A sudden but higher realization

[reitso]

I was inspired by another post here by a fellow member -IR radiation-, so I decided to rethink about my mindset and unexpectedly some issues surfaced; issues I thought of as CONCLUDED, but they seem not to really have been; since it seems to be a big post I will isolate different issues in separate paragraphs -sorry for my chemist/pharmacist-like expressions-

#1 My penis: this issue surfaced by the age of 8, I think; when I started being sexually active; I engaged in lots of same-sex activities -sexual for sure I am living in a third world country, just think about a ghetto place and that will pretty much be it-; as my other post suggests I felt extreme inadequate down there; it was the shortest and the thinnest back in the day at least -I am not sure of now-; my inadequacy was shifted into self hate after I was used by a babysitter/child caregiver, in 2003/2004 and raped by 4:6 high-school juniors 1 years later -forced falletio, dry humping and beating- later I was so into watching porn that I was absorbed by it; my factual introduction was indeed by that child caregiver, but I didn't really understand a thing during that time, I just watched it with her and did to her what she asks; I watched for the faps and to learn -any of my family members wasn't an option-; I was fed by a higher state of inadequacy -interracial porn ruined me-; a preteen/early teen comparing himself to porn-stars -an unfair challenge and even more unfair when the black stereotypes are taken in consideration, but tell me back then- I was disturbed by some questions? why my member is tiny? why it's not straight like those I'm seeing and have seen? as I grew up I learned about the tricks they use in the porn industry, and that statistically I am gifted in length and normal in girth and can get around it through implants; I also found out that all those years I have watched around 13 terabytes of porn videos -not including pictures-; but you know confidence is from the inside, so I know facts and info; HOWEVER, the void has devoured something in; I don't feel but inadequate and unworthy of girls.

#2 My sexuality: getting turned on is not a problem of the most; not mine neither; however in public, with real people,yeah it is; not only I am picky but also fear blocks me; fear of disapproval, segregation, discrimination; peers, parents, and society don't approve gay relationships, and the obvious from #1 I utterly afraid to ask out any girl or even getting near them; but now I am no more of afraid, just more of down; left the competition. Let girls find better men while I conceal my last piece of respect I may have from this competition, which I am not qualified to enter; I used to think I am straight and that all my homosexual encounters in the past was experiencing my sexuality; I know girls turn me on but I don't know if the extreme hardness to get a hard on by girls is out of being gay or being afraid; since I never out of this fear, I don't know. I am just sure I am turned on by both sexes so maybe I am a bisexual? dunno!

#3 Incestual feelings! that's fucked up and I know it, but I am sexually attracted to my mother from the age of 7 until now, and I'm 19 years old; however I would never bang my own mother and I won't even try; not just because I am afraid of her like other woman, but also because I know she don't share this feeling to me and that she is my mother; I also understand its even more evolutionary fucked up to be my own mother's lover because wasn't only one version of some shit like me enough for this world, and also their will be a 75% chance for my offspring with her to be as worthless as I, unlike a maximum 50% if it was another girl out of my entire family; just I will never do it with my mother; but I can't deny the fact I WANT her, and I don't really know what to do about it.

#4 My past, I'm not alone! I only remembered the "getting-raped" incidents of my childhood nearly a year an a half ago when some online troll sent me a video in which a child was being used. I opened it unsuspecting, and this Filipino child-caregiver face haunted my vision; I re-experienced all of what happened in the past; a year later, I understood that the video actually freed memories, which my brain suppressed to ease my trauma -as I was taking a course in psychology-; as tears, which also screwed my vision, was running down my cheeks, I said to myself: "I wasn't alone, this child, too, is being used and I can't help it. what a cruel life -I was mortified-"; I wasn't afraid of carrying the video because DUH I'm in a third-world country, but I deleted it since the unease it have driven me into is beyond expressions -I don't ever want to relive my past-; I don't really know why? but I feel bad, really bad....like I another child will be as ruined/worthless as me and feel the void, which I thought I am alone of having all those years; LOSS!

[infrared_radiation]

Interesting post. And certainly you have issues same as pretty much everyone who is on this site. Thank you for at least sharing your issues.

Which country are you living in?

It's strange, but I don't actually watch that much porn anymore. Not videos, anyway.

I am beyond the point of feeling anger. Don't have the energy to, especially when I work five days a week and have to do everything around the home as well.

But I still just think, why?

Why was I born a white male?

Who in their right mind would want to be white and male?

Why would you want to be sexually inferior?

Could my parents have not shown some consideration that it would have caused me this EXTREME TRAUMA to be CONSTANTLY REMINDED of the sexual worthlessness of being white and male?

[reitso]

Interesting post. And certainly you have issues same as pretty much everyone who is on this site. Thank you for at least sharing your issues.

Which country are you living in?

It's strange, but I don't actually watch that much porn anymore. Not videos, anyway.

I am beyond the point of feeling anger. Don't have the energy to, especially when I work five days a week and have to do everything around the home as well.

But I still just think, why?

Why was I born a white male?

Who in their right mind would want to be white and male?

Why would you want to be sexually inferior?

Could my parents have not shown some consideration that it would have caused me this EXTREME TRAUMA to be CONSTANTLY REMINDED of the sexual worthlessness of being white and male?

I feel anger but I don't have time to show it; and you know what sucks the most? Feeling you were introduced to a game that you are meant to lose.