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Showing content with the highest reputation since 05/17/2008 in all areas

  1. 261 points
    Lone Horseman

    Another 26 year old virgin

    Just posted some of this in the New Members thread, but I figured it was more appropriate here. I turn 26 this month and got here from the 26 year old virgin advice post when googling it on a whim. It is helpful to read how other people feel and are dealing with similar issues. First off to explain where I am: As I said I am a 26 year old male virgin, and (as others here have also said) I have never kissed a girl and never been in a real relationship. I understand the majority of my problem stems from a lack of self-esteem, but I fear the longer this continues, the less likely I will ever have sex. I have no moral objections to losing my virginity. Up to a point in my life, I would say I wanted to wait till marriage, I came from a very religious family, but I have also had the innate desire for sex as long as I can remember (so as a teenager, I always felt "wait till marriage... but if something happens sooner all the better probably soul mates anyway". But I was a dumb kid who believed in romantic ideals and not yet jaded by society and life). Though I lost my faith gradually over time (though I still have some theological belief), and eventually that had little bearing over the issue and now none at all. But even more than sex, I desire physical and emotional intimacy with a girl (sex just being an amazing bonus). My problem is that I have no confidence in myself whatsoever. I can get by day to day and fake confidence so people do not think worse of me (I hate to burden others with my problems) and can appear happy and without self-doubt (the latter illusion is not consistent however). I can talk to girls without trouble, but I cannot seem to find a way to either gets girls "interested" and if there is any point where they may be, I either pick up on a subtle idea that there must be something they don't like about me (and its likely often only in my head, but I cannot help but think that is how they must feel), so I feel why would a girl want me to touch her hand, much less how could I possibly try to kiss her? I personally feel like I am not attractive, not brilliant, not hilarious, not wealthy, not stylish. And yet my rational mind knows that I am not ugly, I am intelligent to some degree, I can make people laugh, money isn't everything, and that it isn't difficult to find the right style. But because I do not feel like I am really a "high positive" (and at any given time, I will often feel highly negative about any or all of these) in any of these categories, it just isn't enough to be "worthy" of desire. Because of these self-doubts I can rarely seem to even attempt more than conversation with a girl. All my past failures are cemented in my mind tearing away even the artificial confidence I use, continued attempts become more difficult all the time. I even fear my lack of confidence as something to be unconfident about. I want, so much, to just have a close and intimate connection with a girl. To "love" a girl and have it reciprocated, and if that can lead to sex all the better (or if the sex leads to love, whichever order; and even just sex itself is absolutely fine as well; my modern jaded ideas of "love" probably find it easier to believe in "just sex"). But I also fear now that because I am so inexperienced at my age, I would be bad at everything (kissing, holding her in my arms, sex), and I further worry all of it would be awkward because of the fear that she might not actually desire me. I just feel lost when it comes to bridging this gap between meeting a girl and actually gaining her affections.
  2. 257 points

    Still numb

    I have spoken here in the past about my Dad and his illness. He died 6 weeks ago and I have not reacted. I know when my mother died I grieved hard and felt it took its natural course. My Dad was so precious to me, it just feels so different this time, like I am in denial. I do know when I start to think about his death I easily can block it out. I have not been to his house since, nor have I been to the grave since the funeral. Is it natural not to grieve sometimes? Goose
  3. 218 points
    Just started recently... i'm 193 pounds and 5"10 or 5"11 and I just feel disgusted with my body... im 17 years old and i have 2 months to look good for my girlfriend, she was away for awhile and i let myself get this way... i was 170 pounds and looking pretty in shape now im just disgusting. i made myself throw up a few times after i ate.. its only been a few days and i already feel really tired, but i don't care, if this is how i can lose 30 pounds in 2 months then im going to do that... i'm gonna drink lots of water so its not dangerous. do i need help? im already kind of addicted and liking this new lifestyle change... i lost 3 pounds in 2 days and im pretty happy.
  4. 215 points

    Problem with reading?

    Anyone else have a problem with reading? It feels like my eyes are constantly moving, and wanting to stray away from the page.
  5. 214 points

    Possibly Adapted BPD

    I need help. I don't know what kind of help, general or specific, but I need help. So I've been neglecting my own emotions as always, I voluntarily forget a lot of information that goes on, I can't handle listening to my parents helping me solve my problems even if they are objectively talking because it triggers very unpleasant emotions. I can't function right now, I have a lot to do. Not sure if I fit 5/0 criteria for BPD, probably I'll fit 4/9 criteria. I'm desperate and I need help. The reason I think I'm an adapted BPD is because I've been reading about BPD yesterday in general sources and medical sources (UpToDate) and all of it sounds either like something I was or still am. I just need help. Ideally, want to speak to someone who is objective and is an aspiring therapist, however, I'm not interested in visiting an actual therapist that would charge my insurance. (Go figure.) I'll take any help I can get. Anyone?
  6. 207 points

