Should I kill myself?

[scruffycat]

I think about killing myself pretty often... I have so many reasons why.  Do you think that my family and friends would be better off if I were dead? I really want your honest opinions... First off, my mom is getting old, and she's got enough on her plate without having to constantly worry about her spiteful, angry, ungrateful, depressed daughter. Even when I move out, my mom will never stop worrying, because of all my mental issues. If I kill myself, she'll be free and she won't have to worry anymore. I also have a nephew who's about one and a half, and if I kill myself now while he's young he won't remember me and won't have to be sad. My boyfriend constantly worries about me, and I never answer his calls because I'm always holed up in my room shutting the rest of the world out. He's said that sometimes he doesn't eat for days because he worries so much. I hurt him like I hurt everyone. I'm the black sheep of the family, the wayward child that will never amount to anything. I know that they're all too kind to say it, but they all know I'll never be anything. Wouldn't it be better to save myself the fate of ending up a junkie on the streets? People will be sad at first but they'll get over it, as people do. All my family and friends, they could live without worrying about me. I'm a dangerous fucking lunatic, in the end I'll probably kill someone, I've always been angry. My parakeet died on New Year's eve, the only one who was always happy to see me. He always came flying when I came in the room, always wanted to be with me, every second of every day. Maybe it sounds pathetic to miss a bird that much but he was a real friend. And now he's gone. I'm getting numb to the world. The good things in life are just disappearing. In the end everything loses its charm.  Its just so pointless. I'm just sitting here longing for something that doesn't exist. I spend my days watching sci fi and fantasy movies and shows, wishing I could live in those worlds, be something else. But I'm stuck in this rotten place. This is turning into such a rant but I can't bother to care. The point is that there are so many reasons to die, not the least of which is that my family would be better off. I am absolutely certain they would be. Part of me wants to live but that part is just getting weaker.

 

 

 

[Victimorthecrime]

Hey cat, I have been feeling down myself so it's hard for me to be rah rah but I hope you will find some good things in yourself & your life.  We only get one chance at life & have a long time to be dead so I still feel it is worth the effort.  Hope things get better for you.  

[LaLa]

5 hours ago, scruffycat said:

If I kill myself, she'll be free and she won't have to worry anymore. I also have a nephew who's about one and a half, and if I kill myself now while he's young he won't remember me and won't have to be sad. 

These are your fantasies, your assumptions tainted by your self-hate, distorted self-image, and suffering. Your mom wouldn't have to worry about your future, but she wouldn't have any hope (for a better future) left and would live in constant mental pain, self-questioning, qualms of conscience, remorses... till the end of her life. Would it really be better?

Moreover:

Quote

parents of suicide victims are harshly judged by our society, and become “forgotten people”. Since suicide is the third leading cause of death among our young people, society will have to face this horrible epidemic and stop scapegoating parents,especially mothers, and determinesome of the real causes. 

source: http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/store/10.1046/j..1983.00623.x/asset/j..1983.00623.x.pdf;jsessionid=FE4B30258CCB78C09EB7EAB69967335D.f04t02?v=1&t=j0tsor0n&s=9278a18d324c5259a86e6a2b7025376400bcbe81

And your nephew might be little now, but the impact of a suicide on the whole family would very much affect him. Even if they didn't tell him,  it would create a big taboo in the family and that's probably always a source of mental problems...

Quote

[...] suicide is generally considered the most difficult type of death to accept. For children, the suicide of a parent or sibling not only presents immediate difficulties, but is thought by many observers to result in life-long vulnerability to mental health problems.

source: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK217849/

Quote

the experience of a suicide death in the family system often becomes a ‘family secret’

and

the void in the family structure created by a death requires anew homeostasis (Jackson, 1968). The adjustment to the void is partly determined by the bereaved persons, depending on the phase of grieving they are experiencing, and the way bereavement is perceived by family members. The choice of adjustment may create transgenerational dysfunctional consequences [...]

source: http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/store/10.1046/j..1983.00623.x/asset/j..1983.00623.x.pdf;jsessionid=FE4B30258CCB78C09EB7EAB69967335D.f04t02?v=1&t=j0tsor0n&s=9278a18d324c5259a86e6a2b7025376400bcbe81

From the same article - something about the fact that even if only one person would react "too badly" to your suicide, this one person could damage a lot his or her whole family:

Quote

Fear of death may be increased and acycle of stimulus and response to fearbecomes a homeo- static device of the family. A depressed family reinforces negative thinking andoverreacts to any lack of conformity. The most bereaved person, i.e. the ‘identified patient’ in this system holds powerful control over other family members. In family systems like this, there is often a history of continual disasters and loss of family members. In such families there may be more history of suicide and death by violent cause. 

