Apathy, Lost in my head

[TheLonelyReaper]

I would like to start this off by saying thank you to whoever chooses to read it.

Ever since i was a young boy my family, mom more than the others, told me that i would grow up to be or do something great. These words sort of haunt me in a way, because i'm not doing or being anything great. Everyone i meet tells me they see compassion in me and that i am just genuinely a kind person. Well for the most part at least. I prided myself on being that kind of person for a long time, but not so much anymore. I have sort of given up. My father died when i was four years old but i didn't take it too hard. We weren't close (i hardly ever saw him) and i didn't have a grasp on what it really meant to die yet, but my mom was devastated. I remember watching her cry for some time. She eventually moved on though. After he died we moved out to New Orleans (from Tucson, AZ). That was his home town and it is where him and my mom originally met. We lived there for two years, during i became really close to my cousin who was a year older than me. He was kinda like the older brother i didn't have (I had a little sister 3 and a half years younger than me at the time). But before Hurricane Katrina hit my mom had me move back out to Tucson with my grandmother. She came home a while after i did so i lived with my uncle, grandma, sister, and two cousins who were both younger than me. Nothing really bad happens for a while and life is going on smooth. But my mom eventually started dating again When she got back to Tucson and when i was about half way though my fifth grade year she started dating the man who is my step father now. When i first met him he seemed cool and fun. I was already sorta a punk rock kid because that's what my mom was into, but he furthered my ambition for it. I lived on and off with my mom for the rest of the year and then fully moved in with her and step father. Before i moved in there was really no domestic violence or abuse, maybe like one or two verbal fights. But after i moved in with them full time with my little sister everything started taking a turn for the worst. They fought all the time, weather it just be them yelling or pushing or shoving, whatever. They were at it constantly. It just never got better and gradually got worse and worse. I was failing basically everything at school in sixth grade because i hated the school more than anything else. I got bullied a lot when i first arrived there and it sort of changed who i was. The innocent child who was a fifth grader living in a nice neighborhood was lost to this school. I was one of few white kids there so naturally i was going to catch some grief. But the other white kids there were already somewhat hardened because they had lived in the area and grew up there. Me, on the other hand, thought that everyone still played pretend games at lunch and ran around like little kids. Eventually after getting picked on so much, being the person that i was, i stood up to them and as a result i got in many fights. That's the big game changer. You really can get prepared for what it feels like to get punched in the face for the first time, but i had somewhat of an anger management issue (still do in respect to being hit) and lost it. I ended up winning that first fight and it gave me some amount of pride in myself which was new. I got in quite a few more fights thought that year and got suspended more than once for it. That aside this whole time my home life is hard as well. My parents were still fighting all the damn time. I immersed myself into video games and it helped alot. But the fights were starting to get serious at this point. There was one that i remember clearly. They were getting out of hand, throwing and breaking things, so my little sister came into my room crying. I calmed her down but then i heard my mom start to scream from the living room. That worried me and my little sister started to freak out again. I told her it was going to be alright and that i would go see if everything was ok. I opened my door and walked around the corner to the living room and my step dad had my mom in a chock hold and a knife to her neck. He looked at me and yelled to get back in my room so i did so immediately. It eventually died down because he left to go to a friends house like usual. Time went on hectic like that for some time until one summer when i wen't to go visit my family in New Orleans. When me and my little sister got off the plane to get driven home i felt something was wrong. There is always sort of a lingering heaviness when someone is holding onto bad news. We went to my uncles house instead of home and when i got inside i could feel the thick angst on the air. There were a lot of people there, almost like a party. And then we gathered everyone up in the living room for the news to be announced. my mother had died while i was away. My two cousins that were there and my little sister immediately burst into tiers and crying. Whoever, i knew for quite some time that she was going to die soon. I almost prepared myself mentally for the encounter. I ended up breaking and let out some tears so i went outside to gather myself. I wanted to be the one not to cry, the one that everyone could lean on and cry to. So i went back in with my new demeanor ready to face them and to my surprise i stopped caring. I lost the urge to cry altogether. The next year at school was rough. I moved back in with my grandma and attended the middle school there. I guess the thing to to that year was to add "your mom" to everything. That was horrible for me and i almost got into more fights, but i was able to keep my cool for the year and not lose it with anyone. Time passed seemingly effortless. And before i knew it i was in high school. Nothing to big happens here. I had a crush on a girl since seventh grade but get turned down pretty bad freshman year. I tired my luck with her again sometime sophomore year too. That ruined dating for me and i still don't try to make romantic relations anymore. Then i start smoking pot late freshman year, but not because i was depressed. I thought it was fun for a time, but that lost its charm and I went back my my online gaming. All this time the gaming helped keep me together. I got pretty good at Halo Reach for the Xbox 360 and it gave me some self worth (i ended up switching to computer gaming as of now). I ended up failing a bunch of classes and had to go to a credit retrial school. And here i am about to finish junior year. My problem is that i don't care about much anymore. I feel apathy for almost everything. I always say i'm just lazy but lately i have been questioning that. My friend from school was talking in my group about how i never come to school and he said something like "yeah, the difference between you and -john- is that john is lazy by choice, but your lazy by nature." That got me thinking really hard about why i just don't give a damn. I find myself thinking about concepts to big for myself to handle without any proper education. Like about personal morals and social standards. And I can't help but view myself as a psychopath sometimes. I don't even get fazed by these sick stories of people raping their own kids and drowning puppies in rivers. Every once in a while it gets to me but only briefly. I wonder where the person i was when everyone had hopes that i could be something went. That kind hearted, uplifting, energetic kid who was always smiling. I have become the vessel of lost memories and confused thoughts. My original intent with this post was to see if anyone could identify a mental problem or state i hold but now i'm not sure. People in my family have told me i seem depressed but i honestly don't know what depression is supposed to feel like. I got prescribed vyavanse to help me focus in school and they really help. I get this feeling of motivation that i lack when i'm off of them but when they wear off its like waking up from a good dream that you wanted to go on forever. I wish I knew what i wanted. i wish I knew what i need to do. I wish I had all the answers. I wish someone else had all the answers too. But the sad reality of this all is that it's unrealistic to hope that someone will be able to help me get away from the place i'm stuck in and change the way i am just based off this post. Don't get me wrong though, I appreciate any feed back. i would love to hear all of your opinions, and thank you for reading. ~TheLonelyReaper

[malign]

I wish _I_ had all the answers. Do you know how much people will pay for answers? :-)

You're right, though; that's not how it works. Nothing changes immediately, or without effort. Generally, it takes us years to get into trouble enough to start trying to get out, and it takes us years to figure out something that works better.

So at least you're starting young. :-)

Would it overstep a boundary to ask what your mother died of?

I can't tell you a specific "mental problem" or exactly how to change, but I can tell you that you have witnessed some unusually disturbing things in your short life, and that with neither parent living you're bound to have a harder time working your way to some kind of understanding of that. Have you been offered counseling of any kind, and would you use it if you had it? Having someone older who you can trust to talk to could be an immense help.

I hope you stick around. We're not the adrenalin rush that Halo might be, but we are human. In some universes that's a plus ...