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LaLa last won the day on December 4

LaLa had the most liked content!


About LaLa

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    one of the forum moderators

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  • Biography
    33 y.o., was in therapy for 2 years, but it ended too early (in 2011)


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  1. LaLa

    Missing my therapist terribly

    You're welcome; I'm so glad you're feeling better! I don't know if it is a good idea, I don't know how you'll cope. But I think it's good to have this "bigger ambition", with also the possibility to come back sooner (than 60 days). What I would probably do is wait the 30 days and see if then you'll feel OK about trying another 30 (or 15, ...) and then letting your therapist know that you made this decision (+ explain a bit why). What doo you think? ;)
  2. LaLa

    I don’t know anymore.

    Thank you for your clarifications and explanations! I was probably wrong about the PTSD, but... it doesn't mean there wasn't a trauma (or even several traumas) in your life (even the situation in your family is traumatic, and the stay in the foreign country certainly is, too, even without some terrible incident). The "untreated" wounds accumulated during your life are now manifesting as depression and need to be addressed with a good therapist (or, before that, perhaps with a friend or partner who is able and willing to try to understand...). It's very sad that your parents aren't helpful at all. How long do you have to wait to be 18 (?), thus able to see a doctor and/of therapist alone? BTW; even if your dad ignores your attempts to explain your needs to him, perhaps if you see a doctor or therapist alone and then you just give a paper (consent form) to your dad to sign, he could do it, as it would be simple and your need of help would be thus confirmed by "an authority". I cannot know, of course; it's just an idea how it could perhaps be done. Have you any news? Have you already got the opportunity to communicate with your partner about this? Good luck, take care!
  3. LaLa

    Missing my therapist terribly

    Hello, curious, welcome! I had a similar experience (but my therapist was male and of the age of my parent, so the transference was of a different kind), several years ago. I had to leave therapy after 2 years just because I had to move abroad. Years after that, I experienced "all" kinds of "states" - emotions, wishes, situations, ... and no, it wasn't easy. Well, it wasn't "that bad" and there were also many good periods of time (when I felt OK about not seeing him anymore). I met him several times when we came back home for holidays - sometimes it was fine, sometimes it left me feeling much worse, for instance very angry, ... So I'm not "a good example" of "how to cope", but I think at least I can relate to you and offer some support or "an understanding ear". To me, it was beneficial to communicate about all those feeling with people online (on this forum and by e-mail with friends I'd made on this forum). Even if we cannot "heal" your dependance or "get rid of" your transference, understanding more about it and sharing your struggles and feelings could be helpful. You said she'd helped you a lot, so it means you're less anxious and less stressed than before and can cope better with difficult situation. Does that mean you have been, during therapy, able to live in a better way even without her being with you? I assume that yes. Was your improvement dependent on the fact that "you stil will see her every two weeks"? I hope that not; that you're able to cope better than before therapy even without her being "there for you". Do you think so? Even if yes, this doesn't mean you "have no reason" to still want her in your life, to meet her more often, to be friends, ... But I think it would be helpful to clearly distinguish this(/-ese) reason(s) from the (probably nonexistent) need of her for your ability to use, on your own, all you've got from therapy. So, what are the reasons you'd love to have her in your life as a friend? (To me, they seem quite obvious, but I don't know you, so they are only assumptions, and also... I'm asking so that you'd think about it deeply and answer it also (mainly) to yourself.) I suppose that seeking some suggestions here, you don't expect the (desired) outcome to be: "Wow, I don't miss her anymore, I wouldn't want her to my friend anymore!" You know there is no magic trick to make you not like her and / or not care about her and stop missing her. It would be even weird, wouldn't it? It is a genuine relationship (although with "special rules") and when a good relationship is doing to end, or is facing a long break, then it's natural to grieve. The last phase of therapy should always be focused also on this grieving. She's been able to help you with the problems you came to therapy with, now trust her to help you to prepare you well for grieving (= ending therapy one day). If I've got it right, you don't yet know when the therapy will end, you now only have a holiday break and that's what you're seeking some help for. I think this break is a good opportunity for you as "a kind of rehearsal for the termination of therapy". But all the time, you can be quite sur it is not yet "the end" and also that it is now harder than it will be when the real therapy end will come, because then, you'll already be better prepared. What do you think? It reminds me that I also had several breaks in my therapy. In my case, I always mostly liked them, because they allowed me to take some distance and experience new kinds of emotions and thinking. When I returned, I was more motivated, had always a lot new topics and perspectives to talk about (all was prepared in my numerous notes) ... What about taking notes or writing a diary during these weeks? You could write down everything related to "not being able to talk with her" and observe how it changes in time, what appears to be the most pressing, compelling, painful, unexpected etc. Also, you could perhaps look up some articles about grieving; some suggestions might be 'applicable'... Good luck and keep us posted!
  4. LaLa

    I don’t know anymore.

