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About Proverbs31:28

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  • Birthday 03/18/1971

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  1. ...just can't. I don't know why. I sit here night after night and read posts and feel the pain being poured out onto the keyboard by so many people who are suffering like me. People who would genuinely understand what I am dealing with and vice versa. I definitely want support and advice and I definitely want to offer support and advice when appropriate. But, the words don't come. I stare at the screen and search my mind for the words to express myself and just feel blank. Nothing comes to me. I'm so sorry for being so absent here.
  2. I shop twice a month out of necessity. Usually early morning or mid day when fewer people are around. I don't really do "strolls" as it is just way too hot and we really don't live in area conducive to strolling. Its not a bad area, but we live right off a major highway so no place to stroll really. Sometimes I think the isolation works just fine. Keeps triggers at bay and allows me to avoid any uncomfortable situations. But, as you said, then I feel bad because I know thats not healthy.
  3. I have decided to homeschool my kids this year because of my daughter's health. This is good for me mentally in that it means I don't spend my days worrying about them- they are a huge component of my anxiety issues! But, at the same time, it means I really have NO reason to leave my house anymore. When they were in school, I would visit their classrooms, help their teachers, attend school functions, birthday parties, etc. We still go to church on Sundays but I only interact with the same handful of people each week. I am signing the kids up for a homeschooling group because I don't want them isolated, so, starting next month, I will be forced back into at least weekly interaction with others. But, honestly, I still see myself avoiding real interaction and having a very surface relationship with these people- just to get my kids what they need. I guess I should be comforted by the relative ease this brings to my avoidance & isolation tendencies but, for some reason, it also makes me feel more broken. Its like I know this isn't a good thing despite how very much it works for me.
  4. I'm not sure if they are technically the same thing or not, but I definitely think they are, at the very least, similar. I have had several episodes of "major depression," usually landing in the hospital. Three of them played out in very public ways so, I totally understand what you mean about the shame and embarassment. I'm not sure I can offer you advice on how to "get over it" because, in many ways, I still live with it. I'm a total avoidant now. I know thats not the best advice, but its how I cope. Who are these people you are worrying about? You say you don't know them well- are they people that you need recurring contact with? Is there a reason you should care what they think? I am sure you have heard this before, but it is doubtful they "hate you" as you say. If anything, they are probably concerned or curious about what happened. Have you had any contact with any of them since? Has anyone said or done anything to let you know what they really think? Again, I am asking the same questions I often get asked, but I certainly don't downplay your fears about this, because I haven't really found good answers to those questions. In my case, the public scenarios involved people I knew well and had to face again and again. It forced me to change my life because I couldn't face them. But, let me tell you, it has been far more miserable living a solo lifestyle, avoiding everyone and everything that could possibly upset or trigger me, so I definitely do not recommend it as a course of action! I am sure others here will have better advice and suggestions for you. In the meantime, know that you are not alone in this, and I am here to listen!
  5. I would not take the lack of replies as a measure of importance here. As you mentioned, people are at different stages of their own journeys and some simply cannot respond right now. Others may have simply not been online since you posted (like me- first time on here today!) I do know what you mean about feeling like you are still on a treadmill in your mind. I often feels like my thoughts are going way faster than i can keep up with. Even when I try to be still and 'in the moment' my mind keeps going! Please keep posting and don't give up on the folks here. Can you share more details about where you are mentally? Are there new or recurring triggers you are dealing with? Keep talking if you can!
  6. I have a 3 close friends who I know want to be there for me. They call to check in. Lots of people check in to see how my daughter is doing but these 3 friends always ask about me, too: how am I handling things? How is my stress level, my anxiety, my thoughts? Only one knows that I tend to cut when I can't cope and, without being pushy, she always asks if I am to that point. Only one lives near me, the other two are 1 and 2 hours away from me. But, all of them would come as quick as they could if I asked them to. But, even knowing that they want to be there for me, that they want to help me, I jusy can't open up to them. Every time one of them calls or I see them, I always downplay things. I tell them I am handling everything fine, that I am getting enough sleep (I'm not!), that things are getting better (they're not.) The fact is, I can't admit how bad things are because then its real. It will be out there and I can't take it back. And, once they know how bad it is, they will try harder to help out and I don't want anyone going out of their way for me. Doing things for me that I should be able to do myself. And, when I imagine myself coming clean and sharing my innermost thoughts with any one of them, I know I'll be emotional, overwhelmed and will probably lose all control. I can't lose control. I just can't. As long as I can keep everything in a neat tidy little package that I can show to people, then most of them will leave me alone. My T keeps telling me I need to rely on people. That I need to allow people in. Thats easy to say when its not you. The truth is, I know I don't deserve this level of friendship from these women. I will never be able to repay them in kind. I'm not sure why they are so willing to invest themselves in me. I just can't bring myself to accept assistance that I know I don't deserve. But, at the same time, I am falling apart inside. It is too hard to hold my child night after night while she cries. It is hard to do what is best for her knowing it brings her such emotional pain. It is hard to see everyone else with healthy happy kids and wonder why not once, but twice, our family had to get the crappy hand! And, its harder still to do it all as a single mom. To know they have a dad who is "there" when its convenient for them, or when it will bring attention to himself. Otherwise, he pays them no mind and its all on me.
