Hello again everyone. It's been about 3 months since I last posted so I thought I'd pay the forum a visit. I'm hoping you're all in a reasonably stable place while reading this, seeing as we're all in the abyss of life. It's about 11 pm here as I write this. I'm getting ready to watch a film called "The Boy" - a thriller/horror in which a babysitter is asked to look after an old couple's child at their mansion in the country, only to find that this child is in fact a peculiar looking porcelain doll. (I feel like I should have been paid for that).
Anyway, not a whole lot has happened in my life. I'm still very much in my glum moods these days, lending thanks to unfortunate circumstances and my dark outlook on life. There have been some improvements whilst some setbacks, so nothing new on that end of the stick.
My brain health has continued to improve, and I do believe I'm at the best I've been in a decade or so. However, my memory tests are still fairly poor and I know that my processing abilities have not yet been fully recuperated. It's a mixed bag on this end but I am enjoying steady progress.
I do have other health issues bringing me down, including chronic fatigue system and narcolepsy which is a kick in the balls. It really does bring down my mood and makes the waking moments far more painful than they should be. I have less energy in the tank and feel exhausted when others are still alive and kicking. What a bitch right? I can't enjoy myself and unwind the way others can after a long day.
Work is generally good. I'm on an intense but rewarding project so I do get to feel some sense of accomplishment and all that new age bullshit. However the fatigue does really interrupt this. Also, I continue to suffer this generic aversion to work which manifests itself as anxiety while I'm doing my thing. I still bbelieve that the 40 hour week is unnatural and unhealthy, and being a CFS sufferer makes it way worse.
So yeah. I'm still very much depressed and I suffer from a few anxiety disorders aswell as having SPS. I'm melancholic, withdrawn from reality, and I over-think everything. I think that the pursuit of happiness is nothing more than a wasteful and perilous journey, which can only be achieved through delusion and complacency. So feeling sad really isn't my biggest problem, I have felt this way since childhood.
Life as a whole is shit, I must admit it. I do try to enjoy little moments when I can but they are few and far between. I think that I simply refuse to sugar coat the bad and though this serves well in assuring I'm free of delusion and fantasy, it leaves my sensitive temperament exposed to the turbulent and dark world. There's really not much more to say. I'll be posting more frequently.