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Everything posted by LaLa

  1. How have you been doing, @Obsolete? I hope we'll hear from you soon...
  2. I'm sorry you feel ignored here. I don't have the impression that you've been ignored. Yours is probably due to the fact that you're not yet used to this forum - there are posts that don't receive any reaction and many other that only receive very little reaction; unfortunately, there aren't enough active people here to be able to answer everything. It has nothing to do with willingly ignoring you. I don't have any idea about dating from my own experience, but I'd recommend you this website - I like it very much for every aspect of psychology: https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/category/relationships/dating/ https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/category/relationships/finding-love/ I hope you'll find there several useful tips and insights! Good luck!
  3. LaLa

    It was not your fault that he left! Please, don't worry about this at all...
  4. LaLa

    I'm sorry you feel bad about this all, @Klingpeach . It's OK that you posted what you posted. It's not your fault that it wasn't "understandable" to some. If you want, I'll delete this thread. But before doing so, I'll leave some time to others to read your latest post here. I hope it's OK.
  5. LaLa

    By "here", you mean in this particular topic / thread? I understood it like you writing about the SPS forum, not this thread, but @Klingpeach seems to have understood it as attacking his posts here, which is sad. Or you meant the comments he (Klingpeach) meant when he was complaining about the "discussion" below the article he posted?
  6. Hello, @the_anonymous_one, welcome! I'm female and from my perspective, you don't have any reason to be worried. There, unfortunately, are some women (I know about their existence only from the posts in this SPS forum!) who care about size and girth in men, as well as men who ridicule other men just based n their "member", so yes, some people can perhaps offend you (although I don't have any idea if the numbers you mentioned are "too low" for them or not), but I'd say the most important for you is not to develop an anxiety around this issue; not to develop the SPS - a syndrome that makes suffer even those who are happily married to a woman who likes them as they are. Don't let your current little insecurities increase and take control over you and your dating etc. Don't focus on your anatomy, try to focus on your relationships. Good luck!
  7. LaLa

    Try to re-read his second post.
  8. Sorry if you won't like the association (everyone has a different sense of humor), but this reminds me so much of this joke (it's a brief excerpt of a talkshow - the punchline (= the last sentence of the excerpt I want to "quote" here) is a sentence containing the word "pizza") :
  9. LaLa

