But why shouldn't I SI? heavy triggering

[Darkness]

Ya I'm sorry.

I got a hold of my friend and the idea of killing myself seems stupid.

I'm actually cutting myself atm, feeling good. I'm sorry but I don't have any other way of dealing with this, and I need to do something.

The way I told my friend is it is cutting or suicide, I can't take it and need either a temporary fix or a pernment one.

I think I was feeling suicidal because of the fear of starting again, but I'm over that fear and not feeling it anymore, I am not afraid to admit I WANT to cut myself, and it feels liberating and good. I do not feel suicidal anymore, I am facing what this is; and not avoiding it with death.

I'll be back soon.

[Athena]

Darkness,

Cutting is most definitely better than suicide. Just make sure you don't confuse the two. Keep it private or eventually you WILL get persecuted for it. Ask yourself what you get out of it - the sight of your own blood, the pain, something else? I found that it helped me not to stress out over it. Anxiety led me to do It, the last thing I needed was to get more anxiety BECAUSE I was doing it.

I think I am over it now. The last time was a couple days before a major anxiety attack that was unfortunately in public. Somebody saw the wounds on my hand and called the cops on me. THAT got my attention. And bad consequences. It's just not socially acceptable, no matter how much you explain to people that it is less physically damaging than other coping methods like alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, overeating etc. I've yet to find ANYBODY who agrees with me that it is a perfectly OK thing to do. THAT is the problem. Don't let the bullies find out - they'll eat you for breakfast.

[Darkness]

Well, as morbid as I am I was looking for something related to cutting, while I was cutting.

I found this girl's videos, mostly from 2007 that she uploaded that was about self injury. After two videos, I stopped dead. That was at a bit over 24 minutes. I normally cut for an hour plus easy.

edited out: too descriptive

I think her videos will help me actually, it is really so... insightful.

I have a link right here to her youtube page, she still makes videos about SI and other mental health issues.

http://www.youtube.com/user/xsullengirlx

EDIT: When I think about it, you know what I think it is more than anything? feeling god damn lonely.

I don't know if this has anything relevant, but does anyone ever feel that you can't feel truly not alone unless you are romantically with someone? I've never been but right now it eats at me when I think of it... I long for someone.

Damn, how did I get to this?

[Athena]

I don't know if this has anything relevant, but does anyone ever feel that you can't feel truly not alone unless you are romantically with someone? I've never been but right now it eats at me when I think of it... I long for someone.

I think we are wired for this. It is a big part of life. If it wasn't, the human race would die out rather quickly. Love is THE most powerful drug. When you are in love, SI will be the last thing on your mind. Be open to finding someone and you are more likely to find them. Don't put pressure on yourself, just be open to it and I think you will notice some subtle changes occur over time.

[danni]

Hi Darkness,

I just wanted you to know I edited out a couple of your more descriptive sentences. Too much detail can be especially triggering for some people and is against board policy.

I'm glad you decided against suicide. After reading about all that you've gone through in your short life, I can understand your need for an escape from such pain. Cutting is definately one way. I've done it too. Problem for me was, the relief didn't last long.

Have you thought about trying some less harmful approaches to dealing with your pain? What about a marker instead of a blade? Holding an ice cube in your hand until the feeling passes? What about therapy? What about meds? I saw in another thread that you tried depakote but had a bad physical response to it. What about trying something else? But even if you do. Meds alone won't take away all that pain you've suffered. You didn't deserve that and you do deserve to feel better. So, again, what about seeking out a trauma specialist?

I'm worried about you

[pseudome]

I’ve been peeking at this board all day. Couldn’t think of what to add because I’ve been a bit in the same boat. I’ve posted this a bit around the forums, but the summary of it is my uncle raped and molested me from the time I was 10 till I was 14. I’d never told anyone except my girlfriend. We were together more than three years when she left me almost two weeks ago. She left because she couldn’t deal with my problems anymore and told me not to contact her until I got better. The only real family I have is my dad, but he’s always been distant. My mom died when I was 5 and I don’t keep in contact with her side of the family (the uncle in question was her brother).

My chest is raw meat and I’m running out of room. I’m cutting on top of the cuts. I’ve spent today alternating between crying, cutting, falling into a blank void staring at the wall, wanting to die, wanting to fix things, wanting to die, wanting to fix things. I’m currently in fix things mode. I want her back so bad. Life was tolerably shitty when she left—she was what made it tolerable.

