Hello

[lifeshadows]

Hi, are people still active here and helpful? I wished to share some of my mind but I don't know where really.

[malign]

Hello. :-)

People are still active here, and helpful tends to depend on the actual interaction, so ...

Why not just start sharing what you're comfortable with, and no harm done?

[retsuud]

Yeah, let's hear what's on your mind.

[IrmaJean]

Welcome to the community, lifeshadows. :-) We are here to listen and support you when you feel you want to share.

Take care.

[lifeshadows]

So I don't know how to tell much about me, I am very shy, but I will try to talk about it, and I hope people understand.

I am going to make a fast resume about my life first and then telling my problems and feelings.

I got a sister who is a bit older than me.

Since when I was just a child, I was always alone, never had many toys to be honest, but got a video game console when I was child, just two games but was fine to me.

My father was never much around, he used to be working, and when he was not working, he was playing sports or something else with his friends, rarely at home. My mother was always working until midnight, so usually I would sleep before she gets home.

Until that I see no problem, I am a very calm person and always get used to all my problems.

On my street there were like only girls, and two guys, and both used to hit on me, be mean to me and things like that...

I was not "weak" or something, I was just too passive to start fights, and was always too afraid of my father to fight back, thinking he would hit me too if I done something wrong.

My father was very serious and always used to be mean at me and my sister, very apathetic also and used to hit us with a leather belt everytime one of us done something wrong. Yes even if my sister did, I would get hit too.

My sister was an evil person, always trying to control my life, my things, and being mean to me, always also being very mean to my mom, and very spoiled because of her aunt spoiling her all the time.

This cousin of mine was at the same age as me, but he would only play with me sister, and be mean to me, the why I never knew, I was a pretty quiet child, and would do anything anyone would ask, I always been totally cooperative with people.

I always been alone then until was seven and we moved away from that small city.

To a city where most of my father's family used to live, and I was at that time one of the youngest between my cousins, like always 3 to 6 years younger, and very innocent from a small city, while they were "evil", so they used to be mean to be, like making jokes or even dirty jokes that I wouldn't understand at that time, or their "touches".

So there, my first year studying there, I been hit a lot on school, by a guy 4 years older than me on every interval and nobody would ever help me or ask him to stop, people would just laugh and enjoy that. Once again like I said, I was more afraid of my father than him, on my mind was always that thought that my father would be mad at me and take something away from me or hit me if I made any confusion, so I just accepted getting hit, and that made me start being much more passive than before.

I've been hit on school for the next 3 years too, by the same guy and some others, mostly older too.

The only friend I made, was a guy that was only my friend to play video game with me for free, cause he didn't owned one.

This was around mid 90's.

I found out later that this "friend" of mine used to talk bad about my life to others, and he was always welcome in my house. That got me very frustrated.

I always tried to be a good person and making friends but the fact is that being shy was always hard, and people would prefer to be mean at me than friend, because I was quiet, it was easier to make fun than finding me useful for something else. Then I started gaining weight also, and feeling alone and video games was always my best way out. My father and sister always being mean to me never helped too, they are too apathic also and never understand your pain or problems, was easier to just say "you should have done better". My mother is a sweet person, but she is often put in a bad situation where she tries to be fair to everyone, and can't do much.

After those 4 bad years I changed school, and there I met new people and some from previous school. They used to be less mean to me, but still, humiliating me time to time because I fat already.

Sports? I would always been chosen after any girl, mostly I would not even been called and I wouldn't even ask for, in my mind was like "if you need me call me but I will not ask to join', I guess that was a part of my shyness of something... The fact is that I feel like if people does not call me is because they don't need me.

That resulted in being less active in school, leaving homework undone, and even class group works, nobody would ever call me to do a class work together, also a few only few used to call people to parties, like everyone on the class are invited, but of course I was feeling like it was not for me. So I would not go of course.

And like I said mostly wouldn't really come to me and invite me, and even if someone once told to go, I would not know what to do. But I always been kind of tricky with people, and used to act like I didn't wanted to do or go, never acted like being rejected and humiliated was common, I used to deal well with that for a while, acting like I didn't needed them, as a way of defense.

So my loneliness was always more. and I was always afraid that someone would offend me because I was getting fat since 9-10 years old. People used to call me "fat bag", "whale", "useless shit" and things like that, and I was only 10 to 20 lbs above, then it just helped me to get more and more weight, by being anxious and feeling like nobody liked me.

