 2). These are a quarter of the weight of the last ones. I definitely didn't do my research last time as they were heavier than the tire iron in my car lol, I could have beat a gorilla to death with the thing. This time hopefully they'll be wearable and a bearable weight for all day usage. I'll do an update later in the week when they arrive. Fucking things are costing me an arm and a leg. 

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33 minutes ago, Victimorthecrime said:

I hope you what you are doing YOTH.  Sounds dangerous & unrewarding to me.  Just want you to think about it, not trying to be rude.

I've been doing it a while now, building up to weighted stretchers. If I'm honest the feeling of my balls being slightly tugged is incredible. But fuck me are there heavy ones out there, really worth checking you're weights, some are ungodly. Thanks for the concern tho, I've had some reservations myself. 

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1 hour ago, Small said:

Yes be careful. Good luck. You'll be tripping over them in no time. 

I guess that's why they call it "tripping balls" ha ha everyone's a comedian ?

I saw some lunacy on you tube a guy claiming a deep squat stretch can raise T and make bigger the D and I have done it a few times.  You will feel the stretch, more blood flow, and it seems harmless so I thought I would mention it in case anyone wants to give it a try. 

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@Victimorthecrime I always wanted to give TRT a whirl myself. I had friends who took that and steroids too. They're pretty low risk in moderation, some guys know where to draw the line and get a great looking body out of it, but one mate abused the shit out of them. Ended up on the growth hormone and grew muscly bitch tits and had to have then surgically removed. I always shit on guys who did steroids, but after doing a lot of research out of concern I realised they're pretty much demonised but not that bad with the right supervision and knowledge. I feel the same way about most drugs, they are made out to be dangerous and yet I've taken pretty much everything except smack, crack and meth and never had a problem. Most lads do themselves a mischief on the booze more than anything else, that shit is the real nightmare fuel.  

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39 minutes ago, Victimorthecrime said:

Just to be clear I was just referencing a squatting exercise, not taking any substance.  Personally I wouldn't recommend TRT but that's just me.  

Yeh, I was gonna be more clear on how my train of thought had flipped to TRT but it was late so I didn't lol. I'll have to look at the squats, sounds interesting. They can @Small but that's with overuse and abuse. I've known tons of guys over the years who call bullshit on it, but the internet tells us otherwise

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Yeah it was late where you are, I remember thinking that.  

The problem w supplementing testosterone externally is that your body will stop producing it on its own so it should only be used by guys whose body has already shut down production due to age or illness.  

The endocrine system is complicated, it's the least understood system in the body.  Steroids and testosterone can be tolerated by some guys but cause immense health problems in others.  

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