I messed my life up so bad and feel suicidal

[lonelygirl18]

Okay. So I don't know where to start but I really have no one to talk to. I really need advice or help. I really hope at least someone reads this 

My dads side of the family has a history of mental illness and bipolar. I grew up in a household where my mom would emotionally abuse me and manipulate me had consciously and subconsciously made me feel miserable and negative in life. My dad lived in a different province and died of cancer recently, my brother hates me and my mom and my mom now hates me too most likely. I told her in grade 11 and 12 how this made me feel and made her aware of my mental state and she dismissed me as overreacting each time. My brother dropped out of school and is having mental issues too, but my mom believes he truly has problems and she thinks that I'm the one who is "just pretending." My mental state was so bad that even though I had barely any responsibilities and no "real problems." In fact my mom is convinced I am a psychopath and although I have lied to her before ( out of fear of her rage) she now does not believe anything I say. When I lived with her I  got no enjoyment out of my life and even though I had no real problems everyday was hell and I wanted to die. You can only imagine how I feel because now I have real problems. 

Then I moved out 

Basically I was irresponsible with my student loans it spiralled into something more than i ever could have imagined. I'm 18 years old and a first year university student. From September to now I wasted all of my school tuition on frivolous things because I got this rush of freedom and this sense of on top of the world mess, impulsiveness, euphoria until it all came crashing down and I had no money left. I even racked up credit card debt u haven't been able to pay off 

I had been trying so hard to get a student line of credit to pay for my rent ( I had missed about two months) and my tuition. Since I'm not working and no credit/ now bad credit it wasn't going to work. I tried selling some of the designer stuff I bought in my impulsive rampage but no one online was reliable enough or followed through. 

My mom had been saving up for a vacation this summer so when the people at my building started hassling me for the rent I started to get really pressured. I was afraid to tell me mom and I felt devastated that she worked so hard to save money for a vacation so I did something again, drastic and impulsive and faked two rent receipts. I felt awful in doing it and I had a feeling it wasn't going to work and of course it didn't. Of course it didn't work and now it's either the get the police involved or my mom pays to cover my stupid ass. So that money she saved up for a vacation that we never get to go on is now going to that. I feel extremely guilty and my mom is so ashamed, so confused, so angry at me and I'm pretty sure she wants to disown me. She only knows about me not paying tuition and rent, not the credit card debt. We don't have a lot of money. It's not like she can do much. 

Not only do I have these financial and legal woes to worry about but an ex bf who I posted on the dirty in the 12th grade in a impulsive manic rampage has come it from the woodworks and said if the post doesn't come down he is suing me. I have 0 friends because I've been so consumed with my personal issues and my grades are shit because I've been so consumed with this and i have to learn a bunch of courses in about two weeks and i haven't left my room the entire day because everyone at the desk in my building talks and are students and i feel so ashamed I can't even show my face. 

I have panic attacks constantly and insomnia and my appetite has disappeared completely. I have one more month until I go home and finish exams and face my mom. 

Since I haven't paid tuition this year I can't apply for next year which means I have to go back to my hometown and it's too late to apply for schools in my hometown so that means I'll have to take a gap year which I feel like such a slacker and stupid for doing. I feel like a failure and my mom thinks so too and is rubbing everything in my face, which I understand but it really hurts that I have no one I can talk to impartially. Except well here.

I wasted 15,000 plus my credit card and overdraft debts. Every guy in my life tries to use me and i have no friends. I'm actually quite attractive and a fun person to be around when not in my mental despair, I used to model but I gained too much weight. 

The only good thing that came out of this was I really did hate my university and wanted to switch or drop out. But not only have I ruined my education, finances, credit, potentially my legal record ( late rent gets reported to this tenant board in my province so it's hard to get an apartment here if I want to move back in the future, and if they decide to pursue the police about the receipts then I'm really fucked) mental health even further, social life, trust of my mom, reputation in my building ( it's a student residence and most of the people who work at the desk besides security are students and everyone is super gossipy in this building) 

I never got help for my mental issues in high school when I told my mom and when they started to arise. Let this be a cautionary tell to anyone out there, because I see no point in my life anymore. My mom also thinks that I spent my money on drugs ( I didn't, but I said I partially did because there was no other way she would believe how I burned through all the money) so now she thinks I'm a slutty drug addict. 

My mom said she's going to make me go see a psychiatrist when I get back. Funny how you get help when it's too late. Since my brother messed up she always expected me to be the example, she even said this to my face. So I continued to play this facade and hide all my problems until it was unbearable and unavoidable anymore 

I'm so ashamed of myself I can't even leave my room or look myself in the mirror. I almost drowned myself in the bath today. But I fear death, still 

I've had this inferiority complex my whole life and it just proved to be true. I'm worthless. 

[IrmaJean]

Welcome to the community, lonelygirl. I'm sorry you're in such a bad space. There is a lot happening in your life for sure. I read your post and I am here listening.

Does your college have any counseling available? Maybe the extra support could be helpful, if even for only a brief time until you return home. If you share openly with your mom about all that has happened and is happening, do you think there is a chance she will listen and be supportive? I hope so.

I hear that you feel down on yourself. I think that all of us have our share of struggles and all of us make mistakes...we're human and it happens. I hope you won't be too harsh on yourself. It's never too late to get help, I don't think, never too late to learn healthy coping methods, to learn self care...you deserve to feel safe and okay. 

Sometimes -during difficult times-- if I consider all that is happening in my life, it can feel overwhelming and I then feel paralyzed to take a step forward. I try now to look at the day ahead as a new day, a fresh start, and then take one small proactive step along the path. I find this keeps me centered and moving forward in a positive direction. I also try to take some time to myself to breathe and recharge, self-nurture, which gives me renewed strength to keep moving.

Just some thoughts. I hope things look up for you, lonelygirl. Take gentle care.

[jazz]

Hi lonelygirl. Just to say I read your post; don't be too tough on yourself about the spending, it's easy to get carried away in this consumer world. Maybe as you didn't like your course a gap year could be a good thing? Especially if you plan it a bit. Who knows, you could make friends outside the academic circle. You are not your mistakes - you have value and you need assistance, try not to worry about the opinions of other students - they'll probably be focusing on their own problems anyway.