Help, i have been alone for almost 22 years

[Battousai92]

hello everyone

i am 22 years old man (boy)

i go to college everyday

i have routine which is very boring

i go to a gym 2 times a week

the problem is "i never had a girlfriend since i was born"

it makes my life suck..

i always feel lonely and full of emptiness.

i have a lot of friends, but only a few is female.

i don't know why i don't have any confidence in myself

i always afraid to start a relationship with a girl.because i think i am not good enough

this matter wont affect my study, but it feels worse than being a hurt

when we have been hurt, we feel pain, but mine is different. i only feel emptiness

this emptiness makes me feel that i am a failure as a man.

i have a lot of things to blame :

1. my economy condition is bad

2. i am not tall enough

3. i am not handsome

all of the things i said above is just an excuse for me..

the main thing is that i don't have any channel.

so i cant start a relationship with a woman

i also dont have a courage to find a woman, because i am a low profile man

does anybody have a word to help me make my life better ???

thankyou for reading my post

sorry for my bad english

[IrmaJean]

Welcome to our community, Battousai. No worries about your English. I'm glad you reached out for support.

I'm sorry you have been feeling lonely. Are you able to appreciate the gifts you have? What are some things you like about yourself? I think if you feel good about yourself and you know it's okay to be you, this offers the space to make more connections. It's good you have a lot of friends. Perhaps the next time you are out with friends you might challenge yourself to interact with women as well? I understand that can be challenging, but once you do it a few times, it gets easier. I used to be very shy myself and things can get better!

Take care.

[Battousai92]

Welcome to our community, Battousai. No worries about your English. I'm glad you reached out for support.

I'm sorry you have been feeling lonely. Are you able to appreciate the gifts you have? What are some things you like about yourself? I think if you feel good about yourself and you know it's okay to be you, this offers the space to make more connections. It's good you have a lot of friends. Perhaps the next time you are out with friends you might challenge yourself to interact with women as well? I understand that can be challenging, but once you do it a few times, it gets easier. I used to be very shy myself and things can get better!

Take care.

i am glad to read your reply..

you asked me about the gifts i have ?

i don't even know if i have them.

i always try to be the best at everything i do

every time i failed, it hurts me a lot

fortunately i always find a reason to not quitting at giving my best shot, still i got hurt when failed

i don't know what i like about myself

i know many of my weakness and my lacks, but i am not sure about what i like about myself

what do you mean by interact with women?

am i supposed to randomly say hello to a woman?

so i can make chances to have a girlfriend?

that is not easy, because there are risks

maybe i will get rejected, and it will make me hurt a lot

which means i will have less courage to move on

i don't know how it works, but maybe for a man and a woman to love each other is a miracle

and so this world is full of miracles, yet i am not a part of that miracles..

thank you for your advice

[IrmaJean]

Hello again, Battousai.

I’m willing to bet you have many gifts. Maybe you are you kind and caring or witty and intelligent? Maybe have a great sense of humor? Do you enjoy any activities or hobbies? I don’t think we have to be the best at what we do to shine. Just being ourselves is a beautiful thing.

Failure sounds like a judgment you are placing on yourself. I hear that you feel disappointed and hurt when things don’t happen as you hoped. I hope you can be compassionate with yourself and appreciate that you always try.

None of us are perfect. I’m not either. Part of being human. I have moments of feeling insecure and afraid and sometimes I struggle with anxiety or a lack of confidence. But I’m also kind and I have a big heart. I hope you can connect with yourself and know it’s okay to be you.

You could start interactions with women by smiling and saying hello. I am sure you can one day have a girlfriend, yes. I think it would help too, though, to work on your relationship with yourself. When you feel okay with yourself and you can connect and feel that during interactions with others, it is an attractive trait.

Putting oneself out there can be risky and there is a chance of being hurt, this is true. I understand that can feel frightening. There is also the chance that you may make a beautiful and wonderful connection with another person and that wouldn’t happen if you never tried.

