suicidal thoughts-for no actual reason

[finding my way]

Dear rubies, I'm glad you got some help from gravity! It is so stressful trying to prepare for exams. Please take special care, and we are thinking good thoughts for you!!!

[spiritual_emergency]

rubies: I don’t know where to begin. I think that reading more related articles would make a great beginning but unfortunately I haven’t got time now. I should survive my exams (with success…) and then I should start to develop a new way of thinking with the help you gave me and with the help you will give me through your blogs.

I have only a moment here rubies but I'm glad to know my words have been helpful to you. I wish you great success with your exams. Everything else can wait. Meantime, I will be coming back to this thread and adding some more to it as time allows. That will have to wait too.

~ Dancing Namaste

[Sissagwaad]

"They are not sure in anything since they can’t diagnose me before I’m 18 (I don’t know why, is there an illness which can’t be diagnosed before 18?) so I can’t be sure of anything either."

The only diagnosis I've ever been willing to fully accept is this one: Human Being. I accepted that even though there is no cure for being fully human and ultimately, it is a terminal condition. People cannot escape being human but I certainly believe they can overcome being a human whose ego has collapsed. I see no reason why you should not be capable of aiming for the very best recovery you are personally capable of. And yes, that does include the possibility of a full recovery.

I echo se's response to your questioning above:

(monitor and learn to be discerning of the self-talk, and results)

You can be sure, assured, a full-recovery and a super-normal, self-empowered life experience, IS possible.

Choose, and hold only beliefs that support your journey.

hugs, bw:)

[Ralph]

Rubies are you okay? I have been silently following this thread because, frankly you write a lot of stuff that is in my head too. I saw your thread in the urgent help section and hope you got through it okay.

[rubies]

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Edited September 3, 2011 by rubies

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello rubies,

This song came on the radio as I was composing my response to you. I quite like it.

You Are A Tourist

(This... Fire... Grows... Higher...)

When there's a burning in your heart

An endless fury in your heart

Build it bigger than the Sun

Let it grow

Let it grow

And there's a burning in your heart

Don't be alarmed

(This... Fire... Grows... Higher...)

When there's a doubt in your mind

'Cause you think it all the time

Framin' rights into wrongs

Move along

Move along

When there's a doubt in your mind

When there's a burning in your heart

And you think you'll burst apart

Oh, there's nothing to fear

Save the tears

Save the tears

When there's a burning in your heart

And if you feel just like a tourist

in the city you were born, then, it's time to go

And you find your destination

with so many different places

to call home

'Cause when you find yourself a villain,

In the story you have written

It's plain to see

That sometimes the best intentions

Are in need of redemptions

Would you agree

(This... Fire... Grows... Higher...)

When there's a burning in your heart,

When there's a burning in your heart,

(This... Fire... Grows... Higher...)

When there's a burning in your heart,

(This... Fire... Grows... Higher...)

When there's a burning in your heart,

(This... Fire... Grows... Higher...)

(This... Fire... Grows... Higher...)

You Are A Tourist

Edited May 1, 2011 by spiritual_emergency

[spiritual_emergency]

rubies: I got through that awful night.

I thought you had that kind of strength in you but I'm glad to hear all the same, that you managed in spite of the immense challenges.

I only got through the entrance exam, the matura exam is still waiting for me. It consists of 8 parts, 4 written parts in may and 4 oral parts in june.

I think that's amazing, rubies. You said you were going to get through it though, and you did. It sounds like you have some time to prepare for parts 2 and 3 of your examinations and I think that's good too. I'm not familiar with how things work in your country regarding formal examinations like these although I recognize they're very important to you -- could you tell me a bit about the process itself?

Also, I'm wondering what happens for you after the exams are over. What do you do then? Will you continue to move on to new levels of education or will you begin to pursue a specific career?

Such a pleasure to talk with you again, rubies.

~ Namaste

Music of the Hour:

[spiritual_emergency]

rubies: the part of me which doesn't want to allow me to write here tried to choke me several times during the last few days

I just wanted to offer up some thoughts about this statement. During my own experience there came a point when my own hands ended up around my neck. I didn't really know why I did that then either. Afterwards, I thought about it and I think one possible answer might be that I was reliving an earlier traumatic experience from my own life. That's one possible answer.

Another possible answer is... I was learning about the chakra system then and according to that line of thought, there are energy centers in the body and as energy moves through these chakras, there can be painful feelings or frightening emotions -- this is especially true if we have some emotional difficulties as related to that particular chakra. Learning how to tell your own truth is related to the throat chakra.

