I know this is long but please help me, I'm falling apart

[cryptogamae]

I'm currently off work with "generalised anxiety disorder", which my doctor just wrote on my first sick note over a year ago and it's been the same since. I've not been diagnosed with anything, despite feeling there is something very wrong with me and asking to see someone who can tell me.

I feel like I'm being forced to go back to work, when I'm nowhere near ready. We're struggling to survive on my boyfriend's wage, but he said we can't go another month like this, and we might have to lose the house. I'm so angry because I've just found out my employer should have given me an SSP1 form when my SSP ran out, which would have meant I could've submitted a claim for ESA, but instead I've been literally losing the will to live over this. My mum had to buy my food shopping yesterday, which was demoralising,

I have a meeting on Wednesday with HR, and I don't know what to say. Should I mention the form? I don't want them to stop me coming back to work because they think I'm just doing it for the money (which I am, I can't lie). But if I'm honest and they do go through the process what if it takes too long and I'm on the street before my claim goes through? I feel it’ll be all my fault. I know deep down somewhere it shouldn’t be, but no one’s helping me and all the pressure is falling on me to be “not ill”, which is not just something I can switch off, but that’s what’s causing all this. It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong, and no one’s jumping in to tell me I’m wrong, that something should be done for me, so I just feel like a useless burden.

I had a CPN for a little while but she was useless (extremely late or didn't show up, did the complete opposite of what I'd ask), but she discharged me back to my GP, who doesn't know what to do with me now. I feel like I'm drowning and I just have no idea what to do. The only reason I'm still here is because I couldn't do it to my boyfriend, but it's no life living for someone else. I'm just hurting so, so much and I don't know how much more I can take.

[LaLa]

Hello, Cryptogamae, welcome!

I'm so sorry you're in this difficult situation and without professional help... Why is it that you've not been referred to a psychotherapist and a psychiatrist? Could you get there, could you enter psychotherapy that would help you with managing and healing your anxieties and other mental problems? It they are left unresolved, there's probably little hope you'll just get better without any "intervention" (unless you'll decide to change your life completely yourself - some people can do it, it seems, but... I think most of us need help)...

However, you're still also relatively lucky - you have a loving boyfriend and mom who can support you. I see it can feel bad, but... it's a luck and you need to feel and realize you're worth their love and help.

I think it would be important for you to try to keep the job as long and you can and do everything you can to heal and be able to work again. Can you talk about it with more people (family and friends)? Perhaps they could give you some practical advises...

Don't worry about "talking in a depressive way"; it's OK to show others (who are close to you or who are on a forum like this) how you really feel.

I'm sorry I don't have much time and even don't really know now what more to write .

Good luck to you and take care!

[mts]

Probably not helpful...

[cryptogamae]

Hi LaLa, thank you for replying.

When I first went to my doctor this time I asked to see a psychiatrist. I've seen one before when I was 15, but asked to be discharged because I was still living with my family who made me feel guilty about being ill, and pressured me to stop seeing them. However, when I asked this time I was told "we don't really do that any more". Finally I got so bad that I was referred to the CPN, who could have referred me to a psychiatrist if she'd wanted to, but she basically told me there was nothing wrong with me, then she discharged me. I think my GP is powerless because the referral would have to come through the CPN, and since she's sent me back to them there's not much else they can do. At least I think that's how it works; they don't really make any of it very clear and it's hard to navigate. I just feel like no one believes me and thinks I'm making it all up.

I really appreciate my boyfriend every day, I do. I know I'm not an easy person to be with, and sometimes I feel my illness puts a wedge between us, but I think he's a strong person for sticking with me. I know it's his choice to be with me but I feel so guilty for being with him. I think I've held him back and his life would have been much better if he never met me. I do try and remember you can't change the past so there's no point in dwelling on it. But still.

I've never been close to my family, and I've realised that I suffered a lot of emotional abuse, especially from my dad. I have no friends, which is my fault because I just end up hating everyone, and since I rarely leave the house it's hard to keep up relationships, you know? I have been to a crisis centre a few times and they were really helpful, so I do have somewhere to go if I'm really desperate, which is good. But as to day to day communication I really only have my boyfriend.

Thank you for taking the time to talk to me, I don't mind if you don't know what to say. Just knowing someone's listening is comforting, and I appreciate your advice.

[LaLa]

Probably not helpful...

I'm sorry you deleted what you wrote here, mts ...

Cryptogamae, I'm sorry it's all so confusing and you feel like no one cares . It's sad that the health care system has so many flaws and often they even don't do what could be done just because of human error or... lack of care .

I don't say you surely have "a psychiatric condition" - perhaps the CPN is right and you don't. But "a psychiatric diagnosis" isn't the only reason to need psychological help! And there's no doubt you need that.

I think what you'd need the most is psychotherapy ("talking therapy"). Judging by your latest post, you have a lot of childhood issues and emotional burden from family relationships. There're no pills to heal that; you need to talk about it and "work it out" .

I know the system is complicated, but... there has to be a way to find out how you could receive psychotherapy (hopefully reimbursed by the health insurance, but... if not, it would probably be a good investment to pay for it yourself). I suppose they could help you with figuring this out at the crisis center - they should have the info...

Take care!

Edited July 28, 2015 by LaLa
I noticed and corrected some of the mistakes