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beautifully flawed

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beautifully flawed last won the day on July 17 2009

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About beautifully flawed

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  • Birthday 09/16/1981
  1. It took some time for me to relate to her. I'm not sure it would have happened if I had not haphazardly ended up working in my current field. I deal with BPD on a daily basis (mostly parents) and think I am becoming quite good at being an understanding force for parents with DD children. I like to think the universe led me to this field although occasionally it gets to me in negative ways . I hate that you are unable to relate to your parents Finding. In my life it has been me trying to understand them, forgive them, love them and not so much them trying to do those things for me. Is it the same for you?
  2. Hi Misty, I am relatively new to this site as well. Don't worry so much about being a good mother, you already are because you are being as real as is appropriate with your children. If you love and support them that is what they will remember always. My mother was undiagnosed bipolar throughout my childhood (officially diagnosed 6 years ago). She still refuses to admit she has an illness because of the stigma Linda mentioned earlier. Mental illness is no ones fault, hiding only makes it worse for your children. I wish my family had been honest with me about our histories instead of hiding them. Love your family and they will love you.>>>BF
  3. I have 2 best friends that I have had for 10+ years but I do not tell them everything. Both are well adjusted and have not had the issues I have in my life. They do both know quite a bit about me and my family but I think they get annoyed with me because things are so hard for me. I feel lucky that they have even stuck around and I fear that one day they won't be here at all anymore. I met them before socializing became so difficult, when I had a reasonable amount of self esteem. I think it boils down to self confidence for most of us.
  4. Hi everyone...I just wanted to share my experiences with my mother. She was diagnosed bipolar 6 years ago but never told me. My mother has always been difficult to deal with. For most of my life I thought my mother hated me mainly because she would become irrationally angry frequently and without warning. She purposefully embarrassed me and my siblings in front of family members and in public whenever she got the chance. She makes every situation about her even my sister's high school graduation which she successfully ruined for her and all of her friends. They had to call family members in the middle of the night to come pick them up because of my mother. That night she told me I ruined her life by being born. I always thought she hated me. I avoided her physically and left the state for several years but she would call me out of the blue and tell me all of the things I had done to her, she would always say that she wasn't taking the abuse from us anymore. I always felt so torn, I wanted to love her but I didn't understand why she was doing these things. While I was out of state she had a stroke and was hospitalized. After she recovered she began seeing a professional, I'm not sure what his title was. She would call me and that he told her things like she was right about us and needed to start taking care of herself. She could have me crying in under 10 mins every time. She never told me she was bipolar. I moved back in state 4 years ago and avoided her as much as possible. I did see and speak to her but only when I had to. I got a phone call last year saying she was in a hospital in my town. I went there to stay with her and endured the absolute worst experience I have had with her since coming back into state. She verbally attacked every hospital staff member who came in her room. She told each one of them how bad her children were to her, she told them it was our fault she had a stroke and that we abused her. She made my life miserable, I wanted to leave but no one else would come for several days. My brother and sister refused to come at all. She called my grandmother, my sister, my brother and her sister to tell them how bad I was treating her. I could see the one nurse who didn't let her get under his skin giving me "hang in there looks". I been working with people with developmental and intellectual disabilities for 2 years now. I started to see that my mother wasn't in control of herself. I went to the nurse and asked if they had found any drugs in her system. He said no but then told me her bipolar med levels were low because she hadn't been taking them. That's how I found out she was bipolar. I has become easier to deal with her now that I know she has a disease and is not in control of herself all of the time. She still has bad times but I feel like I can deal with them much better now. I now realize that she never hated me and we have a relationship now. When she gets bad I now get angry at the disease and not her.
