i feel Bad[tm]

[toby]

uh hey i saw a post on tumblr which talked abt this website so here i am.

i feel super suicidal atm. i almost killed myself last night and a huge breakdown and now all i wanna do is cry and delete all my accounts if that makes sense.

sorry if this is too personal. um i live in an abusive home and get bullied at school (i know this sounds cliche lmao). on top of that ive got ptsd and am a csa + cocsa survivor. i dont have any irl friends and only talk to 2 people online.

lately ive been doing worse and worse. sometimes i cut myself, i tend to do it more these days.

i promised one of my online friends to tell him every time i selfharm but the last two times i couldnt bring myself to do it.

hes concerned but i cant talk 2 anyone rn. i feel dysphoric too (im a transboy)

im sorry this got so long i guess i needed some place to vent. anyway i want to fucking D ie i hate myself im an asshole

[LaLa]

Hello, Toby, welcome!

Don't worry about something being "too personal" or writing a "too long" post! You can share what you need here - it could help you to "get it out" and it helps us to understand you better and to relate. (Moreover, what you posted so far wasn't very personal/detailed and/or long at all ) . Feel free to vent here and in case you sometimes feel it's about something you don't want to be public, you may write on a blog here - it's visible only to members (or only to the members you chose).

I'm going to write more in my next post, but I'm posting this right now to let you know asap that we're here to listen and we care.

Take care and... despite all your feelings and your "dark" thoughts, just don't do anything bad / hurtful to yourself. That's the most important now. You can, in time and with some help, overcome your attitude to yourself, you can even start to feel good and enjoy life (I know (also from my own experience); it sounds absurd now, it surely does, but this feeling doesn't mean it really is impossible!), but once you cut all your chances (by suicide), those positive changes won't happen...

Take care!

[LaLa]

So, I'm going to try to bring some more feedback to your post. I also have some questions.

Most importantly; have you already contacted a mental health professional or even started some kind of treatment? You've been through a lot  and... saying that "this sounds cliche" is a very dismissive comment because it tries not to take it all seriously, as if it was something commun and so almost "normal" that "everybody should just get over it". But every single issue you mentioned is serious enough to cause a lot of suffering necessitating professional help, mainly by a good psychotherapist. You need to experience a loving, caring, trustful, and very safe relationship where you can be yourself and feel entirely accepted. By this means you can repair your self-image and get rid of the self-hate and the false convictions (which were "implanted" and reinforced in you by your abusive relatives, by the bullies, and by everybody else who abused you in any way), including the conviction that you're bad and should die. I know this sounds overwhelming and unimaginable now. It's logical; you cannot imagine something so good and powerful happening to you because you're too much influenced by all the bad stuff that's been "filling" your life so far. But there are many people who got much, much better in this way thanks to a good psychotherapist. (I emphasize "good", because not everybody who's a professional can help you, but this shouldn't be a reason to give up after some "unhelpful experiences" - you need to find "the right" person (and in case of a therapist, it's much easier than to find "the right" partner ) and to believe in progress and not to give up even when the hard work in therapy takes a long time. Your problems have been forming during many years, so it may take some years to overcome them. But it's worth it - the alternative (death) is "simpler" and also seems more attractive at the moment, but... I believe that there's still a part of you that wants to live - what you refuse is not life itself, but life as it's been so far for you. And life can change. You can change. And it seems you want it, just don't know how to do it. Why I think you want it? Because you came here to communicate about your suicidal feelings. And I also know you see, although unclearly, some way: You've already made some steps in the right direction: you've made a friend you can share the problems with self-injury with, you came here to seek some support and understanding. )

2 hours ago, toby said:

the last two times i couldnt bring myself to do it

 

What do you think is the reason why you're suddenly feeling "unable" or reluctant to tell him about your self-harm? What's changed?

2 hours ago, toby said:

i feel dysphoric too (im a transboy)

Is this worse than "usual" now? Can you tell why?

May I ask you something about this topic? (BTW; I used to be a girl with gender dysphoria (I just didn't know the term). For some time, I even believed that I would go for the surgery... But now I'm a woman, still with some issues in this regard, but... not wanting transition. I've been just lucky; it turned out I wasn't really trans, just gender-dysphoric. My husband and my therapist helped me to accept myself (more or less - I still have some issues) "as I am". I'm mentioning this all just to show that I'm not negatively prejudiced and that I can relate to this kind of feelings. But I'm not mentioning it to show you that "you also could accept your biological gender" - NO! I don't know about you and I suppose it may (or may not) be impossible for you. The only important thing is to find it out for yourself and "be who you really are".) I'm not sure I understand what you wrote about it: I suppose "being a transboy" means you're already living as a boy. But feeling dysphoric means you're not living as the gender you feel you are. So... what's the case for you? How do you deal with this? Has this been the reason for the bullying you've mentioned? 

Appart from psychotherapy, there are diverse other strategies how to overcome the effects of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). For instance, you can read this:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-last-best-cure/201508/8-ways-people-recover-post-childhood-adversity-syndrome

As I mentioned, ACEs have to be taken seriously. I would recommend you to learn more about this topic, so that you could understand your life better and make better decisions. Here is one of the articles about it:

https://www.scottishrecovery.net/resource/focusing-on-childhood-adversity-can-transform-health-and-social-care-in-scotland/

But it may sound too horrible when you read about all the negative impacts  , so before starting, read this positive, hopeful excerpt from the end of the text:

Quote

it’s easy to imagine that, having been presented with the overwhelming evidence about ACEs, toxic stress and epigenics, we can end up thinking, ‘Well, some people have just got broken brains, and there’s nothing we can do about it!’

But it’s not all bad news, and this is where the final element of the ‘theory of everything’ comes in – resilience. Resilience is the ability to adapt well to adversity, trauma, threats or significant sources of stress. There are many aspects to resilience, which is a huge subject that I unfortunately don’t have space to go into here, but one of the initial things that has struck me about it is its links to assets-based approaches and recovery, particularly the CHIME framework. 

As Aces Too High notes: “the brain is plastic, and the body wants to heal.” Scientific evidence has shown that brains and bodies continually change in response to their environment. Stopping toxic stress and using trauma informed and resilience building practice can help us physically and mentally undo many of the negative changes caused by ACEs.

[...]

Adverse childhood experiences do not necessarily result in an immutable and dreadful fate; they’re a tool for understanding population and community-level health as a whole.

Here is more about the ACE study, I mainly recommend the CBC radio series - it explains a lot and include also positive, hope-bringing examples...

http://www.tedmed.com/talks/show?id=293066

http://www.cbc.ca/radio/ideas/all-in-the-family-part-1-1.3523111

Have you considered watching some talks from suicide survivors (it may be easier than reading when you're in a crisis)? For instance:

https://www.ted.com/topics/suicide

Take care and keep posting!