THERAPIST's VACATION THREAD

[LaLa]

. . .oops

What happened?

[finding my way]

Tsunami I have been so burned out lately, I can totally relate to carrying the the stress of coworkers along with everything else. I caught myself in a spiral that was getting me into deep trouble with myself. In that place there is no safe place to attach and the original wounds play up.

For me, I finally got some perspective by taking breaks-- going for a walk, looking into the face of nature, doing things other than work. I think I go too long relying on rapport with others to adhere my parts. When they run into their own issues and are no longer available, my cohesion dissolves and I am left with my issues.

How that exposure goes rests entirely on the amount of space and perspective I can achieve inside some very deep pain.

The danger is getting a false distance going by hating oneself.

That is a time to reach out for help.

Luckily there are more people on the planet than coworkers

How are you today, Tsunami?

[Tsunami]

I ended up starting a post and wanting to delete it, but couldn't figure it out.

[malign]

If you just switch to another page before hitting "Post", it'll lose your text completely. As many people have found to their chagrin. ;-)

In fact, if you're going to click on anything other than "Post" and you still want to keep your text, make sure you cut and paste it somewhere else (like Notepad) first.

[Tsunami]

Tsunami I have been so burned out lately, I can totally relate to carrying the the stress of coworkers along with everything else. I caught myself in a spiral that was getting me into deep trouble with myself. In that place there is no safe place to attach and the original wounds play up.

This makes a lot of sense to me, Finding. I don't really know what the original wounds are, I just know that I have reacted to fear when faced with what feels like intolerable pain.

For me, I finally got some perspective by taking breaks-- going for a walk, looking into the face of nature, doing things other than work. I think I go too long relying on rapport with others to adhere my parts. When they run into their own issues and are no longer available, my cohesion dissolves and I am left with my issues.

I try to keep myself distant from others by staying silent. I don't attach to them at all, I don't relate with them at all. It is too dangerous. But of course, I have to interact with them and if they trigger me which causes me to feel pressured, angry, whatever, I have difficulty tolerating it on a continual basis. It wears me down because I have to be hypervigilant in regard to my actions, I have to remain calm. So, doing this kind of makes it difficult for me to cognitively work through anything, and like you said, any cohesion I might have dissolves. This makes sense. Then, I feel my massive emotions.

How that exposure goes rests entirely on the amount of space and perspective I can achieve inside some very deep pain.

Yes, sometimes I can do this better than other times. Sometimes the very deep pain compels me to seek help from another and I am in so much pain that time is of the essence (to me). Then, I end up annoying people, and then I feel more pain, and vulnerable, and why in the hell do I keep doing this? Why can't I just deal with it myself and not even tell anybody else? I want to distance myself from everyone, and then I become afraid of my own emotions. I am so sick to death of myself.

The danger is getting a false distance going by hating oneself.

This sounds spot on, but it feels like a true distance. It feels like I can direct the hatred inward, and no one can hurt me but me. If I reach out for help and try to explain that I know I am being crazy wanting someone to hear me, and am met with anger, contempt, annoyance, or whatever, obviously it is me. I do hate this part of me and the only way I know to change it is to push everyone away. I don't want to be needy or intrusive but I suppose I am.

That is a time to reach out for help.

Luckily there are more people on the planet than coworkers True

How are you today, Tsunami?

I'm still here, I'm just sick to death of being me. I want to be a hermit, and never have to deal with feeling vulnerable and getting hurt ever again.

[Tsunami]

If you just switch to another page before hitting "Post", it'll lose your text completely. As many people have found to their chagrin. ;-)

In fact, if you're going to click on anything other than "Post" and you still want to keep your text, make sure you cut and paste it somewhere else (like Notepad) first.

Thanks!

[malign]

You can direct all your hatred inwards, and you'll at least drown out any hurt from others. {I remember thinking the same way.}

Only ... is that how you want to live?

I would guess this would only be a last resort of those who feel certain that hurt is inevitable and are reduced to controlling nothing but the source. Because once you take over the job of hater, it's likely that you'll have to be fairly consistent, and you'd have to overdo it a bit to make sure, and with practice we get really good at it ...

Eventually, you find that you're not even sure anyone else does hate you, because all you can hear is yourself, telling you that they do. And what if you're wrong? What if they've stopped?

I hope there's a different way possible, Tsu.

[Tsunami]

You can direct all your hatred inwards, and you'll at least drown out any hurt from others. {I remember thinking the same way.}

Yes, and I am better at it than anyone else could ever be. It is pathological but it feels protective that I am hating, thus hurting, myself. Irrational? Yes.

Only ... is that how you want to live?

I would guess this would only be a last resort of those who feel certain that hurt is inevitable and are reduced to controlling nothing but the source. Because once you take over the job of hater, it's likely that you'll have to be fairly consistent, and you'd have to overdo it a bit to make sure, and with practice we get really good at it ...

