Jump to content
Mental Support Community

Scared


Solstice

Recommended Posts

Outside of my job, though, I see myself as not competent -- just scared and weak and confused. . .

At the risk of overdrama -- that sounds like a little girl whose mother doesn't love her very much. . .

I posted something ("Hope?") recently in the "Recommended" section which -- if it actually could work, if we could learn to love ourselves, just by ourselves and the help of a beloved teddy bear -- that would be great. Maybe some people have. But I couldn't. I needed my in-person support group. And an older woman whom I talked to once a day usually for several years. It re-ignited my attachment system, maybe. I felt accepted and loved, sort of. I "separated" from the attachment several years ago but we are still friends. So that has been a substitute for a family that does/can not love me and feeling OK has kind of gotten internalized -- but I needed my ability to feel rejected back, too, because that is a part of ME. It's been incredibly hard --but feeling rejected doesn't equate today to rejecting myself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So, I’m back with some thoughts. Mostly about myself. My experience and also reasons of the self-hate were different from DD’s or Mark’s, so maybe that could be a complementary view, possibly also for some inspiration.

I didn’t have any idea why I hated myself during around the half of my life and was so suicidal almost 13 years. (In your case, the primary reason is rather obvious – the treatment by your mother. My relatives have not been abusive and I hadn’t experienced any trauma, so I had no clue why – the only thing I could see was: “I’m just so bad that I have to hate myself” and later (after some therapy) that “My character is so strange that I developed this self-hate without any serious reason”.) So you can imagine that I waited for the “aha moment”, I was seeking for “the ultimate answer”. But I can say (even knowing that my therapy was successful) that it didn’t come – not in the form I had imagined it. But I had several “small” “aha moments” – not about “the main reason”, but about several important issues. (But the understanding also often came slowly, in small steps, not as an abrupt change that could be called “aha moment”!) For instance, I realized that there are things in me, that I had always considered as unchangeable, that can be changed! My therapist told me: “We’re not gonna change your character.” So I was perplexed: “I also suppose my character is unchangeable, but - how can I get better without changing my character??!” That was because I had always seen many things in me as a part of my character, but in fact, it was only some... “additional junk”, so to say. I supposed “this is me, these are my fears and this is what I hate and can’t stand – it cannot be changed”. But when I realized, thanks to therapy, the reasons of this “junk” – why it was there – then I understood that it’s not “me” and I can decide “not to have this in me anymore”. I don’t say that the process of getting rid of it was simple! Not at all! What was helpful in the process? Many factors, of course. I’m even unable to list them all! But I want to mention at least one.

In general, many therapies often work with the “here and now” and many therapists say that this is essential – to focus on the present situation in therapy, the feelings and needs – to experience them fully and then analyze their reasons and possibly also correct the wrong expectances of the patient and/or propose alternatives. I know, this sounds very theoretical – but of course, as every therapy is different!

For me, one of the things that I realized after some months was that I was unable to express and even feel real feelings when being with my therapist. I became frustrated because I knew that strong feelings always accompany big changes and important situations. So I felt like without perspective for such experience. This frustration was important, I began to analyze why I can’t feel anything (even though I had always very strong feelings before the sessions and when I remembered any session!). And then, more importantly, I began to fantasize about situations which could bring strong emotions. And, of course, those were related to revelations of issues my therapist didn’t yet know because I didn’t want to talk about them. I also analyzed the reasons why I didn’t want to talk about it (but this became clearer only later). The key factor was that I was unable to accept them, it felt so inadequate to me, ... Generally, people are scared that they’d be refused, unaccepted, criticized, ... by the therapist. This was not my main fear: I was scared mostly because I was so non-accepting myself that I couldn’t even talk about it – I was scared of the pain of doing it – and so on.

And it worked: After few more months, I told him the first and “worst” “revelation”, I went through the feelings (I became able “to feel again” being with him!), ... and he was with me and behaved in the right therapeutic way, so... Then, quite many other situations of this kind happened and the most powerful factor I remember is that he was with me, listening and “accepting” and saying that nothing of it was inadequate or unacceptable, ... and I felt he cared and liked me also with everything I had said to him – he was showing me that it’s possible to look at me and my issues also in other way that I used to and this was very inspirational.

I’m sorry I don’t say any details, but that would be a book ;-P! Moreover, I don’t think they are important here...

In your case, I imagine that you would need to experience (not only once) during therapy sessions the kind of emotions that make you feel like cutting and those that are related to your inability to “embrace” your difficult past and making it stop hurting.