    Feeling Other's Anger

  7. 202 points


    Well havent been around in months, i feel ive learned a lot in the past time i feel good, im really lazy i sould remedy these soon with some activity. But in general im ok i think. Havent take meds in a long time, havent gone to teraphy either, last times i went my psychiatrist told me he saw me ok and he didnt see the need that i took meds for now, so i continue with out taking them, maybe ill go before christmass just to confirm im ok. Havent visited my psychologist also, but i sould go visit her to see everything is ok. One day I just decided to live more, still have those days when u dont wanna wake up, but then i think in all the things waiting outside, now every weakeend i try to go to countryside and sit in the middle of nowhere and take some yerba mates or just smoke weed, and wach everything around me, sometimes alone sometimes with friends, some days i just stay home, i wach tv, read a book or take a nap, everything is worth doing. If i feel to exited i try to stay calm, i feel to lazy like not wanting to get up of bed and l get up and do something or visit someone. I hope everyones is doing ok.
  8. 201 points
    Hi - i've been reading these forums for a few months, but thought I should finally post. I think I have a quite complicated back story. Sorry if this is long, but I really feel I have to completely open up, and tell you my background so I can be properly understood. To start with, I've got a long history of OCD like symptoms. In fact, I have a long family history - all of my siblings (two sisters) have been treated for anxiety/depression/OCD, as well numerous cousins. Lucky family eh! I'm incredibely shy, socially. I'm terrified of even talking to someone on the phone. I even find calling a good friend, or my parents a very daunting, worrying experience. For example, I've been paying 3 mobile phone bills for over 2 years, as I've found the prospect of calling up and cancelling the 2 old (which I'm free to do) ones too daunting/scary. On the same theme, I've been paying rental on a dating site I never use, for over 2 years, as I can't face ringing them to cancel it. I'm probably spending about £60/$100 a month on this stuff. Secondly, I'm a 33 year old virgin, and have only even kissed 2 girls. I've always been heavily aroused by adult women, and desperate to have sex with as many as I possibly can (like any guy) but I've My main anxiety has always revolved around my sexuality, and general confusion. As far back as I can remember, I've always been into women - off the top of my head, my main crushes when I was was a 13-14 year old boy were people like Pamela Anderson and Britney Spears etc etc. I was always really into the volumtous type (irony). However, I've had long spells of intrusive thoughts, sexual confusion, sexual obsession, sexuality OCD probably since I was about 13 or 14. First, I was obsessed with the fear that I was gay. I would constantly look at men, and think about them, and try and decide whether I was sexually attracted to them. Running this around in my head over and over again. Looking for any sort of reaction. This went on for a while. And has come back regularly over the last 20 years - even as recently as 3 months ago. However, I've (almost) managed to beat this. I can snap myself out of it within a few weeks. Then at around 14 I was obsessed with the thought that I was into cross dressing. Again, the same irrational fear, checking, double checking, being terrified of any slight reaction I had. I managed to beat this after 12 months and it's never come back. Then at around 17 I was obsessed with the thought that I was attracted to my sister. Again, the same pattern. This has come back occasionally, but I realize it's stupid. Then at around 20 I was obsessed with the thought that I was sexually attracted to small boys. As I recall, I felt a slight groinal reaction/twinge once when walking behind a kid, and that was basically it - I spent the next 6 months terrified that I may be into them. Thinking. Re-thinking. Checking my reaction. This ended when I went to University. As if by magic, as soon as I had something else to occupy my mind, it just completely vanished. And I realised how stupid it was. Maybe a year later, I went back to POCD, this time with small girls. Again, the trigger was quite innocent - I think I just saw a programmed about paedophiles, and then spent the next 6 months checking, re-checking that I wasn't. But of course, the more you check, the deeper you fall into it. This happened during the summer holidays at Univeristy. And again, I beat this by going back to University. Within 48 hours, or being back into my college routine, I was thinking how stupid my fears all were, and it was perfectly obvious I was normal. This is where it gets tougher for me, and where I'm still hung up. After graduating university (and possibly falling into depression - my OCD periods do seem linked to just being sad/bored) the POCD came back. This period is very hard for me to remember, as it was a long time. But, I think I just gave in to the OCD (the need to check, and find "the answer) and I started looking at teen sort of porn. I think I probably, somewhere, stumbled across underage porn. As I remember I was only looking at normal (ish) sort of porn sites - so I have no real idea how old the girl was. It could well have just been a very young looking 18 year old (I know that's what they sometimes do). Or it could have actually been an actual kid. It's very hazy. I sort of remember, having this sort of "groinal" response you read about. Like a mixture of extreme anxiety/uncomfortable and sexual energy. I think I decided I would do the ultimate "test" and attempt to masterbuate to it (hoping/assuming) I couldn't. This is the really weird bit (that sticks in my head) to this day. I think I went to the bathroom, and had a very weird experience. I almost had, what can probably be described as a premature ejaculation. As in, no fun, no enjoyment, no pleasure - I just ejaculated, in quite an emotionless, joyless way. As anyone with OCD, I of course researched, read, worried, for weeks. I did find out that this reaction is sometimes just extreme anxiety/worry/guilt (which obviously fits the situation). So after a while, again OCD, I just had to go back and check again. And it was the exact, exact opposite. I just looked at the same porn, and was almost physically sick. I could barely even comprehend what I was seeing. It was just absolute disgust, with no sexual reaction whatsoever. I hated it so much, I almost wanted to cry. It was just horrible. When I picture it now in my head (i struggle to forget the image) I just feel disgusted, and horrified - again, no sexual reaction whatsoever. So, that was the real low period. I overcame it, and actually beat my anxiety and worry for a long long time. I went years convinced i was normal, and thinking any fears were just stupid. Again, this coincided with a very happy time of living with friends, and having a great social life. It's almost like I fall into these slumps, when I'm lonely and have nothing else to do. Then, I moved out from a shared house with friends, and got my own place. This was probably a bad idea. Again, I got a bit depressed and lonely, with nothing to do. Then I saw something on the news about pedophillia, and I fell back into the checking, double checking, worrying, staring at children, intrusive thoughts. And that's where I am today. Living on my own, very lonely, depressed, and constantly worrying, checking, re checking, thinking, being disgusted by the fact that I'm possibly a pedophile. I get the classic symptoms. A trigger to start me worrying, then checking in my mind, and generally being disgusted by the thoughts, and having no reaction. Then convincing myself I'm normal. Then thinking I've had a groinal response. Then checking. I just keep coming back to these thoughts, and worries about children. Why did I ejaculate. How did it start. Am I forgetting things. Quite often, in the past, I've been heavily aroused by a women I've seen on the TV, or thinking about a girl I saw during the day, I've been masterbuating about them, and really enjoying it, and I'm getting nearer to the point of no return - and then an image of a child has popped into my head and I've had that premature, emotionless, joyless, almost feelingless ejaculation again. And then of course I've gone back to the checking, worrying, testing - and attempted to create the scenario again (getting heavily aroused by women and then trying to switch to the same child thought) and it's been nothing. Again, it's like the ultimate turn off. Loss of erection, and completely unable to do anything. And it's even sort of developed. I've had this same scenario, when I've been heavily turned on by a women, and I'm masterbuating, and near the end. then an image of my mother, or my sister pops into my head and I have this premature, emotionless, joyless, almost feelingless ejaculation again The thing is, somewhere in my head, I sort of suspect I'm probably normal-ish. And because it's been going on so long, I can almost feel the OCD in my brain. I recognize the process, the symptoms, and know it's happening. It's like I know, somewhere, deep down, is the logic that I'm normal-ish. But every time I get into the compulsion/routine, of checking that I'm not a pedo, it gets buried again. And I also, sort of, see that it's a bit illogical. As in, I'm currently in love with a 25 year old women, and she also likes me a lot (the irony being I've never been able to develop the relationship into anything physical, as I've been too worried, depressed, anxious about all this). Every female infatuation I've ever had from the age of 16 has been a women. I realize that as a 12-13 year old I'm obviously going to be into other 12-13 year olds. The only instance in my life, of any sort of erection/arousal was that one incident. That I'm completely unable to replicate, as now the same images repulse me. I've tried very very hard to get an erection thinking about kids, and it's impossible. There's no way I could ever get an erection, and start masterbuating thinking about children. I have very strong sexual feelings, for numerous women. And always have. In fact, I've sometimes find it a problem in itself. Erections and strong sexual feelings, when I've seen women at work. Struggling to control myself. Struggling to concentrate. Endlessly fantacising and masterbuating about hot women I've seen. Part of me thinks, I'm a highly sexed, super shy, 33 year old virgin. And of course I'm bound to be a bit screwed up in my mind. When you're constantly desperate for sex, and super horny, of course you're going to get confused. The irony being, I'm very ready now to start having sexual relationships, but I'm just waiting for someone to come along. But then other times, I'm thinking back to my teenage years, and early 20s, and worrying if there whether I have actually been aroused more times, and I forgot. And worrying about possibly being attracted to 14-15 year old girls when I was a student, and whether there was anything else etc etc (I don't think so). A good example of my mind and how my life has been is - at the minute, this name of this gymnast came into my head for some reason. And I sort of had a memory of being attracted to her, but it's a bit hazy, when I was maybe 17-18. So of course, I looked it all up, and saw she was only 14 and is pubescant (she has small boobs and hips) but could probably pass for 12. Now, I have no idea where the name came from, or if I have the right person (it could be a completely different gymnast who was 18) or how I even felt back then - I'm starting to think I just thought she was a bit cute, and there was nothing sexual. But of course, in my head, I'm thinking I have the right person, and I was sexually attracted, and how could I have done this. So I look her up (of course) and there's just nothing reaction wise. Complete indifference. I just look at her and feel rather disgusted that I'm even sitting there looking at a young looking 14 year old. I'm not even having any groinals, let alone a sexual reaction. So I move on. But, it sticks in my head. So I start stressing, and worrying, and thinking of scenarios. And I'm getting closer and closer to looking again. And then I do. And I get a small groinal reaction. And I'm worrying, and checking, and going back, and stressing. Then I go back again, and I'm back to the start - no reaction at all. Disgusted that I'm looking, if anything. Annoyed that I'd wasted weeks stressing about it. And that's really been my last 5 years. This process over and over again. I do sometimes snap out of it think a lot of my problem is anxiety. And realize I'm highly sexed, because of my virginity.And a lot of my reactions are anxiety. As in, I've had stupid situations where I've seen a cardboard box, and for a split second thought it was a child, and had that anxious/groinal/sick feeling/ slight arousal. I've had situations where I've seen a grown women out of the corner of my eye, and for a split second thought it was a child, and had that same groinal/anxious/sick/slight arousal feeling. It's almost like I'm just terrified of how I will react, if I do see something, and I'm always on guard, and when I do see a child, I have this automatic reaction - whether it's a child or not. Again, I'm sorry that this is very long, but I hope someone can read it and talk to me. Thanks
  9. 199 points

    Hope and Emotions

    Today is the anniversary of my diagnosis and I wanted to celebrate by telling people how I was able to recover from Schizoaffective. When I was diagnosed, everyone told me not to listen to myself, treated me as if I was crazy all the time and told me I would never recover. I had no self esteem. My future seemed horrible. My life changed around because I read a couple of books by crystal hatfield. She taught me to write positive affirmations so that I could focus on the positive. When I focused on the positive, I saw new opportunities where others saw none. She taught me how to deal with the numbness of the medication and how to accept myself with the diagnosis. Her books can be purchased for what you can afford to pay (ie, even free if you really need it) and can be purchased here: https://gumroad.com/l/VsYSt. I now live a life where I enjoy everyday.
  10. 197 points
    [possibly graphic, possibly trigger] I started cutting myself a few weeks ago. I'm a 24 yo male in my first year of med school. I've never been able to have a girlfriend or anything like that despite trying. I tried the online sites but failed again. I guess I cut to punish myself because I feel unworthy of love or romantic relationships. I have no problem making friends (although no I really don't hang out with people anymore) but I could never seem to find someone with mutual attraction. I'm in relatively good shape physically (so people say) but I still feel repulsive, maybe it's my face or something I don't know. I'm kind of worried because each time I cut it seems to get easier to do it. I know Dr. Dombeck said in his experience 100% of people who self-injure have survived significant abuse but I haven't. My psychiatrist thought I had PTSD like symptoms but no, I have nothing I can blame my inadequacy on but myself. I cut worse to punish myself when I have a fantasy that I could actually be in a relationship with a girl I actually like as though to remind myself what a piece of S I really am. Everyone says it's no big deal but my personality is changing as I'm becoming more reserved, withdrawn, yet more prone to outbursts. I started taking Zoloft last week but the cutting hasn't stopped. I'm ashamed to tell that to anyone in real life, I don't cut for attention I do it to punish. I am not suicidal right now but I worry if I fail out of med school I will be. School is the only thing holding me up anymore but I'm not doing well academically right now which frightens me. I just don't know what to do anymore.
  11. 193 points

