Lost years... Can't heal

[Slave]

Hello

This is the first time ever i'm talking about this to anyone. My eng is not really good so pls bear with it lol

This is another "big nose" story but with lil difference cos i'm a man (i guess this is mostly "girly" problem)

It's not looking issue. I was never handsome man i never will be and i'm fine with that. I'm not fine when people are trying to help me with (really) low sef confidence and i can't really tell them why anything they say can't help.

So yeah...

I was born with pretty normal nose but really soon (like 4 ys old) i broke it (but really boke, i could see inside my nose lol)

2-3 years after i did it again! lol And again looool

Anyway...

When i was little my nose was "fine" but as i started to grow my nose did to and pretty soon it became huge!

7th grade or so, when i just started to hit puberty (worst time possible) it begins!

Everyone in class started to make fun off me, calling me any big nose name you can think of.

That happen every day of my life! I was skipping school here and there just to give myself a break, but it didn't help cos all i did (staying home or wandering around the town) was crying or cursed God that made me this way or even stare in the mirror and literally feeling sick with image i see in it.

I think i delt with abuse the wrong way cos i picked "happy go lucky" attitude to show people i don't care and it doesn't bother me.

In one way i'm happy cos of that cos it gave me (and im aware of that) that "magnetic" personality + humble and compassion

Yeah pretty soon i became class president and all...

But on the other hand it seemed to people that since i don't care they can still make fun of me and they did.

I learned to deal with it with my classrom friends but since whole school (or it seemed that way) was "against" me it was just to much.

High school was even worse.

Especially after couple of fights where i got my nose broke again lol

Not only making fun of me but since i "didn't care" they assumed i was weak so they started to spit on my back during class cos i guess thats funny to

Funny, i was again elected to be class president (yes president of that horrible class lol)

Anyway here's couple of anecdotes (but keep in mind stuff like that happen to me on a daily basis for 10+ years)

I remember one time at handball practice, female handball team saw me and all of them, WHOLE team start singing Pinokkio (song from popular band here).

My team mates were really stupid and wondered wtf was that all about but i knew...

On school trip one girl i saw for the first time in my life (girl with glasses big as ashtrays!) started to point at me and lough saying i can open cans with that thing (lol funny, but funny now not then)

Ofcourse when i was passing by people idk sitting on the bench or whatever i looked the other way, that habit stayed with me to this day...

My girlfriends father started to draw pictures of me and tape those pictures in her room lol

Once (before she became my gf) she went with her friends on summer vacation. When she came back she told us (my friends and me) they were bored so they started to imagine and acting how guys (from our group of friends) look like when they're "making love".

She showed us ofcourse lol and when they asked her to show them how i look she turned around and asked me do i want to show me how i look when i'm "making love" with my **** or with my nose... Even her friendes thought thats inappropriate....

And yeah i started (and still am lol what an idiot) dating this one lol

Biggest deal was when my little sister came home crying and said everybody makes fun of her cos of me and she is ashamed i'm her brother! I can't resent her cos she was really young but ain't that kick in the head? lol

My father and mother kept quiet (i think they were lil bit shocked to) and i did my thing, pretending it doesn't bother me, but truthfully that day part of me died...

I had a nose job couple of years later and when i finally started to "breath" again (doctors said i can't brake my nose for atleast a year) 6-7 months after that group of skinheads broke my nose again lol So here we go again. Its not that bad as it used to be but its still pretty bad + emotional scars just don't want to heal

Even now when i hear people laughing i think they are laughing at me. I'm still turning my head around passing by. And self confidence is 0

I got this personality that idk in 5 min knowing me people LOVE me and i'm aware of that (thats so cocky to say but its true)

I'm a so so successful musician. If you watch any reality show or shows like idk CSI, Navy CIS, Burnt Notice chances are you heard my music.

Also DJ-ing in practically all clubs in my town

I bought a house with jacuzzy and all other unnecessary things with cash! (no credit, mortage or anything)

So at the moment i'm living a dream

I thought that could gave me some self confidence but nah

Still feeling inferior comparing anyone i do or do not know.

