...

[mts]

I care too. I'm sorry man.

This might seem cliched and perhaps a silly question given some of the things you've said but have you ever tried thinking "nothing"? (Meditation)

I wish I could help ya res.

[Resolute]

thanks mts.

i've never tried meditation, due to its limited benefits, the amount of time required, and that one must make a lifelong commitment to it. in short, it's a drag.

[mts]

As someone who also lost his twenties and had a lot of trouble with distressing thoughts I would highly recommend it.

I believe it's possible to find new meaning in life this way, once the painful thoughts fade and weaken. I'm not suggesting you can't find new "possibilities" as well, just to make peace with the current situation as it is because it seems like that's a problem for you.

I'm sorry- I know I'm not qualified to give "advice" I hope you know I mean well. I won't say anymore on the subject.

[Resolute]

thanks anyway mts, but i just don't have it in me to do anything anymore. i'm glad it has helped you though.

[Resolute]

my entire life existence has been nothing but one failed attempt after another (one failed approach after another, one failed tactic after another, and one failed strategy after another) at reaching my goals, and believe me, no one (not even superman) can keep doing that forever. everyone (and i do mean everyone) has a breaking point, and mine had been reached long ago, and i still kept going despite that. but eventually i just ran out of juice.

i will always know that i gave it my best shot, and absolutely everything i've got and then some. others disagree with that statement, but i really think i know myself -and my circumstances- a lot better than anyone else on earth. after all, i'm the only one who's been with me since birth. the only one who knows my inner most thoughts, my deepest secrets, fears, needs, and desires.

cheers.

[IrmaJean]

i can't think of anything to say...just want to send along my support and care.

[Resolute]

thanks beth.

[Jeep]

There are different measures of success.

Have you thought that the fact that people here care about you means that you have had success? You have chatted and made people laugh, had arguments and discussed deep topics etc Basically reached out and formed relationships with people who value what you have to say, is that not of value?

[Jeep]

Also Jesus loves you and I hope you accept him as your savior before you spitefully destroy your body.

You know historically there are people who would have given their left nut (or if female left tit) to live in a first world country like you and to have access to the internet and everything it contains.. you have warm water and a roof over your head and don't have fleas and lice? You live like a king, better than most historic kings anway.

Just sayin' You are older and wiser than me so who am I to judge.

Whatever I sincerely wish you the best resolute.

[Resolute]

There are different measures of success.

Have you thought that the fact that people here care about you means that you have had success? You have chatted and made people laugh, had arguments and discussed deep topics etc Basically reached out and formed relationships with people who value what you have to say, is that not of value?

i don't know, maybe it's of value, just not nearly enough (for me) to make me wanna continue this miserable existence.

Also Jesus loves you and I hope you accept him as your savior before you spitefully destroy your body.

why do you assume i'm doing it spitefully? and i think you indirectly just admitted in that statement that it's strictly my body that will be destroyed, not my soul (unfortunately), and i think we both know that it's the soul that's the essence of a person, and the body is merely a vessel (in my case, a putrid vessel), in many cases a prison. my main objective is to escape that vessel/prison, and the body being destroyed is merely negligible collateral damage.

You know historically there are people who would have given their left nut (or if female left tit) to live in a first world country like you and to have access to the internet and everything it contains.. you have warm water and a roof over your head and don't have fleas and lice? You live like a king, better than most historic kings anway.

Just sayin' You are older and wiser than me so who am I to judge.

i won't get into my living conditions, but just know they're not as great as you might think, i do have some chronic illnesses, among other things. worse (or better) is the fact that i will lose even these shitty living conditions due to imminent homelessness, starvation, further humiliation, etc. (if i don't escape this reality). that's not even mentioning my long list of other problems.

that left nut/tit comment made me laugh though.

Whatever I sincerely wish you the best resolute.

thanks man, and likewise.

[Resolute]

@malign, you've yet to reply to post #47.

[Jeep]

I will pray for you and your situation resolute, take care man.

[Resolute]

thanks jeep, but my experience reveals that the more i pray for myself (or others pray for me), the worse my situation gets. i guess it's because "god works in mysterious ways", which forced me to stop praying altogether, and stop asking others to pray for me (i used to be an avid prayer, and prayer asker).

