I can't believe I'm writing this

[flander]

A little background: My dating success over the past few years has been rather abysmal. I've had a couple blind dates that didn't go over well and it seemed they were there mainly for the free meal. I think the last kiss that I got was just a quick peck on the lips in 2006.

So my boss tells me that we're going to have a visitor from one of our overseas departments and wanted volunteers to take M to dinner a night or two. That's usually not a big deal, we possibly hit some local touristy things, get something to eat, drop them back off at their hotel, and then submit the dinner bill in an expense report. I don't have anything better to do, so what the hell. M had been here before, but I don't think I had ever met her. I go to my boss' office to talk to him about something and M is there. She asks who I am, I tell her, she gets a big smile on her face, runs up, and gives me a hug (the women in that department like to hug for some reason...and nobody really cares why). That startles me bit at first, but that's ok.

So after work we hit one of the local sites with a few other people from work, go to dinner, and I walk her to her hotel. The people in our departments consider us both to be quiet, shy, introverted/reserved/whatever, so our personalities are very similar. As we talked, it was obvious that we got along like a house on fire. At one point, I had my arm around her to help keep her balance. Before we know it, it's well past midnight, she gives me a hug goodbye, she goes up to her room, and I go home. Over the next couple days, she brings me along for lunch, and sits next to me in meetings. On the last night, we do the same sort of thing as we did the other night. This time she mentions that she wanted to call me after one of the other guys had dropped her off at 7pm, but went to sleep because she was tired from being out so late with me the night before. We talk about lots of different topics. At one point she asks why I hadn't been seeing anyone and if there was anyone at my office that I liked. I said I didn't want personal life interfering with work (rumors, gossip, etc.. SPS forum readers know what I'm referring to), there are very few women - specifically single women - at this office, and our HR dept has a hair trigger for firing people over "uncomfortable workplace" complaints. We move on to other topics and before we know it, it is past 3am and we're still sitting in the lobby talking. She hugs me good bye again, and in a few short hours, I'm back to take her to the airport. I give her another hug and say goodbye (thanks TSA for ruining the ability to sit with people at the gate). Over the weekend we exchange a few emails to continue the conversation about the things we talked about.

By now some are people are probably thinking "It sounds like she's interested in you, but you do nothing but talk. WTF?" True. I'm attracted to her and she ticks ever box on my checklist: compatible personalities, smart, funny, sweet voice, pretty, killer body, even thinks I'm handsome, etc. But, she's married. Other people who know her said that he's a bit of a jerk and she said it's a love-less marriage where she stays out duty to her kid. So, I was a gentleman and didn't try to do anything more than talk, even though the temptation was there.

But I can't get her out of my bloody mind. Apparently the feeling is mutual and she hasn't been sleeping because she's been thinking about me. Yesterday, she IM'ed me hinting around that she had been thinking about asking me something on Friday, but couldn't say what. On a phone call, she mentioned that when I hugged her goodnight, she really wanted to kiss me, but was too chicken to ask (remember the we're both shy part?). Today, she mentioned that she was up all night again thinking about when our faces were close and we could have kissed. She also mentions that when she got into the elevator, she didn't turn around because she was afraid if I was still in sight, she would have stopped the elevator and asked me back to her room. Now, I'm not the brightest bulb in the world when it comes to women, but I'm pretty sure that she's falling for me and vice versa.

She's married, has a kid, is a citizen of another country, and yet I still want her. W T F!!!!!!! It's gone from relationship desert to bat-shit crazy in less than a week and I need to figure out a way to cool things down, but not piss her off or break her heart. Why can't I just be like other guys and meet single women that live here?

Edited January 19, 2012 by flander
typos

[IrmaJean]

I'm glad that you are opening up to life's potential, flander. I'm not sure what to say to offer you support, but I did want to say something. She may not be willing to leave her husband and this is something to keep in mind. I hope that you will be careful. Take care.

[flander]

well what happens will depend entirely on what she ends up deciding to do. If nothing happens, it will be chalked up to just another odd experience and hopefully we'll just be friends.

[JaiJai]

There are plenty of M's in the sea. Why not avail yourself to opportunities to meet more nice people where you are?

[malign]

Can you "chalk it up", now, no matter what happens later, as a counter-example for all the negative stuff you usually think about yourself?