It seems to me that by “depths of your mind” which you’d like to explore, you mean some unknown information that would miraculously make “everything clear” – but I suppose that it may be also just the “simple” experience of strong and genuine emotions – fully shared with another human being – the therapist. It seems that you only talk about how bad you are and how you cut and are scared of not being able to stop. Talking is fine, but not enough. Or better: you should find stuff which when you’ll be talking about will cause very strong emotions in you. Those you hide behind your “being OK” mask.

Some prerequisite questions: Why the mask is here: what are you hiding – from who and why?

Did you already tried to identify the unacceptable in you? And showing it, expose yourself with everything that you’ve been always trying to hide?

I don’t know, but maybe that could be a way... Yes, it makes you feel worse for some time, but already the facts that “you’ve been able to do it!!!” and “the therapist was with you and didn’t reject you” can soon make you feel better. Or, at least, it did work for me and many others (as far as I know).

How are you these days?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

LaLa, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I could certainly relate to a lot of what you wrote -- particularly your experience of being unable to express/feel real feelings when with your therapist. I feel very much the same way. I think the bottom line is I don't feel "safe" with her. For me, it's a combination of being afraid that she won't "accept" me and the things that you wrote about...the fact that I don't accept myself, and I'm scared of letting this pain out. I just feel I can't/shouldn't/don't want to open up to her, to show her the lonely little girl that no one ever wanted or accepted that's hiding behind my mask of "OK." Because that little girl is angry and frightened and hateful and resentful. I don't like her, so I don't want to show her to anyone else...I will try talking to her about this today. See where that takes us.

As to how I am doing -- I'm just down right now. A combination of lack of sleep, too much work, so much stuff in my personal life that seems to be falling apart. I have a strong urge to just curl up and cry, but I'm here at work and have to keep going. Anyway, I hope all is well with you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Solstice, if the little girl were any other little girl besides yourself, would you feel the same way about her? I understand it's very hard, but I hope you can listen to those parts of you and offer yourself compassion.

It's good to be open with your therapist. I think many of us can relate to these types of feelings. Maybe it will take more time to feel safe in therapy and to trust your therapist?

Do you have any outlets that bring you joy, something to give you a break from the stress?

Take care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So, how was your therapy yesterday???

I see this realization as very important:

I just feel I can't/shouldn't/don't want to open up to her, to show her the lonely little girl that no one ever wanted or accepted that's hiding behind my mask of "OK." Because that little girl is angry and frightened and hateful and resentful. I don't like her, so I don't want to show her to anyone else...

It's OK not showing her to others - in your everyday life. But therapy is a very different place. I'm sorry you don't feel safe with your therapist. But this is a usual feeling of some/many patients and overcoming it is an important part of the therapeutic process. Overcoming the resistance towards therapy.

Is there something about the therapist that makes you feel unsafe? Does she remind you your mother? How? ... - These are some of the topics that could be discussed first.

Your quoted feelings remind me what DD wrote:

My most recent “aha” moment came when I fully realized and felt the horror of a childhood trauma at the hands of medical people. The medical people probably genuinely thought they were doing something that was best for me and my mother did as they told her.

It's an example of the kind of "aha moment" which seem probable to happen someday also in your case - just the "details"/"context" are different. It's good that you're already in contact with the feelings of and about that little girl you used to be. However, you still need to "let them out" - not only by written words here... You might, for instance (just my fantasy!), make this: Imagine, during the therapy session, that you're with your mother and you're allowed to tell her anything - all the complex truth about your feelings. The good thing is that you would know your mother wouldn't be there, but you might vent everything - safely. I imagine this kind of experience could have an impact. Maybe I'm interferring too much with you therapy now, because I'm describing how I used to do it - I used to have long and complex daydreams about the sessions and then tried to make at least the key part of it happen - and it worked good, because for me, being somehow "prepared" was important (although I always made it differently and the differences were important, too...). I'm suggesting something similar to you, because it seems you struggle with being spontaneous, too. The spontaneity is important, but sometimes can come only when we help it by becoming prepared / having a plan ;).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So I had therapy on Wednesday...Yet again, I tried to open up, explain how I was feeling about therapy and everything else, and -- I just left feeling like there was a disconnect. Like what she thinks will help me and what I think I need are in two different universes.

LaLa, you asked if my therapist reminds me of my mother. Thankfully, no. But she just seems so distant. Given that I have trouble opening up in th best of times, opening up to someone who just doesn't seem to care or understand me is even harder. No matter how hard I try to just express what is inside me, I know I am keeping a wall up, and I don't know how to tear it down.