    Orchid Children

    A few days ago I read an article about how the short version of the "Transporter Gene" predisposes a person to suffering more from stressful situations than a person with the long version of the gene. They categorize these people "Yellow people" and "Blue people". Today, I read in the newspaper about "Orchid Children". The description sounded so similar to that for the "Blue People" in the article above. The fact that I heard about something from two completely different sources talking about essentially the same thing really piqued my curiosity, so I googled “Orchid children and transporter gene.” It appears they are talking about the same thing, but are using different words. At any rate, the implications of the research are incredible - for parents of Orchid children, and also for people who were likely Orchid children (or Blue people) with poor parenting or a stressful environment growing up. Maybe this is common knowledge for a lot of people around here, but I have never heard of either term, and as I am trying everything I can to get rid of lifelong depression and found some "hope" if not for myself then for my kids from reading about this concept, I wanted to share it and also get some feedback. I think I will also post this in the "Depression" forum as I suspect the feedback may be quite different. Here are the links that I found really interesting: http://www.psycheducation.org/mechanism/MechanismIntro.htm http://jezebel.com/5421559/orchid-children-a-new-way-of-looking-at-genetics-and-our-brains http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2009/12/the-science-of-success/7761/
  12. 188 points

    Mid Life Crisis

    It's really interesting that you posted this. I was just thinking about it yesterday. A friend of mine has been going through a difficult time since her kids left for college. I've been trying to be supportive and can really understand where she is coming from having just been through it myself over these past few years. I think as you grow older you become more aware of your own mortality. You begin to question your choices in life and search for your true purpose. Everything takes on such more meaning and resonates deeper. I never thought of such things at age 20. My emotions now, at age 41, are much closer to the surface than they were in my youth. I don't think it's all negative, though. I appreciate everything, every feeling so much more now. I can't even make it through a kid's movie without tearing up. ("Marley and Me" and "Up" brought many tears...) A few years ago, when I lost my friend, I fought off some loss of hope. It felt as is nothing I did mattered... that I wasn't important...that I hadn't done anything meaningful to help others...But I think really it was a wake up call for me. Time is marching on. My oldest is a senior in high school (time to stock up on the kleenex). So now I really want to make the most of every moment and not let fear ever hold me back.
  13. 173 points
    I've been in hospital for near enough three months and I'm finally on leave for the first time. Okay, so it's just one night, but it's a start, right? I'd love to hear how everyone is doing! That means YOU!
  14. 161 points


    is a cool dude who has taught me that only i can create strength for myself, both emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual! I'm there spiritually, but the other three are kind of failing, mostly physically and mentally. There are certain financial barriers to physical and mental, and more less tangible trammua stopping me from getting there emotionally, but I think I am starting to see the darkness at the end of the tunnel, if that makes any sense lol. though a question, what is the difference between mental and emotional health? I know how spirtuality feels different then emotional, but is there enough common ground that I can some how use some of that spiritual strength to bolster my emotional strength?
  15. 151 points

    Is this love?

    I would be so much thankful if someone help me. I have a friend that I like so much, I care about her, I think about her everytime and so many things remind me her.. I just wanna stay together with her, and make her the happiest girl in this world, but I can't tell her about my feelings, 'cause I know that her never going to love me like I do. I'm sad. I guess sometimes of it just be a big passion, but no, no way. I'm jealous about her, because I fighted so much hard to get her trust, and love. Sometimes I think how I'll survive if she date someone, love someone, and that someone don't be me. I would be capable to kill her, just for her never love someone. Is this true love? Or just a passion? Am I sick?
  16. 131 points
    David O

    Recommended readings

    This is possibly one of the most useful sections in the forum as it may provide others with the benefits of excellent self help resources. Following, as a starter to this section, are a list of a few highly regarded books. I'll be adding to the list periodically as time permits and my hope is that others will join in For Depression: The Depression Workbook Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy Revised and Updated The Feeling Good Handbook Ten Days to Self Esteem Mind Over Mood (text and workbook-- 2 books) For Anxiety and Phobia The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook Hope for our Nerves Don't Panic: Taking Control of Anxiety Attacks Change Your Brain Change Your Life Hopefully others will add to the list. If anyone has any questions or would like recommendations for specific areas, please let me know-- I have a HUGE library in my office of books I lone out. For the best prices, check first at half.com and secondly at Amazon.com in their used section. David
  17. 115 points
    Hello. I'm 15(female) and when I was 14 i was "raped" or "sexually assaulted". I use quotations because i don't believe it "qualifies" to be called that. If you could take a few moments to read this quickly and tell me if you consider what happened to me "rape" or not i would very much appreciate it! I had a 16 year old boyfriend when i was 14. He got very serious very quickly and i trusted him because he was a not-so-close family friend. One day, he told me to give him oral sex. I refused. He proceeded to ask again, demanding it. I refused. He then slid his penis across my face and told me to give him head. I told him no. He grabbed him head and forced me to give him it. I didn't know what to do. I froze. I wanted to run and scream and cry and never come back. But i just sat there. Later that night, he told me a was awful. But he told me he was sorry he made me do it and would never do it again. The next time, he drove out(a few weeks later) by the lake; he told me i couldn't leave until i gave it to him again. Once again, i froze. Through tears i did what he was telling me. The relationship ended rather quickly after that. My therapist said it was "rape" but that word seems to harsh and illegal. I just cant accept it. Would you consider what he did rape or sexual assault? (I have flashbacks to this day about the incidents and the i avoid his street as much as i can {but he lives just a block from me, so its nearly impossible}) Please offer any advice possible! Thank you!
  18. 113 points


    I agree with you about that, darkness. I guess I'd like to one up this a bit. I sometimes think that it's not that they DON'T get people of other faiths....it's that they WON'T. I think some people are so rigid and self rightious that to even entertain the idea of tollerance and respect for the beliefs of others is unimaginable to them. Maybe they think they are compromising their own beliefs by trying to understand and respect those of others. Something that makes me really uncomfortable in this thread is the black and white labeling of faiths. Whether it be satanism, christianity, buddhism, muslim, paganism or any other dogma, it's not the religion, it's the people in them. I am a christian and there are LOTS of christians who drive me crazy for the very reasons you talk about. Those very people tell me I'm going to hell too. They take the bible out of context, quote a verse without considering what was happening in the history, culture, politics etc of the time and use it as a weapon in a modern day situation. It's faulty logic at best. And stuff like that happens in EVERY faith. Including satanism. I guess for me, I think that my beliefs stop where yours start. I may not believe as you do but I respect and lift up that that makes your life complete and brings you comfort and joy. I think that is an aspect of pretty much all faiths that people should pay more attention to rather than using their faith as an excuse to hate.
  19. 111 points

    Dating, how to

    Hello. So basically my question is how to get out and date? I am 28, never had a girlfriend, never dated or even kissed a girl and I want this to change. Most people will say friends are the best way to get out and meet girls but I don’t really have any friends so that is one option that is out. Another thing people always say is get out and do activities that I enjoy, hobbies and such, but I been trying for a long time to find gatherings for the hobbies I am into with no luck. I have tried online dating but a big problem there is with no real world experience I lack any for the online world as well. When is the right time to ask to meet in person? Do I exchange numbers first and text or what? Online dating is still my best bet but so far a lot of hit and misses had left me unable to even swing anymore. Any advice or experiences would be helpful, thank you.
  20. 90 points

    Is this because of depression?

