But why shouldn't I SI? heavy triggering

[Darkness]

Why shouldn't I cut myself? If it helps me, and I have no other ways, why shouldn't I?

I'm at this point, I learned a lot of people (other students) I trusted were conspiring against me for a long time, trying to get my kicked out of my school by bullying and then pushing my buttons, and using my reactions to get me out, and that only one person kept that from happening ( a teacher I have had spats with recently, but am resolving).

Why shouldn't I? I am sitting around looking up pictures of self-inflicted cuts and going to a site were a 21 year old Londoner talks of how she shouldn't need to be ashamed, forced to stop, or made to be treated.

Why shouldn't I just start again? What mental health reasons is there then?

[Darkness]

No reasons? Ok I think I will go forward with it in an hour if no good answers come. I will probably be at it for an hour so I will still be alseep by midnight then.

[pseudome]

Right now I'm staring down at my chest and stomach and I've cut it up so much this last week and a half it looks like raw meat. This will be wonderfully hypocritical of me, but here's a list of reasons not to:

Permanant scarring. Do it too much and you will spend the rest of your adult life explaining where those scars came from, unless you keep them hidden. If you have an intimate relationship with someone, however, they will always see them. They will see them every day.

Possible infection. I had to be on killer antibiotics once because of this. Unpleasant to say the least. These sorts of thing can get out of hand and even kill a person.

You could accidentally cut to far, need stitches, or worse.

But yeah, I'm not the person to ask about alternatives...

[Darkness]

but I don't think I could ever go that far. I'm one of those people who like the looks of the little scars.

I don't know, maybe I could get there but I don't do it compulsively, at my height I did a tiny bit every day, but since when I had a relapse it was at most twice a week.

As far as infection, I think I can handle that. I have a strong immune system and wash dirty blades when they touch something filthy.

I've only gotten stitches once from a serrated ham knife, I have not dared use a knife since, and only a razor the three times in the last year.

Maybe your right, but I still think I can control myself.

[pseudome]

Also, here's the deal about school--after you graduate, you never have to see these people again. Also, mostly the biggest jerks end up failing at life. Your big revenge is to live well and blow their minds. I totally get that in the moment, these sorts of things can be utterly overwhelming, especially if they sit on top of everything else you got going on. Sometimes I take long walks if I need to clear my head. Doesn't always help, but it at least gets me away from blades for a bit.

It's probably not the best choice to be going around the internet looking for ways to justify it. You woudln't need to be doing that if you actually deep down thought it was a fine thing to do.

But I know the draw. Trust me, oh trust me, I know the craving. The rush. The way it rinses your brain out a bit.

I don't know what else to say. Hang in there? Do you need to talk to someone for a bit? I would guess you'd just cut quietly by yourself and not post on here otherwise. I'm sitting alone doing nothing much but wallowing in my own hell, so i wouldn't mind lending an ear (or eyes, I guess) for awhile.

[pseudome]

I never had any intention of getting stitches or infection either. Just throwing that out there. And about the scars--even if you like them now, I'm willing to bet there will come a time when you regret them.

[Darkness]

Ya, sorry for the ultimatum.

I kinda don't feel like it all of sudden, just the urge wore off. I was thinking about it a lot yesterday but felt too depressed to even get up and do it.

I'm not exactly sure if it would work at this point with all the stuff going on.

I hope it all works out for you, I don't know if I am ready for completely quitting yet. I've went months before without it, but I eventually turn back to it for at least one off time I have learned. I am not just ready.

[pseudome]

awesome. care to lend me some of your my-urge-to-cut-just-went-away cream? I need some so my chest can heal and my shirts stop sticking to the scabs.

[Darkness]

I distracted myself, however unintentionally (my laptop almost died and I needed to go to another part of the house and watch TV while it charged).

I found having people distract me works better than activities, but both work. Food does too sometimes, for some reason I use it for the same reasons that I cut (except anger, and when I am bored). It isn't so magical though, it can fail, and it isn't a 'cure'.

When you heal up, next time you feel like it, you could go outside and do something, like skate or bike, it would probably get your mind off it for a good while, maybe the whole day.