And I had an experience in this most recent session that made it even harder. We were talking about being mindful of difficult emotions, and she had me do an exercise: sit quietly, focus on my breathing (the standrd mindfulness stuff) and then focus on a difficult problem I am dealing with, something that causes an unpleasant emotion. So I turned my focus to a problem in my life that is making me angry. At that point in the exercise, I was supposed to simply experience my anger and watch for it to subside. But instead, as I kept working through the exercise, I was getting more and more angry, and the exercise was making me angry, and it just wasn't subsiding. So, when the exercise was over, I told her that -- wanting to be honest. She got really upset, and made some comment about how now she had screwed up and "ruined my day" or something like that. She was so distressed that I was sorry I'd been honest about how the exercise impacted me. Which makes me not want to be honest in other situations...It's very frustrating. I don't know what to do. I don't want to quit therapy, but I think I need to feel I can at least be honest there...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OK -- it's her, Solstice. She's got unresolved psychodynamic issues. No wonder you're scared. I understand that fear.

You will be OK. You brought yourself back here. We understand or, if we don't, we accept.

If you can't resolve it with her next week, then you can get another therapist. Psychodynamic got a bad rap but they've got some new theories -- I did my own research, found a therapist who at least was OK. You don't have to go to one who advertises psychodynamic -- schema therapy looks promising, from what I've read. There may be others.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with DD :(. The problem is about her. (I can't imagine my therapist reacting this way!! I don't say that "everybody has to be like he is", of course - there are many valid approaches, but what you describe seems rather wrong to me :(.)

Among those therapists you've already seen, were there also similar cases, or the reasons you left therapy with them were different? I have to ask this to find out if this experience is not something typical for you - if you don't encounter the very same problem in every therapy, because if yes, then it could be worth the effort to try to find out what is in you that helps this problem to arise. However, I don't give it a big chance - I suppose that what you experienced with her this Wednesday was only her fault. But that doesn't mean that every therapist is like her, so you always have the chance to find somebody right for you.

BTW (I'm just curious); have you tried also group therapy?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

DD, you're right, I am going to have to try to resolve it with her next week -- and if I can't, then I need to really start thinking about my options...they are rather limited where I live, but there must be some. The thing that I find most frustrating is that her "brand" of therapy is supposed to be really, really good for my particular issues, and there is no one else in town who does it...sigh.

LaLa: The reasons I left past therapists were (mostly) different from what I am experiencing now. I left one because her answer was to pile on medications that made me feel worse, and not better. I left the next one because she insisted that I could only be healthy if I leave my current relationship, which I am not willing to do right now. I did not feel the distance with them that I am experiencing now, and, especially with the second one, I did feel like I could safely open up to her. I just wasn't OK with her insistence (and it really was insistence) that my problems were caused by somone else.

I have tried group therapy. As a matter of fact, my current therapist has a weekly group in which I participate. At first, I found it helpful -- at least I could look around and see that there were other people who fight the same battles I fight. But, more and more, I find that group consists of my therapist reading to us out of a binder of materials she has. Interesting, but not overly helpful.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for the info and explanations! (It's better for me to have a bigger picture...)

BTW, that insistence of that previous therapist seems also very inappropriate! There is a rule (!) that therapists cannot destroy patient's relationships! They can help to recognize them if the relationship is not good for them, but they shouldn't insist on it's ending (if the patient's not in danger, of course)... Strange... Why was she so worried? What did she consider to be so dangerous (?) in your partner (if I may ask and if you want to talk about it)?

You know, that type of therapy may be in general the best for your type of issues, but it doesn't mean that you can be healed only by that kind of therapy. What you really need is somebody with whom you can make a strong connection, feel able to open up, and who'll treat you the way that will help. Don't blame yourself for not receiving this from the current therapist. She may be wonderful for some other people, but she's not really good for you, as it seems. It's not your fault, it's a coincidence.

consists of my therapist reading to us out of a binder of materials she has

This sounds... really wrong to me...

(You mentioned you're interested in reading about therapy - maybe you might be interested in this: http://www.amazon.co...r/dp/0465036104 - I'm reading it currently and am already pretty awkward advertising it here in many posts :o, but... I find it so insightful! The first part is about principles of group therapy (you might buy also the whole book http://www.amazon.ca...n/dp/0465092845 , but here are the most interesting excerpts). Amazing to me. How great some therapists can be! ... I wish so much that every one was so good... :( )

I am going to have to try to resolve it with her next week

I also think it's good to try to resolve things first, not to give up too soon ;).

Good luck!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So, when the exercise was over, I told her that -- wanting to be honest. She got really upset, and made some comment about how now she had screwed up and "ruined my day" or something like that. She was so distressed that I was sorry I'd been honest about how the exercise impacted me. Which makes me not want to be honest in other situations...It's very frustrating. I don't know what to do. I don't want to quit therapy, but I think I need to feel I can at least be honest there...

