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Share stories of your own aging and caregiving for individuals who are aging


Natalie

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Guest ASchwartz

Paula,

Your mother's comments to you when you were in the hospital or soon after were outrageous, unforgivable, awful. I have the idea that she may be a Borderline Personality Disorder who continues to be abusive to you to this very day. Well, she won't change.

But, I value you and we, here on this very real community, value you. It would be a terrible thing to lose you. Do not let that happen. Where is your anger? Just because your mother is mean to you does not mean that you should be mean to yourself.

I am sorry that you have not had success with friends in the past. But, eventually, you will. There are good people out there who will be warm and accepting of you. It may be (I don't know) that you learned to push people away from you in order to protect yourself. That is understandable, if its accurate.

You know, I have known some wonderful people who were hospitalized for psychiatric reasons. I have a good friend and friend of the family back in Colorado who is a rapid cycling bipolar woman and she is just great. Yes, she has her very low periods and she has been hospitalized more times than I have fingers and toes, but, she is terrific. What is there to be ashamed of? Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

Stick around, Paula, we have a lot of messaging to do well into the future.

Allan :)

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Hi Allan

I value you and we, here on this very real community, value you. It would be a terrible thing to lose you. Do not let that happen. Where is your anger? Just because your mother is mean to you does not mean that you should be mean to yourself.

Thank you for them words. God, if only you knew how much them words meant to me at this moment? I couldn't handle rejection at this precise moment in time! That would really tip me over the edge!

What I was meaninig with the anger issues is, the way I have a go at people on this site. I don't mean to, but I get so defensless when I think that someone's having a go at me. Especially concerns that bring back bad memories, Like the rape post and the pedophile post. It's not their fault but I just can't seem to forget those bad memories? No matter how hard I try! But when it has took me a good few years to push these memories to the back of my head, then someone seems to bring it all back in a written post of some kind.

I am just going to have to get used to it, especially on a site like this, and I'm trying to understand the involvment, that a site like this involves, but when I feel threatened, I just lose it! I've had a lot of that in my life Allan and I suppose what I'm trying to say is, I'm scared, frightened! Really frightened!

Do you know Allan, after all that my mother has put me through/and still is, that if she came up to me anywhere and just told me she did love me at one time then, well I don't know what I'd do? I'd probably cry! But not tears of sadness, NO! Tears of happiness! Even after all what has happened! Bloods thicker than water isn't it!

I'm not asking much am I? But if she did that for me then I'd be able to go to my grave with a smile on my face! It wouldn't bother me if she didn't ever say it again to me, or ever spoke to me again? At least she had said it to me, "I did love you at one time, but I don't now!" I'd even be happy at that!

I am sorry that you have not had success with friends in the past. But, eventually, you will. There are good people out there who will be warm and accepting of you. It may be (I don't know) that you learned to push people away from you in order to protect yourself. That is understandable, if its accurate.

You hit the nail on the head ther Allan! You've got a way with words! Again, I'm frightened to accept the warm welcome of friends? I don't know what a warm welcome involves, as I have never had a warm welcome of anyone? Physically I mean! I always think that there will be consequences to follow? So I have my guard up all the time, not wanting to face these consequences?

What is there to be ashamed of? Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

I feel, and have been made to feel, very ashamed of my life! The Mental state of my life, by my mother. She said to me at one point that I should be locked away with all the other lunatics, and the key should be thrown away! Can you imagine how that made me feel! HURT! REALLY HURT!

All I want is to be loved. Not only of my family but anyone? I don't know what love is? If I had a wish, you know what I'd wish for? I wish for all these sick, mental, alcoholics, drug abusers, was given a better life stlye, then maybe they wouldn't be where they are now. Me included?

If I could come back as anything that I wanted, in a second life, then I'd come back as a bird! Would you like to know the reason's why? Because I'd shit on all them, that have shit on me!

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Guest ASchwartz

Paula, that last part, about coming back as a bird, brough a smile to my face:). You know why? 1. The part about shitting on everyone is really funny and, 2. As a bird, you would be really free. What a great idea.

Allan:)

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Hi Allan

A bird

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paula, that last part, about coming back as a bird, brough a smile to my face. You know why? 1. The part about shitting on everyone is really funny and, 2. As a bird, you would be really free. What a great idea.

Allan

I really wish I was a bird now! Then at least I would be free, with no worries at all. Wouldn't it be wonderful to come and go as you please! I've never had that experience, only in my head that is! I'm alway's coming and going in my head with my mental health problems. I wish I could just be normal, whatever that is?

