I feel like emoting anonymously

[octupassrex]

I dont really know how to communicate. I like to pretend like I know what the normal protocol is, but that's all it is- pretending. So I'm just gonna start rambling about whats on my mind. no one needs to listen- no one needs to care. I just like the idea of talking- even if its into a void. anyways, how to begin... how about like this? I don't go out ever. I don't really know how to. I'm 22 years old and I've spent virtually all of it hiding wherever I can to avoid people. Im not entirely sure why- I rather like most peoples company. But I also feel excluded- sorta like a drifter. I don't really have any friends- aside from a small handful. I don't really have any talents either. I'm apparently disabled- working memory and audio processing in the 12th percentile. So I wasn't even allowed to do normal high school courses. Due to the lack of a high school education, and profoundly poor language use skills, most people think im a retard. However, I did a bunch of correspondence courses and now attend uoft with a 4.0 GPA. To be blunt tho, its still not very good. I only do 3 half course equivalents (since accessibility wont let me do more due to the working memory problem), so I don't know if it really counts- and ive had a lot of extensions due to various suicide attempts and visits to the psych ward. Plus, I don't consider any of my courses terribly impressive- its just intro to computer programming (not computer science- but programming), modern symbolic logic (a bird course if you have half a fucking brain), intro to cognitive science, and intro to linguistics (again, a bird course). I would really love to do some hard classes that are really impressive- but to do anything worthwhile, I need calculus- and to get calculus, I still have to get my high school math credits. and don't even get me started on how science illiterate I am. I have a deep theoretical understanding of evolution- but a working knowledge of chemistry and anatomy that's no better than a grade 8 student. I am deeply ashamed of this fact, but find it very hard to focus on any of this. Its not that I don't care about he world around me- I do. and Ive read countless books and academic articles on very specific, niche topics. but I have very little interest in most of the specifics about the world around me. and even less interest in politics. I don't even have an interest in math. I just like the idea of being really good at something ppl find hard. I should mention that I got a 90 in computer programming and so far about a 92 in logic (I got 97 in my first first logic midterm but fucked up the second and got 86). I should also mention that I am very vain and if anyone tells me that's a god mark, I will lose my temper and tell them to fuck off. I don't fucking care what you "think" is a good mark- I care what actually is a good fucking mark- a graduate school level good mark. The kinda mark you cant get just by studying hard- but by actually having talent. I should also mention that a lot of people hate me probably for this reason. Sorry if that rant was insensitive to you. truth be told, I don't actually know what its like put in the effort and not yield the reward. in fact, I'm starting to believe that my courses are too easy- that if you put in the effort, you will always yield the reward. and anyone who fails to get a mark equivalent to mine is just a fucking lazy idiot who deserves none of my sympathy. Yes, I am not a nice person- its something I'm trying to work on. Its also made it harder for me to tolerate people who come to these forums to complain about how ugly or unsuccessful they are. Its hard for me to think of anything other than that they aren't trying hard enough to make themselves happy. I mean, for each person here that thinks they are a loser, i probably consider you to be more successful than at least one person who actually does think they are "successful". I mean, most people can sleep at night with a shitty job and a shitty degree from York with shitty marks, and a shitty spouse that's not very attractive or successful themselves. Well, that's my rant.

[LaLa]

Hello, Octupassrex, welcome!

I've just read your "rant". I understand that you may have difficulties with communicating in person (or "in real life") (I do, too. BTW), but here, your "strategy" to just "ramble about whats on your mind" has been absolutely appropriate . Most importantly, it can be helpful to at least from time to time write down one's thoughts in such a manner (e.g. in a private journal). Have you realized something new/insightful thanks to writing this post?

For instance; could you already say what you're seeking when joining this forum/community and talking about yourself? (In general. being better aware of our needs can help us to fulfill more of them.)

You mentioned your suicide attempts. At the same time, it seems to me you're rather motivated for personal growth and success. I hope it means the suicidal ideations are rather a matter of the past. But feel free to write about this topic as well. For instance; what has changed for better, if anything? What has helped you?

For me, this part was particularly interesting:

Its hard for me to think of anything other than that they aren't trying hard enough to make themselves happy. I mean, for each person here that thinks they are a loser, i probably consider you to be more successful than at least one person who actually does think they are "successful".

I have several remarks, as:

- Are you trying hard enough to make yourself happy? Can you tell what would make you happy (and I don't mean any miracles , of course)?