After all, whatever you and she decide, in this relationship, it has proved that women are attracted to you. That could be something you take with you, into the rest of your life.

[flander]

There are plenty of M's in the sea. Why not avail yourself to opportunities to meet more nice people where you are?

I'd like to, but I have no idea where or how to meet them

Can you "chalk it up", now, no matter what happens later, as a counter-example for all the negative stuff you usually think about yourself?

After all, whatever you and she decide, in this relationship, it has proved that women are attracted to you. That could be something you take with you, into the rest of your life.

true. or at least that I can win over a captive audience.

Edited January 21, 2012 by flander

[Athena]

Can you "chalk it up", now, no matter what happens later, as a counter-example for all the negative stuff you usually think about yourself?

After all, whatever you and she decide, in this relationship, it has proved that women are attracted to you. That could be something you take with you, into the rest of your life.

I wholeheartedly agree. Happy for you Flander (not that she's married, but that she DIGs you:))

[flander]

I wholeheartedly agree. Happy for you Flander (not that she's married, but that she DIGs you:))

yeah, wish she was single. It was strange read that she spent her anniversary night not sleeping because she was thinking of me. Her husband had forgotten again, but she said they haven't celebrated it in years.

[Kayla]

I actually have a friend who went through almost the exact same thing. The woman came to visit a friend that she was close with, they all ended up going on a few outings together, and my friend, and the foreign girl really hit it off. She was married, but was on the verge of divorcing her husband because he was verbally abusive towards her. She didn't have any children, but her whole family lived in another country. My friend and her still talk, and exchange e-mails every week or so. They remain good friends, but know that a relationship is not going to happen... anytime soon at least. It just won't work for them.

BUT... In your situation, I would most definitely stray away from forming any other romantic feelings for this girl. It's probably not going to be worth it in the end. Like you said, she's married, has a kid, and is a citizen of another country. I know when you make a connection like that with someone, (especially in the dating predicament you've been in) it's hard to let go of what you've found.

Have you ever tried a dating website? Since you're shy, and a little more introverted, maybe it would help you to just talk and get to know a person on the internet before actually having to go through the awkward motions of a blind date.

[flander]

BUT... In your situation, I would most definitely stray away from forming any other romantic feelings for this girl. It's probably not going to be worth it in the end. Like you said, she's married, has a kid, and is a citizen of another country. I know when you make a connection like that with someone, (especially in the dating predicament you've been in) it's hard to let go of what you've found.

We occupy each others thoughts just about every waking moment, so that's going to be difficult.

Have you ever tried a dating website? Since you're shy, and a little more introverted, maybe it would help you to just talk and get to know a person on the internet before actually having to go through the awkward motions of a blind date.

dating websites have been a complete waste of time and money.

[flander]

We occupy each others thoughts just about every waking moment, so that's going to be difficult.

we're even waking up at the same time at night with each other on our minds. She has also said that she puts more effort into everything she does because someone actually cares about her now. People say she's in a good mood all the time now too. My voice make her weak in the knees and her's sounds like an angel. We're in love and it stinks that she's so far away.

[flander]

it isn't going to work out and we just have to be friends.

[malign]

Sometimes relationships don't work out. But at least you now know that they're possible ...

[flander]

it just makes me wonder how long until the next one. Before this one it was 11 years. Before that, almost 6 years.

[malign]

So, maybe the next one will be six months?

I'm not saying there's any reason to believe it will be that soon; I'm just saying there's no reason to believe it would have to be years, either.

In fact, maybe you've learned some stuff that will make the next relationship easier to find. Who knows?

[flander]

No, I'm just as invisible and get ignored by local women as before. It seems like the best course of action is to wait until he leaves or dies. Someone told me that it's unusual for men to wait on a woman like that. I guess they figure that most guys don't have much of a problem meeting women either. :/

[malign]

You're certainly entitled to treat it as "there's only one fish in the sea."

Or maybe it's worth working on making it less of a problem meeting women. At least for something to do while you're waiting.

[flander]

Or maybe it's worth working on making it less of a problem meeting women. At least for something to do while you're waiting.

I may just as well cure cancer in my spare time while I'm at it too.

[xshutterbugx]

Flander: You are not alone. Please don't give up hope. You will find the one for you. Its hard to let go of someone who is in love with someone else. But its the right thing to do. My situation feels a lot like yours. We just need to tell ourselves its for the best.