I MISS MY X THERAPIST

[Tsunami]

Some things never change, and I haven't seen my x therapist since August. I find myself going back and forth between rage and extreme sadness. I keep thinking that I have let him go, only to find out that I haven't. I want to write him or something, but he doesn't want me to do that:( I don't ever think I will get over him, I don't understand how it ended, and I wonder if he ever wonders if I am okay. I'm afraid that I will never, ever see him again . I am just so extremely sad right now. There is nothing I can do.

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you are feeling sad, Tsunami.

Would journaling about your feelings possibly help? What needs did your ex therapist meet? Is it possible to have those needs met in your outside of the room relationships?

We are here and listening. I hope you are able to find some comfort. Take care.

[Lana73]

Hi Tsunami,

I am so sorry you are struggling. I stopped my therapy over a year ago and was also hurting because I missed him a lot. That was the reason why I came to this site.

It does get better.

Do you have another therapist?

You would just have to work through your pain and eventually you will be able to let him go. But I know how difficult it is to loose that kind of relationship.

(((( Tsunami )))

[devils daughter]

So sorry that you're feeling so sad. Wish I could help make it better . . . I can't think of anything that I could do but I wish I could.

(((hugs)))

[Deanne]

I miss mine, too. She retired in December and it was very difficult to start over with someone new.

[Tsunami]

Thanks to all for your replies, they were much appreciated! I do have a new therapist now, and I have been working hard to work through everything. I continue to feel intense anger toward xT, and I am feeling like it is anger from the distant past. I still care about him and wish him well, but I think that ending the therapy was the right thing to do. The emotions it brought were more than I felt I could bear at some times. It gets better slowly, bit by bit. I am continuing to work on this. Deanne, I am so sorry to hear that your therapist retired. I hope your new therapist is helping you process the loss. Take care!

[Lana73]

Hi Tsunami,

It sounds like you are definitely making progress. It is a long process but you will heal. Glad that new therapist is helping you.

Nice to hear from you

Take care

[Tsunami]

Thank you, Lana, I really appreciate you. Take care

[medlem]

I would never ever think that my therapist cares about me or would start caring. It's their job and nothing else.

You might get that feeling during your meetings. But then again - it's their job!!!

Yeah, i also get a nice feelings during meeting sometimes. But I know that they drop you as soon as you walk through the door. You don't want to be naiv. They care only about the scientistic part of it all.

[Tsunami]

I disagree with you. The therapeutic relationship is a relationship, and in my opinion, not a lot of healing will go on if they don't care about the patient. It is a human relationship, and I am not talking about loving the patient or anything like that, but as I teacher, I care about my kids. If I didn't, I would suck as a teacher. Mine probably does drop me as soon as I walk through the door, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care when I am in session. I don't see how this would work just being scientific, I'm not an experiment. My T does care for me as a patient, he wants the best for me, he has told me that he wants to continue working with me. Our relationship in the therapeutic setting in a therapeutic way is REAL, and no one else can convince me otherwise. This is my truth, although, it doesn't have to be yours. Respectfully. Take care.

[Luna-]

I have to chime in with Tsusami. I honestly believe my therapist cares during the session. That I am just one of many he sees, and that he forgets about all of us when he goes home, doesn't mean he doesn't care during the session.

Even as he is obviously using therapeutic techniques and bringing psychological theory to bear on our sessions (I can tell as I am a psychiatric nurse and have a bit of background), I still think there is the element of caring. Sure, it's scientific for them, sure, we are their job and sure, they drop us as we walk out of the door. But when I was nursing, I had all of those circumstances and still cared for patients. If you are in a caring profession you care, or you would find another job. Just caring in a short space of time and forgetting about it after the hour is up, doesn't imply that there isn't caring during it.

There are probably those therapists who don't care, who may be jaded and who may want to yawn through sessions and wish they were over. I'll wager they are in the minority and if you meet one like that, you find another therapist, and quickly.