After being in the second school for 3 years, I changed to another one, and this one was by far the worse, it was high school, and everyone there have been studying together since child, so I was the new guy there, and overweight, would not help, yet shy. Just humiliated me time to time was not enough, I was also being teamed up by 10 guys to hit me every interval, yes 10 or more, they used to make a circle around me, and kick on me, just because I was fat, quiet and new.

I even made a friendship with a guy there, but he had a lot of friends and of course I was not really needed, and he would not help me also with those guys, he would stay quiet and let me get hit.

I know I tried to resume it mostly, but there are so many other things that happened to me.

I gave up studying after second year on high school, because I could not take anymore being hit and humiliated everyday, my rates was always dropping because I was not really feeling like studying, and I said my parents that I would not come back to school, they could kill me if they wanted, so they couldn't do much and I gave up really.

I started to sleep at day being awake during night, being alone, and started to be addicted to computer games instead of only my video game. It was like 2000 to 2001 and I was a teen. A teen that would never go out, that never had a girl, that didn't had friends, and always got humiliated and hit by the others.

All I always did and still do to make me feel better is play games and travel in my imagination, making my own worlds, so I am a very creative person when it comes to that.

I been then all my teenage years playing games alone home, and never going out, to me going out was bad and harmful, so staying home was better, nobody would see me, would offend me or try to hit me to feed their egos.

One year after we moved away from our house in that city and moved to the city beside.

Then until I was 20 years old everything I was doing was playing online games, alone mostly. Was always too shy to join others in game, always had a feeling of being not needed, or not enough for their needs, also my english was pretty bad, English is not my first language, so also excuse me for my bad english.

I learned most of english I know actually by playing online games to be honest.

My mom convinced me to finish the high school so I did it at night, feeling forced but feeling like I should, I just did, and my rates were excelent, like the best on the school for that period.

I was just going to finish that and nothing else, didn't made any friend barely talked to people there, was also around 320lbs, so was not easy to me, I am around 6'1 ft tall.

Getting fat every year was common for me, and being hidden too.

I used to play strategy online games and made some "internet" friends, they used to be cool at me, but also I never said who I was, they never seen me as fat, or anything else, I was hidding my identity from them, so they used to think I was not fat or something else, I was also less likely to be shy at the first years, and made some friends in the internet while playing.

I also started to play online massive games and I just made one friend in that game. Also met a girl who I suddenly said I loved her barely knew her, but she was kinda like me and we even became closer, but when it came to get "closer" I got away from her, because err I was fat and didn't wanted her to know..

Years passed and I was there doing nothing just playing games, and all my other gaming friends started to do important real life stuff, while I was still playing and getting older.

I was a totally different guy that time in the internet, hidding my body was easy, they didn't need to see my face to play with me, and I could be more talkative, but yet always was very anxious to play with them, always had a feeling I was not enough to their needs, and used to go alone myself sometimes avoiding playing important games with them, also avoid playing ranked matches with strange people because anxiety.

So well. I started a new game and met another girl, I was 22 already, and the girl was around my age, we became friends, and well I never been with a girl like I said, just that one I said previously for some months when I was 18-19. And really inexperienced, I tried to be good for her, and she used me, to get things from me even real life money.and then she used me until leaving me without saying a word, just blocking and vanishing, never ever came back to say that I was a dumb fool.

Then after that I couldn't make any new friend not even over the internet, and all other friends I made started to work and study harder and I started to be very lonely again, but this time was way more difficult to make friends... and even in games, all I could do was playing alone, I always felt bad and not enough to anyone, not even in games.

To be honest I always been a fine player, very good player, but very insecure and anxious, not letting me be closer to people.

Also another thing is that when I was very young, with all my exaggerated shyness people used to say how cute I was, and it used to blush me, and so I would do anything to look ugly, was easier for me, like doing something with my hair, not brushing teeth, etc..

Yet I was very clean person and couldn’t pass a day without a shower, but could without brushing teeth…

So during my teen years and after it was common for someone who was getting fat and not cleaning teeth, to get problems.

I used to be going always to dentists, and it was hard to me, I mean going out, anxiety… that was horrible.

Today I can’t make any new friend, games or not, I am just too on my own world, I always feel like nobody will understand me, I feel like not enough to people, I have no job, and rely on my parents to have my things, and I have nothing else than high school, so I don’t have any skills, also being above weight, is bad too and makes my anxiety increase.

Last year I was around 430lbs and after trying several ways to lose weight, I gave up and decided to go on and just be alone until I die of heart attack of something.