Stanislav Grof, a psychiatrist who has devoted a great deal of his life to exploring and understanding transpersonal states of consciousness has also speculated that these kinds of feelings of constriction and tension in the throat may be related to the experience of being born.

All of those are just possible answers and I don't know if they might relate to your specific experience -- you would have to think about that and decide for yourself. I share them so you might understand they are not uncommon in these kinds of experiences. Perhaps that will allow you to feel less frightened about them.

~ Namaste

See also: The Throat Chakra

Music of the Hour:

Edited May 1, 2011 by spiritual_emergency

[spiritual_emergency]

I had to go looking for this one...

... Teresa introduces in this context the interesting image of being strangled. The abandoned soul seeking companionship, she says, is "like a person who has a rope around his neck, being strangled and trying to breathe." She then says that the desire that body and soul not be separated during her trauma (that is, that she not die) is "like a voice crying out for help to breathe."

- Christopher Bache ~ A Reappraisal of Teresa of Avila's Supposed Hysterics

Music of the Hour: DCFC ~ When Soul Meets Body

That's yet another example that discusses the aspect of choking.

None of these examples will necessarily be an answer to your particular, specific experience but they serve to demonstrate that these physiological responses and compulsions may be common. As always, we need to remember that these events do not refer to the need for a physical death but may point to the need for something to die on a psychological level.

See also:

- Ego Death

- Love As the Pulse of the Cosmos

Edited May 1, 2011 by spiritual_emergency

[spiritual_emergency]

One last aspect I wished to comment on rubies...

Did you notice that you shifted away from the psychological space of this discussion to a new psychological space. There was a great deal of fear surrounding that shift but what I thought was interesting is that when you did that, there were other people there who were supportive to you. This probably widened your sense of support. The other interesting factor is you seemed to know who to respond to and trust. I'm guessing this feeling could be located somewhere deep in your guts.

Shifts can be very powerful and when we do them, we often do find that people are still there to support us in our individual journeys (there may later come a time when we support others in their journeys) and that we can trust our guts to safely lead us to people who will be supportive.

~ Namaste

[finding my way]

How are you doing, rubies? I hope today is more peaceful for you:o

[Ralph]

Hi Ralph,

thank you for telling me this, it's good to know that I'm not alone with these feelings. What are those things that you've also experienced? Do you want to talk about it?

I'm better now, thank you for asking, I got through that awful night.

Thank goodness, I am glad you got through it.

I have a lot of the things you mentioned in the first post of this thread, especially the suicidal thoughts. I usually feel like there is more than one "me" inside me and at least one of them wants me dead. Different personalities are in control at different times, and I rarely know which one of them is the real me. Some of them are helpful though. The meds have helped but also it feels like they have just made me look and act more sane while the noisiness inside my head remains just below the surface. I feel alienated from my own body, as if it were its own thing and I'm just along for the ride although I can exert influence over behaviors if I try really hard. There is more but it's hard to write about.

[rubies]

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Edited September 3, 2011 by rubies

[rubies]

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[rubies]

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Edited September 3, 2011 by rubies

[Ralph]

Hi Rubies,

I'm on an antidepressant and two atypical antipsychotics. My diagnosis is depression, officially, but the mix of meds I am on are more directed towards bipolar so I don't know if there's something my doc is not telling me.

Sorry you had a bad day. Do you worry about your pet(s) often? Maybe the stress is making it hard to separate the real from the unreal. You might need to take some time to grieve the loss of the kittens before you move on. I hope you can get some rest to continue your studies. It is hard to have symptoms on top of the normal pressure of this stage. Best of luck on your exams.

[rubies]

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Edited September 3, 2011 by rubies

[Ralph]

My doctor doesn't give me much feedback at all. The only way I know my diagnosis is I looked up the code on one of the lab forms for a blood test (the meds I'm on need me to get blood test every few months). So it's not that she is hiding something but just never gives me any info except dosing schedule for meds, and I have to find out anything more than that indirectly.

It's hard to explain how the some of the thoughts are helpful. I guess I just mean that I have a conscience in with the rest of the thoughts and my conscience helps me decide what to do or separate thoughts and reality. I've been fairly connected to reality lately I think because I have been getting enough sleep. I'm still tired because of the meds but there is only a little of the thoughts, which is not hard to ignore.

I experience a lot of mental emptiness from taking the meds. I didn't before, it was all noisy unless I was asleep. I don't like having no thoughts though because I can't get anything done.

