Endlessnight

memories

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Baghdad and Kuwait City are among the hottest places on earth according to Mr. Google. I have never been there.  I have always been intrigued by hot weather. I think because the best times of my life were as a boy in summer.  The only things I don't like about hot weather: bugs, mowing the lawn, loud kids outside.  

Glad you are feeling somewhat better Endlessnight. You know not too many people are in control of their life. For most people a boss or a spouse or a child or an addiction controls their life.  

Raining only one time in a year. I did not know that was possible. Where does drinking water etc come from? Must be one heck of an irrigation system.  I'll have to ask Mr. Google.  Where I live it sometimes does not rain at all in August and people freak out about "the drought" I kid you not.  

 

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3 hours ago, Victimorthecrime said:

Baghdad and Kuwait City are among the hottest places on earth according to Mr. Google. I have never been there.  

they might be among the hottest capitals, but there are hotter cities and more humid. either way, even baghdad is cold in the winter and people need heaters etc. and certainly no one there uses an ac in the winter lol (assuming they can use them in the summer with all the power outages etc).

 

3 hours ago, Victimorthecrime said:

I have always been intrigued by hot weather. I think because the best times of my life were as a boy in summer.  The only things I don't like about hot weather: bugs, mowing the lawn, loud kids outside. 

i hate heat, humidity and bugs, and being so irritable, it's no surprise i hate noise etc (of course there's plenty of noise year round where i live and it's quite hot in the summer).

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Uncertainty can feel like a lack of control, can't it. I have had some trouble with that as well. I think sometimes all we can do is take care of ourselves through it. It sounds like you are trying to do that, which is positive. It's good that things feel somewhat calmer for you now, M.

I'm glad you have been been able to enjoy the weather for the past several months. Here it is quite chilly and snowy at the moment...looking forward to spring. I hope you get more rain and cooler temperatures where you live.

Take care, M, and be well.

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13 hours ago, Resolute said:

damn! and i thought baghdad was hot. :scared-smiley-emoticon:  even the sun has some cool days. :lol:

You've been to Baghdad?

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Sometimes I think I will die without knowing who I am; the real me I mean. Living a lie for most of my life has made me someone I don't know and don't really like much. I remember how much guilt I used to feel over the smallest lie - now I feel nothing. There are times when I want to tear my face off in the hope the person inside will come out and I will be me.

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it could be worse; you could be like me, wishing you can forget who you are and stop being you.

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2 hours ago, Resolute said:

 

it could be worse; you could be like me, wishing you can forget who you are and stop being you.

 

:sad_huggy:

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5 minutes ago, Endlessnight said:

:sad_huggy:

hey! i was trying to comfort you, not whining lol. :Oops:

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I wrote a long post here yesterday and it immediately disappeared. I somehow didn't find the energy to write it again :o ... *sigh*

But I'll try repeat at least two points:

I'm sorry you're so distressed :( ...

I don't know "how to help you", probably also because I'm a very weird person: I've never understood the meaning of the question "who I really am?". Of course there'll always be things we never can find out about ourselves, because they are either unknowable (hidden), or we'll never experience a situation where we could find out. (Some exemples: We'll never know how we'd feel in a country we'll never visit, how we'd like people we'll never meet, how tastes a food we'll never eat, ...) This is true about all of us and I don't perceive it as something distressful. Perhaps it could be somehow helpful to you, M., if you tired to explain to me (=clarify it to yourself, too) in what sense you are different and what this question means to you.

This video might perhaps bring some inspiration for some of the explanations (I hope very much it won't make you feel even worse! :(

Also, this quotes came to my mind today - perhaps you could find there some inspiration for "alleviating" your "longing for the truth" (it's mostly about therapy, but that could be just re-formulated as "a process of self-discovery aiming at alleviating symptoms"):

Quote

In psychotherapy the boundary between fiction and personal history has always been unclear. It is only recently, perhaps because of Donald Spence's landmark book, Narrative Truth and Historical Truth, that therapists have become appreciative of their own narrative-constructive (as opposed to reconstructive) efforts in psychotherapy. Therapists and analysts no longer consider themselves, as Freud did, psychological archaeologists striving to excavate the real historical truth of a life: we have all become Nietzschean perspectivists. We understand that the truth changes according to the perspective of the observer and, in the case of therapy, truth's form is vastly influenced by the nature of the therapeutic relationship.