I’m going to keep rambling, unless I force myself back on track here…what was I trying to say…

The lonely thing—you talk about being lonely. I’m going to get to that…this may meander a bit…

What stops me from killing myself is the following: I don’t believe in any sort of deity or afterlife. So dying is really the end. If I killed myself, then I’ve just ended all I will ever get. So it always comes down to is it better to have shit life than nothing? If shit life is temporary and there is some chance of things getting better, then yeah. There’s no way of knowing if they will or not, and sometimes it feels like they’ve never been so there is no reason to start, but here’s another thing to consider. You’re 19—sometime in the nearish future you might maybe move out on your own and get away from your shitty family. Then the whole world is yours. You can start fresh and put that all behind…maybe…maybe not. But there’s potential there at least.

One thing I’ve noticed you mention when you talk about killing yourself is that you talk about having to do it right. Why is that? If I were to hazard a guess I’d say its because you don’t necessarily see it as simply an end. You have some other goal. Maybe something along the lines of getting back at people or some statement to make them recognize they should take you seriously. Maybe you feel like no one gets your pain and this is the only way to show them? You mentioned earlier about cutting instead of doing something to the kids bullying you, but wanting to kill yourself in a way that will disturb them. You feel trapped maybe? Like you have no other way of expressing yourself. You can yell at people all you want and nothing changes. I don’t know. Just throwing things out there. Maybe the question to ask yourself is do you view suicide as an end or do you see it as the only way to get people to listen or understand?

Now we’re back to loneliness (I told you I’d steer this back around). It doesn’t sound like you have anyone in your family that you are connecting with or who can understand your problems and that’s frustrating as hell. But you talk to this friend you mention over the phone and that helps—connecting and getting unlonely in some way helped. So maybe the trick is to figure out how to make connections with people. This may feel like an impossible thing, but it doesn’t mean that it is. When I met my girlfriend I had pretty much resigned myself to a shitty life of solitude. But then again, I just lost her again, so what do I know?

I suppose that’s all I have for now. Sorry if you read all that and still found it unhelpful.

[Leo1954]

Can you tell me I can't really understand because I tried 3 times about 5 yrs. ago.

It really can change you. Also it has been a coping method & I know you don't think of it as a body figurement but, there is a group down here at the hospital it' called the aftercare program. It did help me I don't remember how because probably it isn't about self- mutilation its like they might be able to make you talk but, you have the control of what you want to do with your body & they can't take that away from you.

Is there someone or anything that would make you in more control to change this way of dealing with the pain? I don,t care if it is an animal,place thing or concentrate on music [not depressing music!] favorite TV show go to a place that you like to relax at. Can you try it I'm not saying it's a miracle but it might slowly bit by bit halp some do you think maybe try it for a week? Like I had to sign a safe contract with my psych. at the time I was doing it because I had to have 56 staples in both arms,neck and legs. I really liked my psych. that I had from 1993 until 2008 I would still be seeing her but she retired.

I wanted to do it again after she left because in my mind I thought it would make her come back. Then I realized it would be pointless so I did make more ideas in my head to stop me from cutting.

NOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SIGN A SAFE CONTRACT WITH ME! I PROMISE & I MEAN PROMISE THAT I WILL TALK TO YOU ABOUT ANYTHING TO HELP YOU CHANGE TO ANOTHER COPING METHOD. IT WON'T BE EASY TO CHANGE FROM THIS BECAUSE IT CAN HAPPEN AT THIS MINUTE BECAUSE NOBODY CAN TAKE THIS CUTTING ON YOUR BODY BUT I WILL TRY TO HELP [KIDDING ABOUT THE CONTRACT] HEY IT STILL MAY MAKE YOU THINK WELL I DID SIGN THIS SO I HAVE TO CALL SOMEONE OR GET YOUR BUTTTT ON HERE AND TALK AND TALK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Darkness]

I actually found it really helpful. I hope again it comes out good for you.

I see it as a means, and not exactly an end. I am a 'soft' agnostic; I believe in an afterlife, so I think that I could live on possibly.

@ Danni, other methods do not work for me, I am against a wall right now, and I didn't think of the red marker this time, I do not know if it would of worked, it's too late now anyway, I already did it once today.

back @ pseudome, if you are cutting on top of raw cuts, I would really try the red marker idea or something else other than cutting on top of rawness. I can't even imagine the amount of physical pain from that.

EDIT:

@ Leo, you ninja'd my post while I was composing. Are you talking to me or Pseudome? I am confused.

[Darkness]

You do realize how trite and cliche' the ice cube is?

Sure, the cold is pain, but it isn't pain I am after, it is the sight of scars and blood.

So the red pen works, but only somewhat, and It has to be a pen and not a 'marker'.

No, nothing else does it for me other than pictures of the real thing (self mutilation, of which i am gathering a collection of)

Everyone has different reasons and motives for cutting, mine is blood and scars, not pain (though cutting sometimes can be somewhat euphoric when people are around and do not catch me)

[Leo1954]

Darkness it was me Leo

I'm sorry I was trying to help.!!!!!!!