Sometimes my thoughts want me to poison myself too, but not a certain drug like caffeine, just take all sorts of pills. I know it takes a lot of energy to disobey, and I am tired most of the time as a result. I think it helps to take good care of physical health like exercising, eat good foods, and do meditation and yoga. Yet that means many activities that if I get too busy I cannot keep up with.

I really don't cope too well with the thoughts. I have made a strong decision not to kill myself, so the question now is how to live. The harder I try to control the thoughts, the more difficult they become, so I try to just let them go by without getting too caught up in it. Sometimes I am successful and other times I do get caught up and feel like I want to die. I try to keep in mind that life is short anyway, so I don't need to rush it. The main thing is I don't consider the thoughts part of myself, if that makes any sense. They are just thoughts that get in the way, like bad weather. It cannot be changed that they are happening, so I try to find ways to work around it.

I don't know if that helps or not. It is really hard to explain this.

On a completely different topic, how did your exams go?

Edited May 3, 2011 by Ralph

[rubies]

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Edited September 3, 2011 by rubies

[Ralph]

I started to belive that I am extremely weird as I couldn't even fit into psychiatric categories (or at least they told me that).

After being diagnosed between PTSD, Depression, and a few very insistent questions from docs, I think that it's not us, but the docs that are weird. We just know our symptoms, no need to put a label on it. Docs need to divide up into bipolar, GAD, SAD, ODD, OCD, and any other acronym you could create.

Once the doc slaps a label on it, he feels more comfortable. Meanwhile nothing has changed for us. We still have to figure out how to live with the symptoms. Categories are made by people trying to fit data to theory. People exist before the invention of categories.

I can't really organize my life like that.

I know. Me also, but I do try. Better to have at least something as a goal, IMHO.

As for suicide, I think I may not be strong enough to stick with my decision. If there weren't other people depending on me, I would have gone through with it a long time ago. But as my symptoms basically alienate my social contacts over time, it gets harder to live because there is less support from people in the competitive task of just getting by in life.

I thought that they were watching me. I can't explain, who they were

I have had that feeling as well. The best explanation so far is that "they" are messages. They don't communicate so well which leads to them just causing a lot of difficult emotions, but at the end of the day there is something that behind these feelings. Once you figure it out and address it then they quiet down. For a time.

---

I am glad your exam was not too hard, that should mean you prepared well. Sorry the wind bothered you. The wind seems okay to me because it blows away the dirt and makes things more clean. There is more to that but it's hard to put in words. Sometimes normal areas look unfamiliar to me as well. I have walked outside and felt lost in front of my own house because for whatever reason it seems like a new place and I don't even know which way is North.

On the caffeine pills, only you can decide if that is a problem or not. You could be doing worse than caffeine, and you are trying to manage even that. You deserve some credit for that much progress by now.

Edited May 4, 2011 by Ralph

[rubies]

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Edited September 3, 2011 by rubies

[rubies]

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[Ralph]

When I lie in my bed I experience a feeling which is similar to the feeling of falling down.

Sounds like it might be "sleep starts." Many people even healthy folks experience this. Frequency of sleep starts is correlated with sleep deprivation, high caffeine intake, and stress. More info here: http://www.medlink.com/web_content/MLT0004N.asp

I used to get those but I haven't had them in a while. No idea why as my meds haven't changed since they went from being every night to being a rare event.

My main problem is not the caffeine itself (although not sleeping often brings up symptoms) but that I obey.

In the past I have used any drugs I could get my hands on to get out of suicidal thoughts. For me it is a compromise between wanting to live and wanting to die. It is self-destructive, but kills slowly. I'm basically doing the same thing now, but with meds that are prescribed to me + alcohol.

I don't know how to stop doing it but I believe that we generally want to be healthy. Otherwise it wouldn't bother us. Lately I've been getting closer to the cause behind it, but it still feels like too big to face head on.

[rubies]

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Edited September 3, 2011 by rubies

[finding my way]

Hello rubies, I'm so sorry for your fright with that experience:(.

I am no expert, but I read The Gift of Dyslexia a while back and I just wonder if the techniques developed by Ron Davis could help you. Some dyslexics have perceptual problems a little similiar to yours and they can be trained to get the vantage point of vision back into an anchored position to stabilize the visual experience of the world. I found the website

http://www.dyslexia.com/program.htm

I know your issue isn't dyslexia, but maybe anchoring your view of the world in times of trouble could help? Perceptual difficulties must be very very confusing Do balance poses help in those times?

take care, rubies