[...]

The psychotherapeutic goal has become a construction and not a reconstruction; we search to provide some plausible satisfying life narrative-even a fiction-that can provide coherence and understanding. Or consider the new research on implanted memories, which indicates that false memories may be implanted easily and that individuals are often unable to differentiate them from "real" memories of actual events. The old sure distinctions between truth and fiction grow increasingly blurred.

Nietzsche, perhaps more than any other thinker, has contributed to the blurring. He compared truth to discarded snakeskins shed as their owners grew larger and older. His perspectivistic view of truth posits that there is no truth, there is only interpretation: truth is a convenience, "truth is the kind of error without which a certain species of life could not survive."'

The Yalom Reader: Selections From The Work Of A Master Therapist And Storyteller (Irvin D. Yalom)

Take care! :o 

:sad_huggy:

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11 hours ago, Resolute said:

like me, wishing you can forget who you are and stop being you

Perhaps you could rather try to "reframe who you are", "find a new narratif" (-see the quotes above) - ?

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M, have you ever tried creating art or some other means of self-expression? I find it helpful on many levels, and maybe it could offer the opportunity to connect with yourself as a place to start? Have you tried journaling or free writing?

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I am feeling so depressed. I know I need to stop playing around with the dosage of my Lamictal pills but I just want to get off these medications! I go from taking 1 daily to one half, then I take one half every other day, then I took one half every three days. I got really messed up so I've gone back to one half daily. Is it normal to have to take meds for over five years as I have been doing?

I am feeling jealous of a friend and I feel guilty because of it. She is going on a trip to Finland and Norway in a few weeks, everything has been paid for by a friend of hers who is going with her. I know I shouldn't be jealous but I am. 

Sometimes I get this feeling that I can't really describe - it comes over me suddenly like a memory but i don't know a memory of what, all I know is I get this feeling in my gut of loss and hopelessness and a wanting but I don't know what it is I am wanting.

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Sorry you are depressed Endlessnight.  I hope you can find connections w friends, family, perhaps those in your religious congregation or local community.  Sometimes sharing feelings w others and really relating is better than all the psych meds in the world. I need this in my life too. 

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(((M))) :( 

2 hours ago, Endlessnight said:

Is it normal to have to take meds for over five years as I have been doing?

Yes, some medication, even antidepressants, have to be taken for years, sometimes "forever" (or until a better med isn't available).

Why do you want to stop the med? Is it having too bad side effects? Or is it "just" expensive? If you're able to buy it and if it doesn't hurt you, I would rather suggest not to discontinue its use :( ...

I'm sorry that in the context of jealousy, I don't have anything to offer but some reading (perhaps you'll find there something useful), for instance:

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/when-your-friends-happy-news-fills-you-with-envy-instead-of-joy/

http://www.becomingminimalist.com/ungreen-with-envy/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/06/jealous-friends-envy-jealousy_n_2791331.html

I see that there are several advises that can't work for you (because of the objective limits of the society you're living etc.), but perhaps some other could be inspiring (?).

BTW; on the Tiny Buddha website, I noticed also this quote - interesting:

Quote

There is a big difference between giving up and letting go. Giving up means selling yourself short. It means allowing fear and struggle to limit your opportunities and keep you stuck. Letting go means freeing yourself from something that is no longer serving you. Giving up reduces your life. Letting go expands it. Giving up is imprisoning. Letting go is liberation. Giving up is self-defeat. Letting go is self-care.

Daniell Koepke

_______

2 hours ago, Endlessnight said:

feeling in my gut of loss and hopelessness and a wanting but I don't know what it is I am wanting

It sounds to me you could be wanting much bigger control over your life, so that you could also "gain" positive emotions and feel hope. Or, more simply, you just want "change" so much that you even can't describe the wish more precisely, because it could be almost "any" change, just not for worse. Perhaps you could try to identify some little things in your everyday life that you could change for better, that you could do for yourself, even if you initially don't feel like doing it (but when you build a habit, it becomes natural and you only get/feel the profit, not the effort to do it).

Hugs...

 

 

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13 hours ago, Victimorthecrime said:

Sorry you are depressed Endlessnight.  I hope you can find connections w friends, family, perhaps those in your religious congregation or local community.  Sometimes sharing feelings w others and really relating is better than all the psych meds in the world. I need this in my life too. 

