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Endlessnight

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Thank you Beth. It worked (obviously!). I just hope my email works with this account too.

Resolute: here it is.....

Well my trip started off badly - flight time changed 3 times. First night at my uncle's I got bit by a fire ant - it was so painful! I still have the bite mark on my leg - two red holes - ugh! Luckily I'm not allergic to their bites. I'm not 100% certain it was a fire ant because I don't know the translation of the Arabic name, but after looking ant bites up online it's the only thing that really matches the  description of the ant and the bite. Who would have thought you would find fire ants in a third floor apartment!

Well the next day I got sick with diarrhea and I had it all through my visit. Just imagine - 8 females all using one bathroom - it was hell for me and so embarrassing. The apartment has two bathrooms but my older uncle was using the other one - I did use it when I was able to. The apartment has three rooms: one bedroom for my younger uncle and his wife, one for his three daughters and one men's room with it's own bathroom. There is a small lobbyish kind of area where we (the women and girls) sit. I slept with the girls who were four because my older uncle, his wife, his mother and daughter were also staying in the apartment. I have to admit though, the girls were pretty good about letting me get my sleep - they are all teenagers so you can imagine they wanted to stay up all night talking and stuff but they were very nice and did that in the kitchen when I wanted to sleep. Sometimes their whispering to each other before they fell asleep was annoying though.....:):P My aunt and her mother-in-law slept in the lobby area so I was pretty lucky. They slept on mattresses on the floor - I had a bed. They were very kind to me. My older uncle had the men's room all to himself. His wife and mother didn't want to sleep with him because he gets up early and turns off the AC.

Well that's all for today. To be continued........

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Oh, Beth I forgot: everything here is a desert so there is nothing to see from above except reddish sand and rock. The far south of this country has greener areas - almost on the border with Yemen. I've been there a couple of times - it's nice and cool but it still isn't nature as you or I would think of it. I know many people find beauty in any kind of nature but I don't seem able to find it in the sand dunes and barren landscapes, or maybe I am just tired of them. The last picture of the the greener area of the country. There are actually some streams there.

 

 Image result for landscape of saudi arabiaImage result for landscape of saudi arabiaImage result for landscape of saudi arabia

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Hi M.

We lived in Florida for 5 years so I am very familiar with fire ants. They can be quite a nuisance. They can build 2 foot ant hills in literally hours. I witnessed that on more than one occasion. They are very aggressive and their bites do hurt quite a bit. I'm not surprised they would be on a third floor either; they used to cover the holes in traps we put out. :o

I'm sorry the trip did not go very well, and I hope you feel better soon.

Thank you for sharing the photos. I do love the last photo, but any land with mountains appeals to me. I think I understand better now what you mean, though.

Take care, M.

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I was wondering if anyone else wakes up with small scratches on their body? I do, quite a lot. Sometimes on my arms, sometimes on my legs, even on my back. They are not serious scratches, but the skin is broken and red. This has been happening for a long time now and I keep brushing it off mainly because I'm clueless as to the cause. Now I'm wondering if I am doing it to myself while I sleep?

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57 minutes ago, Endlessnight said:

Why only so-so? What's happening?

well, i don't have much health, wealth (broke), looks, or anything else to speak of. on top of that, my plans for relocating aren't moving along too swiftly. i'm still hoping i can do it this year tho.

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1 minute ago, Resolute said:

well, i don't have much health, wealth (broke), looks, or anything else to speak of. on top of that, my plans for relocating aren't moving along too swiftly. i'm still hoping i can do it this year tho.

I'm sorry to hear about all your problems, but especially physical health ones. I know too well how being physically unwell can affect your life: mentally and emotionally as well as physically. Do you mind me asking what's wrong?

"Broke" - welcome to the club. Still, if your plans for relocating do come through, and i hope they do, then perhaps you might have a better chance at financial stability?

You may not have money or good health, but you have kindness Resolute, and that's such an important thing. You have compassion and care about other people on here so I think you have a lot going for you. :)

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1 hour ago, Endlessnight said:

I'm sorry to hear about all your problems, but especially physical health ones. I know too well how being physically unwell can affect your life: mentally and emotionally as well as physically. Do you mind me asking what's wrong?

i'd rather not list my health problems on a public forum. i can tell you in a pm if you want.

 

1 hour ago, Endlessnight said:

"Broke" - welcome to the club. Still, if your plans for relocating do come through, and i hope they do, then perhaps you might have a better chance at financial stability?

believe me, where i'm going, financial stability won't be an option. i have other motivations for going there.

 

1 hour ago, Endlessnight said:

You may not have money or good health, but you have kindness Resolute, and that's such an important thing. You have compassion and care about other people on here so I think you have a lot going for you. :)

i disagree, but thanks nonetheless. :)

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  • 5 months later...

Well, it's me again. I am in a bad way and have nowhere else to go ( I'm sorry if that sounds bad. I don't mean it to, I just wish I had someone here, in my life, that I could talk to and that would understand.) I haven't wished for death in a long time, but now I find myself wanting it more and more. I'm hating myself right now. I don't like the person I can be at times: judgmental, mean and thoughtless. Saying things I shouldn't,  withdrawing from others. I feel that the progression I had made is being rolled back and I can't control it or stop it from happening. I feel so alone and afraid.