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Hi Allan

Well I can honestly tell you that I am defonately "off my head!" Always have been and always will be! Thats the only form of living that I know?

Sometimes I stop and wonder what life would really be like up above? I know I talk about it as if I've got it all mapped out? Who knows, it might not be up there That I go too? I could end up down there with Satan? Don't give a toss to be honest! Give over worrying years ago! Thats probably why I'm screwed up in the head like I am? I'm not saying that I've given up hope or faith? I know your probably thinking "what an Hipocryte! She's just mentioned that she's not bothered where she ends up" and I don't! But I can carry on believing though can't I! Believing in God himself, I mean! My mother used to always come out with a saying:

"Inch by inch, life's a clinch; and yard by yard, life is hard." Do you know Allan, there are only Two pains in life; the pain of discipline and the pain of regret! I keep wishing my mother will suffer from the later one! In regret of never loving me? My pain is never being loved!

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Guest ASchwartz

Paula,

Besides medication, are you in any kind of psychotherapy? Group therapy or therapy with a psychologist or social worker? I ask because I have the idea that it could help you a lot. You know, there is more to feeling better than just taking medication.

I noticed that I am not finding you elsewhere in the forums. Are you backing away from interacting because of some of the angry stuff that was going on? In my opinion, your participation is important to the forums and is good for you.

Allan

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  • 5 months later...

Hi Natalie,

I read that poem of the woman in purple a while back and liked it so much that I bought an embroidery kit of it. I never did actually get it done for lack of time so I guess I will have to work on it when I retire!

Regarding aging and caretaking, well, my siblings and I have been caring for my bed-ridden 90 year old mom for over 6 years now. It takes a toll on everyone and all aspects of our lives revolve around her care. Needless to say, this has also affected my view on aging. I for one, do not hope to live to 90 like my mom if it means I will be dependent on relatives for my existence. This is selfish. This is not LIFE. The condition of our economy has prolonged my work years and all the money I lost for retirement only means that there will not be enough to live on for any extended period of time, let alone decades. This also fuels my intention to not live beyond a more than reasonable age--70? 80? We will have to see. This is not a cry for help. I am comfortable w/ this idea as I find it more distressing to have to burden others financially as well as emotionally and physically. Our younger family members should have the right to enjoy their lives w/o this burden, or myself eating up their resources and youth. I am aware that I may never become like my mom is today, but why take any chances.

Edited by karai
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I took care of my parents and my in laws it can be draining and irritating but there are a few tricks to make life easier. Read books about dementia, I got them from the library, they gave me insight into the many mood swings and paranoia the elderly experience they made me more empathetic. Elderly parents don't know why things are going wrong, misplacing bank books, lost remote controls etc. they blame the child who has done the most for them because they can't blame themselves that person knew the most about their lives and must be the one doing this to them. They often don't take showers because they are afraid someone can see them naked (paranoia) for this you have to be firm, stand outside the bathroom door and when they're done check the towels to see if they were really used. Re not changing their clothes, often my mother in law would put her nightgown on over her clothes and in the morning she thought she had magically dressed, its important to check their pajamas and take the dirty clothes out of the room at night. Re getting some time for yourselves, we used other senior citizens as baby sitters when we wanted to go out or to the beach, these people can talk about old times and they can use the extra money let your parent think their just visiting. We also used my nieces friends, usually 2 female college students, when we went out for longer time periods like weddings, they can be entertaining to a senior citizen and they drive in case there is a problem. Most important know that psych drugs do work, many seniors are depressed, meds can relieve that and help with the paranoia. My mother had both and through medication I got my old mom back for a few months before her death. You'll be happy to say you gave them a life of dignity and that you did everything you could do for them, no regrets. Also know that many are very happy in nursing homes because they make friends and sometimes interesting enemies, it keeps them busy. Obviously nursing homes give the best medical care meds are monitored and regulated and they are safe. Make sure you visit and bring little gifts or treats, ice cream is a big favorite.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I currently am a caregiver for my dad along with my mom.

My dad has long-term care insurance and my mom has hired a caregiver company to come in and help, but because she was so uncomfortable with strangers in the the house and I was literally babysitting mom and dad when the caregivers were there I got the caregiver company to hire me to work at my mom's.

