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  1. Thanks, you guys! I really appreciate this :-)
  2. Hi Community! I used to come here a lot, when I was still in my abusive relationship. A little over a year ago I left him, and have been very busy getting used to my new life. Mostly it's been SO MUCH BETTER, though there are times I still feel really horrid. I would NEVER go back to him, though...!! Back when I was on here a lot, trying to deal with my abusive husband and his treatment of me (which you guys SO VERY MUCH HELPED ME WITH, THANK YOU SO MUCH) I never really thought of, or remembered that when we first got together, I was so angry with the mistake I'd made, and how trapped I felt, how I'd ruined my life by choosing an abusive spouse (he didn't start being abusive until our son was born) I used to take the anger out on myself by beating myself in the head. I'd use my fists, or any hard object that lended itself to the task, I'd hit myself as hard as I could, I wanted to smash my own head in, I hated myself so much for being so. incredibly. stupid! The nice thing about these injuries is that they didn't show. I'd go about with big bruised goose-eggs under my hair. I cut myself once or twice, but mostly I beat myself in the head. Sometimes I'd hit myself in the face, but of course those bruises showed, and I was afraid of inciting his ire (more than I usually did anyway). Now I'm worried I've injured my brain. Some days I feel so lost and confused and I can't keep things straight. I can't remember things. I can't remember words I want to say. I feel like I have Alzheimer's, but I'm "only" 45. My mother is still living, and at 72 she shows no signs of dementia that I notice (though I see her only once a year or less). I tried looking up info on head trauma, but most of what is out there seemed to be about really bad brain trauma, TBI, such as is seen in wars and car accidents. Not self-injury. I haven't done this (SI) in years... about 10! Maybe I just got past the intense shock and anger with myself for ruining my life. I got used to my situation, I guess. Are there any doctor types out there who have any experience with SI head trauma??? Do you think I should see a doctor and get evaluated? Would they laugh me out of their office? I don't have insurance, so I thought I'd look into this before taking the plunge. Jane
  3. I feel like I know how you feel. The only other human I see in any meaningful way is my son. Otherwise I'm completely alone. I live and work alone. I kind of don't even mind that much. I feel very abnormal when I think of how other people live, but when I interact with people at all, I always mess it up somehow. I say or do the wrong thing, and even when I apologize, I don't ever see any forgiveness. I feel like everyone else is perfect and I'm fatally flawed in some way that I don't understand and can never fix. It's very frustrating, but for what it's worth, I think I understand some of what you feel. I wish I had some sage advice for a sure fix... but obviously, I don't!!! Jane
  4. "woman up" Is exactly what I'm doing, and it means shutting up, as saying the literal or equivalent of "**** You" is A) ineffective and damaging. But I appreciate the moral support, if that's how you meant it!! XD After reading through that site I have decided I must MUST keep my mouth shut and ignore it. The main reason is for my son. My Ex makes my son live his lies, and I think my son might be afraid of dealing with me at times because he's afraid he'll give something away, or similar, and I'll confront Ex about his lying. My demanding to be dealt with honorably by someone who's incapable of it has only created an atmosphere of conflict, which is harmful to our child. My hope on some level was that our kid would learn truth from fiction, but I think it may have the opposite effect: scaring him into becoming a pathological liar himself. It's easy and pleasant to lie your way through life. Not so easy or pleasant to be truthful. So yeah. My New Year's Resolution is to LET HIM LIE and don't say a thing about it. It will be tough. Must squash ego.
  5. Oops, I didn't see your question Allan before now, but I do agree very much with what you said, I used to work in the medical arena too, so I have some understanding of the financial constraints and the practices to deal with it. It all makes me wonder if the medicine for profit model can work, particularly in mental health, but to some extent all health is mental!
  6. Oh hey, I happened to do a search on google, and look what I found! http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/lying-and-deception.html A whole site dedicated to liars, specifically within relationships but they also have a section on how to deal with a lying child. They also have a forum, and other related topics. :-) I'd still love to hear how people deal with the liars in their lives, though, if you're dealing with that too. I'd like to hear positive coping strategies. How to heal yourself after dealing with this kind of person, etc. I'm just starting to confront the lies themselves, and how best to handle them.
  7. My ex is a habitual liar. It's like he lives two lives, the real one, and the one he makes up. Talking to him on the phone, I hear what he's saying, but it's like translating his speech into another language. If he says he did A, he was more likely doing B. I know the language well enough, unfortunately! But in general, how are you supposed to deal with liars? If you know someone is lying to you do you call them on it or just ignore it? It had been my practice to call him on it, which just resulted in a lot of angry denials and/or "adjustments" to the tale. The thing I hate(d) most about it, is it feels so insulting!!! Like, just how stupid does he think I am??? But I probably should not let that bother me anymore. He's not my husband/partner anymore, so why should I care if he lies like a rug? Why should I feel the need to let him know I know he's lying? What does it accomplish? It just makes him mad, and creates conflict. I don't go out of my way to deal with him, but we have a son, so a certain amount of contact is necessary, unfortunately. I have to be stronger about this, not let it get to me, but it too often does! Does anyone have any good strategies for dealing with liars in your life? What is the *right* way to handle it? Jane