I like the thought that the world is full of miracles. :-) There is also the potential for miracles too. I would think you are definitely a part of that.

Best wishes to you, Battousai.

[LaLa]

Hello, Battousai92,

reading this

i always try to be the best at everything i do

every time i failed, it hurts me a lot

fortunately i always find a reason to not quitting at giving my best shot, still i got hurt when failed

[...]

that is not easy, because there are risks

maybe i will get rejected, and it will make me hurt a lot

which means i will have less courage to move on

it occurred to me that you might benefit from reading articles like these:

http://www.psycholog...overing-failure

http://www.psycholog...failure-is-good

http://www.psycholog...ve-fear-failure

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/dont-delay/200804/the-anguish-procrastination

Then also, maybe you might explore why a simple rejection (even of a 'hello'?!) would be so hurtful for you. Why should it be important that everybody likes you and wants to be friends or partners with you?? You don't want 'tons of' very close friends and partners, you just want one. And if some or even most people reject you, it doesn't mean everybody always will. Waiting passively for somebody to come to you and propose you, for instance, to date, would be a bit like waiting for a miracle, yes (although such "miracles" do happen sometimes - I find it curious and unbelievable, too ). Almost no social interaction because of fear of rejection can never lead to the aim one longs for: the acceptation, closeness, love.

Here is also some inspiration for people in your age :

http://www.ted.com/t...the_new_20.html

Good luck!

[Battousai92]

Hello again, Battousai.

I’m willing to bet you have many gifts. Maybe you are you kind and caring or witty and intelligent? Maybe have a great sense of humor? Do you enjoy any activities or hobbies? I don’t think we have to be the best at what we do to shine. Just being ourselves is a beautiful thing.

Failure sounds like a judgment you are placing on yourself. I hear that you feel disappointed and hurt when things don’t happen as you hoped. I hope you can be compassionate with yourself and appreciate that you always try.

None of us are perfect. I’m not either. Part of being human. I have moments of feeling insecure and afraid and sometimes I struggle with anxiety or a lack of confidence. But I’m also kind and I have a big heart. I hope you can connect with yourself and know it’s okay to be you.

You could start interactions with women by smiling and saying hello. I am sure you can one day have a girlfriend, yes. I think it would help too, though, to work on your relationship with yourself. When you feel okay with yourself and you can connect and feel that during interactions with others, it is an attractive trait.

Putting oneself out there can be risky and there is a chance of being hurt, this is true. I understand that can feel frightening. There is also the chance that you may make a beautiful and wonderful connection with another person and that wouldn’t happen if you never tried.

I like the thought that the world is full of miracles. :-) There is also the potential for miracles too. I would think you are definitely a part of that.

Best wishes to you, Battousai.

thank you IrmaJean

i agree about "just being ourselves is a beautiful thing".

sometimes my unconscious mind says to me "don't you think you are awesome? you really are!"

so i always think what's wrong with me.

i always feel down whenever i realize my live is not good enough because i don't have a girlfriend.

i have a "hunter" type friend.

so this friend of mine likes to go to a party, where many people gather to dance and of course get drunk.

of course he have a lot of friends, both female and male.

he is a "hunter" because he likes to go out and approach a random woman.

whenever he finds an attractive woman, he will immediately came near her, say hello, then go on a light conversation for 5-10 minutes, then ask for her number, and then nicely leave.

the next day he will text and call her.

if the woman's response is nice, he will continue the relationship at least they become friends, or maybe a lover.

if the woman's response is 'no good', he will just delete the number and don't mind at all.

from what he told me, he usually gets 2-3 female targets each month.

not one of them last long, the relationship is always a short term.

he never has a girlfriend that last over 3 months, which i think it is very short.

2 things i can get from this friend :

1. it is a good way to have fun while we still at our 20s.

