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A bad couple of days *trigger*


Athena

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The past couple of days I've been getting triggered by the smallest things and they turn into the biggest things. I'm getting that familiar need to take immediate drastic action.

But I feel like I have my hands tied behind my back. Part of me just wants to get my freedom, see if that makes a difference, part of me can't wait. But I won't get my freedom if I cross the bloody line. Too much at stake.

So an image popped into my mind of glass partly cracking and blood seeping out from behind the cracks. I so wanted to create that on my stomach with something more gratifying than a pen but my hands are tied - I can't I can't I can't. So I took out a red pen and just used that. Not as good. But it was something. Better than nothing. I've heard of people doing stuff like that to kick the habit, I really didn't think that would help at all. But I could imagine getting pretty damn creative and producing an image that is FAR FAR more gruesome than what I would in reality do to myself in blood. Perhaps have a beast crawling out. Or a pathetic creature. Or the part of my brain that holds the tormenting memories. So perhaps that's a way out. I don't know. Why do people get tattoos?

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Tattoos are not a form of self injury . People who have them want it to have special meaning to them that they can have forever. For me I think of Tattoos as a form of art. So yes, i have tats , and more then a few.

Back to your post, I have heard of women doing that with a red pen to fight off actually cutting. It must work for some , because it is suggested to do that instead of SI. you did good , have not cut despite the urges. I know how hard it can be not to , but i think you feel better and a little stronger each time you do not give in.

i have been a heavy self harmer in the past, but have not done so in a while. I still get the powerful urdes to do so like tonight. This has not happened in a while but it does at least a couple times a month. Stay strong , and keep trying. Your doing good .

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Thanks, Mscat - I know you've been through far worse then me.

I always find there's a reason to stop - the next day. Totally forgot I had a mammogram. Had to strip from the waist up. That would have been a disaster. As it was, the red marks had faded enough after my shower not to raise eyebrows. If they had noticed, i had a story ready. But cuts are unmistakable. Can't even fool your kids. Which is awful because mine are girls and after a couple of days I forget what I did and one of them inevitably spies it when I'm changing because I forgot to hide it. Then the whole custody threat comes up again.

I don't even think what I do is that bad. I don't really have any reason to stop, other than my kids and custody threats. I'm such a hypocrite - telling others who SI all the reasons to stop when in fact I don't even think it should be considered such a horrible thing. When I think of what alcohol, overeating, junk food, nicotine, drugs (OTC, prescription and narcotics) and inactivity do to people, I think they are harming themselves far far more than I am. I might even venture to say it is the far more intelligent addiction. It is society that doesn't like it. They are quite fine with alcoholics and drug addicts (hey, did you hear, up in Canada taxpayers are now funding free heroin for heroin addicts in BC - woo hoo - another reason not to bother going back to work and paying taxes:eek:) We also give smokers free lung surgery and drinkers free liver transplants and self induced diabetics free drugs. What's a couple of stitches gonna cost the taxpayer? Big freakin deal! I'd say society has a screw loose, not me:rolleyes:!

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you are so right , Athena . Their are many, many self destructive behaviors people engage in they seem to be acceptable in todays society. Then most people freak out about SI. They don't understand. Iuse to think that SI was ok because i was hurting myself nobody else. I was always trying to justify my behaviors .BUt that was giving me a excuse to continue , and kept going further and further into it causing more and more damage to my body, it got out of control even though I thought I was under perfect control. I am left with severe scars that do not even look like SI , if someome asks it was easy to deny self harm. I have to be careful to this day , because i can be easily triggered.

Since your girls are young authorites try to make it a big deal. I have been in bad situations before because I am a parent and harmed myself severely. CPS breathing down my back , and they are certainly not the kinf of people who will understand, instead i was left with threats and humilated. Now my son is 18, so I think it is better .

i have not self harmed for a long while but it was only yesterday that I wanted to . Famly troubles, BIG time. But I am hanging in there , I hope you are too.

