Another 26 year old virgin

[Lone Horseman]

Just posted some of this in the New Members thread, but I figured it was more appropriate here.

I turn 26 this month and got here from the 26 year old virgin advice post when googling it on a whim. It is helpful to read how other people feel and are dealing with similar issues.

First off to explain where I am: As I said I am a 26 year old male virgin, and (as others here have also said) I have never kissed a girl and never been in a real relationship. I understand the majority of my problem stems from a lack of self-esteem, but I fear the longer this continues, the less likely I will ever have sex.

I have no moral objections to losing my virginity. Up to a point in my life, I would say I wanted to wait till marriage, I came from a very religious family, but I have also had the innate desire for sex as long as I can remember (so as a teenager, I always felt "wait till marriage... but if something happens sooner all the better probably soul mates anyway". But I was a dumb kid who believed in romantic ideals and not yet jaded by society and life). Though I lost my faith gradually over time (though I still have some theological belief), and eventually that had little bearing over the issue and now none at all. But even more than sex, I desire physical and emotional intimacy with a girl (sex just being an amazing bonus).

My problem is that I have no confidence in myself whatsoever. I can get by day to day and fake confidence so people do not think worse of me (I hate to burden others with my problems) and can appear happy and without self-doubt (the latter illusion is not consistent however). I can talk to girls without trouble, but I cannot seem to find a way to either gets girls "interested" and if there is any point where they may be, I either pick up on a subtle idea that there must be something they don't like about me (and its likely often only in my head, but I cannot help but think that is how they must feel), so I feel why would a girl want me to touch her hand, much less how could I possibly try to kiss her?

I personally feel like I am not attractive, not brilliant, not hilarious, not wealthy, not stylish. And yet my rational mind knows that I am not ugly, I am intelligent to some degree, I can make people laugh, money isn't everything, and that it isn't difficult to find the right style. But because I do not feel like I am really a "high positive" (and at any given time, I will often feel highly negative about any or all of these) in any of these categories, it just isn't enough to be "worthy" of desire.

Because of these self-doubts I can rarely seem to even attempt more than conversation with a girl. All my past failures are cemented in my mind tearing away even the artificial confidence I use, continued attempts become more difficult all the time. I even fear my lack of confidence as something to be unconfident about.

I want, so much, to just have a close and intimate connection with a girl. To "love" a girl and have it reciprocated, and if that can lead to sex all the better (or if the sex leads to love, whichever order; and even just sex itself is absolutely fine as well; my modern jaded ideas of "love" probably find it easier to believe in "just sex"). But I also fear now that because I am so inexperienced at my age, I would be bad at everything (kissing, holding her in my arms, sex), and I further worry all of it would be awkward because of the fear that she might not actually desire me. I just feel lost when it comes to bridging this gap between meeting a girl and actually gaining her affections.

Edited November 10, 2010 by Lone Horseman

[randomperson]

I know how you feel because I am where you are. I am 31 almost 32.

The key to every situation I have linked is more self esteem than the act itself.

I am looking for answers myself.. I feel lost like you. Only thing I can really help with is to tell you we are not alone and like you said it is not looks or anything like that.

I will give one piece of advice guard your heart. Because of our unique situation it is easy to fall in love.. to hope if someone gives you hope.. and because of that it is easy to get hurt. People in this thread have such a longing to be loved I think sometimes we scare people off, I know I get a little clingy. And personally I don't know what to do about that.

At 30 I was in my first ever relationship.. though it was long distance.

I did go see her once with her family. The family had swine flu we was staying at there house had little to no time to ourselves, but I did take her out on a walk and did kiss her. First kiss at 30 :/

I was very shy it was very quick think I blushed afterwards even lol.. your right I wasn't very good. And I was too shy to try again. When I left we did have a great hug.. very emotional still remember it. We got engaged during the trip I had known her awhile and her family for years.. then when I got back I got dumped.....

Nearly drove me nuts. I kept wondering what I did wrong really crushed my self esteem.

Long story short.. I found out about a year later.. it was do to problems she had.. really wasn't me at all.