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Hi, M., welcome back! It's good to "see" you again (I've been worried about you...)!

I'm sorry you're feeling like this :( . I'm also sorry I don't know how to help; I can relate very much to what you've described, but don't have a useful advise :( . I can just hope communicating (here) about your feelings and experiences will be at least a bit alleviating. (It can sometimes feel so to me; just to write it all down and be heard and understood...)

Perhaps one thing: What you describe (" I can be at times judgmental, mean and thoughtless") is just human, it's very hard to behave how we'd like to :( . The good thing is that you're aware and care - there are many people who are much more mean and judgmental etc. than you but they don't realize it and just love themselves as they are and don't care about the impact they make on others. So... at least for this one reason (and there are more, I'm sure) you're definitely not "as bad as you think you are"... :o 

Hugs!

 

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Hello, M. Good to see you again. I'm sorry things are difficult. :( I'm glad you reached out. That's why we're here.

It sounds like you had made some positive progress. Did something happen recently to precipitate these feelings? Would it help to talk more about it?

Thinking of you today.

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Hi Resolute. Thank you for answering, because at least I know someone is listening. :) How are you?

Quote

Hi, M., welcome back! It's good to "see" you again (I've been worried about you...)!

Hello Lala. Thank you. I'm sorry I worried you. I think I understand why I find it hard to keep in touch with people; because it's easier than caring too much and then losing them.

 

15 hours ago, LaLa said:

What you describe (" I can be at times judgmental, mean and thoughtless") is just human, it's very hard to behave how we'd like to

 I know that in the past, and long before I started taking the meds, I was so hurtful and hateful to my father, and to some of those around me. Mostly it was me lashing out at those I thought wronged me and hurt me - so I would hurt them. But I thought that I had become a better person  than that. I do know why I'm acting this way though - things in my life are changing and I cannot handle change. 

 

2 hours ago, IrmaJean said:

Did something happen recently to precipitate these feelings? Would it help to talk more about it?

Hi Beth. Thank you for your kindness.

My niece and her husband and their daughter will be moving in a month or two from this city to another and I can't stand the thought of losing her. Her daughter is 3 years old now and she is the love of my life. They visit every Thursday and seeing her grow and everything she does is just beautiful to me. She has become to me what my niece was when she was little - my happiness, my reason for living. 

There is more than that but I can't write more now.

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On 1/29/2017 at 4:26 PM, Resolute said:

take care, m.

You too. :sad_huggy:

A couple of weeks ago I heard my sister-in-law mention to someone that my brother had applied for a job in another city - where my niece is going actually. Since I heard that I've been overcome with anxiety about what is going to happen. I know I shouldn't be freaking out yet and that I should wait and see if he does get the job but I can't stop myself. I've mentioned on my thread how change scares me so much and because I'm scared, and sad and anxious, I'm lashing out at people - even my niece who is fed up with my criticizing her all the time. I don't blame her. I love her so much but I'm making her hate me. Am I trying to push her away so I won't feel so upset when she leaves the city? Am I trying to lessen the pain of it all? I hate myself like this. I hate it.

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Hi Endlessnight. Sorry for what you are going through, it sounds hellish.  I know exactly what you are talking about regarding saying mean nasty things to people you love. I did it in the past myself, it was born out of my self hatred and now some of those people are dead and those memories are like someone pulling barbed wire through my heart. To be fair I did far more good than bad and they had their lesser moments too.  

I am plagued by these and other terrible memories and the only things that helps is for me to not fight the bad thoughts but just accept the fact of it in my life. When I do that it seems to disrupt the cycle & the struggle, stops fueling it for a bit. Hope that makes sense, it's hard to put words to this subjective stuff.  

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I think I can relate on some level, M. I have struggled over the years with a fear of loss. In the past, when confronted with the possibility of loss, I would become triggered and then stay in that state of mind for an extended period of time. It can be an extremely distressful place to be in and difficult to get out of. I have found it helpful to confront and sit with my fears and my feelings. Face the fear, allow the feelings, be in the space at that moment in time, listen to my needs in this and care for myself. Easy to write those sentences, years of self care work.. I have also had my moments of lashing out at people who I love when inside of this triggered space. For me, this behavior was about my inability at that point in time to confront my deep fear and the whys behind it. It was also about my inability to stay with myself in my place of pain. So instead I would come apart and respond in anger, which I always felt awful about shortly afterward.

I don't know if any of this fits or matches with your experience, M, but please know you aren't alone in your struggles. The good news is things can get better. They have for me and I hope they will for you too.

Would it help to take some moments to yourself? Maybe go to a quiet space and take some deep cleansing breaths. Or slow things down enough to identify your needs right now. I don't know how that looks for you, everyone is different I think. I do hope you will be gentle with yourself.

Vic, always appreciate your contributions here. It sounds like you do a good job of balancing your emotions with ration. I hope you continue on a healing path.