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Thanks for asking, Athena

My son is now going to a new program , it is for adults 18-22 years old. He can be in school until age 22 due to his disabilites. He is now gone longer during the days. We live in a small rual town so he has to ride a bus to go to the closest city that offers these kind of services. no, he will stay with me as long as he wants to. I only have one kid and I am not married so I am in no hurry leaving him anywhere.

It is my brothers family that have been giving me so much grief. It has been really hard days. I hate all the drama from them , but want a relationship with my brother at the same time. Are you doing better fighting off the urges to Self harm? I hope you are ok .

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It sounds like a good arrangement with your son. Hopefully you can start to do a few more things for yourself now. Sorry about your brother's family. I hope you can find a way to just be with him one on one. Why others can't simply be polite, civilized adults is beyond me. But I understand your problem. My ex was/is intolerable. He didn't even realize he was being rude and insulting people constantly - just a complete lack of empathy.

SI urges have gone for now. I think it will be an OK day.

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I got a insurance settlement the beggining of this month from getting hit by a car over 20 years ago. My brother knew about it. He had his wife try and get money off me, and had the big story to tell. I know that they would not be able to pay me back , and i need the money for moving expenses .So I said no. My son and I wer egetting help from the state for in home support services. My brothers wife is suppose to be helping every month, well that was not happening for a very long time, they were getting paid for doing nothing. That blew up in their faces though. And I quit the program. They still might get evicted , for lack of payment. So everything came down all at once for them. It is not my fault. They lost their money , because I had a share of cost and was not going to pay them for doing nothing. And I was not going to let them "borrow" any money cause i know they would never be ablt to pay it back.My brother started acting weird though , like saying have a nice life , hangs up on me , then last night he calls sounds depressed and all , then says something odd, tells me to always remember me. It scared me . He never talks like that .Anyway I feel bad that i could not help them . But I can't let them have any money of my own either , i am not their personal bank.

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Why do people ask for money from family and friends? A sure-fire way to lose them. In my experience, it never works out for the borrower or the lender. The borrower never pays back nor returns the favour. They usually avoid the lender out of guilt or fear of being asked for the money back. And the borrower never learns to stand on their own two feet. OK if you're made of money, but most people aren't in that boat.

Good for you standing your ground. He will ultimately learn to respect you because you are respecting yourself. For now however, it appears he is trying to lay the guilt trip on you by implying he may do something to himself if you don't give him money. Classic child-like behaviour. My ex tried that on me, along with a bunch of other tricks. Having lived off me for 5 years, I wasn't about to let that continue. He is now appreciating the value of a job.

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I am glad you got you ex straightend out . My brother was in a fabulous mood tonight. He has found a few houses for rent, so maybe they can move out before they are evicted .now, I never mess around with the rent, that is always paid every month in a timely matter, for my brother his wife handles the finances, not paying rent , what so they think will happen? Then try to trick me for a large amount of money? :( OMG sister in law was do sugary sweet the day she hit me up for money, it pissed me off so much. then she was not helping me and my son and was getting paid for it, well that ended too. It was not a good week for htem, but i'll be damned, they came to me after being irresponsible, their is no way I would ever see the ,money again if I had let them. I need the money to move . I come from a well to do family , and they vary rarely let me borrow money, but that is ok, I don't need it, Raised my kid on my own and somehow made it. You are correct it never works to borrow money from family, i know my brother too well to know he could never pay me back .I should add this is not the first time they have tried to do this to me, I got backpay from social security four years ago but my father warned me about Tim, and sure enough he was about to , but I stopped him then he got made at my dad. LOL , he's a real pieace of work. on my Birthday I he came with us, and i got to pay for his meal and his cell phone bill , fun huh :eek: I got to stop this , and slowly coming to my senses.

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You are a trooper. You seem to have figured a lot out. And yet...

You are here, on this site. What stands between you and happiness?