Still have a same girlfriend! Yes the same one that hurt me on couple occasions.

People ask me why i don't merry her i don't know what to answer...

Honesty i know, its because i want something else, something better but still think and always will NOONE wants to be with me + feeling some strange gratitude cos she was willing (and still is) to be with me when i was "nobody" and when noone else didn't want to be with me + i'm 30 i'm affraid its to late for me now...

So yeah... This is a good example how bullying and entall abuse can screw you'r life and nomather what you do later in life you'll not get better

[Victimorthecrime]

;-(

[LaLa]

Hello, S., welcome!

I'm sorry you've been suffering all those years and still can't find "peace of mind" and confidence .

I'm not fine when people are trying to help me with (really) low sef confidence and i can't really tell them why anything they say can't help.

Yes, we can't gain self-confidence and self-esteem just by listening to such comments . Yet we "let" other type of comments (those you mentioned - making fun of you etc.) destroy our self-confidence and self-esteem completely . Even though it's "natural"; doesn't it feel at least a bit insightful to realize this absurd paradox? Could it be a part of the motivation to somehow "let go" the past comments of others? It can be done only rationally (-by "the rational part of" the brain) and the emotional damage would still stay to be healed, but... to find new, better ways of thinking about the past is also important.

I think i delt with abuse the wrong way cos i picked "happy go lucky" attitude to show people i don't care and it doesn't bother me.

Could you explain why you think that was "the wrong way" and what would be "right" according to you, now?

I don't think it was a wrong way. (BTW; it reminds me of the film The Imitation game - how the main character as a child discovered that the best thing to do when bullied is to stop showing one's suffering, then the bullies stop enjoying it.) And you cannot know: Perhaps (I think that very probably) it would have been much worse if you reacted otherwise. If nothing else, you would, in addition to those bad feelings, feel ashamed for your expressions of embarrassment or of anger and violence (many bullied children become bullies themselves, but it does make feel them even worse about themselves in the long run). It's also very probable that this attitude of yours has enabled your success in life and your popularity among people who know you now. You may ask what it is good for when you can't enjoy it. Of course "learning to enjoy your life", making it better, and getting at peace with your past is the aim. But... do you think you would probably be in a better position if you wasn't successful, rich, and liked by your friends? Would that prevent your past from haunting you?

So... if I say that your reactions to the abuse weren't wrong, does it mean there's nothing you could do better and that the experiences have had to predetermine you "forever"? Of course not. I hope you feel hope, too - and the fact that you wrote this post and shared your story is, in my eyes, one of the proofs that you do .

It seems to me that the problem might be mainly that all those years, you didn't have an effective way to "deal with" your real emotions - those you were so good at hiding from the bullies and from your family. It was good not to please them by showing your distress, but... it wasn't good for you not to express and "process" the distress, all the feelings, in a safe, understanding, and supporting environment. (For instance, often talking openly with your parents (or with a psychologist) and receiving a useful feedback and support might have helped.) But it's not too late to do all this work. I think it might help you a lot. I'm "a general proponent of" psychotherapists , so I would recommend to try therapy, but... if that wasn't an option, I hope some other ways would be available.

For instance; what if you tried to have a serious conversation about this all with your girlfriend? I think this could be very important mainly for the relationship:

I'm not surprised at all you're reluctant to marry her. I suppose (1) she's a constant reminder of the past, (2) you have never opened up to her with your deepest feelings and hidden problems, so you've never experienced true intimacy together, and (3) she's in a position of "the only person who would ever want/love me", so staying with her means also keeping your conviction that nobody else would love you.

These 3 points are, IMHO, good reasons to break up with her and free yourself to gain new experience that would also improve your self-esteem. However, I'm not recommending you to break up! Just to ... try and find out what you really want and why. And having the conversation about the feelings and problems you described in your post would be a great opportunity to find out something very important: Can you two be close enough and intimate enough, can she be accepting, supportive, and helpful in such situations (-when you tell her something like that), does she want and love also "the real, hidden, you"? If yes, then you're very lucky and you'll probably get much help from her. If no, then... it might be a reason to break up.

