memories

[Endlessnight]

Allan, I don't want to be the person I am. I don't want to have the memories of the pain and hurt, I want them to go away. I want to start afresh if i can.

[Athena]

]Allan, I don't want to be the person I am. *I don't want to have the memories of the pain and hurt, I want them to go away. I want to start afresh if i can.]

EN, I have just finished reading your thread, something about the title got my interest. *I totally get your frustration in only having bad memories, not good ones. *And not wanting to be the person you are. *Well, you've said you don't really know who you are, so I guess in a way, you ARE "starting afresh". *As you said, you want today to be the first day of the rest of your life. *I have been reading the book "The Brain that changes itself", which I think has also been recommended somewhere on this site. *It is an incredible book. *Somewhere in it, it talks about the company "posit science" developing methods to actually remove certain painful memories. *It also mentions programs that can turn your cognitive functioning back about 20 years. *Very tempting - annihilate the memories you don't want, then give your brain another 20 years to function. *It has been a very powerful book for me and explains how negative thoughts get so "stuck" in there. *What I got out of it is that you have to replace those thoughts with something else. *Kind of like taking a bulldozer to an old shabby part of town and replacing it with something beautiful. *

So, I have cancelled my newspaper since I flip out every time I read about an injustice, which seems to be prevalent in the paper. *I try to watch only inspiring, or funny, or amazing stuff on TV. *And I have two books on the go - "Awaken the Giant Within" by Tony Robbins and the book I mentioned above. *Those two books, combined with therapy are constantly filling my head with wonderful, positive, life changing stuff. * I am currently in the midst of a couple of crises that started last week and I had a pretty bad time Friday night. *I honestly didn't know how I'd get through the weekend. *However, it has surprised me how resilient I am today. *I basically haven't given the problem more than a few minutes of thought today. *A month ago, I would have been in a never ending state of panic over it.

I hope you can learn to push out the bad memories and replace them with good ones. You WILL inevitably become a new person with all the growth you are about to embark on. **

[notmary]

Hi EN,

I hope that you are doing well in creating the new you. I happen to think that you are pretty amazing already and so you don't need to be recreated... maybe just tweak out the bad memories! Hoping you have a peaceful day.

[Endlessnight]

IrmaJean,

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

that is beautiful and so true, I felt like crying when I read it because it made me want to let go of the strings that hold me back and soar like it says we are born to do.

Thank you for the healing vibes, they make a difference in my life.

Hi Athena. Thank you for your feedback and insight. It is surprising how resilient we are, isn't it? Long after I ceased to 'live' my body went right on going and though I do wish it hadn't, still I know now that I have to accept it and move on from regret and bitterness. I can let go of hate, of anger, but those other two are my biggest obstacles to soaring.

I know what you mean about obsessing over things, getting anxiety attacks about things you have no control over at all. I try to remember this:

If you can't change a situation you can change your attitude towards it.

I hope your journey is a good one, Athena. Take care.

Mary, thank you for saying you think i'm okay as I am. I might not quite believe that yet, but i'm trying. I haven't been hating on myself as much as I used to, and when I get upset with myself and start calling myself names I have been able to catch myself doing it and stop it. Take the baby steps with me, Mary. We have to learn to like ourselves and not blame ourselves anymore. Take my hand while we do this together.

[Katey]

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Edited January 16, 2011 by Katey
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[notmary]

Hi EN

Thank you for offering me your hand in this journey. It feels safer knowing that we can be on it together. It is so hard not to blame myself. The monsters words are ingrained into every part of my life and I do truly believe what he has told me. I feel like the only way to beat him is to be a better person. It is hard not to use his words against myself, but I am trying.

I hope that you are finding some peace and comfort.

Mary

[Endlessnight]

Hi Katey.

I'm sorry you are feeling so sad right now. I know when I read the quote it made me feel a little sad too because it shows us all we CAN be, but maybe haven't quite made it there yet. It made me happy too though. Happy because I realised that I do have the potential to be all that, and so do you, so do we all.

It is hard to "be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous, realizing we are all meant to shine, manifesting the glory of God that is within us" when I am down like this.

Sometimes we get lost in our pain and forget that we can be other than the person we are at that moment. The feelings of hurt and loss can overwhelm everything else. I'm sorry you lost your friend, but maybe you can make some new ones, starting right here and now?

Tell us about yourself Katey, about why you feel like you can't say what you want to. Try and let it out, bit by bit if you can. You can write it here if you want, doesn't matter if it's 'way off thread' or not. Take care, and as so many kind people on here have said to me, 'be kind to yourself'.

[IrmaJean]

Hi,

It is hard to "be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous, realizing we are all meant to shine, manifesting the glory of God that is within us" when I am down like this.