She was gorgeous, looked like a super model and lot younger than me.. I should feel really confident that she cared at all and kissed me.. she even said I was "very handsome". But it hasn't helped. I still have very low self esteem.

I can say though when I felt loved it started to change me in a good way (while I felt it).

What we are all looking for more than that act of sex is true intimate love, to feel loved to reaffirm we are special.. worth loving.

I know that from that one relationship I was in. If I just do the act at this point in my life it will go against so much I believe in.. and all of this will be for nothing. I want some type of bond. Personally I want to feel love first or I will really regret it later.

[shye1]

I can relate to both of u guys. And similarly, I don't really know what to do to get out of this predicament. One thing that did make me feel better was dating. Even just meeting guys that other people thought I would like. Even if it didn't eventuate into anything, it got the gears in motion and I just wanted to date more and more. A lot of people you never see again and the ones you do, well we all have ghosts of relationships past. Plus it made me feel "normal" which I liked. Get out there a bit, ask your friends if they have any single friends, get a hobby where u can meet people. I just started studying in a field I'm totally passionate about and being around others that feel the same is a positive influence. There is one guy at school who I think is totally gorgeous, just my type, Colin Farrell look a like. We've made eye contact a few times and I can't wait to talk to him. Here's hoping. You just got to make that first step. Meeting people, you realise, hmm I don't like that personality so much, or I really like that about someone. It gets you thinking about what you want in someone else rather than what you think others want from you. All you can be is you, and there are others out there who would totally think you were a catch. You deserve to find yourself a catch also.

Edited November 14, 2010 by shye1

[Lone Horseman]

I know how you feel because I am where you are. I am 31 almost 32.

The key to every situation I have linked is more self esteem than the act itself.

I am looking for answers myself.. I feel lost like you. Only thing I can really help with is to tell you we are not alone and like you said it is not looks or anything like that.

I will give one piece of advice guard your heart. Because of our unique situation it is easy to fall in love.. to hope if someone gives you hope.. and because of that it is easy to get hurt. People in this thread have such a longing to be loved I think sometimes we scare people off, I know I get a little clingy. And personally I don't know what to do about that.

At 30 I was in my first ever relationship.. though it was long distance.

I did go see her once with her family. The family had swine flu we was staying at there house had little to no time to ourselves, but I did take her out on a walk and did kiss her. First kiss at 30 :/

I was very shy it was very quick think I blushed afterwards even lol.. your right I wasn't very good. And I was too shy to try again. When I left we did have a great hug.. very emotional still remember it. We got engaged during the trip I had known her awhile and her family for years.. then when I got back I got dumped.....

Nearly drove me nuts. I kept wondering what I did wrong really crushed my self esteem.

Long story short.. I found out about a year later.. it was do to problems she had.. really wasn't me at all.

She was gorgeous, looked like a super model and lot younger than me.. I should feel really confident that she cared at all and kissed me.. she even said I was "very handsome". But it hasn't helped. I still have very low self esteem.

I can say though when I felt loved it started to change me in a good way (while I felt it).

What we are all looking for more than that act of sex is true intimate love, to feel loved to reaffirm we are special.. worth loving.

I know that from that one relationship I was in. If I just do the act at this point in my life it will go against so much I believe in.. and all of this will be for nothing. I want some type of bond. Personally I want to feel love first or I will really regret it later.

Thanks random. Most my "relationships" are over before they ever begin, and over time I have developed a rather cynical view of love itself, but I still do want it so. It is good to know others have trouble overcoming the confidence barrier, I think at least one real "success" (be it sex or at the very least having a girl that I like desiring me as well).

I can relate to both of u guys. And similarly, I don't really know what to do to get out of this predicament. One thing that did make me feel better was dating. Even just meeting guys that other people thought I would like. Even if it didn't eventuate into anything, it got the gears in motion and I just wanted to date more and more. A lot of people you never see again and the ones you do, well we all have ghosts of relationships past. Plus it made me feel "normal" which I liked. Get out there a bit, ask your friends if they have any single friends, get a hobby where u can meet people. I just started studying in a field I'm totally passionate about and being around others that feel the same is a positive influence. There is one guy at school who I think is totally gorgeous, just my type, Colin Farrell look a like. We've made eye contact a few times and I can't wait to talk to him. Here's hoping. You just got to make that first step. Meeting people, you realise, hmm I don't like that personality so much, or I really like that about someone. It gets you thinking about what you want in someone else rather than what you think others want from you. All you can be is you, and there are others out there who would totally think you were a catch. You deserve to find yourself a catch also.

