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David O

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  1. This is part 2 of a question asked 2 weeks ago titled: If I had life to live over again...... Part 2 asks: The best therapists is too often our own self, after all, who knows and understands us better? Sometimes all we need to problem solve is to have a structured way of looking at our issues, and asking the Miracle Question is a powerful approach, especially if taken seriously: If a miracle happened overnight, and you woke up tomorrow with one of your major concerns/problems/issues (that you have control over) greatly improved (or was gone), how would your life be different? What would others notice to be different about you? If I had no problem/issue/concern with _________________, my life would be different in the following 3 ways: 1) 2) 3) If you were to take steps today and maintain them for 1 month to see this difference, what would they be? Think in specifics: 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) This is not an easy exercise and requires much work, but the payoffs can be incredible if you act on your own wisdom, self examination, honesty and knowledge. My hope is that this will start some very good discussion and self healing. Good luck, David
  2. Good morning all, This was actually part 1 of a 2 part question: part 2 is the Miracle Question, which appears in a new thread. Note that they're connected for most of us. The real trick to managing our past is to know what to leave behind and what to bring with us on our journey. Thoughtfully, David
  3. I was in a hurry when I removed the posts, my apologies-- they're back up. On another note-- I'm tired of folks taking pot shots at others, this happens frequently via the forum and pm (which is why I locked mine)... and as many know, there have been openly hostile exchanges not only flying my way, but at times between other members. In this case Amazing asked for honest feedback, she received it-- so where's the problem? If you don't like my post, ignore it, move on and post something that genuinely contributes and adds value to the "family" as opposed to using your time and energies to critique mine (which detracts from the community). If I'm hostile, mean-spirited, disrespectful, cruel and outright insensitive and callous, then say something constructive to help me post more positive posts and be a better member. Am I angry-- hell yeah (and this is the 1st time anyone has seen me this way)-- this has gone on for too long!
  4. There are too many members feeling unsafe and even threatened by incidents that have occurred here over the last few months. Over the year we've had several posters who's behavior bordered on detrimental and injurious to the community, and hurtful to specific members. I would have preferred that eNIGMA choose to become more socially responsible and use his powers of intellect and logic in a caring and compassionate manner, thereby having a hugely positive and healing effect on the community. One cannot help but sense that his cause hid a deeper pain, or experience, and that it was only a sketch of something else.
  5. I thot you'd forgotten to count or your alphabet Calla!! :) ooops, mea culpa, mea culp! 10) Chosen some of my friends in the past based and who and what they are and less on what they have 11) Told my children i loved them every day until they said: Dad, please don't love me so much!" (and now I'm choking up)
  6. 6) Cry and laugh less at the movies and more in real life 7) Worry less about my house being clean and more about my children being loved and adored
  7. If I had my life to live over again, I would.... 1) Have more real troubles and less imaginary ones 2) Make more mistakes and not have such a fetish about being right all the time 3) 4) 5) 6) 7) 8) Everyone add your one-liner till we reach 100: this should be eye-opening.
  8. I think this Asian tale may help you think about the issue with your husband and recognize the role patience and time will take. Enjoy: A young woman by the name of Yun Ok came one day to the house of a mountain hermit to seek his help. The hermit was a sage of great reknown and a maker of charms and magic potions. When Yun Ok entered the house, the hermit said, without raising his eyes from the fireplace into which he was looking "Why are you here?"Yun Ok said: "Oh famous sage, I am in distress! Make me a potion!" and he responds, "Yes, yes, make a potion! Everyone needs potions! Can we cure a sick world with a potion?""Master," Yun Ok replied, "if you do not help me, I am truly lost.""Well, what is your story?" the hermit asked, resigned at last to listen." It is my husband," said Yun Ok. "He is very dear to me. For the past three years he has been away fighting in the wars. Now that he has returned, he hardly speaks to me, or to anyone else. If I