The idea is to allow the possibilities first, Katey. Know that it is in you. Know that one day you will find your way to your own beauty and light. Maybe you won't see it today, tomorrow or even next month...but as long as you are open to your own potential...your light will eventually shine through.

How are you feeling, Endless?

[Katey]

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Edited January 16, 2011 by Katey
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[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry, Katey.

Actually I struggle quite frequently. I've been to therapy, though have been out for 2 years now. I get a lot of support from my friends here. I tend to react with too much emotion at times. I have anxiety. I'm insecure and sometimes overly needy. I'm not very assertive. In the past I have been extremely shy. My self-esteem still isn't the greatest. I suffer a great deal when I experience loss. Just yesterday, I was feeling as if I needed my feelings acknowledged, which seemed to me even more important than what the actual feelings were about, and became frustrated (in a very short period of time) when my needs weren't being met. I discovered something very important, though. When I actually asked for what I needed instead of hedging like I usually do, my friends responded. Lesson learned.

A lot of times when I post here, I am also talking to myself. Writing down the thoughts to others helps me to feel them and remind myself of them.

I actually receive quite a lot when I give here. My helping others and being positive doesn't make my problems go away, but it helps me to feel my own goodness. I love to give. I love accessing the caring, kind, nurturing parts of myself and expressing those parts of myself. When I do that I also offer the same kindness to myself. It feels very good. So I am giving to myself too.

I can really relate to what you've said about not feeling your gifts as having been received in the genuine manner that you expressed them. This is very painful! If you are feeling sad, I am very willing to listen to and accept your expressions of this. I apologize if I was pushing positivity before you were ready. I understand that you don't know me, but I promise that my heart is very sincere. I'm sorry that your friend's was not. I'm also very sorry if anything I wrote was in any way painful to you. Please keep talking and expressing your feelings. I will listen and acknowledge if that is what you are needing right now.

[Katey]

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Edited January 16, 2011 by Katey
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[Katey]

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Edited January 16, 2011 by Katey
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[Endlessnight]

Mary,

I feel like the only way to beat him is to be a better person.

You don't need to be a 'better' person Mary, that's just his words making you put the blame on yourself again. I think the only way to beat him is to know that everything he told you is a lie. You need to know this deep inside and believe it. You can beat him Mary, you can.

IrmaJean hi,

I'm doing well thank you for asking. Seeing a post from you always makes me smile, it makes me feel warm and your words comfort me even if they are on someone else's thread. I hope you are well.

[Endlessnight]

Hi Katey.

but it is being disingenuous with myself and others because sometimes I DO feel down, and I feel like now, it is not okay to let certain people know that. Put on a smile, be positive, don't show you have any emotions if they are not positive.

How are you today? Why do you feel that it's not okay to let certain people see that you are feeling down? Is it that you just got into the habit of saying 'i'm fine' when anyone asked you? I know I have that problem. When anyone asks me, 'how are you?' I always answer 'fine', even when i'm not. But everyone feels down now and again, and I think we have to admit that we are not okay in order to get better. When I first saw my pdoc, almost 2 years ago and he prescribed medication for my depression I felt such relief. It was like a load had been lifted from my shoulders for me to finally admit I needed help. For thirty years I had drifted through life, living from day to day - if you can call it 'living'. I felt totally disconnected from myself and from those around me and from life itself. I am getting better, slowly, but hopefully I will keep on making those little steps that may not seem much at the time but, over time, mean a lot.

I hope you will feel you can open up here about your problems and not have to wear a mask. This is the only place I have where I don't wear mine. It's safe to do so here, Katey.

Good luck and take care.

[Katey]

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Edited January 16, 2011 by Katey
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[IrmaJean]

Katey, have you noticed, in other respects of your life, a difficulty with receiving? I have had similar feelings that you've described with feeling bad about receiving, even when I was feeling it for giving. My first inclination was self-punishment for receiving. The misconception in my mind was that receiving was selfish. Or that I wasn't worthy of it.

A few things to keep in mind...When you give, you also receive. When you receive, you also give. The big word is balance. The relationship you've described sounds unbalanced and this understandably made you uncomfortable. One of the greatest things about giving for me is that it helps me to get in touch with and feel my own strengths. I used to fight these positive sensations, but now I allow them. That's what is meant by letting your light shine. Sounds as if your friend was telling you this, but then wouldn't allow you it within the relationship. I imagine that could be very confusing and upsetting.

As far as talking down about yourself...I do think it's very important to be gentle and kind to yourself. That doesn't mean you shouldn't freely express frustration or sad, painful feelings...it means that you be respectful and forgiving with yourself. This is a first step toward taking better care of yourself.

I hope you have a serene day today.