If you have had nice feelings during a session, medlem, then you have been cared for. And it counts for something don't you think...?

[IrmaJean]

I have to agree that a good therapist cares. I'm not sure how a therapist could be effective or genuine if they didn't. I think it's possible to have a professional relationship and care about the people you are working with too.

Medlem, have you ever discussed your feelings about this with your therapist?

[medlem]

I'm sorry for what I wrote. There is no doubt that your therapist cared for you, Tsunami. And surely so does your new therapist!

Take care and don't be sad. I mean that.

This is such a caring community. I wish nobody suffered mentaly. I wish I could do something about it too..

I just expressed my point of view which is different from yours. Probobly because it's a different kind of storry over here in Scandinavia. People are cold over here and part of me is too. I'm not gona think about it whether my therapist cares or not. I'm not looking for anything like that either. It's enough that me and my therapist respect each other. People are hypocrites over here towards eachother. It's number 1 "quality" of scandinavian ppl. However there are different ppl. I definitely don't support this kind of mentality that's why I love to be part of this community. I feel like home.

I'm lucky to have a good therapist. It's not a problem. I just expressed my point of view, IrmaJean.

[IrmaJean]

Medlem, the important thing is that your therapy works for you. Everyone experience is different and unique and that's a beautiful thing.

I am probably very sensitive about this because I still value the brief time I shared with my therapist in therapy. I still make mistakes, at times. My apologies.

I'm happy to know you feel like home here. I'm glad we can be here to support one another.

Tsunami, I wish you wellness and healing.

[Luna-]

I can believe you about your therapist, medlem. I am also Scandinavian and I know we are more reserved. (I think I have become less reserved from growing up in South Africa but I am still more reserved in general company, than I am here, and in therapy as a client). So I can believe it if your therapist is more distant. My second therapist was more like the therapist who wrote the article in the other thread I started, Another blog post.... (Probably why I found the article intriguing.) He wasn't particularly warm and would sit pretty dispassionately when I cried. I'm not criticizing him for that; I believe what he did was in my best interests but I sometimes used to wonder whether he cared and there were times when I felt very alone with my pain. I couldn't always feel the caring. So there are therapists whose style is more distant and I can understand what your situation might be like with a Scandinavian therapist. I still believe they care, though, during the session at least. Like you said you have had nice feelings in therapy (?) (I seem to remember you are in Sweden? I am Danish)

My current therapist is much warmer and I can feel the caring much more easily. It is why I am still with him even though I have to drive 90 mins to see him (and don't get to see him very often) when there are many therapists closer by.

[medlem]

I don't know what to add.. I'm very happy to have the therapist that I have. However I feel no affection to this person.

If I had to change my doctor I'd definitelly feel very disturbed caz I like my doctor. I appreciate his technical way of thinking and his way of problem solving. Not everybody think like that. But I wouldn't use word "miss". Maybe because I live in Norway lol

I didn't want to break in this thread like this. I thought I can help. But it turns out that we simply are in different situations

Sorry and Good luck.!

[Tsunami]

Medlem,

I truthfully appreciate you expressing your opinion, it is interesting to hear how therapy is different for people, and how people need different attributes from their therapist. You added a lot to the conversation, and I appreciate you.

I was unaware of how people in Norway were more reserved, and I think that is interesting! You didn't break the thread, again, you just added more substance to it! Keep posting:) I like having you around:) Take care!

[medlem]

Wow! Thanx

[medlem]

By the way I think my therapist is reading this!! Though it's impossible...

I always think what if my therapist is checking out this website, maybe he knows who I am!?

I met my therapist after writing all this. And he mentioned that he cares about his patients as a human beings

That was a bit strange..

[Tsunami]

I think that thought is normal:) I went through that also, and have read that tons of other people do, too.