I hope you feel better, M.

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On 1/31/2017 at 1:57 AM, Victimorthecrime said:

I did it in the past myself, it was born out of my self hatred and now some of those people are dead and those memories are like someone pulling barbed wire through my heart.

Hello Vic. That describes exactly how it feels with me too.

 

On 1/31/2017 at 1:57 AM, Victimorthecrime said:

I am plagued by these and other terrible memories and the only things that helps is for me to not fight the bad thoughts but just accept the fact of it in my life.

You mean accept it and go on from there? Trying not to make the same mistakes again? As you said, it's hard to put these kind of things into words so I'm trying to understand hoping it might help me if I could do the same.

 

On 1/31/2017 at 1:57 AM, Victimorthecrime said:

 

 

On 1/31/2017 at 1:05 PM, IrmaJean said:

think I can relate on some level, M. I have struggled over the years with a fear of loss. In the past, when confronted with the possibility of loss, I would become triggered and then stay in that state of mind for an extended period of time. It can be an extremely distressful place to be in and difficult to get out of. I have found it helpful to confront and sit with my fears and my feelings. Face the fear, allow the feelings, be in the space at that moment in time, listen to my needs in this and care for myself. Easy to write those sentences, years of self care work.. I have also had my moments of lashing out at people who I love when inside of this triggered space. For me, this behavior was about my inability at that point in time to confront my deep fear and the whys behind it. It was also about my inability to stay with myself in my place of pain. So instead I would come apart and respond in anger, which I always felt awful about shortly afterward.

I don't know if any of this fits or matches with your experience, M, but please know you aren't alone in your struggles. The good news is things can get better. They have for me and I hope they will for you too.

Yes Beth, most of it does match how I am feeling and the way I am behaving. The only difference with me is that I find myself unable to sit quietly to reflect. I try and fill every moment of every day with something - usually something not beneficial, like being online and playing stupid games all the time, just so I don't have to think.

On 1/31/2017 at 1:05 PM, IrmaJean said:

Would it help to take some moments to yourself? Maybe go to a quiet space and take some deep cleansing breaths. Or slow things down enough to identify your needs right now

I don't like the 'inside' of me, if you get what I mean - being inside me with my thoughts - so I try to not let that happen. I wish I could find peace inside of me or at least quiet.

 

On 1/31/2017 at 1:05 PM, IrmaJean said:

The good news is things can get better. They have for me and I hope they will for you too.

I'm so glad things got better for you Beth, if anyone deserves happiness it is you. :) Your kindness and gentleness has always been a blessing to me on this board, and I'm sure there are many others that feel the same.

My fears and anxiety stem from how much I hate change. I feel I had gotten to a place where my life was more or less balanced enough for me to be content, mostly, with how things were going. I accepted this was my life. I had my group of friends, I had my niece and then her daughter that I love very much. I have a part-time job and a part-time private tutoring job that was a big help with my medical expenses. Now it feels like everything is running out of my control and i can't handle that, Beth. I don't know if I could start all over again in another city. It took me almost 10 years to get to where I am now and I don't think I could do it again. I know I don't want to.

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You got it right Endlessnight. I just accept the bad memories, let them occur, don't fight it and helps weaken it a bit. I am not a big fan of change either.  I don't think too many people are. The ones that say they like change are full of hot air.  I hope things get better for you; I know it's not easy.   

Is it hot where you are?  It's below freezing here. I am staying inside and drinking decaf!  

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Hi Vic. I'm afraid of change because up until recently I was never in control of my life -it's always been in someone else's hands. Even now, I am not completely free to do as I like but at least it's better than before. So having gotten things to where I kind of have contentment I go crazy at the thought of change. Anyway, I am not quite so freaked out as I was when I first posted here. I've calmed down a little and am trying to stay calm, at least until I know for sure what will happen. It's the not knowing that is a killer though.

On 2/4/2017 at 2:08 AM, Victimorthecrime said:

s it hot where you are?  It's below freezing here. I am staying inside and drinking decaf!  

We have actually had a lovely two months here. We don't really have winter but the weather has been so nice - not hot but just warm and we even had a cold snap for a few days! It rained a couple of weeks ago, but only for about twenty minutes. I think it only rained once all of last year. This is the first year in many that I've slept at night without the AC turned on. I did so for a few days. It's getting warmer by the day though and I can't sleep without the AC now. I wish the weather would stay the way it's been for the past few months, but I know it won't unfortunately.

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Baghdad and Kuwait City are among the hottest places on earth according to Mr. Google. I have never been there.  I have always been intrigued by hot weather. I think because the best times of my life were as a boy in summer.  The only things I don't like about hot weather: bugs, mowing the lawn, loud kids outside.  

Glad you are feeling somewhat better Endlessnight. You know not too many people are in control of their life. For most people a boss or a spouse or a child or an addiction controls their life.  

Raining only one time in a year. I did not know that was possible. Where does drinking water etc come from? Must be one heck of an irrigation system.  I'll have to ask Mr. Google.  Where I live it sometimes does not rain at all in August and people freak out about "the drought" I kid you not.  

 

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