I've been doing this for over a year now, and yes, somedays it's really hard. I have to be there five days a week. We have another caregiver that comes two days a week, but mom is now talking about firing her and just having me all the time. Sometimes that thougtht is really painful; some days I feel like I don't have a life for myself. :)

I used to attend classes and play in the orchestra and wind ensemble at a local university, but I had to give that up when my dad started getting really bad with dementia. I hope some day to go back to that, as I sorely miss it. (I did find it pretty funny though, that I was older than some of the PARENTS of the kids I was in class with....):P

Anyway, my dad keeps drifting further away mentally and my mom keeps holding tighter to him.

My biggest problem right now is that she won't consider putting him in a care facility of some kind even though she can afford it thanks to his insurance.

Thanks for letting me share about this....:)

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest ASchwartz

Hi Confuzzed,

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your post.

It is extremely difficult to be a caregiver to an elderly or chronically sick person. In fact, it is strongly recommended that caregivers go to psychotherapy so that they can find some relief from the stress they experience.

Is that something you could do and would the health insurance that I hope you have pay for it?

Allan

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Hey Allan,

Thanks for the reply.

I did go to a therapist for a while but have recently stopped.

No, no health insurance to pay for it, but I did out of pocket for over a year so I'm not opposed to doing that again, but right now I have a few things I need to try and sort out on my own.

But I will definately keep in mind that it's a good idea to go!

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Confuzzed,

Well, there are support groups and those are usually free because they are self help type groups made up of people in the same boat but who stick together because there is so much mutual understanding.

Also, use this as a support group. In fact, right here, in this forum, talk about what you are going through and we can be supportive and listen and even give occasional advice.

Is your father suffering from dementia (alzheimers)?

Allan :D

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  • 1 month later...
Guest GingerSnap

I messed up and made a double post when I tried to quickly edit after pushing "post" so with aging, I obviously make a few more mistakes and can't correct them as quickly. Dealing with that by just thinking that I really expected 55 to feel much older than this?

Edited by GingerSnap
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Guest GingerSnap

Well, a few years ago we moved to a county where the fastest rising age group is 80 plus. Now, I personally really like this group of people because they are just "open" and tell it like it is or at least to them a lot of the times but....big but, there are so many old ladies alone with their cats (1, 10, 30 and they are thinking about a cat ordinance in town which will put some in a state for sure). We had lived previously by a man that was 104. I see what this life brings to them since I walk my dog through the older, poorer neighborhoods. I don't want to end up being alone with a cat and not that it isn't for some but not for me. These people worry all the time about finding and affording services to take care of themselves, their animals, getting the roof fixed, the yard mowed and even if they have the money, it is hard to find someone to do it. So, although I don't have a definite plan in place, I hope to full-time RV, a lifestyle that I have tried previously. I made it through menopause without medical assistance, walk every day at least 40 minutes weather permitting, garden, have hobbies, cook healthy meals, eat a lot of oatmeal and drink green tea. Staying off meds is important to me and I have a firm belief in herbal medicine. I believe that staying physically and mentally active is the key and is it easy, no not at all. I'm trying to still put in 200% while my husband, same age, has slowed to 50% and he is just not happy and is aging X 3 now. This morning for the first time I saw a really old lady who smiled and said hello and I felt bad that I didn't go up and chat, maybe tomorrow. The most delightful couple I ever met were in their 80's and they told me that in their heads they still felt like they were in their 20's - I miss them as they were such an inspiration. A lot of people are old these days at 35 so at 55, I'm not complaining and trudging ahead.

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Hi Gingersnap,

I like your attitude. You are so positive. RV'ing sounds like a good idea and that should keep you active and young! Maybe your husband will find the change in scenery something to make him more positive and change his attitude. For myself, that sounds great, something that I wouldn't mind doing, but this will have to wait for sometime in the future (what future?). Unfortunately, caring for my mom has only made me pray that I just don't end up like her. It's a paradox that I live in that I do exercise and try to eat healthier, but at the same time I do not want to live that long to be a burden on family. Confusing, to say the least! Well, take care and have a good life, you deserve it! :rolleyes:

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest GingerSnap

The other day we were at Wal-Mart's and came out and my husband forgot where the car was parked, I always forget unless I park in "row 3" so he starts to frantically look around and I said "No! We're cool, just walk slow and gaze around, not desperately until we find the car." He calmed down and we found the car which is usually easy because we park a mile, at least, from the door. We always try to help someone if they do seem to really be bewildered about where the car is - putting myself in their position I would rather be walking with someone when searching - pay it forward.:)

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