So I guess distraction is the 'magic cream'.

[Darkness]

Also, here's the deal about school--after you graduate, you never have to see these people again. Also, mostly the biggest jerks end up failing at life. Your big revenge is to live well and blow their minds. I totally get that in the moment, these sorts of things can be utterly overwhelming, especially if they sit on top of everything else you got going on. Sometimes I take long walks if I need to clear my head. Doesn't always help, but it at least gets me away from blades for a bit.

It's probably not the best choice to be going around the internet looking for ways to justify it. You woudln't need to be doing that if you actually deep down thought it was a fine thing to do.

But I know the draw. Trust me, oh trust me, I know the craving. The rush. The way it rinses your brain out a bit.

I don't know what else to say. Hang in there? Do you need to talk to someone for a bit? I would guess you'd just cut quietly by yourself and not post on here otherwise. I'm sitting alone doing nothing much but wallowing in my own hell, so i wouldn't mind lending an ear (or eyes, I guess) for awhile.

sorry didn't see this message before.

It wouldn't be as bad if it wasn't going on for so long, and all this stuff I didn't know about I learned of at once, and that I only have a very small chance of graduating. It is a lot of stuff actually, but when 6 out of 50 kids in my high school (its a small private school) have their parents come in and ask that I am removed, its a problem.

These kids were the same ones who bullied me and would intentionally push my buttons and then turn around and tell their parents that they were not comfortable with me at their school. This teacher I have recently been having problems with was the one who defended me time and time again from this, and now that I know of all this so suddenly, it is quite depressing.

[pseudome]

That sucks.

Here's one way to think about it though--even if the worst possible outcome occurs (whatever that may be--they throw you out of school or whatnot)--it may change your path, but it doesn't end your life. There are other ways to get a high school diploma and even if they aren't they ways you had hoped, you may find them less stressful in the end than going to school with morons.

[Darkness]

I should clarify; all this happened a good while ago, and I didn't even know it ever happened. I've never hurt anyone, I yell, but that is all ever if anything.

When I say I may not graduate I mean that I have so much work I may not make it; I am actually weighing dropping out at this point, and giving a whole "are you happy now?" address to those kids, whoever they are.

I considered at one point saying something or making some point and blowing my brains out in front of them too, or having someone help me commit suicide and stuffing different body parts into places each one of those kids would find, like lockers or something.

Then I realized it would be pointless if I can't see how they would take it and suicide isn't a good option. I then turned to the idea of cutting again. But at this point it mostly is something I am turning to to be able to deal with all of this, and not just hang myself.

[pseudome]

I totally get that feeling of being utterly frustrated at other people and the desire to somehow, someway get back at them for being unaccepting twits. Flailing in desperation doesn't do it. Killing yourself in front of them I'm sure would shock them into a state of trauma for the rest of their lives, but there's clearly a downside associated with that idea. They're ignorant and you're better than that. Their ignorance is their problem, not yours.

But yeah, what do you do? The frustration, the emotions are all still there even if you try to rationalize it away. You can't take it out on them so you take it out on yourself. Maybe you can channel things in a different direction? You ever try writing or drawing or playing an instrument or something? I used to play drums for a while and there's something really satisfying about that. I'd like to take it up again, but I live in an apartment and I don't think the neighbors would so much appreciate it.

I don't know. I don't know how helpful I can be when I've got razor on the mind myself tonight. I haven't slept much at all in nearly two weeks. I'm so exhausted, but sleeping leads to flashback dreams leads to losing my mind. Every night. I'm right now flailing around on the internet with a waning buzz, knowing I'll crash soon and knowing how it will all end. It feels like that movie groundhog day--i keep living hte same scene over and over and over again and I can't for the life of me figure out how to stop it and make something different happen.

[Leo1954]

Darkness

You might be alot younger than me but, I'm alot wiser. Don't you give up you hold your head high today there is bullying to the point where kids like you are commiting suicide.

You have alot to offer in this world you are young and to hell with parents that want you out! Go to someone anyone to get help this is terrible what is happening and I see parents that blame the kid that is being bullied.

