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Mom passed away 11/1 - Middle Sister is a bully


stormy

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I'm not sure where to start on this new thread - in October, I had some helpful posts here about what to do with my middle sister, so I guess I will start at that point. I'm the youngest of three sisters and 52 years old. I was laid-off from my govt. job last September (2009) in Houston so I decided to move to Austin to go back to school. I have been totally independent and living on my own until then. In the interim, that next December in 2009, I was invited to move in with my 89 year old mother, and did so for about three months until I could figure out what to do next. I decided to go back to school and my middle sister who lived in Austin suggested I move in with her, which I did in April 2010. She had just lost her significant other the previous October so she was dealing with that. We have had relationship problems (she was physically violent) in the past but I thought we had gotten beyond those issues, but I was wrong. In so many ways we are alike, except for her anger and temper tantrums. I was giving her some rent ($200) as I was on Worker's Comp, but she said if I lived with her, I had to get a job. Okay, well I looked....and I looked, but could not find anything. When I found a job that I liked and interviewed for it, I was either not qualified or overly qualified. You know the story. I registered at a local college and qualified for student aid, which I told her I would be paying her rent out of. Three weeks after I moved in, she got angry with me because I hadn't found a job in a month. During this fight she asked me to move out, right then and there and leave all my belongings behind. I went back to Mom's for a week, after which we patched things up momentarily. We had another major disagreement in October (last month) which I had asked the folks on this forum if I should get a place of my own because I was in fear of physical violence. They said yes, but to get a place before I moved out. My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer in July and she just passed away on November 1. We got through the arrangements and the Memorial. This last week, my sister and I got into it again. We had planned to go see a popular movie together and I got held up at school and was running late. Once I got out, I tried to call her twice on her cell to find out where she was and if she still wanted to go to the movie. Never could get in touch with her, so I went on to see the movie, thinking she got tired of waiting on me. The cell phone was in her bedroom and she said she didn't hear it, and that I should have tried to call her on the house phone, which she has hooked up to a fax machine to discourage telemarketers. To be honest, I forgot that she had asked me to do that before. So now she says I am the most undependable and selfish person she knows. She is very good at psychological warfare. I am also mourning the loss of my mother but I'm going through tough times trying to fit in her world of drama. I walk on eggshells at her house and she interrogates me with everything I do. Her house is filthy, her dogs bark and poop on the floor which stays for days, and I can't cook in her kitchen because it is so nasty. It has gotten to the point that I can not study or sleep at her house because my concentration is off. I could not spend Thanksgiving dinner with her, if I tried to eat, I just don't think I could get the food down because of what she said and the fact she thinks I am so deplorable. I told her I decided to go out of town for Thanksgiving and she is livid. But I had to detach myself from her, because of the verbal abuse. BTW, I have found a place to live and have put a deposit on it and can move in anytime, but I told my sister December 9th, because I have finals this week and the next. That would give me time to study at school, organize and downsize my stuff and get it into storage. Yesterday I packed my bags and left her house at 10:30am to go to school to study and from there was going to go to our mother's house to stay Thursday through Saturday so I can study in peace. So, I'm driving on my way out of town after school and she calls me and accuses me of vandalizing her SUV (someone broke her tail light lens). I told her that no matter how mad I was at her, I would never do that to her (and I did not do it). She hung up on me, so that's where it stands ladies and gentlemen. I am here alone at my mother's house, but somehow I feel closer to her just by being here. She was my refuge and my safe place so naturally, I wanted to come here. Anybody have any insight on this situation and can you confirm I did the right thing? Thanks so much!

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I apologize about the long post....

Well, I'm really embarrassed that two grown people have to act this way, but I did want to mention that I did step up to the plate and told my sister that I was sorry about the movie incident...then she told me I was worthless. I think I am doing the right thing by moving out, and I think the sooner the better before it escalates into her hitting me or worse. I didn't mention above that she expected me to clean, pick up her messes in the house, wash her dirty dishes (and I need help with this). She said she shouldn't have to tell me to do these things that I should use common sense as to what she needs help with around the house. If I use dishes (mostly microwave) I wash them. If I use something, its put back in its original condition. Most meals I eat out. The problem is, right now, I can barely take care of myself, much less her. I think this is where she thinks I am selfish and that I don't think about anyone else but myself. She says that I'm to pick up where her significant who passed away left off. Am I being unreasonable????? I actually RESENT having to do her stuff, especially when I have to study, or take care of my stuff. Its hard to go back to school after 30+ years!!! I failed my Elementary Algebra this semester and have to retake it this next semester to satisfy TSI requirements here in Texas. Because my two older sisters had jobs and I was only in school, I had the brunt of most of the caregiving, radiation and chemo treatments, because my mom was sick. Even though it was a sad time, I wouldn't trade that time with my mom for all the money in the world. I was glad to be there for her. She was my hero. Now I just have to find a way to deal with this empty hole in my heart.

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Stormy, I feel some of your pain. I have been taking care of my mom who has progressive MS and has been 24 hour care for going on ten years.. I am slowly watching her slip away. I am doing this alone, with the help of a paid caregiver who comes in for short tiem during the weekdays.. I often feel resent towards other family members who do not offer to do one little thing, just to give me maybe a 20minute break. Its hard to watch my mom go through this, she has been my rock for so long.

As far as how you are handling the sister thing, I think you are on the right track..seems to be a lot of control issues and a very toxic enviroment for you. It's time for you and to take care of yourself. Your sister is just going to have learn how to get by and maybe seek help for herself somewhere else, but that will only happen whe she realizes she has a problem, which is not you.

Again Im sorry for your loss and take care

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Stormy,

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. The loss of a parent is one of the hardest things we have to endure. I know it was for me.

You are doing the right thing getting away from your sister. You need to be able to concentrate. I taught a college psychology class to adults who were returning to school after many years and it was extremely difficult for them.

Allan

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