New, but not human

[Rouler]

"Many times I have believed that I had no rights, obviously not consciously. Simply, I had normalized the situation so much that I perceived it as deserved and normal. I didn't feel like a person, I didn't feel human, I didn't feel that I deserved anything kind or lovely; I thought that I was pure scum, part of the waste of the world, without more right than to breath; I remember to think that it was fair to not have any kind of affection, to not have company, to have to hide in the closet and cry to nobody -Becausethere was nobody to cry to-; I remember to think that it was true that I was a monster, despicable, evil and repugnant. I only existed to be hit, I only existed to be shouted, to be harassed and to be used as a punching bag.

In the end, I didn't feel anything, I feel without life, without a soul inside. Everything was unreal; even my mind was unreal, I wasn't inside my head, I wasn't real, I don't know where I am, I don't know if I am alive -Orif I am death-

Feelings choke me, they become a cumulus of pain in my throat, I suffer them, one by one, and I don't identify them clearly. Normaly I have no memory, as I don't have identity, as I didn't be a person. I don't identify with an image or idea, I don't have a self-concept.

I am nothing. Nonexistent"

Hello; I am from nowhere. No drug problems, no academical problems. Emocional problems, imposibility to socialize, scared and hypevigilant. Uncapable to allow someone to emocionaly connect with me. Isolated. Described as autistic-like. Mistrustful and angry.

Too young, I cannot scape from here, just have to wait. No help, I was ignored by those that should help (Social services and similar)

Helpless.

[LaLa]

Hello, Rouler, welcome!

I'm so sorry that you have to cope with this alone . I hope this kind of communication (on the forum) will be helpful at least a bit, although it's not ideal and cannot replace in person contacts with a good professional.

I wonder who the author of the quoted text is. In any case, it seems that it describes well how you feel . I suppose that your feeling of "being nothing, not being a person, not having an identity, deserving to be treated badly, ..." results from the abusive character of your family. Can you also recognize this connection? Every child needs to be treated with love and respect to build a healthy sense of self, a sense of self-worth, and a healthy personality. Loving caregivers are those who teach us to build relationships, cope well with different emotions, ... It seems you have been deprived of this chance . But it doesn't mean that you're now forever "damned" or that you don't deserve love and nice, fair, ... treatment. It doesn't mean you can't learn more about yourself and about relationships and change your life for better. Sadly, it all necessitates also your own efforts, your seek of appropriate help, your co-operation with those helping you. But you've already started - joining a forum like this is a good step forward. I hope when you'll be older and help will be more accessible to you, you will profit from it...

May I ask you how old are you?

Also; have you considered all possible ways of getting professional help? It's probable that there are some ways you don't know about yet (?). Moreover, the social services might have failed because of particular person who was incompetent or not interested - maybe someone else from the same organization would have a very different approach. And maybe also your approach when seeking their help could become more effective: Have you well presented your situation, your feelings, ...? Often it's too hard to talk about such issues, so we don't mention much of the important info and get misunderstood and our problems underestimated.

Good luck and take care!

P.S.: And... you're very human . I have no doubts about that. Your post is a good proof of it .

[octupassrex]

interesting- no problems at all. no girl problems- like everyone else here. no academic problems- common amongst college age people- which you may be (you sound like one- which is a compliment). anyways, you seem like my kind of sod. totally successful, and still miserable as hell. i cant help you- i feel the same way- like im not really human. when i hear people that are "human", I cant stand them. I cant stand their obsession with members of the opposite sex. i cant stand their complete obsession to have their malformed, illogical invalid thoughts somehow justified- as if its my obligation to be their yes man. and don't even get me started on the f*cking clubbers- they want pleasure nodes attached to their brains a la when androids dream of electronic sheep. Oh yeah- and their slow- slow as hell- you cant even have a decent conversation with a normie without needing to repeat yourself. i dunno if your experiences are like mine, but i thought id share them. and to anyone else- if listening to me sickens you- if you cant stand what an arrogant ass i am - and i have a 4.0 gpa at uoft- so im very arrogant, than sorry. if it makes you feel any better, i hate myself more than you all ever could

[Rouler]

Hi..

Sorry, I posted this and I completely forgot it....

