30-yr-old virgin and regretting it

[kristin]

Hey guys, wow, I missed a lot! My last post was so passionate and strong that I was kind of scared to come back right away for fear I might get too upset to function. Sometimes I'm able to get out of bed and go to work and cook and clean, and sometimes I just can't function. The non-functioning times happen when I get triggered - or trigger myself- by getting in my head and too worked up about something. So I was taking a break, and I will probably continue to be unreliable in that way, since I feel that my functionality hangs by a thread so I can never make any promises since my moods have such a strong effect on my ability to function.

I am still a virgin. There are still no prospects. I think I have somehow given the impression that what I mean by bemoaning my virginity is that I am planning on having sex with any random guy as quickly as possible. That's not really how it is. By bemoaning my virginity I see now that I am actually bemoaning a whole slew of issues. Also, not being a spontaneous person, I am very deliberate and am not planning anything rash. I don't quite understand the exact problem myself, but it is not simply straight up the sex, which is why I am in no way whatsoever about to go out and have random sex. That's not the issue, because I know a few people (who I'm not attracted to) who I could set that up with right away. The issue is somehow intertwined with what sex represents to me (NOT random sex, but sex in a relationship) - like IrmaJean, I also want that intimacy and to be held, and the last time I was in a almost-sexual relationship it was more of a FWB kind of thing, mostly we just cuddled.

It's hard to post about religion because there are so many strong views about it. It's a very complicated subject and means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. I appreciate Skynight's point of view. I really resonate with what Rapha said (about ovens) about how my religion set me up for Not Having Sex but didn't put any other support there like dating or how to be single. That's why it's so tough- I walked the walk and then I got abandoned. I feel taken, like a fool. Religion is so powerful that it can have a strong impact. It has done a lot of wonderful things for people, but it can alternately be played out in a harmful way.

Take the Golden Rule- "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I can't live by that any more either. Not because I want to live in a selfish world, but because the way I've lived out the Golden Rule has been self-destructive. I did favors for people over and over and they never "did unto me" anything, until I grew to resent them. If I had spoken up I wouldn't have let the resentment grow so long, but instead I thought it was a virtue to be self-sacrificing and a doormat. This is culture too-- I'm very very much a Girl in my socialization. I feel guilty when I'm angry. I feel guilty when I let people down- even if they have no right to ask things of me. I feel guilty about a lot of things. So then I realized, the way I was living out the Golden Rule is actual hurting me, and it's hurting other people because I'm not actually being a good person to them, I'm secretly resenting them. The Golden Rule might work if you live in one place with one culture your whole life, where people actually have the same norms about favors and sharing. But (I finally figured this out) if you're playing by a totally different set of rules, within a totally different set of cultural norms, even really good sweet kind loving people will come off as jerks to you. Because to them, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" may be the exact opposite thing! So now, the Platinum Rule is "Do unto others as they have just done unto you." This sounds mean, but I think it's nice because it's saying, assuming they're a nice person, the way the treat me let's me know what kind of cultural norms and values they have, so now I know what rules they're playing by, and I know what counts as nice to them.

So anyway, basically, a lot of the stuff I learned growing up has absolutely nothing to do with the world I'm in now, so now I'm struggling to figure out how to play the game here in this world. I think the virginity thing has absolutely nothing to do with my world because, frankly, I don't even think God thinks we should remain virgins at age 30- does he want us to spend half our lives in self-inflicted pain? That's so medieval.