Thanks to you too Shye, being around other single people really does help. Right now I am just in a really bad position, cause I just graduated college and don't have a new job yet. Something should be lining up soon though so I will at least be meeting new coworkers and branching out further (trying to meet girls through my current friends is tricky to navigate and its tough for me to get in touch with most due to distance, I live in the middle of nowhere).

It is just tough trying to go from talking to a girl to the "does she like me? should i touch her hand? should i try to kiss her?" stage. It is tough enough when you are young and inexperienced, but at 26 you are pretty much expected to be good at kissing (and sex), so I sometimes get over that when displaying even a mask a confidence.

As it is now, I just try my best at faking confidence and being social. I don't even know where to begin looking though now that college is over and parties are few and far between. Its tough to progress with coworkers, cause I am always afraid that rejection will make the workplace awkward, I hate dancing at clubs (I can't avoid looking like a white guy dancing, regardless of being good or not) so meeting girls there usually hits a dead end, and I never want to feel like a "creep" just trying to hit on random girls.

So currently meeting girls is a bit of a barrier, but once I have met a girl I like (and is actually single, an even rarer occurrence) I just want to find a way to get to physical contact (I always fear at some point I've lost her interest). Maybe I just need to keep experimenting between "having a girls interest" and "alcohol" to give me the courage, trying to find that perfect medium before the intoxication causes a lack of interest (so far its at least gotten me phone numbers, but little else).

[somebody25]

I

I will give one piece of advice guard your heart. Because of our unique situation it is easy to fall in love.. to hope if someone gives you hope.. and because of that it is easy to get hurt.

I know this is a big worry of mine that I'll be so desperate for human contact that I'll unknowingly let some terrible guy take advantage of me. I see women who I had thought were smart putting up with some terrible people. I worry that I'm not immune to it either.

But I really don't want to be one of those people who have "matured" into seperating sex with intimacy. I feel like you damage yourself somehow that way...

[randomperson]

I know this is a big worry of mine that I'll be so desperate for human contact that I'll unknowingly let some terrible guy take advantage of me. I see women who I had thought were smart putting up with some terrible people. I worry that I'm not immune to it either.

But I really don't want to be one of those people who have "matured" into seperating sex with intimacy. I feel like you damage yourself somehow that way...

Yeah I still struggle with my "ex" I laugh inside saying that as I have been alone so much of my life. She has different problems but is pretty messed up too. She is having a tough time right now as well.

I am very confused with everything, not sure what to do or where to turn.

Just last month she even said she loved me for the first time.. then she backs away to the point of ignoring me. Her sister says she is "scared".

Being who I am where I am it is tough.. not knowing what is going on with her. No matter what I do she takes one step forward two back. I wonder if it is this loneliness that keeps me wanting to make things work with her. If in a way I am in the same pattern you are talking about.

Edited November 15, 2010 by randomperson

[Ash773]

Hi lone horseman, just wanted to quickly say that I am in the same boat as you mate, I turn 22 next month and I honestly don't know how long I can carry on going with my life like this. I haven't had a girlfriend since I was like 12 or 13? But I have a few other issues with myself that I think are seriously going to hinder my chances of ever have a girlfriend...

[randomperson]

Welcome to the forums. I also saw your post in the new members thread.

One great thing you are still very young. It is more normal than you think to be your age and still a virgin Your college age perfect place perfect time to meet new friends and maybe that special woman. I made the mistake of focusing too much on work.. Didn't realize how hard it is to meet people once you leave that social environment and start to get older.

I can tell just like the rest of us, you feel uneasy unsure of yourself.