Now to your other assumptions:

5 hours ago, scruffycat said:

they all know I'll never be anything

They have the ability to predict the future?  But no, I don't take it as a joke; it's important: If you think like this, you believe it, you increase much the probability that you'll live according to it. Don't make a self-fulfilling prophecy of it! It's not true, it's only your (and, perhaps, also theirs, but that's not as much important (and I doubt they think so, BTW)) assumption about yourself (and about them).

5 hours ago, scruffycat said:

Wouldn't it be better to save myself the fate of ending up a junkie on the streets?

Of course it would be better! But to save yourself such kind of fate, you don't have to commit suicide; there are much better ways. I cannot tell you what to do; I don't know your situation. But there's on thing I've already recommended to you and I'll repeat it: Seek appropriate professional help. You're not alone for the huge task to get better; you need help and it's OK. Seek it, ask for it...

Finally, some more things to read and consider in the context of this assumption:

5 hours ago, scruffycat said:

People will be sad at first but they'll get over it, as people do

For instance:

Quote

These mistaken assumptions plague survivors of suicide loss for a very long time. Many struggle for years trying to make sense of their loved one’s death—and even longer making peace—if at all—with the unanswerable questions that linger.

taken from here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/two-takes-depression/201311/understanding-survivors-suicide-loss

Quote

With No Time to Say Goodbye, she brings suicide survival from the darkness into light, speaking frankly about the overwhelming feelings of confusion, guilt, shame, anger, and loneliness that are shared by all survivors.

taken from here: https://www.amazon.ca/No-Time-Say-Goodbye-Surviving/dp/0385485514

I encourage you to read more about these topics, here, for instance:

https://cmhc.utexas.edu/bethatone/studentscopingsuicide.html

http://www.refinery29.com/2015/09/93480/sister-suicide-death

I'm sure you think your case is different, that your family and friends would react differently, because "you're a burden" to them, ... But most, if not all, those people who killed themselves supposed the same - and you can see how much they were mistaken! They hurt their loved-ones much more by their suicide than by everything they did before.

When you're alive, there's always a chance, a hope to change things for better - for you as well as for your loved-ones. When you decide for suicide, you only get rid of your owns suffering, but ruin the rest of their lives for your close-ones. I know getting better is difficult and takes time, efforts and often also money. But it's the only thing you can try to do if you care for you mom, your boyfriend, ...

Good luck and keep posting!

[IrmaJean]

…“Hold on. Hold on to appreciate the beauty of the earth, to feel the songs of the birds in your heart, to learn and to teach, to laugh a genuine laugh, to dance…to rest peacefully, to experience contentment, to want to be no other place but in the here and now, to trust in yourself, and to trust your life.

…the light, the light at the end of the dark tunnel for so long it cannot be seen, although eventually you’ll begin to feel it’s warmth as you move forward. And forward you must move in order to get through the hell of remembering, of despair, of rage, of grief. Keep looking forward please. Rest if you must, doubt your ability to survive the journey if you have to, but never let go of the guide ropes, although when you close your fingers around them, your hands feel empty, they are there…

…Hold on because it's worth the terrible waiting. Hold on because you are worthy. Hold on because the wisdom that will follow you out of this darkness will be a tremendous gift. Hold on because you have so much love and joy waiting to be experienced. Hold on because life is precious, even though it can bring terrible losses.

Hold on because there is so much that you can't now imagine waiting ahead on your journey - a destiny that only you can fulfill.

Hold on although you’re exhausted and your grasp is shaky, and you want more than anything to let go sometimes, hold on even though. Please hold on…”

Tammie Byram Fowles, LISW, Ph.D

Excerpt from:

It Happened To Me

When You Feel You Can't Go On

By Tammie Byram Fowles, LISW, Ph.D

http://survive.org.uk/stories3.html
 

[scruffycat]

You're all so kind. Thank you, LaLa, for your heartfelt reply. It really makes me feel grateful that you took the time to write that. There really is a part of me that wants to live, I think - but that part gets overshadowed by the darker thoughts. I just feel so confused. One moment everything's sunshine and rainbows, the next everything is black and horrible. I just want to feel truly happy again like when I was a kid, you know? 

[IrmaJean]

I think that the experiences we have can offer both darkness and light. If we are able to stand with and care for ourselves through all of it, I think that can help. I hear you that this can be difficult.

Thoughts can become distorted too during times of depression. How is your self talk, scruffycat?

Have you thought about getting a new companion? Pets can heal the heart and spirit.

Sending love and care to you.