Hello Vic. Thank you for your kindness. I've never discussed or even told anyone in my family that I suffer from depression. Only a couple of friends know and they are both westerners which is why I felt I could tell them. Still, it's hard to talk about such things with people who don't really understand depression. We don't have support groups here, and I can't afford a therapist. Here is where my only support group is - all of you. You, Resolute, Beth and Lala, in particular, but this whole site in general - thank you.

13 hours ago, LaLa said:

It sounds to me you could be wanting much bigger control over your life, so that you could also "gain" positive emotions and feel hope. Or, more simply, you just want "change" so much that you even can't describe the wish more precisely, because it could be almost "any" change, just not for worse. Perhaps you could try to identify some little things in your everyday life that you could change for better, that you could do for yourself, even if you initially don't feel like doing it (but when you build a habit, it becomes natural and you only get/feel the profit, not the effort to do it).

You are right Lala, I do wish for bigger control over my life even while at the same time trying to accept that I have little to none of it in reality. I do want change, but change to what? I feel my life is over and all I am doing is biding time until death comes. I know I whine a lot and seem to ignore the advice you and others give me. I wish I had an incentive to push myself, but I've given up and I don't really see a point in even trying.

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Thank you for your kindness too Endlessnight.  I wish the world in general could be more supportive & accepting.  I wish the best for you - healing and good things in life.  

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Posted (edited)

I feel and think the same that Resolute and Vic. have posted, M.

9 hours ago, Endlessnight said:

I know I whine a lot and seem to ignore the advice you and others give me.

Don't worry about this. I think it's rather an exception when someone takes an advise from a forum and gets better - it must be a particular situation and its particular coincidence with an appropriate advise. Sometimes I try anyway (to "give advise"), because... one never knows when such coincidence will happen ;) .

In any case; it's certainly better to "whine" and share what you feel etc. (with people who want to listen and understand), without "following our advises", than to immure yourself and suffer alone.

9 hours ago, Endlessnight said:

I feel my life is over and all I am doing is biding time until death comes.

It'll sound weird but this is something I also too often tend to think, despite my relatively young age (and my absence of knowledge about having a lethal illness). So... what to tell you to show you it doesn't have to be this way? Because I know it doesn't. What you describe ("life over, biding time until death") isn't a fact about your life, it's only a description of your perception, of your attitude, opinion. Somebody would even say: your decision. Because we can decide what our attitudes and opinions are, although it's sometimes "too" difficult to substantially change them. :( 

Take care!

Edited by LaLa

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I want to offer my support to you as well, M. I'm sorry you're feeling down. :(

The feeling you describe (yearning possibly?), are you able to sit with it, fully listen to it and allow it? I find that sometimes it helps me to not fight difficult feelings, if possible. Pushing back feelings may ease pain temporarily, but I think too that the pain can become deeper and then manifest itself in different ways. Do you know what it is you are longing for? Can you offer yourself self-care through this?

Are you able to connect with anything that brings you joy? Some soft soothing music perhaps or something to get your endorphins going? Maybe this could offer you a space to breathe, if only for a moment.

Sending you light and strength.

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On 3/5/2017 at 10:59 AM, Endlessnight said:

I am feeling so depressed. I know I need to stop playing around with the dosage of my Lamictal pills but I just want to get off these medications! I go from taking 1 daily to one half, then I take one half every other day, then I took one half every three days. I got really messed up so I've gone back to one half daily. Is it normal to have to take meds for over five years as I have been doing?

I am feeling jealous of a friend and I feel guilty because of it. She is going on a trip to Finland and Norway in a few weeks, everything has been paid for by a friend of hers who is going with her. I know I shouldn't be jealous but I am. 

Sometimes I get this feeling that I can't really describe - it comes over me suddenly like a memory but i don't know a memory of what, all I know is I get this feeling in my gut of loss and hopelessness and a wanting but I don't know what it is I am wanting.

My mom had the same problem she was on MANY depression pills and finally settled on one kind.... for 10 years! It took that long for my mom to get off them because they made her depression worse. Although her depression is really bad still she better without the pills, the meds didnt just take away sadness they took away all of her emotions. Without the meds my moms depression acts up but at least when she is happy i cant tell.... with the medication it was like she didnt have happiness or sadness....

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