Yes, this is true. My hater is very consistent and ruthless, and I feel that it protects me from others. I don't have a whole self to help with feeling hurt by others, so I guess this is a defense I have somehow devised to stop others from hurting me. I can hurt myself in the same way with the same intensity by directing hatred inward and it is very familiar but intense pain, but it feels better than allowing anyone else in. This is sick, I know.

Eventually, you find that you're not even sure anyone else does hate you, because all you can hear is yourself, telling you that they do. And what if you're wrong? What if they've stopped?

What if they haven't stopped and I let my guard down and trust them? I am emotionally dysregulated, and thus, am easily hurt and destabilized by others. I haven't chosen to be this way, and I don't know how else to deal with it. So, when someone comes along and is just being normal and I feel hurt (like at work) and I become destabilized, anger and rage ensue because it just isn't something I have much of a defense against, except self hatred.

I hope there's a different way possible, Tsu.

Me, too. There is. I am working through all of this, including now. I have struggled with things for quite awhile, but I have a little hope that I might get better, at least for this moment. My T told me that this part that pushes others away, the part that is distrustful of others, is actually trying to protect me. I feel so emotionally intense as I write this, as in I am feeling empathy I guess for this part of me or me in general. I might have just conjured up what it feels like in session with T. This is different:) But good. Thanks for your reply.

[Tsunami]

I just wanted to THANK everyone for the wonderful support you have given during this T Vacation. I have until Wednesday, but I think I can still do this.

I made it five weeks without emailing my T, and without having a complete breakdown!!!!! I still have work to do, and I wasn't perfect, but I have hope that I will be able to get a hold of my emotions and keep them regulated more often than not. I wanted to celebrate!

[IrmaJean]

Good for you, Tsunami. You can do this.

Your emoticons are too funny. I'm smiling.

Hope today is okay for you. Take care.

[finding my way]

I feel so emotionally intense as I write this, as in I am feeling empathy I guess for this part of me or me in general. I might have just conjured up what it feels like in session with T.

Oh Tsunami, congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know this has been difficult, but WoW!!!! I am celebrating too for you

[malign]

"What if they haven't stopped and I let my guard down and trust them?"

Well, the question you really have to answer objectively is, Is the possibility of other people hurting you more painful than the certainty of you hurting you? Really, everything hinges on that, because if occasional other people really are more painful than constant self-hate, then why are you striving for change? I know there aren't any pat answers, and the perspective required to answer my question isn't always available in the moment, but it's worth coming back to, occasionally.

I have sympathy for the Punishing Protector, too (I have one also.) It must be hard inflicting pain in the hopes of preventing worse. I understand how that can seem to work. But it might be worthwhile asking that part whether, if you can take over some of the self-protection duties, it would be okay for it to relax a little.

The way I look at it, Tsu, we're all supporting each other through life; a momentary blip like your therapist going away is just one incident in all of that. {What did you say, early on - 0.088 of a year?}

[Tsunami]

"What if they haven't stopped and I let my guard down and trust them?"

Well, the question you really have to answer objectively is, Is the possibility of other people hurting you more painful than the certainty of you hurting you? Really, everything hinges on that, because if occasional other people really are more painful than constant self-hate, then why are you striving for change? I know there aren't any pat answers, and the perspective required to answer my question isn't always available in the moment, but it's worth coming back to, occasionally.

I have sympathy for the Punishing Protector, too (I have one also.) It must be hard inflicting pain in the hopes of preventing worse. I understand how that can seem to work. But it might be worthwhile asking that part whether, if you can take over some of the self-protection duties, it would be okay for it to relax a little.

I agree with you, and this is what I am trying to do in therapy.

The way I look at it, Tsu, we're all supporting each other through life; a momentary blip like your therapist going away is just one incident in all of that. {What did you say, early on - 0.088 of a year?}

LOL, something like that. I wasn't upset when I posted about my T being gone, though I have felt anger and rage, I know it isn't because of him. I lasted through this because I trust him and because he trusted me by allowing me to email. It was difficult, but I never felt compelled past the point of reason to email him, and I can't say that about my past.

I get frustrated now with relationships at work, it varies so much, and one day is fine and the next day may not be, and it really wears me down. I wasn't made to have connections with people. I feel like an alien. If I am an alien, then I guess I can be okay with that:) I don't speak human language.

So, I suspect I will give the Punishing Protector some time off deserved, maybe .088 of a year, lol. I'll invest in a suit of armor.

Thanks so much!

[Tsunami]

Oh Tsunami, congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know this has been difficult, but WoW!!!! I am celebrating too for you

Thanks so much, Finding!!! I really appreciate it:)

[Tsunami]

Good for you, Tsunami. You can do this.

Your emoticons are too funny. I'm smiling.

Hope today is okay for you. Take care.

IJ--Thanks so much! I'm glad you like the emoticons, I had to bring them out:) Today was a good day, work tomorrow, ugh. Not much longer until I get a break, though. Take Care!

[Horsewrek]

Such a great essay, Tsunami!! I'm so shaken and sad my T left for vacation when she is the only one I ever could open up to. I went on-line some sympathy and found such a reassuring abundance of it here! I decided to join so I can read more.