    Does anyone here have this same thing? I tried to find a phrase that summed up everything, so I found this: I can not sleep and can not wake up. My mom says I do not sleep because I'm on the computer. But this is not the point. I get on the computer because I have no desire to sleep. I almost always stay up until dawn. Without eating anything. But most times I stay up until dawn, and still lie awake until dawn the next day. And do not feel sleepy. Sometimes I get 29 hours without sleep, and still unwilling. But for some reason I lie down, I sleep for 18, 19, 24 hours. And when I wake up, I'm still tired as if I had never slept. But do not feel hungry. I do not ever feel hungry, I eat once a day, in the late afternoon. And it's always something like a sandwich. It satisfies me for the whole day. Maybe even two days. I know this is not normal. And even with my obesity, I know this might make me weak. But I don't feel hungry, I can not push the food into me. What is this?
  21. 88 points
    Since the first week of school, with my six years old, I lived in fear of the people. The school was a terrible phase and still is. I stay quiet while my coleagues robbed me, beat me, offended me. Every day was like that. Always stand it firm, but in the fourth year of school, I started to not go to class, and when I was there, I was standing at the door afraid to enter the room. So I fled from school once, and did most confusion. As I already said in another topic, I have not finished school, out of fear. I'm so ashamed and afraid of people, that if I'm in a public place and my hair standing in front of my face, even if it's bothering me I do not move, because I think they will laugh at me if I move. (I know it will not, but even so I think it will, and I can not move). It's the same way when I walk super fast and because of that several times I fall on stairs in the middle of the street. I've spent a lot of shame for lack of attention. And more and more ashamed. Starve at home for not having to go on the market sometimes. This month I'm going back to dealing with my psychologist, but I wanted to hear from you. Have you ever experienced this? Have you ever lived with this shame? How do you do to live with this fear, and the shame of being, acting? Honestly, I'm not even going in the courtyard of the house for fear of the neighbors seeing me. It hurts, I wish I could go back in time and have never gone to school. My family does not understand, says that's bullshit. Says it's laziness.
  22. 82 points

    Missing my therapist

    Hi all I realise this topic might have been discussed in detail in earlier posts, but I am new here and was just looking for some opinions from community members. I worked with my counselling psychologist for 9 months. We had to terminate as she is moving to another city. We cannot continue working via skype as this is just not an option. I feel rather interesting about this termination. On the day it ended, I broke down and sobbed for half an hour, almost as if going through short-term grief. I loved spending time with her and getting to know myself using her guidance. We would laugh often but spent most of our sessions trying to understand who I am and we had a healthy client-therapist relationship. I don't open up very easily and when I do, it's usually stories woven around the deep truth. So it took me a long time to open up to her. When we ended, she told me that I can continue to email her when I feel I need to.We communicated a lot on emails as I am more articulate in my writing than in verbal communication. So the dilemma I'm sitting with now is that I miss talking to her about new things I learn about myself or things that happen to me, etc. I know I can email her whenever I want to, but I am very careful not to abuse that priviledge. I've emailed her only twice in the last month. That's not too bad, and now I am going for longer periods without emailing her. I asked her if I could pop in and say hi when I visit the city she's moving to and she said I could. It's not like I'm looking for a friendship with her, but I just like to know that she is there, somewhere in the back ground of my life and she's not gone forever. I just miss talking to her a lot. She told me that our sessions meant a lot to her, where she learned some new things about herself and she is quite excited about my future to see what I do with everything I've learned. In my mind, that sounds like she would be interested to hear about developments in my personal journey. I'm just not sure what to think or how to handle this. Should I be wondering about how she's doing and if she's keeping well and what she would say in certain situations? I know that there were some transference issues during the therapy and I might possibly see another therapist to determine what those were. Any feedback would be great! Thanks!
  23. 80 points
    I am convinced that there must be something wrong with me. Some sort of mental or psychological disorder. Firstly, I’ll say that my memory is lacking severely. I can watch a movie and forgot a lot of it by the next day. I remember very few events from my childhood. Of those events I do remember, I don’t really remember anything in vivid detail. Everything is a blur to me. Family and friends usually speaks of events that had occurred in the past but I cannot remember any of it. My memory seems to really hinder my experience in school and my ability to learn, well, anything. Even things I’m really interest in. I’ve forgot everything I’ve learned through school. I struggle to remember the page I have just read (sometimes end up reading a page 3-4 times). I never really feel like I can focus. I can sit down to read a book in a house with complete silence, start reading and be completely distracted by my thoughts or anything else. Or I would fall asleep. Ill start thinking about anything and everything. It’s not a lack of motivation to learn or read and it’s not a lack of interest. The inability to focus carries over into many things other than reading books. I feel like I’m never focused in a conversation. I can be talking to someone one-on-one and I won’t even by listening to them. I’ll be drifting off into some other world. Staring at the wall, blindly saying “yeah.” Typically I cant recall the beginning of a conversation or what we are speaking of. Even when I put the effort into it and consciously try to focus, I find it extremely difficult. During conversations I stumble on words frequently or say the wrong words. Also, I have a hard time remembering the word I am trying to say. I struggle to thinking of the word I am saying. I have a lot of trouble conversing and I know other can tell to some degree. I struggled my entire life with speaking and didn’t develop the ability to talk until a later age. I’ll often just stop mid-sentence because I either lost my train of thought, drifted off into some other world or just can’t think of the right word. I feel that my cognitive abilities are lacking. I don’t know if I have ADHD, a learning disability or something else. I tried caffeine pills recently for the first time. The pills worked wonders (memory was much better during the few weeks, energy was good, concentration was good). The pills only worked for 2 weeks and then stopped working entirely. If I don’t use caffeine pills for an extended period of time (few weeks to a few months) then try them again, they will work for a few weeks then stop. Went to a doctor who prescribed Cipralex (Escitalopram). Best I felt in my life (memory, energy and concentration were amazing) at first but after 3 weeks the effects started to dissaper. Went back to having bad memory, low energy and poor concentration. Doctor tried to increase dosage but didn’t work and went back to feeling tired all the time and symptoms started to come back. The doctor then tried to put my on Sandoz Bupropion SR (antidepressant) but effects only worked a week then stopped. My mom has had the exact same issues her entire life. She does have thyroid but is using Synthroid to help with it. She’s complained to her doctor her entire life but never had been able to solve this issue. Other issues that run in my family are low blood sugar, higher cholesterol and arthritis. I have done a blood test and everything is normal. Iron is fine, thyroid is file and everything else good. See below for a summary by age. As a child - had a hard time concentrating, could never read a book and developed reading, writing and speaking skills much later than everyone else - difficulty reading and speaking - anxiety - very active child, loved playing sports and was always active - difficulty socializing excluding close friends - extremely poor memory - A lot of daydreaming – spent most of my childhood daydreaming -as the day progresses, my abilities became a lot worse. Teenager - hard time concentrating, struggled to read, write and speak. When I would write something, every sentence would have an error. Missed words or wrong word used. Could never write a complete, correct sentence. - slept a lot more and felt depressed (started losing hair) - Extremely poor memory – worst memory out of everyone I know - anxiety started getting worse. Have always avoided doing things that caused anxiety including speaking with a group of friends. Felt stupid during conversations because I couldn’t understand or recall past events. - hard time speaking and reading. When I tried to read my concentration span was very short - A lot of daydreaming - hard time thinking of the word im trying to say, difficulty putting sentences together -could never think at night (no memory, no ability to speak) – always tired at night Adult - hard time concentrating - feeling of depression when I am very tired - Energy level is very low mentally and when I am really tired I feel depressed - daydreaming all the time - in big group settings when i am required to talk, my anxiety gets really bad where i feel like i cannot talk - brain fog - difficulty talking some days (very bad some days) – cannot put simple sentences together like “Hi, how are you doing?” - difficulty reading, trying to read puts me to sleep - extremely poor memory – feel stupid all the time as a result of not being able to memorize past events (important events – ex. the date of birth of siblings/parents birthdays) - hard time thinking of the word im trying to say. Better in the morning but as the day progresses it becomes a lot worse - difficulty reading menu's - hard time understanding when I am speaking to someone one on one, tend to end up saying “yeah” but not absorbing anything - forgetful - when im writing sentences i make a lot of errors and one sentence can take me a few minutes even though very simple. - sometimes i feel dizzy all of sudden - energy just fades - hard time understanding - No retention -brain feels foggy
  24. 78 points

    Not doing well tonight.