"In the meantime", would you describe your relationship with her? How satisfied are you and how satisfied does she seem? What are you getting from it? Do you somehow suffer in it?

I wish you good luck and I'm looking forward to your answers.

And... I also recommend you to watch these (about bullying, from somebody who was bullied as a child):

[Slave]

Thank You so much for your answer!

Like i said i NEVER told this to ANYONE so your answer puts you in "special" people in my life! Congratulation! haha

And now to answer

"Yes, we can't gain self-confidence and self-esteem just by listening to such comments . Yet we "let" other type of comments (those you mentioned - making fun of you etc.) destroy our self-confidence and self-esteem completely"

Yeah because you see...

Even though negative comments and stuff were made in extremely rude way, they were not lieing.

I was able to see myself, i know thats that and thats the truth.

And even though nose is not that bad anymore comforting comments can be and are taken as lil white lies to try to make me feel better.

"Could you explain why you think that was "the wrong way" and what would be "right" according to you, now?"

Yeah think about it it was the right way cos not only i taken away some of "bullies" power it made me who i am now

I got really great sence of humor.

I guess i got it cos it was one more defense mechanism. Cos i was able to "abuse" the "abuser" with words. But again even though i got that small victory after that i still was more affected by his words then he was by mine.

And i got the ability to read people in 1 min or so

Lately, and just lately i started to experiment and "abuse" that "power" cos if my personality isn't enough after "reading" i say/do exactly what they want so i lock them up completley lol

And its fun! Really fun!

And yeah that (and everything else you said) opend alot of doors for me

So yeah "It seems to me that the problem might be mainly that all those years, you didn't have an effective way to "deal with" your real emotions" is 100% correct

Problem is i still don't have any effective way or even know how could/should i deal with that now.

Therapy is maybe best way to go and i'll probobly do it. I don't know why i never did... Probobly because its still not that "mainstream" here.

But yeah i wish i could atleast once just beat the ish out of them or brake and cry. Whatever just to let them know how much they hurt me.

Cos all of them are now normal serious and most of them good people that moved on while i stayed, and they don't and will never know the impact they have/had on me.

Cos even now idk here's newest example

Local newspaper made an interview with me and wanted to take picture of me and i refused and gave them my company logo instead!

And best thing of it all i know i'm not THAT bad looking. Even that f****ng nose is not that bad anymore for God sake i'm a man, who knows maybe it fits me now (almoast posted a picture here but i'm affraid maybe here's someone i know and that'll be to embarrassing lol)

But yeah even knowing that i didn't allow them to take the picture(s)... Thats how much i'm srewed

Btw i'm not rich...lol Far from that. I'm doing fine but i'm not rich in any way

"For instance; what if you tried to have a serious conversation about this all with your girlfriend? I think this could be very important mainly for the relationship:

I'm not surprised at all you're reluctant to marry her. I suppose (1) she's a constant reminder of the past, (2) you have never opened up to her with your deepest feelings and hidden problems, so you've never experienced true intimacy together, and (3) she's in a position of "the only person who would ever want/love me", so staying with her means also keeping your conviction that nobody else would love you.

These 3 points are, IMHO, good reasons to break up with her and free yourself to gain new experience that would also improve your self-esteem. However, I'm not recommending you to break up! Just to ... try and find out what you really want and why. And having the conversation about the feelings and problems you described in your post would be a great opportunity to find out something very important: Can you two be close enough and intimate enough, can she be accepting, supportive, and helpful in such situations (-when you tell her something like that), does she want and love also "the real, hidden, you"? If yes, then you're very lucky and you'll probably get much help from her. If no, then... it might be a reason to break up."

Are you psychotherapist to? Cos you totally "guessed" everything right

"In the meantime", would you describe your relationship with her? How satisfied are you and how satisfied does she seem? What are you getting from it? Do you somehow suffer in it?

This is really complex situation.

She really loves me now, i'm sure. And i love her to but not in THAT way.