[Tsunami]

I was out and about the other day and drove by my xT's office. HE IS STILL WORKING? I thought that after my termination that he would never see anyone ever again. Seriously, though, it is difficult to see that his life went on without me, that I never enter his mind. It feels the same with my current T when he is on vacation, I am afraid he will never think of me, and it's like if that happens I cease to exist. I'm not saying this makes sense by any stretch of the imagination, it's just how I feel.

[LaLa]

Seriously, though, it is difficult to see that his life went on without me, that I never enter his mind.

Yes, you can see that "his life went on without you", but how could you ever see whether you "ever enter his mind"?? Seriously; it's very, very improbable that he wouldn't think of you and all his former patients sometimes. Don't you think about many people you've been meeting for a shorter time and in less emotional and interesting and important occasions? So how could somebody just forget a patient?

I am afraid he will never think of me, and it's like if that happens I cease to exist. I'm not saying this makes sense by any stretch of the imagination, it's just how I feel.

To be honest, this is not a new "concept" for me, but I'd seen it, so far, only in books/articles. Some people really fear that they will cease to exist if nobody thinks about them and some of them can't support being alone (even for a short time) because of it, as they can't "check" if somebody is currently thinking of them. I don't know if it helps to know that you're not alone in this and that some people "have it even worse", but I wanted to mention it, mainly because it seems reassuring to me: If it's a known problem and if some people have been able to get rid of it, then you can be more optimistic about your prognosis and maybe more motivated to fight it.

Have you mentioned this particular idea (this kind of fear) to your therapist?

The book to which a memory/reminiscence mainly occurred to me after reading your post was by I. D. Yalom; I just can't remember which one it was as I've read quite many. I'll let you know if I find out. Anyway; have you tried reading some books presenting "stories from therapy" written by therapists? Yalom is a particularly great author (and therapist), in my opinion. For me, it was very important to read about therapy from therapists' perspective, because I felt much less confused, worried etc. about my T's "opinions" and "experiences with me".

[Tsunami]

Yes, you can see that "his life went on without you", but how could you ever see whether you "ever enter his mind"?? Seriously; it's very, very improbable that he wouldn't think of you and all his former patients sometimes. Don't you think about many people you've been meeting for a shorter time and in less emotional and interesting and important occasions? So how could somebody just forget a patient.

It was a termination, so maybe he is thinking thank God she's gone. I know, I know, but that's how I feel, or maybe what I think.

To be honest, this is not a new "concept" for me, but I'd seen it, so far, only in books/articles. Some people really fear that they will cease to exist if nobody thinks about them and some of them can't support being alone (even for a short time) because of it, as they can't "check" if somebody is currently thinking of them. I don't know if it helps to know that you're not alone in this and that some people "have it even worse", but I wanted to mention it, mainly because it seems reassuring to me: If it's a known problem and if some people have been able to get rid of it, then you can be more optimistic about your prognosis and maybe more motivated to fight it.

Have you mentioned this particular idea (this kind of fear) to your therapist?

The book to which a memory/reminiscence mainly occurred to me after reading your post was by I. D. Yalom; I just can't remember which one it was as I've read quite many. I'll let you know if I find out. Anyway; have you tried reading some books presenting "stories from therapy" written by therapists? Yalom is a particularly great author (and therapist), in my opinion. For me, it was very important to read about therapy from therapists' perspective, because I felt much less confused, worried etc. about my T's "opinions" and "experiences with me".

I love reading about therapy, I like reading Dr. Philip Bromberg, he has written three really good books about self-states and dissociation. I am thinking about branching out to fiction so I can get lost in the book, but it would have to be a really good one. I hate Romance Novels, so maybe a mystery or something like Criminal Minds on T.V. I don't know, just thinking aloud.

It's odd because I LOVE being alone, because no one is there to trigger me, so I feel in control of myself. I do have the I want people to think about me or else I am insignificant irrational thought, though.

It was kind of my point when I said my T would spend an hour honoring my therapy time on Wednesdays. I don't think he found any humor in it, though. Oh well. I was expressing my pain and disguising it as humor.

[anouarpac]

be happy life's too short