[58corvette]

Hello Endless & Others;

I think Mr. Swartz would agree getting out anger in a positive way is good. Just reading he has his own issues helps me. I used to say dont forget your past, so that you learned for today in order to live for the future. Sounds a bit stupid, confussing & wrong. But there is some sence to it.

I think if we use that properly we can move forward. It is a matter of understanding ourselves, coming to grips with it & moving forward. I am rambling a bit I know. But somehow, someday i hope to get where i need to be again. Writing helps. Sometimes I wish i could meet many of you In Person. I know just that helps to see the person that does the writing with true feeling.

It allows us to connect even more so. I have Anger Issues, along with many others as you know. But hopefully as I continue to express as you do, we will all get better within ourselves.

[Katey]

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Edited January 16, 2011 by Katey
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[Endlessnight]

Since I posted on my blog about some areas of life here in SA i've been thinking a lot about when I first came here and the huge culture shock I faced. I was 15 when we came here, for what was supposed to be the summer vacation only and ended up being (not by choice) for life. I find it hard to think back to the girl I was then. I was so lost and alone with no one to turn to or help me. There is so much pain involved.

I've also been wondering about my memory of things. I have almost no recollection of my life between the ages of twentyish to fifty (I am now 54). Even in my childhood memories, there are huge gaps. I was wondering if this was normal? Is it a part of being depressed?

[finding my way]

I'm no expert, but gaps in memory can be from trauma or can be from a style of coping. The hopeful thing is that you are coming awake now, endless, and starting to live again:o. I know that it hurts at times:(

[Endlessnight]

Hi Finding. Perhaps you are right, and my loss of memories was a coping thing. I really don't know. I have some flashbacks to bad memories sometimes, and to be able to sort them out, to get relief from them, I need to remember them, but I don't. Some things I cannot post here so I don't know what to do about understanding them and making sense of them.

[Endlessnight]

Hi. While being sick I have had a lot of time to think and i've begun to understand something about myself. Before I came on this forum I hadn't known that it was okay to feel anger. I have always tried to supress my feelings, good and bad. But from reading different threads on here I understand now that I have to be honest with myself in order to get better, and talking about my anger, as I have done in a previous post, was a big step and a good one I feel. Maybe just by acknowledging that I have a right to feel the way I feel I can start to move on, away from my self-blame and self-hatred. I hope so anyway.

I wanted to write something here that is very personal. I know I won't be laughed at or made fun of on here which is why I am going to post it. It's my wish list, but not one listing the things that I would like to do before I die, because I have made peace with the fact that I won't be able to achieve most of the things, maybe none of the things, on my list.

1. Love and be loved

2. be kissed

3. be a mother

4. walk in green valleys and hills, smell the flowers and trees, and feel the wind on my face and in my hair

5. just lie somewhere and feel the sun on my face and watch the clouds go by

6. watch a sunrise

7. spend a night under the stars and stargaze

8. attend a musical concert (any kind)

9. visit Troy, Mycenae, Knossos, Babylon (I love ancient history)

10. spend the night on a boat at sea

11. ride a bike

12. have a cat as a pet

I encourage anyone else that would like to post their wish lists here.

Edited December 20, 2010 by Endlessnight
I keep remembering things I really wish I could have!

[IrmaJean]

That's a beautiful list, M. Very serene. The beautiful things in the world are something to cherish. You have so much love in your heart, perhaps you can accomplish #1 by first loving yourself. I hope your dreams come true.

I'll have to think some on this and come back to add mine.

[Endlessnight]

Hi IrmaJean. I have never thought that I should love myself, that's a strange notion to me. I am kinder to myself now than I ever have been though. I have accepted myself to the extent where I can now stop myself when I get into the name calling. I used to do that a lot, call myself bad or derogatory names, not so much anymore. Now I make allowances for myself. I give myself a break, something i've never done before. I realise I am much better than I was a year ago, just from that.

I want to thank everyone on this forum. Thank you all for being here, for offering compassion, understanding, help and advice when needed, and for reaching out to others like myself, and making us feel that we are not alone.

Happy holidays to everyone!

[LaLa]

I am kinder to myself now than I ever have been though. I have accepted myself to the extent where I can now stop myself when I get into the name calling. I used to do that a lot, call myself bad or derogatory names, not so much anymore. Now I make allowances for myself. I give myself a break, something i've never done before. I realise I am much better than I was a year ago, just from that.

That's so pleasant to read, EN! I'm happy you succeeded to be better to yourself!

I want to thank you for the possibility to know you and to watch your progress. I want to thank you for not giving up even in hard times. And for sharing your world with us.

Have peaceful holidays and ... I wish you that at least some of your wishes from the list you posted will come true in the new year ...