She was with me when i was at my worst and my best and she is with me for such a long time that if we brake up i'll feel like i lost a familly member. So its like familly love, not LOVE love

Cos of that i'm sure she can't really be satisfied completly cos i act like she's familly yeah... I don't have to do anything and she will still be here

+

Yeah she is a constant reminder of my past

+

she's in a position of "the only person who would ever want/love me"

+

I feel i owe her. When noone wanted or wants to want/love me she was and is here so if i broke up with her i would feel like i taken her "best" years of her life and leave her completly alone.. I just can't do that

+

with my self confidence i just can't/don't see how would anyone else be with me if its not cos of some joke ot bet or something lol

Anyway yeah i think therapy is the way to go. I didn't even think about it untill yesterday after i post my first message.

Posted and it felt good!

I could've said alot more cos this definitely isn't everything but my limited english dont allow me... But even this is was major relief

Like i said no conforting advices can help me, nothing can help me

I really do think my story is a "good example how bullying and mental abuse can screw you'r life and nomather what you do later in life you'll not get better"

But just posting about it, just typing about it felt so good

Getting an answer felt even better. So again thank You very much

I'm of now to check videos you posted

[Slave]

F***

2 min in first video and i'm really "heartbroken" again

[LaLa]

I'm so very glad to hear you're feeling better after posting your story and that you've found my comments helpful .

No, I'm not a therapist or "anything like that" (I just was in therapy for 2 years myself).

It's great that you are motivated to try therapy, it really can be helpful with such issues! Don't get disappointed if the first (/first 2-3) therapist(s) isn't/aren't "a good fit"; it may sometimes take tome time to find "the right" person. Anyway; good luck!!

F***

2 min in first video and i'm really "heartbroken" again

I'm sorry. I'm not sure how you mean it, but I hope the video didn't affect you in a bad way...

I'm sorry I don't have much time now, so that's all for today, I hope I'll post someday more later.

Take care!

[LaLa]

I have a little time now, so two things:

Even though negative comments and stuff were made in extremely rude way, they were not lieing.

I was able to see myself, i know that and thats the truth.

The problem is you have thought that "the truth" was that "your nose is horrible, it's something to be ashamed for, something that can be laugh at, ..." That's why it affected you so much. (Would you feel the same if they were making fun of your... let's say hair, knowing that your hair was totally "normal / usual"?) But in fact, "the only truth about your nose" was that it was bigger than the nose of everybody else you knew. No value, no judgement. Judgements are not "truths", only opinions or prejudices. A part of the therapy should probably be to accept your nose (as it was), to get rid of the judgement and to recognise ("emotionally", not only rationally) that people have the unfortunate habit to make fun of almost everything that is unusual and seem strange, not realizing how much harm they are causing.

And something much less important: Here is a test you might take - it occurred to me because I'm curious which "type" according this test you are (I think I can guess it, so I'm curious if I'm right or not):

http://www.cbc.ca/radio/thecurrent/the-current-for-july-6-2015-1.3139448/me-myself-and-us-how-our-personalities-shape-our-lives-1.3139487

BTW, the interview you can listen to there is quite interesting, so if you have some time... (It's not related to bulling at all, no worries.)

[Slave]

I'm sorry cos of late reply.

Anyway i'm starting my "therapy" next week and really looking forward to it (even though i'm a lil scared)

Video heartbroken me cos he was describing exactly my feelings.

But he described everything. Even "but at night when the other slept"... Cos yeah when the other slept i was doing my music + still doing it cos my time zone is completly different than in USA and basically all my "biz" is in/with US

Btw my result was

If you scored over 50%, you are a "high self-monitor":

High self-monitors (HSMs) are concerned about how others see them, and they behave so as to reflect the norms and expectations of the situations they enter.

If you scored under 50%, you are a "low self-monitor":

Low self-monitors (LSMs) are less concerned with how others view them and are guided in their behavior by their own traits and values rather than situational expectations.

You scored 89%!

[LaLa]

Thanks for your news and info!

Good luck with therapy!!