I'm sorry you're having a hard time opening up. There can be something to learn from the interactions, though too, I would think. It's a valid point that she probably shouldn't have had this response, but at the same time, it is a human response. which makes the interactions genuine and true to life. Maybe you might express to her that you wish to be open with her, but now you are fearful of her hurt response, and this is making it even harder for you now. If it frustrates you, I would suggest telling her this and also expressing your need to be honest. Maybe you can work through it. What you're seeing is your response to others in interactions and there is always something to learn in that. I hope you can work together with her and that therapy becomes more beneficial for you.

Take care, Solstice.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I also think it's good to try to resolve things first, not to give up too soon ;).

I realized that I probably wasn't clear enough: Yes, I'm telling you my rather "detrimental" opinions about your therapist, but in the same time, I'm expressing my opinion that it's better to try to resolve things before giving up. It's confusing :(. But IJ expressed here very well what I meant implicitly in this last sentence - I'm glad she did. Every experience may be turned into something informative, many also to something beneficial. So... even though I, subjectively, don't like what you said about your therapist and I think there are others who could be more appropriate, I'm not trying to push you to give it up asap. Just... be honest with her. Tell what you need, tell what you feel. And also ask abut anything that could make the process of therapy clearer, more trustful/credible, to you. maybe you can set a deadline - several weeks (or months), for instance - with this current therapist (discussing the deadline with her - her opinion is important, I think): If you won't get better until that date, than you'll change the therapist.

I was maybe emphasizing too much the traits of your therapist which I don't like, but this was mainly an attempt to make you see that you don't have to get stuck in blaming yourself and not seeing a hope. In any case, it's not your fault (-that she seems unhelpful to you so far). But I think it would be your fault to give up therapy in general, give up the hope and the trying to heal ;). What you didn't and ... I'm so glad to see you trying... Good luck!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm not ignoring anyone...I've just been very down the past couple of days and not up to much of anything. LaLa, as to what my former therapist saw as so dangerous in my current relationship is that it is toxic -- we are both verbally abusive and unkind to each other. Part (most) of the reason I am in therapy is the fact that, even though I learned growing up that lashing out verbally at people is the answer to feeling bad, I don't want to be that way. So, I sought help. Unfortunately, my former therapist didn't see my part in the negative dynamic of my relationship. She expressed that she believed that I was wrongly blaming myself and that I was justified for lashing out. She basically made my husband the "bad guy." I don't know why she did that...maybe something in her history, or maybe she was deceived by the "mask of okay" that I wear. Either way, it didn't help me, so I moved on.

I know that what's important is the connection with my therapist, more than any particular modality of treatment. But I have such a hard time making a connection with anyone, and the worse things get for me, the harder that gets. So maybe the lack of connection really is me, and not her. Anyway, I agree with both you and IJ -- I need to continue being as honest as possible with her, and try to work through this and find a way that she can help me. I don't really want to go find another therapist, again. But I also agree it's worth setting a deadline, of perhaps a few weeks...if I can't feel safe with her by then, or at least safer, it may well be time to move on.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for the update :).

I'm sorry you've been so down... :(

I didn't think you was ignoring someone/us ;).

Well, hard for me to say something about your relationship... Just maybe: If you both contribute to the problems, then I wonder if your husband isn't in therapy, too - and if not, then why.

Take care!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But I have such a hard time making a connection with anyone, and the worse things get for me, the harder that gets. So maybe the lack of connection really is me, and not her.

I think it's both of you. But your part is what you're in therapy for. On the other hand, coming to understand the therapist may be part of your therapy?

Here’s some theory which may help, may not.

As you may know, narcissistic injury during the critical period of development can result in the development of the “narcissistic defense” in which the child (and later adult) is unable to fully experience their hurt and the resultant hatred and destructive impulses toward the parent/mother (usually) because of fear that would destroy the mother (or at least her presence and the relationship).

I had one and given what you have said about your husband and your part in the negative dynamic in the relationship, I‘ll offer this possibility:

Is there any way that in your attempt to be honest, an unconscious part of you which has good (passive-aggressive?) intuition “knew” that your honesty might upset her? From my point of view, it’s still her issue that she responded the way she did. Consciously you were trying to be honest and her response scared you.

Maybe the unconscious part (if it's there) is good at sabotaging emotional connection, too? (Maybe in your childhood, longing for connection just got you hurt? If that’s the case then the defense has to be demolished in order to fully experience that longing/love.)

If there is a part of you that sabotages connection, then you’re doing OK at finding that out. If your current therapist can’t deal well with that without getting triggered herself, then maybe you’ll know something else to look for and ask about with another one?

This may be way off base – but it’s the stuff that Freud didn’t have in his theory so that he said some people were “unanalyzable”. It’s pretty deep, difficult, and I don’t think all therapists are taught that much about it either. (Although it certainly seems like an expert in SI might.)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
×
×
  • Create New...