Confused and lost

[Max_500]

Hello all. I signed up a long time ago but never had it in me to really write anything. I guess it's because I feel I don't have anything meaningful to write so I don't bother.

Anyhoo, I'm a single male and I am 27. I've been single all my life and every girl I was ever interested in either rejected me or I never had the courage to ask her out. I'm very quiet/shy and my demeanor has been known to rub people the wrong way. It is because of this I merely sit on the sidelines and envy people who have relationships. I've always wanted to experience that for myself and anytime it seems like I might actually have a shot, something goes wrong. The worst people imaginable get to experience what I've yet to. I like to think one day my time will come and that I won't have to be on the outside looking in anymore. But I always feel I am cursed when it comes to women, like I'm just doomed to a single life, so I don't bother.

A few weeks ago, I was at the bank and one of the tellers smiled and told me I had a unique name. She said she likes guys with unique names. She was very pretty and it didn't hit me till after I walked out the door that she was flirting with me. All my friends realized it and told me I should've flirted back, etc, etc, but I'm terrible at it. So, I decided to muster the courage to ask her if we could grab a bite to eat or hang out sometime. It was one of the hardest things I've to do and it took a lot to keep me from freaking out. To my surprise, she actually said yes and I was overjoyed. I gave her my phone number and she texted me later that night. We asked each other questions and I continued to text her afterward. I even asked her about us hanging out so we could get to know each other better and in her own words she said: "I'd like that." I was so excited. It was a first. The more she told me about herself, the happier I got. She's worked in security and she's aspiring to became a police officer. She excercises a lot so she really cares about being in shape. It seemed like I caught a real winner here.

But here comes the problem. It is because of her ambition and her busy lifestyle why we haven't hung out yet. She even told me at one point as a warning that she rarely has a day off. I told her I understood, and have been trying to give her the impression that I respect that. So, pretty much all I've been doing is texting her and I don't seem to be getting anywhere with it. Sometimes she won't respond to my text messages (especially when I ask a question), and it really bothers me sometimes. I try not to text her a lot or come off really clingly like most people do, and I can't really tell where it's heading. I've sought advice from my friends and they all say let her text me for a change if she's interested. But when I do, she doesn't text me at all and I feel she won't if I leave it up to her. I've sought advice in other places too and they suggest I keep texting her (in moderation, of course) to show I'm still interested and whatnot. Apparently, it's the guy's job to always initiate everything and it may not seem fair but that's the way it is, they say. And then there are some people who say I should just let her go and move on.

One of my friends, (who's really good with the ladies and has been my coach throughout this thing,) suggests she's probably just busy and I try to convince myself of that too. But I'm just starting to have doubts. I try to be optimistic and look at the facts. I mean, every girl that came along flat out rejected me and she's been the only one to show any degree of interest.

If she wasn't interested, why would she give me the time of day? Why would she bother responding to my text messages, let alone actually take my number down when I gave it to her? Why would she say she's keen to the idea of hanging out with me if she didn't want to? It's confusing and nervewracking.

The last message I sent was me asking her what her plans for the workend were. She said work and training and asked me what am I doing. I told her. I followed it up with a flirty text afterwards and asked when would I get to see her pretty face again. She didn't respond and this was a few minutes after her last message. It drives me crazy when she does that, because I feel I'm putting myself out there and she barely even acknowledges it. She makes me feel like crap without even having to say anything.

It's been a couple weeks now and I probably shouldn't be expecting much, but still....

So, in short, I'm confused, lost, and don't really know where to go from here. Does anybody have any advice? I'd greatly appreciate it, thanks.

[IrmaJean]

Welcome to the community, Max.

I can relate to your struggle here.

I wouldn't say it's always the man's job to initiate contact. I do think that relationships should be as balanced as possible. So I don't think one person should be working extra hard to maintain a relationship if the other person has not shown equal interest. I'm not saying that is what is happening here. It can be easy to get caught up in analyzing the whys behind another person's lack of response, but we really can't know. Have you asked her if she'd like to continue hearing from you?

Maybe it also helps to work on your feelings about yourself?

[Max_500]

Welcome to the community, Max.

I can relate to your struggle here.

I wouldn't say it's always the man's job to initiate contact. I do think that relationships should be as balanced as possible. So I don't think one person should be working extra hard to maintain a relationship if the other person has not shown equal interest. I'm not saying that is what is happening here. It can be easy to get caught up in analyzing the whys behind another person's lack of response, but we really can't know. Have you asked her if she'd like to continue hearing from you?

Maybe it also helps to work on your feelings about yourself?

Thanks, IrmaJean. I'm glad you can identify with the situation, and I agree with you all the way. I don't believe men should be doing all the work, but that seems to be how it goes unfortunately. People always stress over how men should do the work and women are just "along for the ride." Anytime I talk to a female I feel I have to initiate everything because they don't give me much to work with with one-worded answers and dull replies. Eventually, they just stop talking to me and I wonder where I went wrong.

And you're right: we don't know. And not knowing is what gets me sometimes. I'm used to things turning out for the worst, so I'm always expecting it.

No, I haven't asked her if she would like to continue hearing from me. Of course, it never occured to me, but this goes back to overanalyzing. Apart of me feels she wouldn't respond to that message. Or it'll show a lack of confidence on my part and she won't want anything to do with me. Or, she'll say yes and continue doing what she's already doing.

I agree, I do need to work on my feelings about myself.

[Victimorthecrime]

I would send her a last text say something like hey sorry it's been so hectic but if ya get a minute I would love to buy you a cup of coffee include a pic of self holding up a cup of Starbucks w a big smile. Then move on. Ask out every girl you meet, you got nothing to lose.

[AmericanPsycho]

29 years old, single, a virgin, and basically friendless my entire life. I've tried long enough to fit in. I no longer beat myself up over it. I'm better off on my own. FUCK SOCIETY.