Society places such a huge emphasis on so many of the wrong things.

You made a huge step talking to others. I suggest just getting around good people your age focusing on knowing your own self worth.

You will be surprised how many of the problems will slowly go away. You will feel good about yourself, and from that and networking you will likely meet someone who will care for you and who you are inside

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi again Randomperson,

I just read you post here, I didnt know your story was like that, maybe I am to quick judging my husband for not kissing me and so on...as he was virgin too.

Maybe it will be better by time. I have a tendency to think he cannot possible be attracted to me, but maybe I am wrong.

I hope everything will be fine for you and other virgins here, we all want love and I agree it is to feel loved and worthy and special that means something before the act of sex.

[randomperson]

Thanks. Life is .. complicated. Not easy to put in a box, or to know the perfect answers. Not used to being called a virgin haha. Funny society has put such a stigma on things. It almost feels like an insult when in fact it is not. I read a post just a few minutes ago about someone who felt bad because she was not sexually aroused. In a way I am jealous of her. Life would be so much easier lol. In fact I am just the opposite, it has been difficult sticking to my beliefs and feelings sometimes.

I keep thinking back to that movie the 40 year old virgin. It was funny ..but I also hated it. Never watched the whole thing. Reminded me too much of myself. Also what a negative view society in general has to people like me.

As far as my relationship. Like I said in the other post where we were talking..I'm really not sure what is going on with it.. or really how she truly feels. For all I know she could just consider me someone to talk to when times are rough and nothing more.

It would be easy to know if we were close by and could see each other.

But regardless I need to get better before I get in a serious relationship,

and she is helping me do this in a odd way.

I am hoping things will just work out one way or another with time.

Hoping one day I will get married and have children of my own

Personally I don't like being a virgin this long lol.. but I do believe in doing what I feel is right for me. That is being true to my heart. Just hoping I won't be 60 still saying this hahaha

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi Randomperson,

I understand its not easy...its good that she can be of help for you, I hope things will be good and I am sure you will get married and have a family too one day...with time things will be better. Its not any wrong to be virgin, to be honest if I could go back again I wish I was virgin in that way he was the first to have me. But I do understand its little different the other way man being virgin...but its better being a virgin than to be that kind of man who have run down all women...and even woman long for a bit more aggression in a virgin she knows he needs time, like I want or wish from my husband he will be more aggressive right away but understand I have to wait and it will be better by time...I hope ..lol..I have some trust issues beside this. But I appreciate much more him being a virgin than that kind of man who have run down all women. I am proud of my husbands religious view on this and his strong character waiting so long to be with someone.

I´m not sure if everything I write is good or bad, I mean only the best and wish all will be ok for everyone, I am sure it will, just takes little time:)

[somebody25]

Not that I know anything about it but... I think your husband just needs some practice. I know I worry about being 'bad at it'. Just give him a little time. You've got your whole life to teach/train(lol) him just the way you like.

Gosh, I wish I was in that situation...

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi Somebody:)

yes he needs little practice...he did ask me how he did and I said he did good and he did. Really??? he sad surprised...if the women loves you she doesnt think any less of you because of that, she knows its not easy being virgin...I can tell from myself even my husband couldnt "finish" the second time, I am very sure he didnt ( because he was on top of me, I think that is more bad as he know I see his face and it take away the consentration)and pretended he did finish...lol..I didnt love him any less of that reason. My husband was open about it before we met, saying he was virgin and that he needed some help and I said he shouldnt worry. With the right woman she will understand and give you time

[infrared_radiation]

Interesting thread.

I am 26 as well, and the amount of girls I've done sexual things with (not all were full penis-in-vagina sexual intercourse, but all of these were of an unambiguously sexual nature, involving at least being in bed together with clothes off) is 9.

If you count in the amount of girls I've merely kissed and so on, the number is considerably higher - how much higher I don't really know, can't remember to be honest, have never bothered to count.

Do I feel happy? No. I've still spent long periods of time alone.

I don't think people should worry too much about what's expected of them in terms of how experienced they are supposed to be or what they should be able to do at a certain age... a good idea is just to be yourself, and play it cool... and to some extent I would argue, take it easy, don't give a fuck.

