Rising from the depths fo despair

[shanrucas]

Hi everyone, I know I have been MIA for quite awhile. Allan had sent a PM to me a while back asking how I was, thank you Allan for asking. I know I told you I would post, but I just now feel strong enough to do so. I just realized its been almost a year since I joined this forum. During that year I had recieved much support from members, some may still be here some have moved on, will always remember that. I choose to post here rather than in the bipolor section as my life is heading in a new direction.

After being in such depths of despair, depression, fear, and nearly giving up I have had an awakening of spirituality and self. I had isolated myself for so long that I could hardly function. I had pretty much hit rock bottom..caring for my mom has taken a lot out of me and I got lost in the dark. This didn't do her any favors..and I was beginning to realize that and new I had to change something..the only thing I could change is how I percieved this situation.

I attempted to get help from a local clinic..and that was a total failure..all they wanted to do is play around with my meds and discuss my past truama's..I know my past, I need to move forward not backwards..so I gave them up...a wonderful person from another state has volunteered to work with me a couple times a week teaching me meditation techniques, as well as relaxation..this is help more than anything and I am beginning to feel like the person I was before life beat me up. I have gotten in touch with nature again and loving every bit of it..I love to explore and I am finding ways to do that in the confines of this home. I have learned tools to protect myself from negative thoughts and negative outside influences. I feel renewed.

Don't get me wrong..things are still as tough as ever. Caregiving and medical costs have depleated everything, I am on food stamps now for the first time in my life..I had to sell many belongings, like my vintage fire engine and one of my beloved horses, I am having to let go of many things but yet find the will to survive..I may have nothing in the end, but I know that I am where I am suppose to be at this stage of my life..my focus is caring for my mother who has always supported me through everything, I am blessed to have such a wonderful, I have also found me again.

I have let go of fear, which was a biggy, as well as loneliness, dispair, depression...yes I still have moments when these negative emotions try to rule but I am finally better equiped to work through them and keep pushing on. I get stronger each day..I will keep going. I live for the moment and the present..the past and the future no longer rule over me.

I wish everyone the best in life. I hopefully will get strong enough to help others, for now I just need to help me and my mom.

At peace at last. Love to all.

[Guest GingerSnap]

Though I am not familiar with your situation, that was a beautiful and inspiring post.

[shanrucas]

Thank you Ginger, it is truly my mission in my life now to make it through the best I can for my mother and myself.

[danni]

Nice to see you back. Thanks for checking in. My heart goes out to you. You are doing sooooooooooo much and I admire your strength to get through all these hardships coming down on you.

Sorry you had to sell your horse. As a fellow horse owner, I know how hard this had to be. My horse is such a big part of keeping balance in my life that I couldn't imagine losing him!!

you're amazing!!

[shanrucas]

Its good to hear from you too danni, I hope llife has been treating you well..yeah it was hard enough to sell my girl, but I had to , trying to hang on the other three. To top it off, I got really shafted on the deal...and I lost so much money on her...she was purchased for $ 7,000 as a baby, long story there.. I sold her for $700 in payments, got $200 for her than this "friend" gave her to her boyfriend, which I wrote in the contract that if she every got rid of her I wanted to know, purchance to get her back...but know she says she doesn't owe me the rest..long long story, and I rather feel taken advantage of casue of my situations..I have so much to contend with at the moment, so my positive energy just went flying out the window tonight...I just don't have fight to fight this one, I have a bigger fight to advocate for my mom...kinda tired today, and my faith has taken a beating..but tomorrow will me a new day. I will rise and do what I must. I just feel so stupid for being taken advantage of when I am in a low point in my life....I need to stay away from people like this.

I am so glad to hear from you. Peace and love to you.

[shanrucas]

Still having my doubts and struggles..and times where I fall off my path and trouble following this journey..but I am here to say that I have not gone away. I am here and I am alive. Its about to turn to winter one of the toughest seasons to get through...I no longer identify myself as a person with bipolor disorder or PTSD. For me its just who I am and what I have lived through to get where I am today..My situation still hasn't changed much..Mom is still going strong and I must keep myself strong and take care of myself to keep going..in fact I am more house bound with her do to continuing financial issues..but since I have truly opened my heart up to my spiritually I find this no longer matters..continueing to sell all that I have peice by piece and I no longer care. I will be free from it all. The burden in lightened each time I let something go..whether is material or old traumas..I have truly come to terms with the things of the past. They will alway be ther with me as reminders of things that I have survived and learned. The hurts hurt less and less.

I spend my time appriciating all the beauty there is still in this world, since venturing on this path..I have been surrounded by love from so many from so many places. Its truly a new life. What happens happens..I know I can continue on.

I did have my moment of doubts a couple of days ago..but it was within me and I brought it on to myself..realizing it I got right back on task to venture forward on this new life. I still feel heartbroken from lost friends and family, but I cannot be condemned for what others have suffered at the hands of another. I am me, I am the person I was once was before life beat me up..I am one with nature again..I know I said this before..but I just want to let those know when the time comes and you realize its time to move and make a life that moves forward it will happen. Its a spectacular journey..I still fall, but I can pick myself up and carry on..I post this as a offer of hope, hope that there is still peace and love out there..but first it has to start within inside yourself..if you can't love yourself for who you are..love won't come to you..this I have recently learned.

I am still learning, and its still a work in process..THERE IS HOPE!! bipolor or not..I am me..and starting to love life again..I am freedom, I am peace, I am love.

Love to all..Shannon