  8. Fascinating, thank you! It makes sense, really!
  9. Hi! I finally split up with my husband/partner of 12 years. I strongly believe him to have Narcissistic and/or Borderline personality traits, and our relationship was very high conflict. One thing I find very distressing, is that I find myself acting like him at times, especially when I have to deal with him. I find myself lying, being evasive, manipulative, etc. He never tells me a straight truth, and I am beginning to treat him the same way, just as some kind of shield against him. Or so I tell myself!! It makes me wonder if personality disorder is communicable!! >_< I read in a book about verbally abusive relationships, that women who are verbally abusive are generally beyond help... UNLESS she is doing it to her abuser. That was a huge help, I hated the person I was becoming with him. He was horrifically verbally abusive of me, and at times I would respond in kind, just to show him what it felt like. Now he thinks HE was abused. Well I suppose he was, but does it count if you're only responding in kind? That, for me, is one major reason I had to get the heck away from him. But because we have a son together, I still have to deal with him, and I STILL catch him lying to me, being cagey and all that. So far he hasn't verbally abused me since then, but I can't imagine he never will. I have to remind myself that this man is NOT my friend, and I cannot just hand him personal insights or vulnerabilities and expect him to deal with me honorably. It's sad, but indeed why I left. I wasted 12 years of my life on this person. Ugh. Does it make me a bad person to feel that way?? But anyway. Yeah. The hardest thing about dealing with him is having to sort of be LIKE him, just to protect myself on some level. I can't be real, and that's not me. I am not someone who likes to lie, I don't want to waste brain space creating and keeping track of some artificial reality for the sake of keeping others guessing, or under control, or safely mystified, which is his tactic. Yet I feel I must do this, to protect myself from him. Just. ARGH. Jane
  10. I read somewhere that anorexia is common in girls with Asperger's Syndrome, and that Asperger's is way more common in girls than previously thought... that it manifests itself differently from how it manifests in boys, and that consequently it's being missed!! Asperger's is on the autism spectrum, and I'm pretty sure it's genetic, from what I've read (I'm not a clinician of any sort, just someone who's interested in mental health, personality, and human development). Your daughter may have refused meds because she's worried they'll make her fat. I know that anti-depressants make me gain weight, so I refuse to take them. Why add that misery to my other woes? When I went off Celexa I eventually lost the 40 lbs it made me gain. ^^;; Of course you said your daughter hadn't refused anti-depressants, but maybe she's worried other meds might have the same effect. Just a thought. In any case, you sound like an amazing person!! Your writing is terrific, and you and your family sound like you are really trying to help each other, and have all overcome amazingly difficult things. I don't have any really helpful advice, I suppose, just a message of support. Good luck with everything! It's so scary to be young... I wouldn't be young again for anything. Jane
  11. You don't seem like a psychopath to me, you *do* feel remorse, or you wouldn't be distressed at the thought of being a psychopath. Most of the people on this part of the Personality Disorder Spectrum never spontaneously go to therapy or even think they have a problem!! I think you are very young, scared, and confused. That's okay!! OCD is on the Anxiety Spectrum, not the antisocial spectrum... Anyway. I'm not a therapist or a Mental Health professional of any kind. I have Avoidant Personality Disorder (also on the anxiety spectrum) and I lived with someone whom I believe to have antisocial traits. If you have a diagnosis (your OCD), and you're having difficulty, do try to get back into therapy. If you have someone to talk to about your stress, you won't need to be hurting your pets, or stealing things. I think you have more empathy than you know. Maybe you feel so much you need to pretend to yourself you don't?? I don't know... I wish you good luck! Jane
  12. I know you're frustrated with your kids right now, but to me they sound great!! I love it that your son dissects everything, what a great quality to have, I think. You sound very self-aware and analytical too, so maybe he takes after you :-) I agree with Allan about the possible ADHD. You *MUST* get that looked into, your son will have a very hard time in the world if it remains undiagnosed and untreated. Your family dinnertime talks sound wonderful, I wish I knew some strategies. My family never talked. My family now is headed by someone who overtalks everyone and always knows best. >_< I am sorry though, that you are so stressed!! That is not good, my heart goes out to you. Are you seeing a doctor at all? You definitely should have checkups and let your doc know about your family history of heart attacks and about your stress level. I wish I had more helpful advice, but I can at least offer moral support! :-) Good luck, you sound like a good man and a conscientious dad! :-D Jane
  13. I know what you mean about putting your husband first. I'm in the process of leaving my horrifically verbally abusive husband, and I feel a far greater connection to my son these days, now that he is not eclipsed by my inability to make things work with my husband. I gave up on the husband, but the kid is awesome. Your situation is tough, working swing shifts, and your family out of your sights so much, it's hard to have a cohesive unit just for that reason, I'd imagine. If the only time you guys spend together away from a screen is camping, then I suppose you should try to do a lot of camping!! :-) My family did this when we were young, in all weather, haha. As for your daughter's waterworks, just talk to her about stuff. Take her feelings seriously, don't invalidate her!! My mother is terrible for this kind of thing. I guess she couldn't handle my worries and upsets, but I never felt she supported me, either. To this day we are not close, I feel I have no mother. So my advice there is, please just talk to them!! Talk about what you saw together on the TV, ask her how it made her feel, tell her how you felt. Just that is such a rare gift. Good luck with everything! Jane
  14. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this!! His behavior is simply unacceptable. I think you have your head and heart in the right place. My son is still young so I don't have personal experience with this kind of thing, so I can't offer any very useful advice, but I do send you a message of moral support. Good luck with everything, I hope things improve soon!!!
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