    It's funny that I'm posting here considering I'm in hospital but when a patient absconds and returns drunk, there are no staff for support. I've just spent 8 months in hospital, I won't be spending 8 months here too so I'm trying to stay well and keep safe but tonight it's easier said than done. After binging on chocolate and crisps, I spent half an hour with my head down the toilet. I have torn my eusophagus. Again. I won't be eating again because I can't keep this up. I'm 5'7" and went into hospital at 7 stone, came here at 11 stone. I never really spoke here about having an ED but hey guys, I've had bulimia for a few years. Struggling majorly not to self harm. I've been left with a bottle of nail varnish. Bad idea. So tempted. I shouldn't. I can't. I won't. I might. I will. Will I? I hope not. I'll go too far. I don't want this life anymore. Do I want recovery or death? I want recovery, but death is so much easier to reach. Now to find a nurse.
  25. 74 points
    I have never actually got anyone to agree to have sex with me, but if they did, and laughed at it I would [removed description of violent act]
  26. 74 points

    ...si trigger

    I self injured for the first time in 3 months ...voices and thoughts telling me to do it Dont have a therapist nor do i want one ...i see my dr every month and we talk about the cutting She thinks that am getting better with it but am not ... wanting to do it more and more as the months went on Last night was when everything started to come out about how i was really feeling about my cutting Been wanting to cut for months and i feel i need to do it again and again Until there is no more skin left for me to cut Am on medication for my voices but am on the highest dose and there nothing else they can do for me So i have to put up with the voices and deal with them I go to a hearing voices group on a Thursday but of late i have not been going due to ill health maybe i should go to it tomorrow weather am ill or not...
  27. 72 points
    Hello all. It seems there's a lot of things wrong with my life, but I'm not here to complain. I'm sure someone has got it worse even though my life was hell. Okay, so basically my abusive father somehow got a hold of my phone number and has started calling me every weekend for the last 3 weeks pretending to be all friendly and stuff. I only answered the phone because obama is forcing me to get obama care, so I signed up for VA healthcare, I answered the phone thinking it was them. Anyway, today he finally showed his ulterior motive: Asking for cash. I'm doing alot better than he is, which is a personal victory for me. I've cut off ties with him since the age of 19. I'm 31 now. He's playing mind games on me and it's so hard to say no. I've never defied him, only took his abuse and it's a trained response now I guess. I want to tell him that he's a fag and deserves to die, but I'm afraid he might find out where I live and come to shoot me so I keep it to myself. I was only an inch away today from saying that though. I do feel a bit of guilt for hating him and laughing at his misery though. I told him that I only had a hundred bucks, and now that guilt is eating me up. Should I feel guilty? Should I stop my brother (who actually needs the money) from giving my deadbeat dad a thousand bucks? Here is the list of things I remember what my father did: -When I was about 7, my father kicked my brothers teeth in because he farted and yet blamed my younger brother. Also he's just naturally that abusive, no alcohol/drug influence whatsoever. -My father misplaced his slingshot and blamed me and my brother. He flicked rubberbands at our faces until our faces were just dripping with blood. We couldn't eat at all because our lips were sore. He found it eventually but still blamed us. -He bought us a pet chicken and I thought it was unusually kind of him. A few months later, we had chicken and it turns out he killed it and laughed at us. -He raped my step sister when she was 13. He did it every day for years until she left the house. We were too stupid to call the police because he said he'd come back to kill us if we spoke about it. Also, the local cops and teachers back then bullied us, so we didn't really trust the authorities. Even now he's gotten away with it because there is just no more evidence and I don't want to make a spectacle of myself, and my step sister doesn't want the attention. -My mother and father only spoke to us whenever they wanted us to do some labor like taking out the trash, washing dishes, etc. or wanted to insult us. -Ever since I could remember, my father had always called me useless. He would critique everything I do and called me stupid, an animal, and that I should just go and kill myself. I didn't know what to do so I kept a poker face and pretended I didn't hear anything. -Whenever he would misplace one of his tools, he'd whip my brother and I with an aluminum yardstick for the entire day, literally. It'd just be "AHHHHHHH!!!" WIP WIP WIP for 12 or so hours until he had to go to work. We could barely walk and had to wear long pants and sweatshirts in the summer. -When I caught a cold in the winter, I kept coughing at night. He told me to shut up. Obviously I couldn't, but I muffled it as best as I could. He then punched me a few times, and kicked me in the stomach and knocked the wind out of me. He then threw me outside for the entire night. And he'd insult me through the window telling me that I'm worthless, stupid, etc etc. He'd rather have a dog than me. -I was so hungry because he'd only feed himself. left the scraps of whatever he had left for us. I then stole 20 bucks from his wallet to buy some food at school. He found out because my little bro ratted me out because he feared for his life. Once again I got whipped the whole day. I still got scars today. Now that I think about it, it was stupid of me to feel guilty for stealing 20 bucks from him. -He'd occassionally point his pistol at us and call us names and beat us up whenever he came home from work angry. -I got picked on and beat up at school because I stank. My father didn't think we deserved water to shower. I came home and my brother told my dad, and my dad knocked the wind out of me for not fighting back. The next day, I punched the kid because I feared for my life. I came back home and the teachers told my father, who then kicked the living hell out of me for fighting at school. -Whenever we played or laughed, he'd tell us to shut up and quit being animals. Nobody wants to see our stupid smiles. -We were never allowed toys or videogames. We had a tv but he'd whip us if he found out that we watched tv while he was away. He said that we were ungrateful for him giving us life, we weren't worth the electricity. -There was never a day when I didn't fear for my life. Like seriously, literally, fearing for your life. I envied those other kids who lived their lives so care free. Even now I still have trouble socializing. I'm basically a hermit. The few girlfriends that I had left me because I was just too 'wierd'. -My parents never told me they loved me, never hugged me. My father told me he only had me and my other siblings so he could stay on welfare. I was born for welfare. -While I was in the navy, my parents asked me to come home for christmas. I thought they missed me.... I went home and brought presents for everyone. They gave me an envelope, and inside it was life insurance papers. They wanted my signature. They then told me not to worry, they'll pay the premiums. I just have to go out there and kill saddam hussein. That was the last time I saw them. I left and joined the navy because it was the only way I knew how to get away and support myself. I felt guilty for leaving my younger siblings behind though. Just a few years ago, when I thought I had forgotten it all, and pushed it all behind me...my roommate finally came up to me and told me that he's had enough: I would scream bloody murder almost every night when I sleep. He's kept it to himself for a year because he felt sorry for me. So even now, I still do that. My father still haunts me no matter how far I go. It's been over 10 years since I seen him. Now he's miserable and pretends that nothing has ever happened. And then over the phone, he told me "I love you" I was just shocked. It sounded so odd and so wrong. I knew he was lying though because the next week he called asking for money. People never change, their circumstances do. My father is just old, weak, and broke now and I predicted that he would try to suck up to me one day when he realizes that he's alone and nobody gives a crap if he dies. I told myself I would laugh in his face when that happens. I waited over 10 years for it to happen...It was my chance when he tried to ask me for money. But I couldn't go through with it. How do I tell him that he done f'd up without feeling guilty, or without having him come over to try and kill me?
  28. 71 points
    Being almost 30, disowned by my parents for no reason at all, I'm trying to see things from their perspective. As most know, my brother died in may of 2011 from a drug overdose. Most also know that my parents considered him the "favorite" out of the two of us kids. My whole life I've been treated like dirt, and didn't really see that it had affected me until the last year or so. After my brother's death, they started verbalizing what I already had figured out, when they'd say things like "we've lost our only child" or "I could have coped better had it been you" and things of that nature. They've turned to threatening and harrassment the last few months, which is when I had to draw the line and cut off all contact with them. Their numbers are blocked from all phones and I avoid them at all cost. Still there is that unresolved hurt that lingers within that wonders why I'm not good enough to deserve their love, never have been good enough. I've thought of all the possible scenarios like is it because I was an unplanned pregnancy, was it because my mother nearly passed when she had me, was it because I was born prematurely and wasn't expected to make it but I did though I was a very sickly child and cost them lots of money in drs bills? Is it because I'm a girl? What was it? I have two children of my own. A two year old and an almost 10 year old. I could never imagine treating them the way my parents have treated me. I can't imagine one day telling them that I "disown" them, no matter what they may do. I do not love one more than the other. I would walk through hell and back to keep them from feeling one ounce of pain, I'd definitely never intentionally do anything to hurt them. Are there different types of parents? Is it common for parents to simply love one child and discard the other. I'd like to hear from someone who would be honest with me about their relationships with their children and their thoughts about favoritism. Can anyone here relate to my parents because they've acted in the same behavior. I'm just trying to understand. Everyday, I ask myself, " what did I do?" or "What can I do to make them love me?" It's emotionally straining and has destroyed me more than I've acknowledged. Just need to hear some thoughts so maybe I can get it out of my head that I'm defective or unwanted.
  29. 70 points


    I posted this on another thread, but since I didn't get any replies I am posting it here too: Two or three times I have written posts on here only to delete them shortly after. It's not that I don't feel this is a safe place to post, but that I feel maybe I dont need to go there. The memories I have inside me have been with me so long that I dont know if saying them out loud will make a difference. I mean, if i've lived with them all these years I must be okay, right? Why do I only seem to have memories of bad things? I try to remember nice things about my childhood, my teenage years, my 'mature' years but I can't seem to remember ever really being happy. I seem to have a selective memory, one that chooses to remember only the bad things so that I am beginning to doubt that there were ever good ones. But there must have been? How do I learn to forgive my father, my mother and my brother? And should I? Should I try and forget how much they have hurt me? If not, then what? I guess i'm hoping someone will wave a magic wand and everything will be alright.
  30. 67 points

    What is this?