Suddenly I felt a light or something, and made a new and different plan to lose weight, more slowly and balanced, and It worked instead of those crazy diets, I lost 150 lbs in 10 months, and I am still losing, I am around 300lbs today, and I pretend to get to 190 or at least 220.

But even losing weight, I am almost 30 years old, no studies, no job, never been with a girl, yes never ever kissed a girl!!! I don’t have friends, and I don’t know where to start. I need to fixing my teeth this year yet, which I think it can be done, since I started to care real care of it again, and I pretend to get healthy, but yet I feel like will be always alone, I can’t trust in people, I feel like will never be enough for any woman, and I feel like will never get a good job, also I feel like if I can’t get a good job I wouldn’t be a good man for anyone, especially to have a family.

To be honest I don’t know if I really wanted to have a family or something, but deep in my mind I just wanted to be not alone, I wanted to have a good friend, that I could trust, I wanted to be with a woman that could really love me and not lie to me or use me, I just wanted to feel a bit of the life that I never felt.

I don’t really wanna be “like everyone” or normal, I really like my own way to be, but seems like it doesn’t fit anywhere, like being “uniquely different” makes people not wanting to be close to you, like for example I always been really good dealing with computers, technology and everything, but I hate social networks, and I don’t like the new technology world, like smartphones and everything is on the net, I just feel uncomfortably, and everyone uses this, I feel like isolated from the world like I don’t belong.

I think that even losing my weight, and even if I look good, I will just not fit in the world, and will not be able to make friends or make a happy life for me.

This feeling of being not good enough, this needing to be always better, always kills me.

Sometimes I feel in a prison, I feel like wanted to get away, but I don’t get aggressive, I don’t feel like I wanna kill people, or see everyone dead, I don’t feel like using people or being evil any way, sometimes I even feel like I wanted just to help people within reason, since I believe helping too much is wrong.

I just need thoughts, about what I should think or do, I don’t understand how people would deal with my behavior, I am very calm, shy, nowadays insecure, even knowing I am intelligent and smart, I actually feel not good, and lost in life.

I can talk more and make things more clearly here, I guess I just randomly talked things on my mind.

I would appreciate any help and attention, but if you feel like not, it is okay.

I just feel like I needed to talk to someone my feelings and thoughts, since I can’t talk to anyone here really and am very anxious to go out mostly because my weight.

Also sorry for the real big text.

Just to add something else...

I always feel I am in the wrong place to do things, and always feel like I know what to do but am afraid to act...

Like for example, I don't really know if this is the right place to talk about this...

I always think, really how to make friends, how to really try to, since most of people doesn't fit on my mind, I always feel people are so random around me, so cloned, and without personality, I always try to fit into society but I never feel into it, I always see things that nobody does, and see problems where people ignores and refuses to see... I feel like rebel sometimes but I passed that age long ago.. and nowadays I have reasons to believe in my thoughts.. I see too much and think too much, also this makes me too anxious.

I try to be empathic with people, but at the same time, I feel like nobody really cares about me. And finally, that is not that bad as long as I had some few people that would really be close to me I wouldn't mind to face the rest of the world for others... I just see no reason to fight sometimes like being negligent to my own needs. And I need to close my eyes to post all of this, because this is a huge break on my own privacy by myself. That is why I hope to stay as anonymous as possible.

Just to finish, I want to leave clear that I want to be someone better, I want to work, find a job, be good to someone, find a woman, but I just don't know how things will work for me. I don't know if what I got will be enough, I guess that is insecurity and distrustful on people, and I got reasons to be.

[Rose]

I know how you feel so much i used to be like that until 4th grade maybe but then things started getting better when my first 'real' friend approached me and starting from 5th grade i wasnt a lone again i was bullied and used before that some so called friends would take money from me and then even leave me a lone it was so painful, my grades were so bad starting from age 8 i was always considered the dumbest and ugliest and most annoying people used to always point out those things, i was bullied even on my dad's name and mom's weight, i even cried twice in front of everyone it was so humilating people just look for any excuse to bully you, whenever i tried to become friends with anyone i would be so creepy and annoying even people used to tell me that i was never liked also only maybe by that only friend until i changed my school i became friends with people who were with me at the old school they were really nice and we became really good friends even thou i can still know and feel that one day they looked so much down on me but i was never a shy person but even now im still not a noticable person as for my family i feel so disconnected from and kinda dislike them for some reason i always blamed all those flaws in me at them, my parents never studied for me or picked me from school they only cared about looks and going out and never really helped my dress in a neat way to look good my mom never brushed my hair it was always so shaggy to school, they never helped in me making connections with others, and i always spent my time a lone over the internet and that caused so much suffering to me and still does and how much hate and malice i have it caused my grumpy attitude which i cant control most of the time now which makes people run away from me , even between me and my friends theres still some space im not that close to them