I wasn't judging you for what you are doing I was just saying that I use to do it

I know we all have different reasons for what & why we do things.

I didn't mean no harm I was just thinking I don't know!!!!!!!!!!

[Darkness]

Are you okay? You sound really unfocused. I know it's you I can see your name on the previous post.

In other news, my arm hurts, and I feel more guilty than ever about cutting. I used to not feel as bad about it, or so I believe. Not as ashamed, but IDK now.

I have scars now on my arm now saying 'love'.

How nice (half-hearted sarcasm).

Maybe people will believe me if I say it was scarification lol.

[Athena]

Hi Darkness,

I was just wondering, has anybody answered your question yet, "Why shouldn't I SI?". And, I was also wondering, do YOU want to stop?

[pseudome]

In other news, my arm hurts, and I feel more guilty than ever about cutting. I used to not feel as bad about it, or so I believe. Not as ashamed, but IDK now.

I have scars now on my arm now saying 'love'.

How nice (half-hearted sarcasm).

Maybe people will believe me if I say it was scarification lol.

That's kind of where I am too. It's gotten ridiculous. I've managed not to do it last night. First night in awhile. The craving is there though, like an itching at my fingertips. What's stopping me isn't even some resolve that I shouldn't, but the fact that I'm such a mess at this point, I really need to heal before I can do it anymore.

It's killing me that this is probably the one thing that my girlfriend was most disturbed by. This is what she caught me doing again when she left. She said she wouldn't come back until I was better and ever since I kicked it into overdrive. Even if she does come back, there's no way she's not going to notice the million new scars.

This goes back to that earlier reason I gave you for not doing it--if you do find someone to be close with, you will be explaining this to them. If I can get over myself and get my girl back, I'm going to have to explain how my initial reaction to her ultimatum was massive backslide. For the rest of my life I can't take my shirt off around anyone unless I want to answer questions. Clearly this reason was sufficient for me to stop...(/sarcasm).

[Darkness]

Yes, someone has answered. The answer was that I'll regret it later down the road essentially is what was implied.

Do I want to stop? IDK, I just started again. I don't have any other option at this point to deal with stuff, nothing else is working for me.

[rubies]

Hi,

I think you shouldn’t do SI because causing pain leads to more pain in every case. You want to reduce your emotional pain by causing physical pain and you can think that it works because of the instant relief you feel. So we can say that it helps on the short term because you feel relieved, but ask yourself; did this solve anything? No, this action only covered something up. Pain covered up pain but everything is in the same place as it was before. As the feeling of relief passes emotional pain takes its place over again and feelings like shame and weakness can add an extra boost to it. Your pain is stronger now and if you try to reduce it by the same method it only keeps growing.

Hurting yourself will never lead to stronger self-respect, it will never allow you to build such important things in yourself like the appreciation of yourself and the fact that you survived so many painful things. You must respect yourself, you must love yourself and instead of hurting yourself I suggest you to look at all those painful things from the viewpoint of a survivor-which you are- and then try to realise that you can get over everything if you believe in yourself and look at things from the right angle. You can make those guys who bully you confused not just by suicide, you can make them confused by having a success in life. You don’t have to wait until the school years end to start a new life. Start doing something new. Try to express your feelings instead of escaping in pain.

I’m sorry if this post is just a long and boring collection of ideas you’ve already heard.

I did cutting between the ages of 12 and 15 and abandoned it because I realised that it’s not actually helping me and doesn’t actually lead anywhere. I was trying to express this discovery of mine to you because I wanted to help you. (I’ve got some pretty ugly scars too and the fear of someone discovering them will follows me through my life. I think that you don’t want this either. Scars can cause pain to others too when they look at them. For example a loved one can feel pain every time he sees them and you will not be able to change it. You are able not to make them now.)

[pseudome]

That's the trick right? Do you want to stop? If it's your only relief, then, well, you need relief so why would you want to stop what is offering relief? What would be nice is to be able to find suitable relief in some other way or to not have so much going on that this method of relief is neccessary.

So the goal isn't really ending the cutting--the cutting is a symptom of something else. That something else is what needs to stop...

[pseudome]

Adding to what I just said--

This is where I'm stuck and this sounds like where you're stuck too, Darkness. What do we do? How do we get away from what makes us feel like doing this? This is what I keep asking in various threads and the answer seems to be "find therapist. blabber to them and take medication. then magic happens" So today I'm researching themonline and tomorrow I'm making a phonecall...maybe... I'm not convinced, but I don't know what else to do so there ya go.