    I have these times were I feel like I really want to change my life. I want become better. Eat healthy, lose weight, go outside, make friends, and be happy. I tell myself I can do it, that I will do it. Then, I sink back down and asks myself, "What's the point?" I've never had a real friend before, why should that change now? I'm a piece of shit who doesn't deserve to be happy. I'm not meant to enjoy life. Is this normal? Do other people go through this too?
  31. 66 points

    medication for lifetime

    I was wondering how long one's lifetime can be then. Let's say that I'm gona live up to age of 90.. Presently I'm 20+ I've been talking medication for couple of years already. 70 years left. If I take medication for 70 years more.., could I possibly live up to 90.? Or..? The thought about taking medication for more than 70 years seems a bit unreal.. or maybe why should that be strange? Maybe it does nothing to the rest of our bodies. What do you think about this?
  32. 65 points


    I was born to hate people. If I lived in a less civilized time i'd be a rapist and a murderer. I'd be someone despised by everyone. I wouldn't be good enough to be infamous. Id just be the bad person I am, and no one but the unfortunate ppl who knew me would know from experience. Experiences theyw ish the y never had. Because like I'm a sick disease. I do things the wrong way. inevidably. I might aswell accept who I am and not try to be different. I might as well accept that I am a bad person and go with it. at least I could take a stand on that, so ppk could know who I am, and therefore other ppl be able to defend themselves fairly. And at least I'd be treating myself fairly too because I cant change who I am. I shpuld just die somehow. At least then I could be sure. And stop thinking. I mean I have done things that have might have gotten me close to death, but fuck it, I might Aswel just fucking die for no reason, I think that's really my life's goal. because it goes against my own little logic, but really it isnt't illogical at all, really that's what should happen to me. I just want to flirt with death maybe some more. Just screw around with it some more. And not anyone elses death. Tho I don't raly care if someone dies or not, by me or by any other reason, I just want to my own life on the edge. I want to personally know death inside out. I want to be so familiar with death. I want to dream of death. But then I think about dying some glorious way... in some other world, in reality I'll rightly die a drunkin idiot on the job ruining ppl's lives. I hate everyone, because I hate everything that I am. its not that theres nothing to like, but I choose to like nothing. And I like choosing nothing, because what is anything to me...nothing...because I just cant get what I want, I hold myself back from being the bad person I really am. The amount of giving in I give in order not to be the person I am is mountainous. And I just don't think its really real enogh to keep holding onto this nothing bullshit, I am that I am that I amthat I am, that I am that I am...I am. fuck u. I hate that I cant be rich. I hate that I can't be with the most beautiful and intelligent women. I hate that cant be more clear minded and intelligent, or humorous, or creative, or whatever something good is that makes you rich and get beautiful women. I hate looking back at my failed attempts at life. I'd be more proud of my attempts at death. And flirting with death. I'd like to go insane, I miss being more insane, I'd like to go schizo, I like that feeling. Id probably be the first happy schizo there is, but inevitably in some retarted form but fuk if I didn't know it, it would be great. I feel like things could have been great, but they went wrong at the best time and now I am evil. I cant stop envying other people.
  33. 62 points

    Why does it always follow me?

    I don't try and look up on the Internet "does size matter"? Anymore, I try and focus on other things and yet on forums, friends, all the sudden it pops up. It's really upsetting to try and feel about yourself and a woman just tears you down. I'm having a hard time believing that all women don't care about this.
  34. 62 points

    losing the fight

    This is my first post here. I've tried being strong and resisting but 2 weeks with constant fear and hardly any sleep has forced me to seek help. I just feel like giving up, as though whatever I try, whatever I do I cannot win and life seems to shaft me constantly day after day. I work part time cleaning toilets which feels degrading, this job was only a stop gap until I completed my electrics course, however, I recently found out that the course was bogus and I have been conned out of £6000 with no way of getting the money back (its very complicated),worst part is I had a loan for it so I'm still repaying the money. so I'm left with no career and still cleaning toilets at 25. Due to me being in debt I cannot afford another course, so I'm stuck in this dead end job. I still live with parents who seem depressed a lot, I haven't had a relationship in 6 years and can't talk to people because my anxiety, I have issues with my appearance. I'm going bald. Tried using minoxidil for my hair and its left me looking old and rough and done nothing positive. My friends use me all the time and get what they want when they want. This is not that important, the problem is that all these issues have impacted my mental state so much that I am a nervous wreck every day and have terrible nightmares, only get 3 hours of sleep, and harvest thoughts that people are trying to kill me. Our neighbours moved out 2 years ago and since then next door has been left abandoned, which has attracted drug addicts and the like. Last night they were around there and I had to lie in bed knowing they were right outside my window. I darent confront the$ because I can't confront anybody anymore. I used to be strong, now I'm so weak. Sorry if this is all over the place, I just need help.
  35. 62 points