I hope knowing that you're not the only one facing this makes you feel better and brings peace to your mind:)

[Resolute]

hi lifeshadows,and welcome to the forum.

i sympathize with you.you seem to have had a bad childhood,and bad life in general.

i think your weight-loss is a good start;keep at it.

other than that,maybe you should try decreasing your video game and internet time,and instead force yourself to leave your room,even if just a little every day.

try to reconnect with your parents and sister.specially your mother,who seems to be nicer than others to you.

after that,maybe try to make some friends (in real life) here and there.

i know it's easier said than done,but give it a shot.

good luck.

@ lawliet,

i'm so sorry to hear that.

i hope things will get better for you as well.

good luck,and take care.

[lifeshadows]

the problem is that i dont feel well going out, i live in a very dense city where you see 20 person every corner, and i feel surrounded and i feel like people were looking at me and thinking bad things about me, i feel in a hostile ambient outside, I wish I could move away to a small city, or to countryside where I could just go outside and walk...

I love playing but I don't love thaat much... I just do like forcing myself to distract, I would prefer to go out to be honest, I just can't do, I get too anxious.

Thanks very much for answering guys.

[mts]

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[lifeshadows]

I try to not think that I am old , I still believe late 20's is young, or want to believe at least that if I get healthy in the next year I can still enjoy a small portion of life that most young people seem to enjoy.

I feel like living outside the world

To be honest seeing things from outside is not really bad, but it's bad seeing totally alone, nowadays I don't even try anymore to make friends, I tried to hard in the past, and nobody seems to care, like they will not even talk back to you when you talk to them, making me feel I am not welcome.

I guess the way to go is losing all the weight you can, getting healthy, and learn to do something good, and whatever the achievements you may get or not, I think the main one is to find a way to feel comfortably.

We need to help ourselves, because seems like nobody else will, and I don't wanna feel weak or people to be pitty on me, and everytime you share a problem with them, instead of trying to understand and be on your side, people will automatically judge you as a weak person.

[Resolute]

I try to not think that I am old , I still believe late 20's is young, or want to believe at least that if I get healthy in the next year I can still enjoy a small portion of life that most young people seem to enjoy.

late 20s is not old my friend;you still have time to enjoy life.

I guess the way to go is losing all the weight you can, getting healthy, and learn to do something good, and whatever the achievements you may get or not, I think the main one is to find a way to feel comfortably.

We need to help ourselves, because seems like nobody else will,

exactly.all we can do,is our best.

take care.

[mts]

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[lifeshadows]

Yes we do need help from people.

But who does not? Some are just good hiding their problems.

We should not feel inferior to anyone because of this, but we do, I know because life shows us that the society has its patterns of perfection, that means being fat or ugly is always hard. But I hope not everyone will judge you for that, and if they do, they are not paying your bills you know, those who live happy are those who doesnt give it a matter about what others dislike on you

But when I try to make a deep reflection about my problems with society, my reason always leads me to the same place, that it was my fault to accept everything and never fight back.

I think we should fight for our place in somewhere, and make them respect you.

This is hard to find a destination, I understand what you mean, and I wrote exactly that too, you are not wrong.

[mts]

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[lifeshadows]

You can say, sometimes I confuse myself with these thoughts.

I have to agree with the smile, it's real hard

I don't know who to blame if not myself, I could blame someone else but I feel wrong to blame others you know... Maybe I should blame noone?

It was never easy to blame anything or anyone here because people would often tell me to look at myself first.

[Resolute]

You can say, sometimes I confuse myself with these thoughts.

I have to agree with the smile, it's real hard

I don't know who to blame if not myself, I could blame someone else but I feel wrong to blame others you know... Maybe I should blame noone?

It was never easy to blame anything or anyone here because people would often tell me to look at myself first.

you don't have to blame anyone.try to stop thinking about the past,and start thinking about the present and what you can do to shape your future.

[lifeshadows]

you don't have to blame anyone.try to stop thinking about the past,and start thinking about the present and what you can do to shape your future.

That sounds right

[Resolute]

That sounds right

i'm always right .