LaLa Posted September 12, 2017 Report Share Posted September 12, 2017 Welcome back; good to see you here again! Don't worry about "disappearing" from this website; it's here for you when you need it, it doesn't pose an obligation to you . Yes, someone can help you. Just imagine that your illness will be cured (or, at least, under such control that you won't suffer like this anymore and will enjoy life) - what would you think at that time about your intention to kill yourself now? Please, could you describe to us what kind of mental healthcare have you got in the meantime and what "impressions" have you got from the website I posted above? I'd love you to believe me that you don't need to protect others from you (by suicide); you mostly need to protect yourself now (from suicide and suffering). Do seek professional help. If you need some assistance with it, let us know; we can help at least with some advises. Take care! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scruffycat Posted September 12, 2017 Author Report Share Posted September 12, 2017 I'm sorry. I do want help but I dont think its possible. I think Im going to kill myself now before I chicken out. thanks for trying to help me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted September 12, 2017 Report Share Posted September 12, 2017 Scruffycat, is there someone there with you who you can reach out to? I'm sorry you feel so distressed. I'm still reading through your posts, but wanted you to know we're here listening. LaLa 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Victimorthecrime Posted September 12, 2017 Report Share Posted September 12, 2017 Take a break Scruf. Give yourself a break. Treat yourself to some good things you've been holding back on. We get one shot at this thing called life. I hope you'll give yourself a chance. My thoughts and hopes are with you. LaLa 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scruffycat Posted September 13, 2017 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2017 You're all so nice. But everything's just effed up right now. My mom is away in Greece for two weeks, and my kind brother says I can stay with him and his family if I want - but that just makes it worse, since he has a toddler, and everytime I play with him I just get scared I'm gonna hurt him. And he gets so sad if auntie won't play with him - but how could you explain POCD to a two-year-old? I stayed the night yesterday anyway because I was about to kill myself, and I did something disgusting. When I was playing with my nephew, I poked him briefly on the front of his pants to show myself it doesn't make me a child molester but now I feel horrible. My brother and his wife also recently had another baby, and when he was lying in his stroller I thought about doing the same to him to again confirm it didn't mean anything. I ended up not doing it, but still. Don't you understand? I'm a monster. How could I do this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scruffycat Posted September 13, 2017 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2017 Please... I know I'm a whiny bastard and I'm sorry. But I don't know what to do anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted September 13, 2017 Report Share Posted September 13, 2017 Look; the probably best thing you can do to protect others is to get hospitalized. Then you won't have the opportunity to be dangerous and at the same time, they would treat your illness and make you feel safe and OK. You just need to convince doctors you need such hospitalization, but doing it without harming others or yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted September 13, 2017 Report Share Posted September 13, 2017 50 minutes ago, scruffycat said: Don't you understand? I'm a monster. How could I do this? No, you're not a monster and what you did was perfectly OK! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted September 13, 2017 Report Share Posted September 13, 2017 Yes, you did it because of your particular fear and because of your need to have a proof you're not what your illness is saying you that you are. But you did just an innocent geste that hasn't hurt any the children. If you want to get rid of such impulses and needs (to have a proof etc.), you need professional help, not death. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted September 13, 2017 Report Share Posted September 13, 2017 54 minutes ago, scruffycat said: And he gets so sad if auntie won't play with him Imagine someone with depression unable to play with his/her (/their) child. Yes, it's sad, but it's not something to blame them for or to judge. Their health needs healing, that's all. The children you describe would be much more terribly affected by a suicide in their family than by a period of your refusal to play... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scruffycat Posted September 13, 2017 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2017 Hearing you say I didn't molest my nephew does make me feel somewhat better, but at the same time, you also said ''to protect others you need to be hospitalized'' suggesting that I might do something one day. So then I probably should kill myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted September 13, 2017 Report Share Posted September 13, 2017 (edited) I'm very sorry that you misunderstood me, but it's my fault - I express myself badly . Using the words "protect others", I was talking only to the one part of you who thinks that you could harm someone. I'm sure you wouldn't. But there is an ill part of your brain that things so and this same part also wants you to die, so when talking to "it", I was using its point of view... Edited September 13, 2017 by LaLa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scruffycat Posted September 13, 2017 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2017 Alright, I'm sorry for misunderstanding. I have thought about admitting myself to hospital, but I'm scared. I don't wanna be stuck there forever. But I'm running out of options. I just want a normal life without having to second guess every single thing I do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted September 13, 2017 Report Share Posted September 13, 2017 (edited) 20 minutes ago, scruffycat said: I just want a normal life without having to second guess every single thing I do Yes, this is exactly what we here wish for you, too . I'm very glad you're able to realize that this is what you really want, too. Suicide can be sometimes very tempting as it looks like a solution. (You might read this, for instance, I find it interesting: https://suicidepreventioncommunity.wordpress.com/2010/03/05/please-stop-saying-suicide-is-a-permanent-solution/) And yes; treatment doesn't look appealing. 20 minutes ago, scruffycat said: I'm scared. Probably the vast majority of people facing such kind of hospitalization are scared . It's natural. But imagine that you would have a serious physical condition that would require hospitalization; you would feel scared and bad about it, but you, very probably, wouldn't protest. An illness of the mind is more complicated, in some ways. Also the process of convincing the doctors that you need this treatment may be complicated, because in fact, you're "normal" and not dangerous; you "only" think you could be dangerous, but this exact thinking is the illness you need to heal, so yes; it's tricky to explain it right to someone who doesn't know you. 20 minutes ago, scruffycat said: I don't wanna be stuck there forever. You won't get stuck there; as far as I know, hospitals try to "get rid of" the patients as soon as possible; they prefer them to be in home care (this, of course, depends a lot on the country you live in and on the hospital itself, so sorry for generalizations). And this kind of illness is, as far as I know, relatively well controllable by therapy, so it shouldn't require a long in-patient treatment. And moreover, it's possible that they won't hospitalize you at all, but will offer you a good out-patient program of treatment! What you need most now is to mobilize all your efforts and advocate for yourself until you find a truly understanding professional and receive an effective care. Your life it definitely worth it, even if it doesn't feel that way to you right now! Good luck!!! Edited September 13, 2017 by LaLa sorry, I write too quickly and then it's sometimes nonsense Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scruffycat Posted September 13, 2017 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2017 Thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day to write this. I still feel horrible, but slightly more hopeful. I don't know if everything will work out but I'll try. Thanks for the support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted September 13, 2017 Report Share Posted September 13, 2017 You're welcome, s.! I'm sorry I'm not often online; I'd like to be even more supportive. Hugs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.