Their is a lot of me that is very flawed . All my life I've lived with this nagging feeling that I am different, not good enough, strange, ugly, fat, hideous, disconnected. That needs punishment , because of all the horrible thoughts and angry emotions. It is a struggle to go out the door , it is a struggle to see people , I resent having to go out and do regular things, like getting food , because then I am out of my protective shell and vulnerable. I think i need to be isloated and it to be dark, and quiet becasue if not life is too overwhelming . I can be very moody and things seem to move at 100 miles an hour , so I then feel numb and go through the emotions of getting things done, even talking is a struggle , then I get pissed off , thinking that it is all forced and it never feels good to be forced. I do not like all the drama and hectic lifestyle my brother lives, although I love him I cannot be around him much becasue he is a user and very loud. I try to sleep as long as possible just so I don't have to face anther day , some days are dreadful, trapped in my own mind with the demons and blackness. It takes a powerful amount of energy just to do simple things , like take a shower brush out my log hair , and not hide in my shell . my kid is all grown up now, thank god, Problem is he is gone too much , so their is this dread, and uncomfortable silence that occurs. Things are not great but I can go on the internet and focus on that , drink my coffee and listen to the silence.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi mscat,

I am so very sorry that you have such terrible thoughts and feelings about yourself. I know, for certain, that these self beliefs are not realistic, they are what you think but are not reality. I can guess that you don't believe me. What happened to cause you to feel such awful things about yourself?

Allan

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Hi mscat,

I am so very sorry that you have such terrible thoughts and feelings about yourself. I know, for certain, that these self beliefs are not realistic, they are what you think but are not reality. I can guess that you don't believe me. What happened to cause you to feel such awful things about yourself?

Allan

It is nothing new though , been there for years , I think even as a child. Had a overbearing, controling , abusive foster mother, that set the stage , could do nothing right ever, and always knew I did not fit in their family , their were lots of fights, from there it just got worse. I remember at 16 I thought things would be betterif I lost weight, well that startd a ED, and i learned how to self harm , I know i brought it on all on my own , most place like work or when their are groups of people it is difficult , no one ever liked me much or just neve fit in really nowhere, so of course I think their is something wrong or flawed about me, not everyone can be wrong. i was always told my biological father was extremely violent and bad, i figured that is me as well , I don't think that anymore much , but their is always this nagging feeling everyone is wanting to hurt me all the time, so I will go numb and through the motions of doing things , Some days I can be numb for a very longtime , weeks . So I just retreat. Retreat into my own self and block out everything else. If things get really bad and their is a lot of drama , I end up SElf harming but even that is not so good anymore sense I took that to the extreme lots of things I take to the extreme, or don't do it at all. I ought to mention aihave been in therapy off and on since 3 years old . lots of abuse and separation and more bad things going on , but now it is still just my kid and I , he is now 18 . And yes, he's disable dso I sometimes thik it is my fault for that. If only I did this or if only that happened he would not be like that, and so on. Instrestinly enough this has been one of my more stable times , yet their are all those other things ..

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Mscat,

That sucks that therapy doesn't seem to have helped much (or did it?) Difficult kids can take up your entire world - no time for yourself, no time for others outside your kid. Do you think maybe it's worth trying again? You are a different person than you were. You can put an adult spin on things now. Today my therapist was trying to get me to see that I was globalizing my recent horrible marriage to extend to all marriages. (Although the stats on divorce are unfortunately proving me more right than him:(). Anyway, I keep fighting him on this. I keep coming up with example after example of women who are working to exhaustion with kids and jobs while their hubbies go have fun the second they stop work (if they work at all) and on weekends. It's not all the guys' fault - society and 'martha stewart' women as I call them are all creating these insane expectations for working mothers. And the guys are only too happy to oblige. Why share the workload when you can stop at 8 hours and let your wife work 14? Anyway, I digress...

My point is that even though it is UNLIKELY that equality exists in marriages in today's North American society, the POSSIBILITY exists. And it is that possibility that I must focus on. Because the alternative simply takes me to that unchanging, uncontrollable, hopeless, sickening, soul destroying, exhausting, lonely, dead place. I continue therapy because apparently I still have a shred of hope that I can surround myself with decent, moral, giving people and, since relationships are probably responsible for most of my emotional problems, I figure that will go a long way to getting me out of my own personal hell. (I have had a couple of 3 year periods of relative stability, outside of that I've been in major depression since age 6 - mostly due to almost complete social isolation outside of my immediate family, who were very judgemental so I wasn't comfortable around them either).