speak, he doesn't seem to hear. When he talks at all, it is roughly. If I serve him food that is not to his liking, he pushes it away and angrily leaves the room. Sometimes when he should be working in the rice field, I see him sitting idly on top of the hill, looking toward the sea.""Yes, so it is sometimes when young men come back from the wars," the hermit said. "Go on.""There is no more to tell, Learned One. I want a potion to give my husband so that he will be loving and gentle, as he used to be. "Ha, so simple, is it?" the hermit said. "A potion? Very well; come back in three days and I will tell you what you will need for such a potion. "Three days later Yun Ok returned to the home of the mountain sage. "I have looked into it," he told her. "Your potion can be made. But the most essential ingredient is the whisker of a living tiger. Bring me this whisker and I will give you what you need.""The whisker of a living tiger!" Yun Ok said. "How could I possibly get it?" "If the potion is important enough, you will succeed," the hermit said. He turned his head away, not wishing to talk any more. Yun Ok went home. She thought a great deal about how she would get the tiger's whisker. Then one night whenever husband was asleep, she crept from the house with a bowl of rice and meat sauce in her hands. She went to the place on the mountain-side where the tiger was known to live. Standing far off from the tiger's cave, she held out the bowl of food, and called the tiger to come and eat. The tiger did not come. The next night Yun Ok went again, this time a little bit closer. Again she offered the bowl of food. Every night Yun Ok went to the mountain, each time a few steps nearer to the tiger's cave than the night before. Little by little the tiger became accustomed to seeing her there. One night Yun Ok approached to within a stone's throw of the tiger's cave. This time the tiger came a few steps toward her and stopped. The two of them stood there looking at one another in the moonlight. It happened again the following night, and this time they were so close that Yun Ok could talk to the tiger in a soft, soothing voice. The next night, after carefully looking into Yun Ok's eyes, the tiger ate the food she held out for him. After that when Yun Ok came in the night, she found the tiger waiting for her on the trail. When the tiger had eaten, Yun Ok would gently rub his head with her hand. Nearly six months had passed since the night of her first visit. At last one night, after caressing the animal's head, Yun Ok said: "Oh, tiger, generous animal, I must have one of your whiskers. Do not be angry with me!"And she snipped off one of his whiskers. The tiger did not become angry, as she had feared he might. Yun Ok went down the trail, not walking but running, with the whisker clutched tightly in her hand.The next morning she was at the mountain hermit's house just as the sun was rising from the sea. "Oh Famous One!" she cried, "I have it! I have the tiger's whisker! Now you can make me the potion you promised so that my husband will be loving and gentle again!" The hermit took the whisker and examined it. Satisfied that it had really come from a tiger, he leaned forward and dropped it into the fire. "Oh sir!" the young woman called in anguish. "What have you done with it!" "Tell me how you obtained it," the hermit said. "Why, I went to the mountain each night with a little bowl of food. At first I stood afar, and I came a little closer each time, gaining the tiger's confidence. I spoke gently and soothingly to him, to make him understand I wished him only good. I was patient. Each night I brought him food, knowing he would not eat. But I did not give up. I came again and again. I never spoke harshly. I never reproached him. And at last one night he took a few steps toward me. A time came when he would meet me on the trail and eat out of the bowl that I held in my hands. I rubbed his head, and he made happy sounds in his throat. Only after that did I take the whisker." "Yes, yes," the hermit said, "you tamed the tiger and won his confidence and love." "But you have thrown the whisker in the fire!" Yun Ok cried. "It is all for nothing!" "No, I do not think it is all for nothing," the hermit said. "The whisker is no longer needed. Yun Ok, let me ask you, is a man more vicious than a tiger? Is he less responsive to kindness and understanding? If you can win the love and confidence of a wild and bloodthirsty animal by gentleness and patience, surely you can do the same with your husband? "Hearing this, Yun Ok stood speechless for a moment. Then she went down the trail, turning over in her mind the truth she had learned in the house of the mountain hermit.
  9. IrmaJean, I think you're right -- I may have misinterpreted Livewell's comment. Could be my English to Portuguese, to Spanish, to Ebonics to Swahili and back to English problem.