    Missing my therapist

    It might be useful to consider why you can't brainstorm on your own. It might also be fun to try to imagine that you are brainstorming with your therapist, on the inside ... Is any part of you willing to try to take on the therapist role for the sake of that role-playing game? After all, even in therapy, it's the client who is doing the bulk of the work, at least once the client has given themselves permission to do that in the presence of someone else. Maybe you need to give yourself permission to do that in the absence of someone else?
  36. 61 points
    I would like to apologise in advance for any potential ramblings, I've hardly slept these past 48 hours. Life as a law-abiding paedophile has been quite inconvenient. I have been surrounded by children (mostly family) for a majority of my life, and being sexually attracted to some of them makes for some fairly frustrating situations. I'm 22 years old (my 1992 in my name should be 1991, I blame my laptop keyboard) and I've recently moved out and gotten my own place in Denmark. I've had sexual attractions to pre-pubescent boys for as long as I've had sexual attractions, and close contact or seeing them lightly-dressed is all that it takes to pop a full-blown erection that's hard to get rid of. I've been fairly good at hiding it, nobody suspects a thing, but it's not been easy. For example, I used to love swimming when I was younger, but that hasn't been an option these past 10 years. Same goes for a lot of physical contact with children (messing around, sitting on my lap etc.(Nothing sexual)) Hell, I can't even use a urinal in fear of who could potentially decide to take a leak next to me. Otherwise I'd consider myself quite solid, psychologically. My childhood was a bit on the rough side, but that's past me, and I haven't suffered from any mental issues since I was a child. (Well, apart from you know what) Of course the internet hasn't helped. Despite being a nihilistic anti-theist paedophile whose demise half the world would cherish, while the other half would be indifferent, I surprisingly enough care about people, to the extent where child pornography (abuse) doesn't interest me. Not sickening as in it makes me feel horrible, but I take no joy in observing it. The discovery of online nudism, on the other hand, hasn't been one of my proudest moments. Many nights have disappeared just looking through the endless galleries. But most of all, I want to get rid of the fantasies. They're entirely harmless and at this stage don't cause me any moral qualms anymore, but it's not my actions I fear, I don't fear living out my fantasies. I'd sooner kill myself than force myself upon a child (And I love living), but the thought of someone finding out who I really am is what keeps me up at night. My family and friends mean everything to me, and I know for certain that I'd lose them if anyone ever found out. I want normality, I want to take my brothers swimming, I want to go to the beach and enjoy the sun without perverted urges, and one day, I'd even like children of my own. I'm not sexually attracted to women's bodies, but I like the company of women, and the idea of a relationship with a woman is one that has intrigued me for years, but I don't see it happening the way things are now. I purposely keep to myself whenever I can help it. Online I've established a near-sociopathic personality, and I seem to have a gift for it, 'cause thousands would recognise my aliases. Calling people out on bullshit (pardon my french) isn't exactly what I'd like to be remembered by. - - - And that all leads me to the idea of chemical castration. I recently discovered what that actually means (bloody misleading name, chemical "castration"), but there seem to be limited resources on the subject online. Most articles on the subject stereotypically confuse paedophilia with child molestation, and typically focus more on whether it's morally righteous to force child molesters to receive the treatment, and they do so in such a tone that you almost have to wonder "why would you possibly volunteer for this?" I've visited Eunuch.org, but their entire 7 threads on the subject aren't exactly a thriving encyclopædia of knowledge. I plan on eventually crossposting a majority of this post on their forums, along with probably posting it to a forum focusing more on the medical aspect (more perspectives = better, right?) I haven't enjoyed masturbation in several years. It feels like a sub-conscious burden to me, one that I have little control of. It's not that I feel any guilt, orgasms just aren't enjoyable, and seem entirely arbitrary. I know damn well that I will never have sex with a child despite what I've schemed in my fantasies in the many late nights, so the thought of simply losing all interest in sexuality just by taking a pill or a shot has been dominating my mind these last few weeks. Sexually, it seems to me I've got nothing to lose, and if it doesn't work out, it's not permanent, right? So how do I go about this? At this stage, any thoughts and advice, on anything at all, would be greatly appreciated. I've got many questions, so if you know the answers to any of them, please share your thoughts. I'll try to list them. a) First of all, should I do it? It's obviously my own choice, but success/failure stories would help with that decision. How would I go about starting this process? Again, I live in Denmark, so it's probably outside of your area. Who should I talk to, and how, and what kind of confidentiality can I expect (Tried looking that up in Danish, didn't have much luck. Will try again after much needed sleep) c) Would I, after a period of (X) weeks of treatment, be able to once again walk into a communal shower with the certainty that I wouldn't get an unwanted erection, as opposed to the certainty of getting one previously? Would I be able to normally interact with children without a desire to have sex with them? d) If I were to go through with this, which drugs? I've read about Androcur, Depo Provera, Spirotone and a few others. How likely are the side-effects of whichever drug is preferable, and how severe? Two common ones that caught my eye were swollen breast tissue and a decline in liver function. If any of those two were to happen, how severe would/could they be, and would they be reversible? The financial aspect isn't an issue. e) Alternatives to Chemical Castration all-together? f) If all sexual drive is lost, would wet dreams become more common? Throughout my life I've only ever had one. Well, that quickly became a wall of text. I'm gonna try to catch some sleep and look back here whenever I wake up. If anything in this post doesn't go hand in hand with the forum rules, well, not much I can do, as the link to the rules gives a 404 error.
  37. 60 points

    sexually inexperienced

    Hi, im a 40 yr old guy who is in need of sexual emperience with women. i have only had normal sex and want to have more adventerous sex! i haven't even had anal sex or !
  38. 55 points
    This is hard to talk about but I'm going to try my best to make it not sound wrong or like something else. So when I was younger whenever I saw another kid my age go to the bathroom or naked or anything, I was simply excited or interested. It was a weird thing, it just caught my attention. It was a form of curiosity. Anyway, as I'm growing older, I'm having moments where that part of me sort of returns. I'll state here now that I do not think I have a sexual attraction to children... having sexual attraction to something, in my opinion, is something much greater than how I feel in these situations. When I saw my younger cousin getting changed, I panicked and felt sick... I didn't feel well, but had that same curiosity I did when I was younger. As a kid, it aroused me, and now, it sort of does, but I find it hard since I really don't have a physical, pulling, sexual attraction to children. I'm afraid I'm rationalizing, though.... I'm a VERY obsessive person, and I have an obsessive-compulsive personality, and I keep obsessing about this and rationalizing and rethinking this. In an obsessive "fit," I'll test to see if I really am attracted to children or something, and if I imagine doing something sexual, any excitement or curiosity dies. When I saw my cousin getting changed, a feeling of nostalgia passed through me. When I saw my younger cousin getting changed, I was reminded of when I was a kid and saw other kids in the bathroom or getting changed. This is all hard to explain and my thoughts are pretty complex in this situation. Basically, it's as if the memories of seeing other kids when I was younger is sort of haunting me, and sort of trying to excite, arouse, or comfort me. I'm not sure what this means. I'm very afraid of being a pedophile of infantophile. I obsess and cringe everyday over it. And when I see young kids, I question this. Here's the interesting part: sometimes, my obsessive-compulsive personality will fade or disappear due to a number of things (a drug, simply being relaxed, change of thought, doing something different, etc.) When this happens, interestingly enough, the excitement and curiosity I feel almost completely disappears. It's as if my obsessive mind is making me feel and re-experience the pleasure I experienced as a kid when I see those things. If I see a young child naked, which, of course, isn't sexual, I'm reminded of what I saw when I was a kid, and for some reason, that sort of excites me and is kind of arousing. If I stop thinking (through deep relaxation, of course) and look at this, there's no excitement or arousal... I'm very afraid I'm some sick person, but at the same time, this situation is very complex. It's also strange how the feelings can go away so easily. I know how pedophiles and infantophiles cannot simply get rid of their issues. In my dreams, usually, this feeling also goes away, and I usually do not feel that way in those situations. I wonder... is it possible that I experienced some trauma that's making me sort of "cling on" to what excited or aroused me when I was a kid? I'd like to note that having sex with a woman is very appealing to me and is much more stronger, deeper, and more complex and satisfying to me than any feeling I get when I see, let's say, my younger cousin getting changed. I also have Asperger's, which helps contribute to my obsessive thoughts, so that probably affects this as well. When i see a kid fully clothed, I think nothing. I would imagine that most pedophiles or infantophiles think sexual thoughts even then. But then again, are these thoughts I'm having even fully sexual? Compared to my feelings with women, I feel that they aren't. But am I rationalizing? I'd appreciate kind and intelligent feedback... this is all hard and I'm cringing and obsessing each day, wondering if I'm an evil, sick person... maybe some positive reinforcement could help... thanks.
  39. 54 points

    Beaded sleeve

    Walked into the sex shop with a buddy and saw this beaded three inch penis sleeve. Nothing too crazy. For the female users I ask..... Is this worth buying? It basically is a silicone tube you stick your dick in that adds girth but it also has beads on it. I figured it looks fun and it won't completely come off like I'm trying to thicken my penis because of the beads. I was thinking about buying a 5-6 inch vibrTor she could maybe use if she lets me do anal while she uses it. I dunno. Just throwing ideas out there. I want to surprise her, don't really feel like asking.
  40. 54 points
    Hello everyone , my name is Cindy Helen , I'm 17 years old . I am depressed . I always had problems with the school lacked in many classes and so I lost five years. All seemed well at the beginning of this year , I moved in with my father . I was sad because I hate him, but the school was motivated to accomplish my dreams . I moved to my mother's house , now I live alone here , because she works in another city . I can not leave the house . Do not go out three months or in the courtyard of my house . I spend the whole day sleeping , or lying down . Reading , eating . I really want to change , but not the support of my friends I have more . I lost all of them, because I always made ​​excuses not to go out with them . Nobody cares about me . I can not stand this life , I wanted to have a routine . But I'm sick of people do not go out in the street , and when I leave , I regret . I bought seeds aconitum napellus and I'm thinking of killing myself . But before that , I want to seek help to see if these bad thoughts leave me alone . Sorry for my english, I'm not American.
  41. 53 points

    The man in the mirror

    So anyway, blah blah blah, stupid rant. Night.
  42. 52 points

    Cuteness Overload

    The title is just a warning that this is about lolcats (and loldogs too if anyone has any, we won't be too felinist). If you think that is mushy, this is the spoiler. Grumpy Cat may make an appearance just to balance the overload; we can all be crabby. Some days extra crabby. But mainly, this is supposed to be funny. Feel free to contribute any funny ones you have seen. This is the thread background: And here is the first one:
  43. 52 points

    CBT for ED's

    Several people in my cbt group had a lot of success with using the TEA form thought counter exercise in changing the way they looked at food and eating. I can't comment on first hand experience but it changed the way I looked at things and reduced the accompanying anxiety to almost nil so I can certainly see how the process would work on ED's as well and anxiety and panic disorder which I did suffer from. It may be worth looking into. The book we started my group with called Been there, Done that? DO THIS! by Sam Obitz is real good and straight forward if you want learn more about cbt. I hope this is useful to someone:confused:
  44. 52 points

