lost and miserable

[adej]

Hey about 8 months ago two men broke into my home.

Luckily I survived but unfortunately due to some substance abuse at the time, I literally was cleaning up the crime scene within hours and insisted that I be allowed to return to work in 3 days.

Due to the type of people I associated with at that time I didn't receive support. One friend showed up and when I kicked her out she started screaming that I deserved it deserved to die etc. Another told me I was parasitic and should kill myself. My "normal" friends disappeared. After 7 months of not sleeping waiting for them to return and extensive "fake it get over" it conversations from my boss I moved home. I had a panic episode with new boss in which she called me schizophrenic etc which has thrown me into a hell of depression and self hatred I've never had before. A therapist has diagnosed me PTSD and recommended a 3 month leave. After 2 and a half weeks I will not be paid (meaning in homeless in a month) so I am returning against her advise. In not sure how I can even muster up enough care to "fake it" in order to keep my job. I honestly am so homesick, confused, disgusted and hopeless at this point i just want it to effing stop.

[IrmaJean]

Welcome to community, adej.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I feel we all need support and especially so during very difficult times. I'm sorry your friends were not supportive or there for you when you needed them. Do you have any family you can talk with and share feelings? Are you still seeing your therapist? You've been through an awful experience and you need support, understanding, and compassion. I hope you won't judge yourself.

Going back to work so soon must be very difficult. Are you able to also take some time to breathe and practice self-care?

We are here to listen, adej. Take gentle care of you.

[retsuud]

Hi adej.

Do you still use drugs? Why do you think you became full of self-hatred? Only because your boss called you a schizophrenic, or are there other reasons?