I wrote that text...It is just that...I don't know.

Normally I don't feel my memories as they were my memories, they are like films without a protagonist. I just forget what I say or what I do, so If I read it again, I don't recognise me--->This is why It is there as It wasn't mine.

I am just 18 years old.

I still live here, and well, my mother liked to play the poor-mother rol ("I am a poor lady that has an ill child, but I do everything I can to cure him/her"...While I wasn't ill and She didn't do anything that She said she did)

So...even when I went to a doctor, I didn't have the proper help.

I really hate this; It was like "More ill you are, better son/daughter you are". And, of course, she treats me better when I was ill.

Well; This is why I cannot be helped right now.

I am going out of here in septembre.

Though, I don't know If I can find help. Why should someone believe me?

My medical report says that I am autistic (I don't know If I have already said it) It is just because as a child I was so dysfunctional that doctors thought I had autism.

If I say "No, It is a mistake, I was diagnosed with that because...." they probably won't believe me.

It is too much. I am mentally dismembered because of the abuse and isolation (Neglection, sexual, phyisical and verbal...)

[Victimorthecrime]

Well you are very literate so something went right for you. You are an adult now so I would move out of your mom's house ASAP. Judging from what you have written it can only get better. Good luck to you!

[LaLa]

Hello again, R.!

I'm sorry you've been treated this way and feel so "mentally dismembered" .

It's at least good to see you considering getting help.

Though, I don't know If I can find help. Why should someone believe me?

My medical report says that I am autistic (I don't know If I have already said it) It is just because as a child I was so dysfunctional that doctors thought I had autism.

If I say "No, It is a mistake, I was diagnosed with that because...." they probably won't believe me.

As we don't live in an ideal world, there's no guaranty that everybody you'd talk to would believe you and help you . But I'm sure there are professionals who aren't blinded by some prejudices and who aren't lazy to examine properly your mental state and evaluate your actual needs (for treatment). I see your mistrust and your expectations of not being listened to, understood, and believed. Your experiences made you think this way; expect others not to believe you, dismiss your feelings, opinions, needs, ... . However; I wouldn't say this is "about you"; it's "about those you've had experiences with" - you're not a person not to be trusted and taken seriously, just those people used to treat you that way because of their character or the circumstances (as your mother's influence of their opinion). I think all you need is "find the right people" now and be honest with them; although all the doctors (or other people in helping professions relevant for you) probably aren't "the right", I believe (and yes; there is hope as experiences of many people convince us!) there are many professionals who do their jobs properly, so they also would treat you the right way, including, for instance, an examination of your "autistic-like traits" and all other mental issues. I hope so much you won't have to search too long for an appropriate help...

Good luck and keep posting if it feels at least a bit helpful!

[Rouler]

The problem is...finding someone that:

1. Someone that will believe me.

2. Someone that It is not lazy and really cares.

When I was in the courts and a forensic doctor examined me, she seemed to believe me, and just told me that everything was a reaction to trauma...and....that I should go away from there and live my life...

"..."

Ok. I know that.

Though, she was cold and extremely distant. The judge and the lawyer didn't believe me. Even if that lawyer was there to represent me and I was a minor (So, He should have protected my interests)

Doctors just ignored me. Some of them even encouraged my mother freaking ideas. Maybe they didn't know that all of that was a lie, other simply didn't talk to me and automatically assumed that what my mother said was true. I remember a doctor saying that I was antisocial and I needed more punishment-I was just 11 and he didn't talk to me...-

I know that there may be people that could believe me...though...It seems very dangerous to try it.

I think that If I try it and they don't believe me, I would be in a big trouble, wouldn't I?

Rouler

[LaLa]

I'm sorry, R., that you had such terrible experiences with... let's say "authorities" . It reminds me some true stories I've read about people (in my country, so in a very different environment - and yet so similar in some, very sad, ways!) who were evaluated/assessed by psychiatrists for juridical purposes. It seems to me based on what I've read that psychiatric (and "similar") assessments are often biased because the main interests are related to the "juridical issues", not to the wellbeing of the concerned person .

However, now you have finally several advantages:

Now it's only you who will present your situation to the professionals. You're 18, so your mother doesn't have to be there with you - an the lack of her interference will undoubtedly make a huge difference.