- I can only agree with you that many of us don't try enough - but from my point of view, one of the main problems is indeed the lack of motivation, the lack of believe that "something could be done to get better", sometimes (as least in my case) a terrible apathy. Many of us are the authors of some of the obstacles that prevent us from being "happy". And I think many - or at least some - of us know it (I certainly do). So, the problem isn't "not being happy", the problem is "not feeling strong enough to change so that we could achieve more".

- The last quoted sentence is, to me, very apposite: It's all relative. And I'd say that one of the big problems of many people is that they don't relativize their lives enough and can't appreciate the positive things they have, sometimes even take them for granted. They could feel less miserable if they were able to enjoy more the positive aspects of their lives - but again: that's a part of their problem that they can't feel this way and I don't think it's "their fault".

Here I wonder: Do you feel miserable?

I'm not sure why, but it occurred to me that maybe you might like this book:

http://gladwell.com/outliers/

It's not optimistic and it might be even frustrating for you because it confirms some of what you already know from your experience - that your success depends a lot on the attitudes of others and the way they treat you, as well as on many other circumstances. But maybe it could be also somehow insightful or useful to you, I don't know.

You can hear the whole book here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=596wT4mRq8w

Some quotes from it:

http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/3364437-outliers-the-story-of-success

Take care and keep posting if you want !

[IrmaJean]

Welcome to the community, octupassrex. I wanted to say hello.

Writing things out helps me to process my emotions. I hope that you have found it helpful to express yourself here.

[octupassrex]

IrmaJean, When I get very angry, I find that writing can help me make sense of my otherwise incoherent angry thoughts. As such, I usually only expressive write when im very angry. Anyways, Lala, I'm greatful for the response. I never get to talk about my issues since no one outside of my family knows about them- and even my family only has a superficial knowledge of them. I think most ppl who know me would be absolutely surprised at just how crazy and angry I am as a person. Anyways, to respond, no, I have no idea what make me happy. I'm tempted to say nothing, since I find myself bored most of my days. Im good at school- but my relatives are far more successful- keep in mind im just a first year student. Im still largely considered useless compared to students in later years, despite my often superior marks. And of course, there are students in upper year who do significantly better than I do- these students deeply distress me. there are very few, but they are very, very threatening to me and my career goals (such as TAing and research). for whatever reason, I hate not being the best at whatever I do, and I absolutely hate being forced to compete in something Im not good at. from what ive been told my hyper competitive attitude, and abnormal levels of anger towards those I perceive to be beating me in these compititions, is very different than how most people think. I know the vast majority of people don't view the world as a proving ground where people "win" and "lose", but I have difficulty seeing it any other way. it seems like every one hates everyone. and the only way to get on top is to be the absolute best at whatever you can, and hope that whatever you are the best at is better than whatever somebody else is the best at. perhaps that's why I find it so difficult to be happy. I treat everything as a zero sum game, and obviously it is impossible to beat "everyone" at whatever game it is. so I always, ALWAYS feel like a loser. I realise that I should view things not as a competition, but as a relative sort of thing- like how much better am I doing compared to my previous efforts, as opposed to someone elses. but to be blunt, it does feel like an utterly meaningless comparison. so what if im the best "me"- theres only one contender in that contest. so naturally yes, I cannot lose. I know winning and losing should be uneccessary, but i really do think there is something wrong with my head- like my parent really messed me up or something. i need to stop being so damn competitive- but i cant yield or i feel threatened and insecure. Anyways, regarding your second point, it is fair to accuse me of not trying hard enough to be happy- I did make that "doesn't try hard enough" comment (although I did state its merely "hard to think otherwise", not that im certain of it). I did lose 45 + pounds to look more attractive, and have pledged to lose the last 25 this year. I also try to be more well versed in the popular culture, so that i could communicate more with the normal people. but ill admit that I still feel largely ostracised and hated. and lonely. and of course horribly unsuccessful compared to most people my age. And for the record, no, the comments about me being suicidal are not outdated. I tried to commit suicide 1 month ago by swallowing a bottle of sleeping pills. by a fluke of luck my dog found me and was able to alert my parents. Im still amazed that im not dead right now.

[IrmaJean]

Maybe it helps to work on feeling secure with yourself and who you are, as you are? Maybe then there will be less need for measurements of self?

[LaLa]

Thanks for your explanations, O.

I don't have time to respond now, but it occurred to me that maybe you could read this to gain some insights to the way our mind is shaped in early childhood - it seems to me that your exaggerated competitiveness and anger etc. could also be clarified by a similar "explanatory approach":

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Horney#Theory_of_neurosis