  5. misrbl1: Threatening suicide is the ultimate weapon of control. It must be a very difficult situation if both she and your son are suffering from a serious illness. I read your previous thread. I can imagine that guilt must play in here somewhere. You must be under tremendous stress, try to find ways to care for yourself. You mentioned the difficulty with moving your son, if you decide to leave there may be programs that can help you in your area. Check with your insurance. I have hope for you and wish you and your son all the best. Finding: Thanks for remembering me! I am doing ok, I still struggle but I am making progress. My self confidence is at an all time high. Love...BF
  6. I have recently ended a short relationship with a man who I had dated 3 years before. He changed in many ways during the interlude. I am writing this because I feel like I dodged a HUGE bullet when I ended it with him and I am amazed at that. The subtle manipulations, the degrading comments, the complete disregard for my thoughts and opinions. We have been broke up for 3 1/2 months and I just realized yesterday after listening to a talk radio program about how abuse starts that I was even in an abusive situation. It was not physical at all but I know believe that it would have become so if I had stayed with him. It started when I had to depend on him a hopeless situation. He acted like it was such a bother and I felt guilty. Then those hopeless situations started to happen every few weeks. Then all of a sudden I owed him things, things I didn't want to do. All of sudden he was criticizing my grooming habits and asking my why I didn't do things that other women do (i.e. shaving the way he wanted me to). But he didn't like when I pointed out that he has the hairiest back I have ever seen (he he). The comparisons to other women alone pissed me off so much that I had to fight off the urge to tell him to leave twice. But I still felt like I owed him something. In one case he told me that I was "too independent and needed to start listening to him instead of my brother". Red flag! He got angry because I didn't want to spend the night at his house, precisely because it was "his house!". He purposefully stared at other women while we were out together I'm pretty sure just to make me jealous but I never took the bait, he is no prize. When we first started dating, he didn't want to let me pay for anything and acted like my doing so emasculated him. Then suddenly I was spending all of his money and I had to pay for it some way. All of the hopeless situations I mentioned involved vehicles. When my first car died the mechanic asked me if I had an angry ex boyfriend because he had never seen that happen before. I bought a used car after that. He didn't approve of the buy and 4 weeks later the same problem happened to new car that had happened to my old one. I didn't put the pieces together then. My new car survived but continued to have expensive problems. I didn't listen and specifically told him that I could not afford it and would have my brother (who had volunteered) do it. He had it done anyway and then accused me of using him (he also refused to tell me how much it cost and when I broke up with him he used that as proof of what a user I was). The last straw(s) was when he became extremely angry and started hitting the table and later sent me a nasty message when I told him that I had plans with my friends and sister for a weekend and wouldn't see him until the next Monday. I still felt guilty, he made me feel like I owed him something but I just felt in my gut that this was not right. No one had ever treated me that way before. I doubted myself. But only briefly. There were many other instances that I do not have time to mention. The scariest part is the conversation I had with my sister last night. I met this man through a family member which means my sister knows him too. She told me that he has been coming over to her house to spend time with said family member and flirting with her. He told her that I was "different" but she wasn't. He offered to do some work to her car but got angry when she took it to a mechanic herself. He stormed out of her house without saying a word because she put a meat that he doesn't like in a dish she made for dinner. My sister is of course is completely uninterested and doesn't want to be around him anymore. The problem lies with our family member who has been close to him for several years. I plan to go to my sister's for dinner on Sunday, we plan to talk to this family member while I'm there and ask that this person not be invited back. I think this is the best thing for everyone but I'm a little afraid that it will not go over so well. I think he tries to control females because he feels inferior with males. I hope that others out there who are going through similar situations figure it out as quickly as we did and people who are living in abusive situations find the strength to get out of them. No one has the right to degrade or control you. YOU ARE NOT PROPERTY!. This kind of thing does not discriminate by age, sex or race. It can affect anyone. Trust your gut, if it doesn't feel right it probably isn't. Please get help if you think you need it. Love>>>BF
  7. hi i like your screen name

