Learning Healthy Sexuality

[GraspingNEET]

I tend to have a grasp on myself & where I'm at, but I like to gage that in relation to others, so to be honest this is more of an idle post, but I am curious. I know I'm a dysfunctional wreck, (see; new members post here- trainwreck), and sexuality is as deep and complex as anything else, but I'm starting to think that my various dysfunctions in this area are starting to ammount to something simulating normalcy, and I try, but Idk.

I am a strict dominant, extreem sadist sexualy though in practice only a moderate to minor one. I do engage in what many would consider heavy though simple acts of S&M, but recently learning that one cannot legaly "consent to assult" in my home state let us leave it with saying that something akin to hemetaphilia is envolved at times.

I have looked into if not dabbled in an array of taboos and fetishes, but my true tastes remain singular. Yet I am also capable of participating in relitivly vanilla sex.

Despite this sexuality disturbs me upon anilization, the psychology and the biology, and furthermore anilization ruins sex for me in general. I find that I have 2 states in the act and one near to which, (in foreplay, etc.), detatchment, often with a loss of interrest or sexual focus with too much anilization, which also happens if I become frustrated (ex; can't get/fit it in) though I have learned to supress resentment, which took alot. Then there is driven, intent to reach my own climax, quick and to the point. I am currently trying to cultivate a healthy appriciation for the act itself through the use of a "friend", progress being so/so.

Yet I greatly enjoy play, foreplay, etc. it is usually a more anilitical thing for me though sometimes carnal, putting it more alike to my first mindstate in sex without the negitive aspects. Also, due to some pride in prowess but much more with having some honor in a "fair trade", I do try to be attentive to my more regular partners in sex & learn what I may, (what do you want, is this good, like this?) And that is amongst the reasons why some partners are regular.

I have unreasonably high standards, and, conversly, almost none at all, and even in the best of cases either introspection or more often anilization of even the most perfect of partners results in a loss of arousal, if not a vague yet pervasive disgust. When I am not driven to my own climax. This can be quite the problem.

And sinse I was young sex has almost always been for me alike to a Bret Easton Ellis expirience, minus the cash and fags, just the crushing existentialism, durring if I over think at all, and always after.

I don't even know if I really enjoy sex, its just something that I hunger for & then am determained to sate, but in short I suppose the nature of the problem is that many times I either cant get off no matter what, or I get off too quickly in my oppinion, though not "Instantly" by any means.