Oh yeah, and my mom, the one time I said something to her- I was too scared to say the virginity thing- I said "You always said to me, 'Someday when you're a mommy...' and I really wanted it so I was never prepared for this life I have" and she replied "I honestly never thought you might not get married." (Rapha, this is why I so agree with you that there is no support for single adults in church-- in fact, the possibility never even crossed my mom's mind!) Now, this might sound like a tremendous vote of confidence, but she never did anything to help me with dating, and she was against fashion and makeup and style as wasteful/frivolous. I know she did her best at the time, and I don't want anyone to think I don't love my mother. But she always made me think I HAVE to get married to have a family and a life, both with the "Don't have sex until you're married" message == which I hear as 'Life starts after you get married', and also with messages like this: I asked you how her and my dad could have picked up and moved us around so much, away from grandmas and cousins etc- I asked, "why didn't you want to live near your family, and see them more than once a year?" and she said "Your Dad is my Family now." So I have no family and no life, since I'm not married. And, to top it all off, I wasted my good shots at sex, for this. I could have gone either way, but instead I'm stuck failing at the "Christian" path, and failing at the "secular" path. And I still can't choose which one I want to be on, because there's so much of both in my life, and I feel like I live between Worlds rather than in one world or the other.

Somebody25, you sound a lot stronger than me- I hope you are learning tools to walk this walk the right way, instead of down the drain like me.

Damn, I'm starting to cry, f#$*... I learned a new trick in therapy today (as far as internet e-crack, since a big part of how I spend my time when I'm not functioning is internetting), it's a 3-step process to overcoming something that has a hold on me. The first step is giving it a name and an identity outside of me. I can't remember the other steps, I guess I'll have to get them next week. OK, internet, you are offering me solace but you're making me cry and I have to do some more work tonight and also I need sleep since I've been feeling sick lately. Bye everyone, g'night

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Kristin,

Have you thought about psychotherapy for yourself? It seems as though you have a lot to sort out in your life.

I am not commenting about you but I'm just throwing an idea out there to you and everyone. Its to think about and no one needs agree with it:

Moving into adulthood depends a lot on becoming free from the old ties to family: mom, dad, home of origin. That is easier said than done in this modern world. Here is my thought:

Perhaps its is not religion that stops some of you. Instead, perhaps its severing those ties to home. I talking about psychological ties and not where you live. I'm talking about emotionally believing you have a right to establish your own life, separate from the old childhood ties to home.???

What do you and others think?

Allan

[somebody25]

Have you ever tried online dating Kristen? If so, how'd it go?

I tried Match.com for about a month and oddly enough it did make me feel a little better. I never got an actual date out of it (all the guys I liked and replied back live far away) but it helped to innoculate me to rejection. It's like toughening yourself up in little ways first. Getting rejected by not getting an email is not so bad.

If you don't live in the middle of nowhere like me, you might get more mileage out of it. Be really honest in your profile too... because that makes you feel better when a guy emails you (although they don't need to know your a virgin). Just mention that your looking for someone serious, the specific things you like to do etc... I try to approach it like getting a friend first. That's probably weird, but its helped me a little bit. All you've got to lose is a few dollars for a month of it.

Thanks for the encouragement Kristen. If it helps, in my eyes your better off than me since you've at least been kissed before. Yes, I am that inexperienced. So its all in the way you look at it I suppose.

[randomperson]

Hello everyone. The posts on here were very touching. So much so I decided to sign up so I could post. I have not had a chance to read everything but I read a lot. I had a rough childhood. Scarred me and made me very shy.

Took me years just to socialize. I am better now, but do to this and my beliefs I am still a virgin in my early 30s. It is tough the way society looks on things.. I am a male and feel just like Kristen like I can't find any kind good women.

Really not sure what to say or where to start.. but I connected with what everyone was saying and just wanted to post. I had my first kiss and only kiss last year just a few weeks ago to this date.. so don't feel bad your not alone. Fell in love and she broke my heart..

Thing is part of my life is perfect I own a fully paid for house have a great job.. just can't seem to pull parts of my life together and I feel broken. I have to take care of my mother because she is disabled from a car wreck we were in when I was a child.. I do own my own house but I live with her in her house to help her husband recently died.. I feel like the stereo type "nerd" everyone always makes fun of even like video games lol. My self esteem is totally gone at this point in my life. I don't know how or what to do..

I even tried those dating sites myself and it made me feel worse.