  10. Hi Amazing Grace, For 18 years I was married and finally, after much pain, we divorced. While my wife had Bipolar Disorder and a series of affairs--- I was that man who who was an immature beast-- didn't listen, was condescending, impatient, cold and uncaring... well, the list is rather long. There are certain truths I learned from my divorce, my excellent 2nd marriage, and also from >30 years in private practice: The first hard truth I faced, and those most of us do once the pain has left us and we are left to look at our part, is that we usually (not always) are each 100% responsible for the success or failure of our marriage (notice I didn't say fault): he is 100% as are you! The 2nd hard truth is that you trained him to treat you as he does and he has trained you to treat him as you do-- the marriage did not start out this way, otherwise there would not have been an "I do"! The 3rd truth is that while you can't change him, you can change you and by so doing, he will usually change also. Given these realities (there are many more, but we'll start here), my 1st question would be: How much emotional energy do you have to invest in rekindling your marriage? How willing are you to make the necessary transformations within yourself to change the homeostasis of the marriage? The idea is to stop focusing on what he did or didn't do and focus on what you can do to improve your marriage. Think about these things, ruminate on them for awhile and then let us know. If you're willing and committed to a long road full of tough hurdles, lots of rejection and some failures along the way, then we have something to work with. With the greatest of understanding, David
  11. eNIGMA, Shakespeare's Queen Gertrude said to Hamlet: "Me thinks thou doth protest too much..." and with that I was wondering what lies behind this level of passion, vehemence and single minded focus. To insist, at the level at which you are doing, that those with "incorrect" views on pedophilia must be shamed and made to to look like clowns, strongly suggests that there may be other factors involved within you. If your goal is to 'correct" members of the forum and set them straight, you must remember that it's not what you say that people remember or absorb, it's how they feel after you've spoken. It doesn't seem like your words are changing minds, but more so solidifying views and isolating you further. With great sincerity and openness, I'm wondering if there might be something else at play here. If you want to debate with the world, there are many other sites available: if you want to contribute to the healing and well being of others here, then maybe being open about what is driving this may be the ticket. We are a self-help community and rely on each others' compassion, sincerity, understanding, warmth, wisdom, insights, and humor. My hope is that you will become a part of the "family" and join us in assisting others thru your concerned, kind-hearted, caring and empathic words. If you insist, however, in browbeating members of the forum, no one will truly hear your words and the place where they are coming from-- and this is, after all, what we all want in life. So, I invite you to speak from your heart as opposed to debating with others-- I invite you to show us your humanity, maybe share your pains or worries, or help us genuinely understand where this need is coming from. It may be thru this that we can offer you something more heartfelt and deeper than the shallow thrill of having "shamed" someone on the forum. Trying to understand, David
  12. OK Brighteyes... let's take a deep breath hear and see if we can't decipher some of this so that your entire life doesn't feel like it's surrounded by feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. I'm a great believer in the principle of parsimony-- using the most frugal and simplest route possible to look a situation by taking it apart and chunking it into more manageable pieces. The best way to do this is to ask you to list your top 5 concerns and then rate them on a scale of 1 (very low concern) to 10 (extremely urgent), so that we can get a sense of what the issues are for you. for example: Concern........................................... .............. rating 1) work sucks........................................................7 2) I feel depressed.................................................5 3) I feel helpless and hopeless................................8 4) Thoughts of dying..............................................9 5) etc. Once you've done this, we may be able to begin looking more carefully at where the connections may be, what stressors are occurring in your life, and some strategies for facing these issues. One thing I'm looking for is whether you are experiencing what's called a cognitive triad, which are a cycle of ruminations and repetitive thoughts that consist of: Negative view of self (perceived as deficient, inadequate, or unworthy); Negative view of the world (interactions with the environment are experienced as representing defeat or deprivation) Negative view of the future (current difficulties or suffering will continue indefinitely and there's nothing that you can do about them). Folks who feel depressed often sink into a rut and their world gets smaller and smaller, and they are unable to find ways to feed their starved "soul", so in it's starved state, it begins to believe and see only darkness, even if there is light. Once we know these things, we can slowly, one step at a time, begin to create a path for you that might help lift some of the depression. Compassionately, David
  13. Hi Petahgree and welcome to the "family". It's a holiday weekend so things are moving much slower than usual, but I thot to at least welcome you. I was wondering if you were comfortable sharing a little more about what's going on with you? How long have you experienced the Depression and Anxiety? Did one precede the other, for example, were you first anxious and then became depressed, or vice versa? Also, this may be hard, but can you tell us HOW your depression feels: in other words, what does it feel like inside of you and where do you feel the weight of it the most (chest, stomach, shoulders, etc.)? can you do the same for your anxiety? What I'm looking for is a description of what it feels like as opposed to why you think you have it or where it may be coming from. Finally, did anything in particular happen before you began having the anxiety and Depression (a loss, a move)? Please write back, we'll be here, David
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