    Fired my Case Manager

    Quite frankly I'm tired of her BS. Earlier this year she cancelled my trip to the store the day before and I was OUT of food. All of my money was in the bank so I had no way of taking public transportation. I had to order pizza for nearly 10 days while waiting for a few dvds to sell on Craigslist. I spent $153 on Pizza-Hut. She refused to take me yesterday but knowing the shit she likes to pull I scheduled with public transportation a week in advance.
  45. 51 points

    Mental Hospital

    I've been thinking a lot lately about death and killing myself. I want to see a therapist, and I've told my mother that I want to - she's supportive, but she's really disorganized and busy, so she never really gets around to helping me figure it out. I'm in college in a different city than her. So anyway, what I want it to go to a mental hospital. I know that it might be really really difficult, and maybe even not a positive experience - the rigid schedule, the restrictions, the lock up...but I want more than anything to have a stable, controlled environment for a short time so I can sort my stuff out in a less chaotic environment. Does anyone have experience in mental hospitals? Is this a reasonable want? Can you tell me what it's like to be in one? Any advice or insight? Any input you have is welcome.
  46. 50 points
    This is what I feel is the female equivalent to a man dealing with a small penis. From the wiring in a females brain to a mans there's a goal. Birth children and competing. It's extremely important. Dealing with family and society and the expectations. The fact there's no cure for you. I feel like this would be far worse for women if it were acceptable to mock them and laugh at them for their misfortune. I posted the link below. Men with small dicks please read and let me know go you agree this is a close comparison to how women would feel in our shoes. I don't buy the fat skinny big tits small tits ass whatever arguement. Please let me know if I'm way of base here. I personally don't think I am. http://m.voices.yahoo.com/how-deal-depression-infertility-6545932.html
  47. 50 points

    Depressed for too long

    Life is pretty hard, I have been thinking it is that way because so I can appreciate the good times. Somehow I feel like by dying I would set myself free from all the troubles and things that torment me everyday. This thought has been with me for a long time stuck to me as the final and glorious solution. I have taken so many so many pills and go to therapy for too long, psychiatric hospitals once and it was useless. I spent a couple of years taking classes that I like and trying to meet people and make friends, but people can be cruel and most don't care or don't wanna deal with it. I am alone I feel lost I am hurting. I don't wanna fake a smile, or lie anymore I feel stuck. I don't know how to break free my family is so judgmental I don't wanna be a hotshot with a lot of money I just wanna be happy. every time I talk to them, I feel like they take all the hope away from me... I don't wanna turn out like my parents hating a job the have been in for 30 years and being married to someone who one can't stand. It doesn't matter what I say they don't listen all the want is to be what they want me to be. I feel like I still can make my own way, but I have been trying but isn't working I always fall into the same spot. Maybe I'm trying to blame someone for my pathetic life...? by now I have try so many thing I don't know what to do but to gave in... maybe I'll get some hope later and search again for a sparkle of light, I feel empty.
  48. 50 points

    Prostate Cancer

    My dad was recently diagnosed with Advanced Prostate Cancer. Complete shock... My dad is in better shape at 65 than I am. He isn't the best communicator. I'm trying to get a grasp on the emotional effects for a vibrant man going thru radiation and hormone therapy. (He refused surgery). Anyone here been thru this personally or had experience with a loved one going thru this? Just looking for some insight on the emotional side. I've read all the medical stuff. Worried about his mental state at this point. Thanks
  49. 50 points

    This is too much

    I don't know what to do. I feel like no matter what happens things are always going to go wrong. I'll start off by giving you a summary of my life I guess. I've had traumatic experiences, as most people have. I've been abused by my dad growing up. My parents are both hooked on drugs. I was raped when I was five and molested when I was fourteen. I've had three people close to me murdered. One being my cousin when I was eleven, a childhood friend when I was twelve, and I just recently discovered that my aunt's death was also a murder when she passed back in january. I'm always having to watch people I love suffer and die along with having to deal with my own mental issues. I've had hallucinations since I was little and they used to not be a big deal. I would see animals when I was a child and follow them out to random places. They stopped for a while and then came back when I was thirteen. Being nineteen now, I thought I had gotten a grip on my mental issues, but the hallucinating and anxiety is getting worse and more terrifying. I have visual and audible hallucinations of people, animals, blood, and voices telling me to give up or hurt myself. I've been to the hospital twice for extreme panic attacks, self injury, and suicide attempt. I feel like I'm being overwhelmed and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I do see a therapist, but that hasn't done anything for me. I need to figure out a way to handle this on my own before I end up doing something to hurt myself. I'm working two jobs with hardly any down time. I just moved out on my own. I'm trying to do well for myself but these issues are holding me back and it's not healthy. I've been vomiting every day for three months due to stress and I've lost a lot of weight. I've been to the doctor for it but, after running several tests, they said that because it's stress induced that there isn't anything I can do about it. I'm afraid. I feel like I'm falling apart and I've done everything I can think of. I really need to figure out what to do before it's to late... Thanks in advance for any help you can give me.
  50. 48 points
    A little background: My dating success over the past few years has been rather abysmal. I've had a couple blind dates that didn't go over well and it seemed they were there mainly for the free meal. I think the last kiss that I got was just a quick peck on the lips in 2006. So my boss tells me that we're going to have a visitor from one of our overseas departments and wanted volunteers to take M to dinner a night or two. That's usually not a big deal, we possibly hit some local touristy things, get something to eat, drop them back off at their hotel, and then submit the dinner bill in an expense report. I don't have anything better to do, so what the hell. M had been here before, but I don't think I had ever met her. I go to my boss' office to talk to him about something and M is there. She asks who I am, I tell her, she gets a big smile on her face, runs up, and gives me a hug (the women in that department like to hug for some reason...and nobody really cares why). That startles me bit at first, but that's ok. So after work we hit one of the local sites with a few other people from work, go to dinner, and I walk her to her hotel. The people in our departments consider us both to be quiet, shy, introverted/reserved/whatever, so our personalities are very similar. As we talked, it was obvious that we got along like a house on fire. At one point, I had my arm around her to help keep her balance. Before we know it, it's well past midnight, she gives me a hug goodbye, she goes up to her room, and I go home. Over the next couple days, she brings me along for lunch, and sits next to me in meetings. On the last night, we do the same sort of thing as we did the other night. This time she mentions that she wanted to call me after one of the other guys had dropped her off at 7pm, but went to sleep because she was tired from being out so late with me the night before. We talk about lots of different topics. At one point she asks why I hadn't been seeing anyone and if there was anyone at my office that I liked. I said I didn't want personal life interfering with work (rumors, gossip, etc.. SPS forum readers know what I'm referring to), there are very few women - specifically single women - at this office, and our HR dept has a hair trigger for firing people over "uncomfortable workplace" complaints. We move on to other topics and before we know it, it is past 3am and we're still sitting in the lobby talking. She hugs me good bye again, and in a few short hours, I'm back to take her to the airport. I give her another hug and say goodbye (thanks TSA for ruining the ability to sit with people at the gate). Over the weekend we exchange a few emails to continue the conversation about the things we talked about. By now some are people are probably thinking "It sounds like she's interested in you, but you do nothing but talk. WTF?" True. I'm attracted to her and she ticks ever box on my checklist: compatible personalities, smart, funny, sweet voice, pretty, killer body, even thinks I'm handsome, etc. But, she's married. Other people who know her said that he's a bit of a jerk and she said it's a love-less marriage where she stays out duty to her kid. So, I was a gentleman and didn't try to do anything more than talk, even though the temptation was there. But I can't get her out of my bloody mind. Apparently the feeling is mutual and she hasn't been sleeping because she's been thinking about me. Yesterday, she IM'ed me hinting around that she had been thinking about asking me something on Friday, but couldn't say what. On a phone call, she mentioned that when I hugged her goodnight, she really wanted to kiss me, but was too chicken to ask (remember the we're both shy part?). Today, she mentioned that she was up all night again thinking about when our faces were close and we could have kissed. She also mentions that when she got into the elevator, she didn't turn around because she was afraid if I was still in sight, she would have stopped the elevator and asked me back to her room. Now, I'm not the brightest bulb in the world when it comes to women, but I'm pretty sure that she's falling for me and vice versa. She's married, has a kid, is a citizen of another country, and yet I still want her. W T F!!!!!!! It's gone from relationship desert to bat-shit crazy in less than a week and I need to figure out a way to cool things down, but not piss her off or break her heart. Why can't I just be like other guys and meet single women that live here?
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