You'll see somebody to help you, not to be judged, evaluated, ... and also not to help your mother with your raising up.

You can now chose the person who'll help you. That's important. And I think it's also important not to let your negative expectations and fears to prevent you from searching until you'll find the right one.

I would encourage you to see a psychotherapist (a psychologist with a training in therapy). It seems to me you don't have experiences with any and that may be an advantage - your fears are (I imagine) not related as much to therapists as to psychiatrists, social workers, perhaps also counsellors (?). Some therapists (I don't know how many, mainly in the US) psychotherapists don't even diagnose patients, they focus on the process of healing without "labeling". Maybe that would be a comfortable approach for you (?). Therapists also should recognize the need to see a psychiatrist - so you'll see one only if a therapist recommends you to do it and you might profit from the therapy to prepare yourself for such visit - you may discuss your fears in several sesions and alleviate them before seeing the doctor.

I know that there may be people that could believe me...though...It seems very dangerous to try it.

I think that If I try it and they don't believe me, I would be in a big trouble, wouldn't I?

To be honest, I'm not sure what danger and big trouble you mean. Could you, please, explain what you expect from/after "not being believed"? In my opinion, if someone doesn't believe you, then, depending on the overall approach and character of the particular professional (= is (s)he concerned and interested in you, can you see/feel a caring attitude, can you trust her/him at least to some sufficient extent, ...), you may either stay in therapy and wait until you both begin to know you (your problems, ...) better, or you can try another therapist.

What do you think?

[Rouler]

I would encourage you to see a psychotherapist (a psychologist with a training in therapy). It seems to me you don't have experiences with any and that may be an advantage - your fears are (I imagine) not related as much to therapists as to psychiatrists, social workers, perhaps also counsellors (?). Some therapists (I don't know how many, mainly in the US) psychotherapists don't even diagnose patients, they focus on the process of healing without "labeling". Maybe that would be a comfortable approach for you (?). Therapists also should recognize the need to see a psychiatrist - so you'll see one only if a therapist recommends you to do it and you might profit from the therapy to prepare yourself for such visit - you may discuss your fears in several sesions and alleviate them before seeing the doctor.

It looks coherent and perfect, but it may be too good. I mean, I am not consistent with opinions.

Today I find it okay, even If I feel that It isn't a good idea. Tomorrow I may -or not- just get crazy about it.

Right now I feel that I am completely sane, even If I don't feel pretty well and I know that I am not sane. Tomorrow I may think and feel that I am sane; the day after tomorrow I may believe and feel that I am not sane and I should try to get help...

Today I would drive crazy If I had a diagnosis. Tomorrow I may need it. I am afraid of psychiatrist and meds (Ironically, I am going to study medical pharmacy at the university...)

My mind can completely change, I am not the same person than before. My memory sucks, so I tend to forget everything and have a new identity four times a year.

Could you, please, explain what you expect from/after "not being believed"?

I don't know.

Something dangerous and bad? I don't know what.

It is good:

It is coherent.

It may work.

It may work.

You have spent a lot of time writing it, Thanks It must be good.

It is bad: Because It should be bad *Closed in a shell* -----------> I need to think about this. I need to lock this stuff in a cage, and put it in a corner.

[LaLa]

Thanks for sharing your reactions and thoughts.

I am not consistent with opinions.

Today I find it okay, even If I feel that It isn't a good idea. Tomorrow I may -or not- just get crazy about it.

Right now I feel that I am completely sane, even If I don't feel pretty well and I know that I am not sane. Tomorrow I may think and feel that I am sane; the day after tomorrow I may believe and feel that I am not sane and I should try to get help...

I know this myself. It's often hard for me to identify what I want because it changes so much, even during one day. (Perhaps my advantage is that it doesn't concern every opinion, but...) And I also had a very similar if not the same problem with seeking help. I postponed it for many years (!) because even when I was convinced I needed it, then when the time "to act" came, I was convinced I didn't need it, that I should be able to cope myself, ... Then I was quite sad and/or angry for a long time (I still am sometimes) that I didn't see a therapist much sooner because many things could have been different, better, easier...

Yes; I also think you need to think about this . Take your time. It's not an easy decision at all...