[Athena]

Adding to what I just said--

This is where I'm stuck and this sounds like where you're stuck too, Darkness. What do we do? How do we get away from what makes us feel like doing this? This is what I keep asking in various threads and the answer seems to be "find therapist. blabber to them and take medication. then magic happens" So today I'm researching themonline and tomorrow I'm making a phonecall...maybe... I'm not convinced, but I don't know what else to do so there ya go.

Yes, cutting is a symptom, you are absolutely right. And I think you can see that it does not help your mental state, in fact it may actually worsen it. Make sure the therapist knows that cutting does not equal "suicide attempt". Otherwise therapy can get off track (I know- been there, done that). I would advise not making cutting the issue. Don't hide it from them, just don't make it the central issue. Make the underlying problems the issue, that's what you need to get to the bottom of. If you don't like the idea of medication, say so - I have always been given the choice - talk or meds. I wanted to find somebody who integrates both, but never managed to find such a person. I went the talk route with mixed results. My current one is working. I have changed a lot in the last six months. The key - non-judgmental, encourages me to explain things in detail to get to the bottom of an issue, compassionate and completely accepting of everything I have to say.

I am finally over the cutting. If I get triggered about my ongoing crises, that is the worst time for me. Initially the anti-anxiety meds worked as an alternative to cutting. Now I am off them due to worries about me getting addicted to them. When I am triggered, I simply try to talk out my feelings with the person who triggered me. It has taken six months but I am capable of doing it now and coping OK. It's mostly about emotional regulation in the face of crises which aren't going away and over which I have no control. If I am triggered by a nasty e-mail or phone call, sometimes playing the piano or writing Lyrics/poetry helps. Yesterday and today I know that's what I'll be doing. Also, I had to go for a run this morning I was so agitated. It knocks that excess nervous energy out of my system.

At night, I allow myself one drink. I just sip it very slowly so I'm not tempted to have another. It helps me relax. I try not to do it every night though.

I wish you both the best. I feel like this thread is going in the right direction.

[mscat]

Well I don't cut, but do self injure. In the most horrific ways. I am a little scared to just simply SI , because when I do it takes off and I cannot seem to control it. very scary stuff. I have been on this board for several years now, so some people who have been on here for a while may already know what kinf od deep shit I was doing> I just end up getting more and more into it, and the worse it got. Very heavy duty , major stuff. Most do not take it to that extreme level as I have in the past. Thankfully.

I do get the ideas all the time to self harm , it is always there! It is a battle in my mind, and sometimes, it gets to the point where it is only a matter of time. Yes, I have Si'ed, on topof old Si scars, And yes I have become severely injured by hurting myself. Not just once but several times. Thing is the cutting does not do it for me> I seem to nee the more pain the better> somehow deserving it. A lot of times back then . I was unable to feel. It was a numbing feeling, so SI helped me feel alive. And at least took away some of the issues that kept swirling around in my head.

It did not stop me , even though I was in therapy, and on meds. I was hell bent on continuing. I am old too. This SI stuff is for the young , the younger ones do not do it so badly because even a little bit of SI freaks them out. Well the older one, the "pros" are the ones to be concerned with, we are the ones who do take it to the next level, and go way too far. WAY TOO FAR. and then it is a huge big deal and a serious problem. I just got tired of the same DR's and surgeons, nurses , having to see that I was back again . Some were ok, some or a couple were mean as hell. Watch me fall , did not care to help , one was inparticular mean . I told him off. Hopefully I won't go back to that horrible Severe SI again. Not reccomended for nobody . Even the easier , smaller SI , hurts like a SOB. BUt, i gravitate to it. I have to be so careful.

You know, I think getting hooked on drugs would be better then the type of SI I have done to myself. Don't know much about that, but hell, why do I want to torture myself so badly.

[pseudome]

i managed to find room...

[Darkness]

^

|

Wait, what?

[pseudome]

cut again last night. too many nightmares. couldn't deal

[pseudome]

to further clarify ( i guess that was pretty cryptic)--I found room for more cuts. My chest is messed up so I moved to my thighs.

[Darkness]

I wouldn't normally suggest this, but you might want to express to your doctor or somebody that can help you with this, that you need fairly immediate help if this gets any more out of hand.

Like I said, there are medications that can stop nightmares. Soldiers who have PTSD use them all the time after they retire.

[pseudome]

I made an appt to see a therapist, but the earliest slot they had open was may 11. I'm getting sick of this. I'm in quite a bit of physical pain from it at the moment. It always seems so stupid after the fact. It really needs to stop. I threw the razor in the trash, but maybe I need to get it out of the house.

I came on this site last night after the first nightmare and vented in my "nightmare" thread under urgent needs, but after the second nightmare I was just plain losing it too much.

Got new ideas to try tonight maybe. Maybe I'll try to pop on here again or something. I don't know. I'm trying...