2. point 1 is not right, because this is not what i really want.

i do disagree the mindset of hunting a girl is a good way to enjoy this life.

what's the point in getting so many female friends but most of them is a short term?

isn't it better to have a relationship with a few girls but with a deeper story and bond?

sorry i talk too much, i was just giving my opinion which always bother me.

will be very nice if you could share some of your thoughts too.

Hello, Battousai92,

reading this

it occurred to me that you might benefit from reading articles like these:

http://www.psycholog...overing-failure

http://www.psycholog...failure-is-good

http://www.psycholog...ve-fear-failure

http://www.psycholog...procrastination

Then also, maybe you might explore why a simple rejection (even of a 'hello'?!) would be so hurtful for you. Why should it be important that everybody likes you and wants to be friends or partners with you?? You don't want 'tons of' very close friends and partners, you just want one. And if some or even most people reject you, it doesn't mean everybody always will. Waiting passively for somebody to come to you and propose you, for instance, to date, would be a bit like waiting for a miracle, yes (although such "miracles" do happen sometimes - I find it curious and unbelievable, too ). Almost no social interaction because of fear of rejection can never lead to the aim one longs for: the acceptation, closeness, love.

Here is also some inspiration for people in your age :

http://www.ted.com/t...the_new_20.html

Good luck!

hello LaLa

thanks for the articles.

i found it helpful.

sometimes i think my problem is about courage, and at the other times i think it is about my surroundings.

my majority in my college is male. 93% of the students are males, the rest are females.

i always blame this situation.

i know it is clearly very possible to find a girl at the outside.

my mindset needs to be changed.

to approach a random girl and say hello is not my way.

because it is just not my way.

but i won't see any chance to have a girlfriend, if i just stay here.

is this the only option i have?

to reach the world, and go approach a random girl?

[LaLa]

Approaching a random person wouldn't be my way either . But there are places where you can gain new friends and then, knowing somebody as a friend and liking her may be a good start to, let's say, a closer friendship, then maybe even dating - it all depends on the circumstances and chances. So, that's why I'd say a god start would be to to find some new places (or at least one) where you could get to know new people (your age). A new hobby (which needs to be done among some other people with the same hobby, like a sport, for instance), a regular volunteering. And you might also meet your friends more often and try to meet also their more distant friends with them - there may be some girls... What do you think?

[Victimorthecrime]

Being yourself is what will attract women, to the extent that you are able to attract women and to worry about it beyond that is a waste of time.

Also young women are going to usually be attracted to a guy who has a career lined up as opposed to a slouch who spend life on mothers couch.

Now get out there and love somebody!

[Battousai92]

Approaching a random person wouldn't be my way either . But there are places where you can gain new friends and then, knowing somebody as a friend and liking her may be a good start to, let's say, a closer friendship, then maybe even dating - it all depends on the circumstances and chances. So, that's why I'd say a god start would be to to find some new places (or at least one) where you could get to know new people (your age). A new hobby (which needs to be done among some other people with the same hobby, like a sport, for instance), a regular volunteering. And you might also meet your friends more often and try to meet also their more distant friends with them - there may be some girls... What do you think?

the only place i can go in my spare time is gym.

i love to work out. in a week i usually go there 2-3 times.

i go the the gym to have a better shape, but i still try to make a new friend here.

the men in my gym are nice. they were kind and easy going.

but somehow i don't feel comfortable with them.

i would rather to keep the distance of my relationship between them.

this is a matter of economy social status.

they have a very good economy situation. i can tell by their rides, their gadget, and their own testimony.

thats why i am feeling less confident and choose to maintain my relationship as an acquaintance.

so, how about the women?

there are some girls in my gym.

i found some of them are attractive.

the problem is they don't go to workout regularly.

and of course they are wealthier than me, which makes me not confident.

i always afraid to say hello at them.

because if i do, i want to have a further relationship with her.

i am sure she wants to be with a man who can afford to live together and make her happy.

which i think i can't. because i don't have a job yet.

the next year when i have a job and make my own income do you think i will able to cure my lack of confident ?

or this is a mental illness which i can not go through without a force from myself?