I suppose my other point is...What have you got to lose? Is the status quo acceptable to you?

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i've never been married and when I see conflicts arise between husband and wife, I am grateful to be single. I use to work full time though and would come home and take care of my disabled child he was small back then. And I was a lot younger too. If i had to do it all over again at my age I do not think I could handle it.

therapy does help me. I have seen the same therapist for several years , it took a long time to to be able to trust , but now it is a lot easier, I do not talk to anyone else about things , other then posting here. I like the fact nobody really knows me so it is easier for me .

My brother left a nasty voicemail last night , blaming me for his crap. It is not my fault his wife dies not handle their bills right nor is it my fault that they are going to be evicted. Same brother who tried to get me to allow them to borrow a significant amount of money. I think they are so stupid , and it angers me that he wants to blame me. Not my fault they did not pay their rent. I am on a program to help with housekeeping and they were getting paid, paid for not helping me at all byt the state. Well i put a stop to it . They got pissy , and now i am their scape goat. Personal Responsibility is some thing they will not admit to, Oddly, I had this reaction to self harm , like it is all my fault for their problems. It was a sudden urge to SI , but then I came to my senses . And now angry . Not my fault , that they messed things up for themselves , why do I feel bad for them? And why do I want to punish me? Right now I am so mad at them , I cannot wait to move and get away from them. my brother can be such a asshole. I guess that is not going to change . not until he Man's up. Stop acting like such a pussy . :mad: i really do need to surround myself with good decent people too, that would help to see the good in people , not always the bad .

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Not my fault , that they messed things up for themselves , why do I feel bad for them? And why do I want to punish me? Right now I am so mad at them , I cannot wait to move and get away from them. my brother can be such a asshole. I guess that is not going to change . not until he Man's up. Stop acting like such a pussy . :mad: i really do need to surround myself with good decent people too, that would help to see the good in people , not always the bad .
I think you feel bad because you are decent person and you feel sorry for them, at least for your brother. Part of you wants to help them out but you know that it's just not going to do them any good in the long run. It would just enable his poor choices. 'Tough love' never feels good, especially when you get the guilt trip laid on thick by the other party. Hang in there, and yes, go find some decent people to hang out with.

Oh, and I'm glad you have a therapist you like. I hope he can help you enjoy life as it should be enjoyed.

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Thanks Athena. The thing is if I did give them the money I would never see it again. I cannot do that, because we need it to move. My brother has not called me since Wednesday , that is unusal . I hate the fact that they want to blame me for their problems. This makes me want to move even faster and not tell them where were going. i keep thinking what low life's they are , and how they are such losers. I guess it is better for my brother not to call. I know they are talking bad about me, and using me as their scape goat. I'd love to tell them to take personal responsibility. It is more lonely now . He use to call me everyday a few times a day. Maybe it will take time. I get lonely when my son is gone .It is all too easy to want to self harm , but I go on the computor to distract myself.

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Good for you, avoiding the SI. Unfortunately loneliness can cause us to want to be around people who treat us badly - because it still seems preferable to total isolation. Maybe if you could just find one friend who treats you well, you could wean yourself off your brother.

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My brother, he needs me more then I need him. When he is upset or needs to vent he always comes to me. It is an enormous burden at times. If i do not answer my phone he gets mean. i love my brother very much but our relationship is not equal. He did apolgise to me, and still calls me regulary. I listen to him and try to offer advice . I do not go to him for emotional support, I don't want everyone knowing my business. He is married and I know anything I say to him will go straight to his wife, who I do not like much.

I am alone most of the days without my son. i'll tuen on the tv just for the noise. It is hard to get up in the mornings/afternoons because I know i am alone, with nobody. But, my dogs help me. Sometimes the dogs are a lot better then human relationships . Some days it is so difficult just to function. When that happens I feel like i am barely hanging in there, yet I do , because of my son. He needs me to be there for him, otherwise nobody will.

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