I don't want you to be a statistic. You are a strong person. I have never been bullied but yes in other ways I have let people bully me I don't want you to have to go through life thinking you believe that this is the way it is. Like I said you are younger but I have been around the block alot longer than you don't let it do to you the way it has been to me!!!!!!!!!!

Take Care Of Yourself

[Darkness]

Thank you Leo.

And pseudo, I think your gonna make it, just keep in there. There is medications for suppressing nightmares, your doctor might be able to tell you more. I don't like the idea of using drugs most of the time, but if it gets bad enough I know that they help.

edit: well I have about four hours left to sleep before I am out all day, I will be online all afternoon probably though at a wifi hotspot, so I'm going to bed now.

[Leo1954]

HI

Are you Ok? I wasn't concerned about myself I was worried about your thoughts And how are you doing!!!

[Darkness]

@ Leo

Only the words "Thank you Leo" where addressed at you, the rest of it was addressed to "pseudome". I referred to him as just "pseudo".

Reread it again now and see if it makes more sense.

@everyone

Well I wrote something really morbid this morning, but after hearing something small from an old friend, I found the joy I needed for the day. Strange, but hey, I'm not complaining.

I just hope tomorrow can work out just this well, I think I am going to crash soon into a full blown relapse, not a small one time thing, but like I did a couple of years ago....

[Darkness]

Ya, screw it, I won't lie, I'm suicidal and wrote my own suicide note this morning. Not sure if I am going to go through with it, I can't get everything needed for how I want it to go down.

I'm lying to myself to say that I am not. I don't want to be a stereotype or anything, but it looks like it's either suicide for me or bad self-mutilation which while keeping me alive with coping will just pro-long my suffering.

Not sure anymore, not sure if I am going through with suicide either.

edit: i apologize, I am not feeling well right now, just completely depressed, low energy, and sick of life. I don't know, I told a real life friend, seeing what he says back.

[IrmaJean]

Darkness, please call for help if you are in danger. Have your friend drive you to the hospital or call an emergency line. Not sure where you are from, but I hope that you will take steps to protect yourself if you are not safe. We don't want to lose you.

[Darkness]

LOL

What the hell will a hospital do? Commit me somewhere? You do know that in some parts of the world suicide is a medical option that people have a legal option to.

I ain't going nowhere, I am stuck at this one place. But you know what? Your concern amuses me. I ain't doing it on the fly any time soon. If I do I have a specific place and time in mind, I won't just do it. If it isn't just right, I won't bother, it won't be worth it then.

But who knows? I am wavering in and out of thinking I am really serious, and then that I was being dramatic, and back and forth with that.

I have suffered enough, maybe my time is coming, but I am not sure. Just something I think might be a good choice. It's all logically and rationally thought out, I don't have petty morals about ending my life getting in the way, or morals. I just think it is the most.. practical action to take at this time.

Sorry if this is getting too intense for anyone, I was starting on cutting and now suicide... way to go Darkness, ya, way to go to fit into the stereotypical cutter who is suicidal.

But you know what? I don't care I know I'm right when I say that most cutters are not suicidal and there isn't causation.

Anyway, even if I do do it, I have a few days left.

edit: I am saying this isn't some emergency, and calling anyone is pointless; I don't want to talk about it or w/e, I'm fucking serious, I am considering it if I can't get out of this rut.

[Darkness]

Damn can't get a hold of my friend.

If any mod feels so inclined you can move this into the appropriate forum if there is a more appropriate one now that I have moved onto suicide.

[mscat]

hummm , interesting thread. one that goes from self injury to suicide... Well in my opinion their is only a fine line between the 2. One is actually used as a coping method, to ware off those thoughts and despair. The other being a final forever, not able to go back , choice> Sigh.