  8. Thanks to all of you who replied to my post. After writing that post I went to see a friend who is a step above me in the same field. She basically said it was the same for her when she was facing the prospect of promotion in our very regulated career field. I felt much better after speaking with her and reading these posts. I am amazed by the amount of support the people here have given me. Thank you all. Post anxiety attack, I can now see that it IS a great sign that I am being considered for a promotion after only being with the company for a year and that most of my fears are irrational. It was reassuring to hear from Danni, (being from the same field) a person who can truly understand the pressure. I do care very much for the people I serve which makes my job even more stressful at times but, in the end, worth it. The points David O offered make complete sense and seem like they will help quite a bit when I figure out how to apply them. I do tend to take on more than I can handle at times (part of my perfectionist nature) and have been trying to delegate more lately. I completely agree with the last paragraph of David's post, the best way to learn is by experience and that will only come with time. What I am taking away from this is to slow down and take a look at the smaller picture, piece by piece, until I can fit it all together. BF
  9. Hi I have posted in the community before but not in this category. I am having problems with anxiety involving my job. I am currently employed at my first professional job working with people with developmental disabilities. I am a supervisor responsible for the at home care of 35 clients. I am terrified of making mistakes. Even the smallest mistake makes me feel terrified that I will attract negative attention from my superiors. I even have stressful dreams about my job most nights. Next fall my immediate supervisor MAY be leaving the company to pursue a political career. When she told me this she said that she wanted to recommend me for her job. In theory, this would be a great opportunity for my career but I am already stressed out thinking about the amount of responsibility that would come with the job. It may not even happen but I am experiencing extreme bouts of anxiety and fear. Sometimes causing my heart to race and the urge to cry (this happens about 1x per week with my normal case load) I realize I am probably having anxiety attacks. I guess I am worried that if I cannot even handle the amount of responsibility I have now then I will definitely not be able to handle more. Does anyone have any suggestions about how to improve my confidence in my abilities and better handle work related stress? Thanks for the consideration. BF
  10. Hi Finding, I'm doing alright today thanks for the concern. Things went well with my friends, which reminds me of why they are friends in the first place. They know all of my shortcomings and still want to put up with me. I always make things seem worse than they really are. Do you ever just wish you could get out of your head for a while (without the booze)? I made it through most of the day without a drink. You? Ray, I understand your (as I perceived ) resentment for traditional (?) recovery programs. I have never tried AA but I don't think it will be an option for me at any point. I have a bit of an understanding of social services as well. I know that I have the ability to be a sober, happy person someday of my own volition. I have already changed so much. Looking back at when my drinking problem first began I was miserable, trying to fit in where I didn't belong and attempting to be a person I knew deep down I was not. Now that I have a bit of a better understanding of who I might really be things are getting a little better over time. If I keep going in this direction I will get there, someday.
  11. Hi everyone! I am in good spirits now because the work week is over. I was not doing so well last week and earlier this week. I am maintaining my previously mentioned (earlier post) alcohol consumption but the stresses of my job and life are getting to me right now. Some financial issues have come up and I cannot see a solution to the problem. I am leaving soon to see some friends but I don't really feel like going and haven't for awhile. I have turned down every social invitation I have gotten for at least a month. I think I am slipping into a depression and I know that makes me drink more. Living alone seems to facilitating these feelings. Everything is going wrong.
  12. I have been off line for several months but I am back now. An update for anyone who is interested: I am still drinking but have cut back drastically. I moved out of my house where I had 2 roommates and into an apartment of my own. At first this was bad for me, I was getting drunk every night and having a difficult time getting to work on time in the mornings. After a couple of months the financial situation really hit me. I couldn't afford internet access and was struggling to pay my bills. I realized the amount of money I spend on alcohol and tobacco per month is more than enough to cover me. I have now cut my addictions in half and money was the motivator. I don't know about the future but I feel like I am doing okay now.
  13. I can relate to this tread. I am also an over eater. I do not understand why I am so overcome by my addictions. I feel like I have no power against them. I would rather sit at home alone indulging in food and alcohol than find something more constructive to do.
  14. Referencing an earlier post, I too like to sing, cook and sew. Although I haven't sewn in a couple of years because I burned myself out making purses and curtains a few years ago. I took up crocheting after that and burned myself out on it too! I am a terrible cook but I like doing it. My sister and I make Sunday dinner every week.
  15. I did look into Rational Recovery and found it very interesting. I had never truly thought about the difference between "it" and me. I have been using that idea when fighting temptation. I am still drinking but not today. I completely agree with the idea of abstaining and clearing my head for awhile before deciding if moderation is possible and it very well may not. I do know myself and I am not the sort to stop at 1 or 2 drinks, it would take enormous self control to achieve drinking in moderation and I do not possess that now. Lie_Low's description of teasing fits.
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