[m.allen]

...

[Resolute]

I'm not sure how qualified I am to be giving advice here either, but I will try nonetheless..

as qualified as anyone, and i sincerely appreciate your efforts.

I think in this you're the only one who can save yourself and I do believe you have that power.

i believe that the only way that 'i' can save myself, is to terminate it asap. but beyond that, the only one who could truly 'save' me, is god (since he's the one who got me in this mess, in the first place).

Meanwhile, I'll be here for you to bounce perspectives off or to just vent to if you need it.

much obliged. and for your troubles, i shall continue to to give you a hard time.

As I said before, you seem to me like a brilliant and kind person. The world is a better place with you in it and I hope you stay.

i have yet to benefit anyone during these thirty odd years (let alone the world), but even if i have/did it still wouldn't make me happy, because it's not what i seek (as i've mentioned in other posts).

Much love.

i'm blushing man.

[Resolute]

[Rayne]

Wow, I had this done plenty when I was younger; never thought a thing of it. She knew what you would do, I think. You are beating yourself up and its not needed.

[Jeep]

Also Jesus loves you and I hope you accept him as your savior before you spitefully destroy your body.

I am sorry I wrote that resolute it was crass, and more a reflection of my feelings about my own depression than yours.

But I do believe in hell and I don't want you to go there, please don't hurt yourself resolute.

[Resolute]

i wasn't upset jeep. i know you're a caring person. thank you for your concern, caring, worrying, etc..

take care.

[mts]

ah nvm

[nikki348]

You raped her. Period.

It doesn't matter that she consented at first because when she fell asleep she was not aware of what was going on so she couldn't consent. Which makes you a rapist. The circumstances do not matter at all. This was, by definition, rape.

You need to get some real help because you can't be feeling sorry about yourself on the internet and have people tell you that it's ok to be a rapist just so you know it's wrong.

[YOTH]

On 08/02/2015 at 9:27 PM, m.allen said:

I need advice from people who don't know me and have no stake in what happens to me. I feel like advice from a stranger would be more honest than the advice I've gotten from my friends and recent therapist. I don't know what to do right now, but I've been living in limbo for a long time and it's time to make a choice.

I need to know whether I should move on and forgive myself or if I deserve to remain depressed for the rest of my life, and I would like your genuine opinion on the matter if you have the time.

I'll try to be brief and as honest as possible despite my hazy memory, but this will be a long post, as there's a lot to this.

I'd like to think I've been a relatively good person my whole life. I know I've done a lot of good things like volunteering, giving to charity, helping out friends & family, being vegetarian for a while for ethical reasons I believed in at the time, turning down sex with a few girls until I was 20 because I wanted to find the right girl, and just many small acts of kindness. But I've also fucked up, and in one really bad way in particular.

I was living in Thailand for a while teaching english there and joined in on what I believe is a very sexually promiscuous culture. It seems as though sex is more open and less shamed there than it is here in Canada, for the most part. Anyways, one night I was out drinking in a city which is known primarily for it's red light district. I met a thai girl at a bar who was probably a prostitute and we got to chatting -over there it's much harder to tell if they're a prostitute or not and I'd slept with girls who were prostitutes there before without paying for it. So, we bar hopped a bit, flirted with each other and then eventually went back to her place after the sun was coming up. When we got to her room I said how exhausted I was and lay on her bed fully clothed. She said she could stay up all night again and then took off all her clothes except for a thong and crawled into bed with me. We started making out and I was fingering her for a while and then I noticed she'd fallen asleep. I shook her lightly but she didn't wake up. I remember feeling panicked and to the best of my memory I figured if I started to have sex with her she would wake up and then I could get laid before she was too far gone.

A few weeks before this I had been with a different thai girl and after I'd had sex with her once in the evening, I started to have sex with her in the morning while she was still asleep to wake her up and she woke up, and seemed into it, and it turned out great.

So, I guess I figured I'd do the same in this situation. So, I put a condom on and, as far as I can remember, discretely took her thong off since I thought it would be creepy if she woke up while I was taking it off. And then I started to have sex with her, but she didn't wake up. And then I think I thought to myself 'well I'm already having sex with her, I may as well finish now.'