  7. What a beautiful testimony of the human spirit! I'm glad you had such a wonderful day!
  8. You know, "networking" is perfectly acceptable and is nothing to feel guiltuy about. There are all different types and levels of "friendship" and some of them are purely on a professional level. IF you did have a job and went to lunch on a weekly basis with say 3 or 4 people, you would develop a "friendship" of sorts, but merely a professional one. These are people you could possibly turn to later on for job help, etc., and they would expect the same from you. Its a give and take situation and both parties expect to benefit. The fact that you have nothing to offer now, as you said, doesn't mean you won't be able to return the favor someday when another young upstart is in your shoes! So, I wouldn't feel guilty about any of this. Now, seeking people out just so you can use their contacts, IMO, is different. That is a situation where you are using people. But, if you begin seeking out people in your field who have similar interests and form relationships with those people, then as your friendship develops I think they will want to assist you. Thats my .02 as a former professional who got my first job in my field when I met the father of one of my Sunday School students and he just happened to be the president of the company I had just applied to work at! Yeah, he helped me get the job, but what I did with that job was all on me!
  9. Wow! So sorry to hear about your accident. I'm very glad no one was hurt. I was in a bad accident in 1997 and the other guy immediately admitted fault. But, a few days later he changed his stroy and I was thrust into a legal battle I did not ask for! I absolutely obsessed about every detail. But, you know what, in the end, it didn't matter. The fact is, the cops take measurements and statements and pictures for a reason! It was clear he was at fault and all my worrying and stressing was for naught. Once the police report was handed over to the insurance company, the situation completely changed. I'm hoping the same is true for you.
  10. Although my diagnoses are different, I have been in your situation before. Like you, I have a difficult time overcoming trust issues so, once an issue develops with a doctor, I find it hard to move on to a new one. However, once I have taken the leap and started looking for a doctor or therapist, I did find professionals I can not only trust, but work very well with. For me, that means driving 2 hours to see a psychiatrist- I tried several closer to me but our goals for my treatment and recovery were very different. Thankfully, I did find a local therapist. So, I only have to drive every 2-3 months, which, to me is worth it! My point is, you know yourself and you know what you need in a doctor. You should not have to compromise that. Not every doctor is for every patient and, yes, some of them will be downright disappointing. But,I do encourage you to keep looking. You will find the right one for you and it will be so worth it. In the meantime, I'm glad you have found this community and can benefit from the insight and support available here.
  11. Wow! This resonates so much with me. I haven't been able to work for a few years but, when I did, I was in much the same boat: always have to be on my "A game" all the time and never able to let others know how difficult that was for me! Since you don't want advice, I won't throw any at you. I really don't have answers, anyway! But, I will offer support, a listening ear and the knowledge that you're not alone. I hope you do get a break soon and a chance to focus on yourself.
  12. In a nutshell, she woke one night with a tummy ache. Her symptoms got worse over the next few days. Over the next 6 weeks, she spent most of it hospitalized, dehydrated, malnourished and unable to keep any food down at all. She underwent 2 surgeries, multiple invasive and painful procedures and tests, and was diagnosed with a rare disorder which has left her unable to eat. She is nauseous and in pain every day and is now 100% tube fed. She gets only water or ice chips by mouth. She is actually improving symptom-wise since she has been off foods, but the cost has been high. Her feeding tube, medication schedule and related issues leave me physically, mentally and emotionally drained. She begs for food and I have to tell her "no." She wants to be angry at someone, so I'm the target most days. I brought her to a child psychologist on her doc's suggestion but she absolutely refuses to speak to her. She blames the doctors for what has happened though, logically, she knows they didn't do this to her. At this point, none of her doctors know if this condition will be temporary or permanent. The specialist she sees says he only diagnoses 1-2 cases per year and her pediatrician has NEVER had a case. So, I am left trying to research, understand and deal with this as best I can, but there is very little information out there because of its rarity. I already have a tendency to isolate. Now, its easier to do since it requires so much to take her out and about. (I actually have a bag of supplies and meds I have to pack anytime we leave the house.) Plus, she doesn't want to be around food or activities that she can't do, so we don't go to restaurants, parties, etc.
  13. Thank you everybody for opening your arms. It has been an insanely wild ride over the past few months and I am just now beginning to accept that this is real. As I said, our lives have completely changed. I have a lot of "support" from friends who want to help me with my daughter but I feel I have to suppress my emotional issues because I can't afford to be weak right now so I am floundering in that area.
  14. I have not had internet access since last September (except a few times when I posted out of desperation using my iPhone.) This week, I had my internet turned back on due to a new and rare diagnosis my daughter recently received. (I feel compelled to learn everything I can about it and need the internet!) Life is completely upside down. I am burned out, worn down, exhausted, stressed, anxious, depressed, angry, aggravated, frustrated, and completely guilt ridden, all at once. But, none of that can show because my daughter needs me pretty much around the clock. Obviously, a place like this, full of support and honest understanding of my conditions would be very helpful to me. But, I don't want to look like a bouncing ball or one who only comes around to get a dose of support when I need it. I would very much like to be a part of the community again- both to offer and receive support- but not if it would be inappopriate.
  15. Proverbs 31:28- "her children shall rise up and call her blessed"
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