Being yourself is what will attract women, to the extent that you are able to attract women and to worry about it beyond that is a waste of time.

Also young women are going to usually be attracted to a guy who has a career lined up as opposed to a slouch who spend life on mothers couch.

Now get out there and love somebody!

thanks for your opinion.

i always want to be a success guy in my career.

i want to live steady and wealthy (at least i am not depending on my parents or anybody else).

so i study hard and work hard in my college to find a better job.

but the problem is i am having difficulties to approach a girl.

i know that my social economy status is not the one to blame.

thats why i am so confused with myself, and always feel lonely.

[IrmaJean]

Hi Battousai.

I understand what you mean. I think it's great you want to have meaningful and close friendships. That's how it works for me too. I think the main thing is being open to potential positive experiences with others.

I don't think that income, whatever it might be, affects the fact that we're all imperfect beings. We're all human, we have all fears, insecurities, and vulnerabilities. It's something that we all share, and I've always found that shared aspect comforting and beautiful. Some women too, may like the idea of building a life together. I know I did.

Confidence can come with practice. I work in retail and during therapy, I tried changing how I presented myself during interactions with customers. I stood up very straight, smiled and forced myself to make more eye contact. People responded very positively. Now I do this naturally and freely and I don't feel socially anxious anymore. Once you know it's okay to relax and be yourself, you will build feelings of confidence and interactions with others may come easier. It worked for me. You can do it too. Maybe try listening to the part of you who knows you are awesome. :-)

Best wishes to you, Battousai.

[octupassrex]

well im also a 22 year old virgin in university, so I know how shitty it feels. But unlike you, I don't go to the gym, and am still 30 ponds overweight (ive pledged to lose it before school starts again). so you ought to at least have a decent physical appearance, if that makes you feel better. Also, universities have more female students than male by a significant margin, so you really shouldn't feel threatened by the possibility of rejection. since most women prefer a potential mate who is in some sense, a more capable provider than they are (im not trying to be sexist, im just citing the findings of the literature. incidently, the literature also shows that women are just as interested in sex as males- so the stereotype that women hate sex is false), and since there is a lack of males on campus who can at leas rival them in terms of potential for providing, due to the lack of them on campus at all, it should follow that you have more possibilities than you think. becoming friends with a girl shouldn't be too bad- just actually asking them out might be. practice and you should do well. and before you ask, no, its not easy. I havent done it yet. o I don't want this to come off as insensitive or something. I dunno. I hope that kinda helped.

[Rouler]

Hi.

I am 18 and I am in the same situation, though I don't have any friend near me.

I don't like 'normal' and short-term relationships, I like deep ones, when you just love the other person because you want to love someone (Connect with another human...feel humanity...)

Of course, the other person should let you love him/her and have similar feelings. But, It is not only about romantic relationships, it can also apply to friendship.

Do you like reading?

There is a interesting book about love, and it is: The art of loving by Erich Fromm. (Psychologist and philosopher)

He analyse how that feeling works in relationships (Parental, friendship, romantic...) ... It helps to understand issues related to love, and may help you to be more confident about it.

What women like? A man that smile and is kind, that worry but don't lost control of himself, that is sincere but not offensive, that if he has a problem, he confront it, instead of ignoring it, that shares his emotions, instead of hide it, but without overreacting...

Confidence doesn't appear spontaneously, It is need to be worked adopting a positive life attitudes. One need to relax and be stable enough to begin creating this confidence, step by step, with clear objective, pointing at something and working on it (Yeah, this is ambiguous, though, It is need to know what is going to be improved to make it possible)

I talk with a girl between lessons--->This is objective right know, and I'll keep working on it until I find it completely spontaneous and comfortable.

Me.

[Guest glennj]

Have you thought about online dating sites? good place to meet girls without having to approach them.