From what I remember, I felt shocked that she didn't wake up and I'm 99% sure she wasn't awake at any point during it. I do also remember thinking 'I better move her around so tomorrow I don't think I was being too discreet' so I made some mild attempts to wake her. Also, I do remember feeling aroused by it in some way, exactly how though I can't say for sure. And I do remember the fear of 'what if she wakes up and thinks I'm raping her' going through my head.

So, then I finished and checked the condom and it hadn't broken or anything (I was paranoid of that at the time), and I left. I remember worrying that she would ask me for money in the morning and that was a big reason for me leaving. Sometimes thai girls do that to foreigners despite not mentioning money at all the night before. It had happened to me twice before and I don't ever want to pay for sex. Also, I had a bad feeling after it was over, which was probably my suppressed guilt, and that's also why I left. As well, it was the morning after being up all night having drinks and I really wanted to sleep in my own bed, so that might have been another factor. Either way, I know afterwards that I was glad that she didn't have my number because I felt really guilty and ashamed about what had happened.

At the time I had a lot of shit on my mind and I guess I just sort of pushed it to the back burner. It wasn't until much later that I really truly comprehended what I had done and by that time when I did fly back to Thailand to try and find her I couldn't locate her.

I feel awful about what I've done. This action went against everything I thought I believed about myself. Sometimes, to be honest, I think about suicide. But I know how devastating that would be to my friends and family, and I wonder if I could ever actually bring myself to do it, and what good it would actually bring.

I want to learn from this, move on and be an amazing person. To use this as a catalyst for living a life putting tons of good into the world. I'm pursuing a career in emergency services, thinking I would gladly put my shitty life on the line for others. But I just don't know if it's right to just move on and forgive myself for such a terrible action.

Sometimes I realize shitty things about myself as well that might have contributed to it and further make me wonder if I can actually move on and forgive myself for this.

I realize now how sexually perverted I am. I've masterbated over some porn I'm not proud of, on a few occasions over girls that were highly highly questionable in age. I've had inappropriate sexual thoughts pop into my head that I'm ashamed of and have masterbated over a handful of times. One time about a year ago I was laying in bed and stressing on what happened with that girl for a long time and then I think as a means of escape I started to masterbate to take my mind off of it, but then ended up masterbating over a weird rape scenario which really terrified me and made me question who I was. But beyond this incident all my sexual encounters throughout my life have been normal, and I know I would rather set myself on fire and jump off a building than have sex with a child or rape a girl. But I fear these perceived sexual perversions played a role in what happened that night.

I realize as well how I have this weird sense of thinking people that can't speak english well are stupid, even though that's a ridiculous concept. And I think I am a bit racist on some level. I don't want to be, but I can't help but think less of 2nd & 3rd world cultures. I think of them as less intelligent. I don't want to think this way about these things and I try not to, but I have to be honest as recognize that those notions are there, and that those thoughts maybe played a role in what I did to that girl.

Finally, one of my biggest fears; that on some level I didn't care if she woke up or not when I started to have sex with her. I'm 99.99% sure that I did think she would wake up initially, but there is that lingering doubt there. What if I was apathetic and felt entitled? I'll never know with 100% certainty that I didn't think that way. And I'll always have lingering doubts as to why I was so discreet in taking her thong off and why I didn't try harder to wake her up.

So, that's it. Excluding this, I've lived a decent life and now I want to be an amazing person and feel like I can be if I let myself move on. But in the face of this terrible act, which has potential to be even worse with a lot of 'what if's', I'm not sure I deserve to forgive myself and move on. or even live.

I'm having a hard time deciding this on my own and feel like I need some completely outside perspective. Do you think I should forgive myself and move on or do you think a lifetime of depression is warranted for my actions?

Thanks is advance for anyone who takes the time to read this and respond.

Quite possibly the most honest thing ever written from the male perspective. If people were truly honest, we'd see the deepest pits of Ego and realise that our actions don't define us, our mind defines us. If you hit your head and lost your memory, you'd feel no guilt or shame, both of which are Ego concepts. Try reading The Disappearance of The Universe. It truly changed my life. I spent my youth doing really questionable things, it took this book to make me look, wait, and not judge it. Peace, brother. 

Edited August 8, 2016 by Bodie
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