Having only had 9 females that I've been sexually intimate with between the age of 18 and 26 doesn't feel like that much to be honest. As has already been noted, it's often not just about sex as you can just masturbate, watch porn, or whatever even if you are alone - but physical intimacy is something that you cannot get when you're by yourself, by definition.

[AmericanPsycho]

Just posted some of this in the New Members thread, but I figured it was more appropriate here.

I turn 26 this month and got here from the 26 year old virgin advice post when googling it on a whim. It is helpful to read how other people feel and are dealing with similar issues.

First off to explain where I am: As I said I am a 26 year old male virgin, and (as others here have also said) I have never kissed a girl and never been in a real relationship. I understand the majority of my problem stems from a lack of self-esteem, but I fear the longer this continues, the less likely I will ever have sex.

I have no moral objections to losing my virginity. Up to a point in my life, I would say I wanted to wait till marriage, I came from a very religious family, but I have also had the innate desire for sex as long as I can remember (so as a teenager, I always felt "wait till marriage... but if something happens sooner all the better probably soul mates anyway". But I was a dumb kid who believed in romantic ideals and not yet jaded by society and life). Though I lost my faith gradually over time (though I still have some theological belief), and eventually that had little bearing over the issue and now none at all. But even more than sex, I desire physical and emotional intimacy with a girl (sex just being an amazing bonus).

My problem is that I have no confidence in myself whatsoever. I can get by day to day and fake confidence so people do not think worse of me (I hate to burden others with my problems) and can appear happy and without self-doubt (the latter illusion is not consistent however). I can talk to girls without trouble, but I cannot seem to find a way to either gets girls "interested" and if there is any point where they may be, I either pick up on a subtle idea that there must be something they don't like about me (and its likely often only in my head, but I cannot help but think that is how they must feel), so I feel why would a girl want me to touch her hand, much less how could I possibly try to kiss her?

I personally feel like I am not attractive, not brilliant, not hilarious, not wealthy, not stylish. And yet my rational mind knows that I am not ugly, I am intelligent to some degree, I can make people laugh, money isn't everything, and that it isn't difficult to find the right style. But because I do not feel like I am really a "high positive" (and at any given time, I will often feel highly negative about any or all of these) in any of these categories, it just isn't enough to be "worthy" of desire.

Because of these self-doubts I can rarely seem to even attempt more than conversation with a girl. All my past failures are cemented in my mind tearing away even the artificial confidence I use, continued attempts become more difficult all the time. I even fear my lack of confidence as something to be unconfident about.

I want, so much, to just have a close and intimate connection with a girl. To "love" a girl and have it reciprocated, and if that can lead to sex all the better (or if the sex leads to love, whichever order; and even just sex itself is absolutely fine as well; my modern jaded ideas of "love" probably find it easier to believe in "just sex"). But I also fear now that because I am so inexperienced at my age, I would be bad at everything (kissing, holding her in my arms, sex), and I further worry all of it would be awkward because of the fear that she might not actually desire me. I just feel lost when it comes to bridging this gap between meeting a girl and actually gaining her affections.

I have you beat by 3+ years.

[MrOkay]

I'm 46 years old and I've only had sex with one woman in my life. But I live in hope things will change..

Hope that one day a beautiful young princess will fall for this middle-aged small penis guy, but I can't see it.

Maybe I will end up with a sympathetic much older woman, about 20 years older than me. I suppose that would be better than nothing. But at this moment in time I'd prefer to be without sex if that's the only optioon..

[newguy]

I'm 24 male and sadly never had a real rship I had sex once that didn't last long at all I am hung like a door mouse so have no hope of finding a none drunk girl to mess around with life sucks

[itinaeroa]

Well I'm 35 and never had any sexual contact with a girl. I have kissed a girl once and that was a syliva filled tongue - lip mash lol. She just happened to be one of the most experienced girls I knew too - i feel so embarrassed now.

I don't know, I just never felt the pressure that others seem to have about losing their virginity. I was so busy doing other things time got away on me.