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ba51th

me....

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I had a dream last night...

the setting: is the time when I in junior high school...

I do some exercise in the class room...

then a student (a boy in my class when I still in junior high school) throw a black marker at me and it hit my head...

then I grab my chair, when I'm going to throw that chair on him, he is begging like a loser...

how unfortunate that, somehow I'm not strong enough to throw the chair... and it's frustrate me...

I frequently face similar situation in some of my dreams, and in real life as well... that I am not strong enough to do something...

if I'm strong enough in my dream to throw the chair, it would be great, then I will beat him good... until all of his body full of wounds... to make sure he remember the consequence if he disturb me... it would satisfy me...

some human can't understand words, but understand the pain very well

what a monster I am...

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You are not a monster. Dreaming about it is your mind's way of getting the frustration out so you don't have to in real life. Most of us have thoughts of hurting those that have hurt us at one time or another. What matters is that we don't follow through with our thoughts, that's where dreams come in. Take care.

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since my rage days ago... I start to lose interest in "powerful" women...

I like a kind of woman that weak, sweet, motherly, modest, gentle, patience, know when to talk, know when to silent, thoughtful...

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there is an instrumental song... that I never bored to listen to... that I always listen to in any mood I am...

"Ishii Kouji - No. 23"

a soundtrack of "Darker Than Black" anime...

somehow... that song... describe me...

that song... is me...

I tried to describe myself base on that song with words... but it's really hard... feels like I will lose my consciousness...

I wonder if there is anyone that will try to understand me by listening to that song...

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I hate to watch a scene where a woman is in danger...

and...

I hate to watch a scene, to read a story, where a woman sacrifice herself for a man...

oh, one more thing...

I hate it when it is a woman that become a victim...

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I hate horror...

I wonder why some people enjoy it...

do you ever had any experience that you chased by something scary?

you keep running and running...

but it stayed behind you no matter how fast you run...

and your running speed getting slower and slower...

you really sure that it's right on your back...

you want to fight it... but you have no courage... you have no power...

and you start to wish that you never exist... or... dead

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if I am normal and have bigger penis... I want to get married... but don't want to have children... since I am a failed human, I don't know how to raise children...

or... maybe I don't want to get married, but just having a steady relationship...

because...

I never thought to grow old, have a family, have grandchildren...

what is a family...

I don't know...

I wish I'm still be able to join army...

and die around 30-40 years old...

whether I die in the battlefield...

or die because of sickness...

with my current condition...

I wish I fall asleep....

...

...

...

...

and never wake up again...

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you can understand the old man because you use your brain to deal with him, in order to exploit him as much as you can.

you can understand your second child, because you use your brain to deal with him. because he is a handsome boy, because I torture him in his childhood, because he is smart? since he is your favorite child, you need to be serious to deal with him... for his sake...

me? you don't use your brain to deal with me, because you don't need to be serious to deal with me, since I failed human? ooohhh... maybe because I have bad marks and have no future, so you don't need to be serious, you don't need to use your brain to deal with me, because there is no point to do it with someone like me...

22 years...

22 years we live on the same roof, yet you still can't understand me...

I thought women are sensitive... since they are sensitive it would be easier to understand someone else than men...

but it looks like I'm wrong...

sometimes I wonder if I am really your son...

or...

maybe you just don't treat me like I'm your son...

or...

maybe you just trying hard to treat me like I'm your son...

spend your time more with your job and your bussiness than your children? but still manage to understand him, but not me...

I am a stranger...

a stranger in a strange house...

a stranger in a stranger's family...

a stranger in a stranger's neighborhood...

a stranger in a stranger's town...

a stranger in a stranger's country...

a stranger in a stranger's planet...

a stranger in a stranger's universe...

a stranger...

a rock on the side of road...

a trash of the universe...

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I deleted my old facebook account... that account connected me with people in elementary school, junior high school, senior high school and university, relatives, and some stranger...

it was felt difficult for me, because that account contain so many history, and don't forget about some conversations I had with some beautiful sexy models (I was flied to the sky when one of them said that I'm cute...), and a conversation with a girl I like on facebook that have ugly end... but I did it... not that any of them care with my existence... feels like I remove my past...

I wish I can save all of those precious conversations, so I can read it again and again...

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oh, sorry to confuse you... I treat this topic as a kind of place where I write everything I want... a kind of diary maybe?

if I have difficultites I will post it on feedback

just something that happen in real life...

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somehow... it feels like that there is no place for me in this world...

that I'm nothing but a rock on the side of road...

it is a punishment for me because I'm such an anti social...

I remember the time when I was in university...

there are student, kind of popular student, have good looking face, have many beautiful female friends, love to "socialize", sometimes love to bully weaker student and laughing about it, well you know...

they frequently came to my place and "socialize" there... well I'm not used to these kind of thing...

somehow... when people saw me,they think that I'm a famous/popular guy, a confident man, come from rich family, love to "socialize", so on...

as time goes by... they no longer came to my place, maybe because they start to realize that I'm not a kind of guy that they thought...

and finally I was free... I love to get naked... no one disturb me playing video games...

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I'm not annoyed, ba51th. You can use this space on the forum if you'd like or you can set up a blog if you'd rather it was more private. It's up to you. I find it very helpful to write freely. I hope you find it helpful too.

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some people think they know what they are talking about upside down... while in fact... they are wrong... because they view the subject in single viewpoint, not multiple viewpoints...

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I've done it... I kill someone on my dream... by choking him to death...

I can't exactly remember my dream... there are some dangerous people... but I'm targeting two people... then I visit their place and fight them both... I managed to grab one of them and choke him... it felt like I'm an experienced killer, I just know how to do it... and he die... then I fight the second guy, get a chance to choke him, but he endure it... then I decided to let him live for that moment...

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Fucked up parenting really fucks you up. I speak from first hand experience man, 12 year old me being severly neglected and emotionally abused by my alcholic mother. It's been 4 years and I still can't feel anything, I repress my emotions everyday, I lie everyday and pretend I'm happy. I just figured I'd post here and share my feelings too, you're not alone man.

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