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Everything posted by goose

  1. Hi Mark I'm only seeing this now. So sorry to hear about your Dad. Be good to yourself and take care. Goose
  2. Hi I too am quite attached/dependant on my therapist, for that reason I try not to see him too often. He allows me to choose when I see him, I manage now to stretch appointments to every couple of months or so. I agree with others about talking to yourself, I could never do this out loud though . This has been quite an unconscious thing with me. When I have a dilemma I find myself thinking "what would John (my therapist) say"? if I had presented this problem to him. More often than not I am able to answer myself as if I had been in the session. If I still cannot work it out or if my anxieties get too out of control, I then seek an appointment, but I would still wait the 2 months as sometimes the anxieties can fade with time.
  3. goose

    Still numb

    IrmaJean I saw my therapist yesterday. I always benefit from my visit. We did some mindful meditation which I found very relaxing and hope to practice this every day. This does soothe me especially when my anxiety is at a high level. I think I need to think about and talk about my Dad more, blanking it out is not helping. I will meet with one of my sisters at the weekend and we will chat about him. Thank you for listening.
  4. goose

    Still numb

    Mark you are right I was so afraid of acknowledging his death that I totally blanked it out. It has now hit me like a ton of bricks - I went to his house with my siblings to sort some stuff and when I saw his empty bed I got very distressed. My mood has got quite low - the worst part is total lack of interest in anything. I can put up with the sleep disturbance and lack of appetite and the tearfulness. I also am quite irritable all the time - even the poor dogs annoy me. This is a totally different reaction to my mothers death, I grieved hard for her but there was no drop in mood. I am working hard at not giving in. I am going out and about, socialising, even though I'm not enjoying anything right now - I'm just hoping it will pass in time. I am so grateful to have this forum to come to.
  5. goose

    Still numb

    Thank you for your replies. We were anticipating my Dads death Ian, so it makes perfect sense what you say about grieving while he was in decline. Also I am afraid that I am supressing my emotions. You know IrmaJean you have said what my therapist said is very important, ie acceptance. I feel guilty about not grieving hard for my Dad, I expected to be absolutly devestated, so I am confused. Goose
  6. goose

    Still numb

    I have spoken here in the past about my Dad and his illness. He died 6 weeks ago and I have not reacted. I know when my mother died I grieved hard and felt it took its natural course. My Dad was so precious to me, it just feels so different this time, like I am in denial. I do know when I start to think about his death I easily can block it out. I have not been to his house since, nor have I been to the grave since the funeral. Is it natural not to grieve sometimes? Goose
  7. If you don't mind I find writing down what troubles me a relief and it helps me from having the thoughts swimming in my mind. I was diagnosed in the past with APD and a major aspect of this is fear of rejection. I tend not to put myself into situations where I will be rejected or percieve that there is a possibity (real or otherwise) of rejection. If I do feel rejected I tend to want to hide away from the world, and would love to do this at times only for the fact that I have responsibilities i.e. children and mortgage etc. I have written in another post about my Dad's illness, he had a stroke 3 years ago and eventually made a remarkable recovery. He is very ill again and I am overwhelmed by it. I want to spend time with him but any time I get put off visiting him I feel very rejected and then am reluctant to try to visit as the fear of rejection overwhelms me. It dosn't help that my brother (his carer) makes it difficult for me to visit. 2 of my siblings don't visit because of problems with my brother also. Although it would be the rejection by my Dad that would be devestating. I have spent a lot of time with my Dad over the years, I was just thinking this morning maybe those memories are enough for me. Or are the thoughts of my Dads mortality too much for me?
  8. goose

    Boo !, me again.

    Hi Sue I hope you are doing well.
  9. Thank you for your kind words IrmaJean. Certainly I like to be outdoors, even on a wild and windy day like today. I would like to take up a craft of some sort, I just need to overcome the motivation issues. You know it is suggestions like this that I need at the moment because it helps me to focus, thanks. Mark, you make me smile . The very thought of me screaming made me chuckle - I could become the "mouse that roared". However I think your suggestion of expressing my anger externally is an excellent idea - it diminishes its power over me.
  10. Thank you for your replies. Lana thankfully I have not reached the 'numb' stage yet. That is what I am trying to prevent. Ken I think I look at a set of symptoms and conclude that I am depressed - such as tearfulness disturbed sleep etc. Whereas it is quite ok to have theses reactions to a stressful ongoing situation, but it scares me and then the negative thinking starts which it think is what Mark is talking about. Mark I believe I am capable of thinking myself into a depression. Rumination can be my biggest downfall. A lot of negative self critical thoughts. I only see my counsellor occasionally but he has recommended some self-soothing thoughts and trying to limit the amount of time I spend thinking about worrying issues. It is helpful and a relief to be here again. Goose
  11. Hi all I havn't been here in a long while, I hope life is treating you good. I am very sad and the moment and I have difficulty seperating those feeling from those of depression. I have legitimate reasons to be sad, but the feelings are so like those of depression that I am afraid of these feelings and fear that they will bring me into a full depression. I am so scared of depression hitting me again, it is my constant fear. Goose
  12. goose