    Hello, Unknown, welcome! Thanks for describing your situation and experiences so thoroughly; it's always better to have a better picture than to have just a few hints! Of course, we couldn't "know and explain everything", even if you described much more, but I hope some new insights will be helpful to you. From what you describe, I'd say you definitely are depressed. Check at least these articles: https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-you-dont-feel-anything-during-your-depression/ https://www.healthline.com/health/feeling-numb#quotes-about-feeling-numb https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201510/the-important-difference-between-sadness-and-depression https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/320049.php https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/prescriptions-life/201505/stop-numbing-out-and-awaken-your-life https://worthyinside.com/i-feel-nothing/ some excerpts: Your also depression seems to be linked to your PTSD. In any case, wouldn't think your partner moving in "is the problem". As the onset of your symptoms coincides with this change in your life, I would rather assume, based on what you wrote, that it was a time when your life "was finally supposed to feel (even) better, safe, ...", so your subconscious mind finally "threw away" the previously useful defence mechanisms which had been protecting (or trying to protect) you from all the stresses and potential dangers in your life. But this uncovered the underlying problem and you were no longer able to hide (to yourself and others) how influenced you've been by all the "bad stuff" in your life. That's my hypothesis, but it's not very important; the coincidence might have been even totally accidental and this info wouldn't change much (if anything). What is important, though, is that when living with your partner, you have more occasions to enter in conflict with them, so your illness(es) (depression, PTSD) can "cause harm" more easily. I see that it's been very hard for you to try to explain this to your partner . But I'd encourage you to try to do it, so that you could cooperate better, have a stronger, healthier bond, work together to make you feel better and to make your relationship suffer less. A way to do it could be letting them read your post (and, perhaps, also our answers). It's often much easier to explain difficult, emotional, distressing things in a written form. And you don't even have to think of writing a letter, as you already have this post of yours, above. It seems to me that you probably might still have some degree of PTSD. If you haven't been in treatment for the first one, it's possible it still lingers, even if there weren't any new traumas. Have you researched some available help? Have you read more about the subject, to understand better what's going on? For instance: https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/posttraumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/treatment https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/ptsd-hotline/ https://elkrivertreatment.com/treatment/ptsd-treatment-center-for-teenagers/ https://www.npr.org/2012/08/17/159023437/ptsd-not-just-war-wound-young-people-suffer-too https://www.adolescentgrowth.com/treatment-programs/mental-health/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/ http://www.ptsdassociation.com/mentalfitnessforteens/ Even if you're in a country where your psychiatric treatment and / or psychotherapy wouldn't be covered by your insurance, I'd urge you to try to find some kind of affordable professional help. It's been quite long since your suffering started! But it's not too late and the sooner you start getting help (professional therapy), the better; the sooner and easier you can get better. Good luck! And keep us posted!
  5. LaLa

    Using the white side

    Spoiler alert!!! . . . Is it Santa?
  6. LaLa

    The Christmas tree photo

    Of, I see, thanks! That's original!
  7. LaLa

    The Christmas tree photo

    What is on the tree, Dave? (= I cannot identify the decorations.) Happy holiday season!
  8. LaLa

    Mental abuse and Human Rights violations

    Does your university have a library? It could be an ideal place to study, mainly when your home is not suitable, calm place. Good luck!
  9. I would recommend this interview (also) to all the SPS sufferers: https://www.russellbrand.com/podcast/ep-27-can-connected-sex/ It's a bit more for women (than men), but it can show to men how many women suffer around somewhat similar issues. Also, while listening, I came with a new hypothesis about those disgusting moronic women who chat about their "preference for bigger size": They are so insecure about their bodies and/or so uninformed and misinformed by porn that they blame men's "size" for their own failures and faults and they need to talk about it to somehow "reassure themselves" that "that is the reason they are/were not satisfied". I know it doesn't explain more that a part of the cases, but I suppose it's worth considering as one of the possibilities and one of the reasons why men shouldn't believe those who say "size matters". In the podcast, you can hear about some of the things that truly matter. I hope it'll be helpful / insightful for at least some of you... (BTW; she mentions that a masseuse told her that 90% of her female clients apologize (to her) for their body before a massage. Hm...)
  10. LaLa

    Stinkbugs in the US

    Did you know? https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2018/03/12/when-twenty-six-thousand-stinkbugs-invade-your-home
  11. LaLa

    Planning. I'm not good at it.

    😮 😦 Good for you! I'm glad to hear you have a day off ; you seem to work so much ! ... Enjoy the long weekend!
  12. LaLa

    Ranting on about women

    So you'd want me to read minds of people I don't know, instead???
  13. an excerpt of an interview, not only about dealing with alcoholism:
  14. LaLa

    Ranting on about women

    Same with me. But I think lifelong's reasoning there was that if we had a different opinion, we wouldn't post "here" = in the SPS section, where such opinion would be harmful (so even if among the members, there were some women who'd care about size, they wouldn't mention it because they would see the men's suffering and wouldn't want to contribute to it).
  15. LaLa

    Ranting on about women

    No, not embarrassing the adit that. What I mostly meant, is that they wouldn't initiate the topic. But if asked by someone else, ... I don't know about others; there may be different reasons. But for instance, I wouldn't talk about such a topic publicly, no matter what my opinion would be, because I just find it "not a topic" / "there's no reason to even ask the question". This would be, of course, in case if I didn't know this forum, thus didn't know that some people do care about this. Knowing this (and mainly that there's so much suffering involved, what most women don't know), I probable would force myself to answer, even publicly, if someone did a survey, just to show that "yes, we do exist". But otherwise, I would just be like: "What a stupid question, leave me alone, I don't have any reason to talk about such issues!" BTW; I think it's all probably caused mainly by porn. I've never watched that stuff and never would (it's utterly disgusting), so I cannot imagine how a person influenced by such stuff would think. There are even billions of people influences by commercials - how idiotic is that!? - and I cannot imagine how if feels to be "brainwashed" like that. And the influence of porn must be even much stronger, worse...