Been there, to both places , not fun and very serious indeed. What can peple do to help? if someone has their mind made up then really who can help? thing is that it is posted here, a safe place to write about ones thoughts and feelings. BUt, when it turns to the finealiity of ending ones life then m yes, it is time to seek help from the professionals> Even the SI can become extremely serious when in the thought process of doing ones harm badly. Yep, been there, and Yep was very serious, and no I did not hint to anybody that I did not care if I ended up of the slab> Because then I knew their would be intervention, and that is not what i wanted happening. SO in constant deniel about the last severe Self injury , stayed in crticical care for a month m due to my own hands. YES, it did get carried away, Yes it HAS given me a lifetime full of ugly scars that are deep and not going to go away, yes left me without full movement in my hand, SO scarred up badly, and tatoo'ed to avoid the stares of my arms and questions of nosy people. Tattoos to look at in between the scarring.

Of course i think about Self injury a lot, and try to tell myself it will not be as bad as the other times. Of course I could of got a infection, had it before, made me ill. MRSA was the cuprit. Not fun stuff, none of it is.

Try and look into the future , GUYS. The future always can bring brightness out of darkness. No matter how old you all are, everybody has their future to look and see, look and see for the better. NO hastey decisions , life is short already, then to want to end it all. Ending it all can easily backfire, and then your left a perm vegetable, who wants that?

Things may look awful to you right now, but things change and flow. It would be a sad thing very sad to waste ones life away and taken by your own hands, their would always be the what if's left to wonder from your family .

Self injury to me, can and always lead to more worse things, been there, your not alone. nobody is ever completely . If you can't pull out of this state of mind, consider staying around a while for the sake of your future. You will be glad you did. Work through these thoughts with a professional that can help you gain more insight into your soul.

Unhappiness, sadness, is fleeting. With time and with the righ people helping you , you can have a decent life, then look back on this and then think, Oh my God, I nearly ended my life> Now my life is perfect, and I am happy. Would not it be a shme to throw it all away? on impulse and the desire to rid of oneself, will go away , and change, just as the tides flow. Don't make decisions that you can't take back later.

I've done a number to myself for years. I can understand, what this is like to be in the moment and really want to end it all, or severely harm> Done all these things, and still here and alive. Glad that I am too. Cause you can get stable, and at least stay upon this earth anther day , and breathe in the fresh air everyday. Not 7 feet under, gone. No turning back then. Just leave others sad, upset, and cry for you and your life and the what could of been. leave the burden to those who care and love you, not fair or right.

Get help , get back on your own two feet, stand tall once more and be grateful you did not make that one fatal mistake.

[Darkness]

I almost laughed, it's been 19 fucking years of hell, it ain't getting much better.

sexually molested by my brother, ya I'll get over that (sarcasm)

Physically abused by my same brother

betrayed, abandoned, and emotionally and psychologically abused for years by my alcoholic step dad

A mom who ignores me and wants me gone all the time

being a failure and fucking up school, not being able to get a diploma

fucking up my life majorly and leaving an old life behind painfully

having psychopathic sexual urges

Spitting in "god's" face, that fraud

Losing my faith

being betrayed too many times

being abandoned too many times

living miserable with bullying everywhere

my 'real' dad and his bible thumping on my 'sins' when my mom and step dad were getting divorced

and now learning of that oh so grand conspiracy

Ya, I don't have it that bad (sarcasm) and these life long scars ain't much either. I go every day now screaming at my family like I used too, scaring them or making them hate me and wanting me gone, everywhere I go I have self-destructive tendencies with my behavior when people start to leave me

It's the same fucking cycle and I am sick of it, it's high time I made my statement and blew my brains.

Is that reason enough? I'm still trying to get that friend, wonder what he will say. He's been there too and has at least once helped a suicidal person stop. Hell, why am I even here? Manifesto? Maybe I want talked out of it, IDK

im sorry, ill be back soon

[Darkness]

im sorry im so sorry

i dont know anymore, maybe i will just try a cut to hold me on, and stave off suicdal thoughts I cant help it anymore

FUCK SUICIDE

if cutting saves me, then by hell im doing it!

[IrmaJean]

No one here is trying to minimize your pain, Darkness. We are concerned and want to support you. Things can change for the better. I understand that you may not be able to see that right now. I hope that you will give yourself the chance to see it in the future. Do you have a therapist or any support at home? I understand that you are resistant, but I urge you to consider making that phone call and reaching out for help.