    A glimpse of contentment

    It's coming up to a year in January since my seperation. i am so happy with my decision, a lot of tension has gone from the house. My eldest son has calmed down considerably. He has not been in trouble for over 8 months now. My ex has asked to come over for Christmas Dinner - not a good idea, but, as he will be on his own I have said yes. I think this will be the shortest Christmas Dinner in history!
  13. Hi Applejacks I too enjoy going to work. One of the reasons is that I believe that I do the job well and that is very satisfying. I totally understand that critizism of what you take pride in can really dent your confidence. One thing that I have been told on a regular basis by my therapist is that we cannot read the minds of others. So, I notice that you said "I think that they don't like me anymore" , that is your thought not theirs. It is so easy for us to presume what others think of us. I think you have lost confidence in yourself. Isolating yourself is a way of self preservation ( I know I have done it for years!). Take care Goose
  14. Hi All, I broke my ankle a while back and was going crazy being stuck in the house all the time. I looked around for something to occupy me and I settled on beading. I found it both satisfying and relaxing. What crafts do you do? What weird and wonderful things have you made? I now have some lovely decorations to hang on my Christmas Tree, made from a beading kit.
  15. Hi Sue and all, For me I experience pockets of happiness, usually when I am with people who make me happy. My question is , Am I not able to generate my own happiness, because I am dependant on others to bring it out in me? . It's all very confusing :confused: I hope that these pockets of happiness are enough to give me the strength to get through the unhappy times. Goose
  16. To all those therapists out there, thank you. To my own counselling psychologist , I am more than grateful for the help he has given me. I am at the stage now where I no longer have thoughts of harming myself, also I do not envisage any situation in the future that I can not cope with. It may not suit everyone but I have found CBT an excellent treatment option for me. I am also grateful for the friends I made here in the past who have been a great support. I do feel that I am a stronger person - I do have ongoing problems with my eldest son, but I cope. I am about 2 and a half years into therapy and expect to finish in the near future. Please if you get a good therapist, give them a chance to help you, it can be a difficult path but the rewards are worth it. Goose
  17. goose

    A glimpse of contentment

    Hey! Mark and Sue. Lovely to hear from you both. Isn't it great that old friends are always there, no matter how long youv'e been away. I read your blog Mark, seems things are moving on for you now - best of luck with the move. Sue how are you keeping? I hope life is treating you well. Take care Goose
  18. I've have a few short glimpses of contentment, enough to let me know that the seperation from my husband was the right thing to do. It is bloody hard though becoming single after 20 years as a couple, a disfunctional one at that. Despite declaring his undying love to me and begging me not to end the marriage my ex-husband is very actively seeking out another partner. To be in the company of my daughter is as always a tonic, we have so may laughs. She is off travelling for the month of June . No.1 son has calmed considerably since his dad left. Ro, well he wanted the fairytale of a happy united family, but he wants to live with me, so that is good. I feel that I am going through a process (the seperation) and have to experience all that goes with it - I know I'm not the first or won't be the last, but as I already said, It's bloody hard! Goose
  19. Hi to you too. Haven't been around much. Hope all is ok.

  20. Hi All I haven't been here in a while - hope everyone is coping. I have finally asked my husband for a seperation. I had to be quite strong and persistant about this as he bombarded me with reasons why this should not happen. Christmas was quite fraught as we both knew it would be the last one as a family. He finally moved out about a week ago, but is finding it difficult to cut the ties , I am feeling the strain of it too (after 20 years of marriage). He is only 5 minutes down the road so the children (14, 17 and 19) can see him whenever they like. Although I am grieving the loss, I also feel enormous relief and about 70% of the time I am quite happy in myself. We have not agreed maintenance terms yet, only that I will stay in the family home until the youngest is finished college. This also brings me new challenges in the area of my social anxiety, this is something I will have to work out as time goes on. One question I would like to ask advice on is: My husband was not good at spending time with the children and only did when I organised it - should I leave it to him now to make the move in that regard? I just don't want the children to feel rejected due to him being inconsiderate, I'm not sure what to do.:confused: Any advice welcome. Thanks Goose
  21. Thank you Athena for your reply, you do make some very good points. I spoke about this with my daughter yesterday. She suggested that I wait until the children are no longer a financial 'burden'. But I think that those years would be lost to me. Because of the laws of this country I would not have to leave the family home until my youngest child is finished education, which could be about 8 years. After that I would have to sell the family home and split the proceeds with my husband. Unfortunately he does not want to spend 8 years renting elsewhere as he calls it 'dead money'. He says he wants to buy somewhere for himself, however this is unrealistic what with our outstanding mortgage and maintenance he will have to pay. Anyhow we have agreed to leave any discussions about a seperation until after Christmas. Take care Goose
  22. Hi Athena This struck a chord with me also. Both myself and my husband are 'victims'. I know for the past 22 years I have accommodated and facilitated him. Me as a victim, well I have never spoken up for myself so have allowed myself be victimised. Through counselling I have begun to assert myself and make my needs known and I feel better for it. I have also tried not to facilitate my husband as a victim. The conclusion I am coming to is that we both entered into this marriage for the wrong reasons. Unfortunately my husband, when I suggested a seperation has been bombarding me with reasons why we should not part - he is unwilling to give up his victim status. The main reason I feel trapped in this marriage is financial - I am finding it difficult almost impossible to see how we can cope financially running two seperate households. I feel hopefull for the future when I think of a life apart from him, and the future looks bleak with him.
  23. I'm not sure what the reason for my low mood at the moment. I am physically unwell, that could be one reason. Of course my son's suicide attempt has had a huge impact on me and the whole family. I have made a decision to go back on a low dose of the antidepressant for a while - I have no qualms about this - I want to feel well and to be able to function. My husband has been a great support to me and maybe we have connected better as a result.
  24. I have made a decision that I am going to be kind to myself. I am unwell medically at the moment - keep getting infections. My GP says I have the flu at the moment. So I am going to rest when I feel tired and not put such pressure on myself about getting back to work. I have about 2 weeks to wait to see what my medical problems are, hopefully the blood tests will show whats wrong. I've had a serious dip in my mood in the last week or so - as I am off all my meds now it is very scary - however the medical problems may be the cause. I really appreciate the people on this site for their continued support. Take care Goose
  25. Hey Sue , I just got your message. So glad to hear everything is good for you. I'm struggling a little bit myself, so am just going to take it one day at a time.

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