    Nightmares, PTSD

    Hello, Octavia, welcome! I'm sorry you've been suffering like this . It's a lot of stress, living in such fear. Good idea to 'reach out' on this forum! I hope it will help at least to some extent. You can even find here many 'distractions' - for instance; http://www.mentalsupportcommunity.net/topic/8843-weekend-entertainment/ http://www.mentalsupportcommunity.net/forum/33-recommended/ http://www.mentalsupportcommunity.net/topic/6704-music-therapy/page/6/ etc. It seems that you might experience PTSD also due the abuse by your partner, that's why you're so very scared. Does your therapy address also the PTSD? (There are some very new therapies for rapid and effective treatment of this condition, but they are, unfortunately, not available in most countries , at least not yet. But perhaps the great results will persuade more countries to adopt it...) May I ask you more about the actual risk you're in? (Because fear is one thing and real danger another.) How probable is it that you'll meet your ex by accident? Do you live in a big city? Are you sure you both frequent the same places? What does your therapist think about the risks? And how are you satisfied with the therapist and the treatment? Have you already seen improvements? It seems that probably that this new situation (your ex back in the city) is the main problem now. (Do you agree?) Are there people (other than the therapist) who can help you to cope with it? What used to help you, other than medication? Have you learned some techniques (CBT, ...) to calm yourself, to alleviate anxiety? If not yet, I think this is a good way to go: Learning new ways to calm down. Meds are helpful but... make sure you don't overuse them... I have to go now. Take care and good luck!
  10. My hypothesis is that the oversexualisation and superficial "valorisation" of "loosing virginity soon" in 'western' societies is some kind of backlash to the previous centuries of the opposite extreme imposed by religions: The revolution in the 60ties (enabled by contraception) liberated people from absurd (and often even dangerous) 'prudery', but then also went too far and now some people think that "being a virgin" as adult and / or being asexual is somehow... "weird". Fortunately, it doesn't come with similar dangers as loosing virginity before marriage used to in the past (or in still present in many other cultures)...
  11. Of course you don't deserve any shaming. It's the same as with all people who are different in a "not cool" (/ not appreciated by the majority) way. Do disabled deserve to be shamed or bullied, for instance? People who shame or bully others are just idiots and / or need some psychological help themselves to get over their own issues which make them behave like jerks...
  12. Hi, redCanine, welcome! What have been your problems related to virginity?
  13. Hi, Ava, welcome! I'm sorry your marriage has become so difficult . It doesn't sound like being related to his ADHD. May I ask what do you mean by "everything's changed"? Except for his jealousy, what else is different? And have you already talked about it with him? What does he say? Does he admit he's changed, did he give some reasons? Good luck and take care!
  14. I like listening to it, perhaps some of you'll enjoy it, too: https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0683q6p/episodes/downloads
  15. I'm sorry I don't have enough time these days, but I'd like to mention at least some things: There are as many women with relatively low intelligence as men, and it's improbable that they would seek a very intelligent man. So from the statistic point of view, intelligence shouldn't be a problem for finding a mate. Moreover, kindness is more important for a relationship - and much more precious for life in general... Sorry for mentioning Ricky Gervais's work again (it's only because I'm now in a "phase" when I watch many videos "with him", so it easily comes to my mind as a reference / example), but I also like this series as an explanation that kindness and friendliness are more important than intelligence, although it will never happen that everybody would agree (but intelligent people have "enemies", too!) : - BTW, also read some of the comments below the video - at least the first 3 (just below the description) I don't know what is your age (I'm curious but you don't have to mention it if you don't want to), but I suppose you should still have a chance to have a family: What do you think about finding a widow or a divorced woman with a child / children? Have you tried on-line dating sites (there you could search for women in such situations)...? Also, you mentioned not having friends. In my opinion, friends are more important than a partner / lover. And making new friends can be an important "intermediate step" between solitude and finding a partner. It necessitates efforts, but... so would both suffering in the status quo and planing a suicide - and the potential outcomes of the two kinds of efforts (living better / not changing or dying) would have such opposite values! Are there any opportunities to volunteer in the area where you live? That would be a great way to start, as it introduces you to new, kind, people as well as gives you a meaningful activity and shows you that you are able to be useful. In addition, you could (later?) try some other regular (free) activities where you could meet new people. BTW, it is very possible that your "academic" problems are mainly due to teaches that weren't competent enough to help you find your true abilities. It happens far too often. One nice example is Daniel Pennac, who'd been considered dumb and problematic by teachers but later was lucky and became a great teacher and writer - he resumes his views on schooling in this great book: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/12857101-school-blues?rating=2 I don't know if I "should" mention this , but I like this attitude. In general; why should one care about opinions of people who don't understand - and even don't try to understand...??? Even more if they are harsh, rude, make one's life even harder...!?! That's all from me for the moment. I hope very much that both of you will "stay with us" and gradually discover ways to feel much less miserable... Take care!
  16. @Obsolete, I'm sorry you feel that way . You don't need to apologize. And I don't think nor feel I "wasted" my time or efforts. Even if you felt a bit better for a short time, it was worth it. Of course I'd love to see a big change in your perspective, for your sake, naturally, but I'm realistic... I also know sometimes (often?) just many small steps can lead to a significant change. Perhaps you're taking some of them now, by writing about your situation, feelings, and perspective and by reading our reactions; who knows? It is also possible that you "failed" according to criteria which don't truly matter. Perhaps your view of "success" is unnecessarily demanding. May I ask what have been your ambitions? Here is a text I'd recommend you (a depressive friend once mentioned the Kaizen way as it helps her a lot in her everyday life): https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/get-1-better-every-day-the-kaizen-way-to-self-improvement/ I would also recommend you to watch this Netflix series, but I know it's possible that you won't find access to it (at least so far - it will surely soon be available also elsewhere) : https://youtu.be/eIGGKSHMQOM You might at least read this review about it - perhaps it could feel at least a bit good reading about the topic (?): https://medium.com/@jennifersartorehulst/hope-is-everything-6b20d804ac17 Here is also something about it (the hero): It may be one of many alternatives to suicide - "just change your life / attitude as if it didn't matter anymore what others would think". It may be dangerous (if someone is / wants to be violent and this releases his aggressiveness), but in this case, it was only verbal "aggressiveness" / rudeness and it brought, eventually, an interesting lesson for the hero - he realized after some time how to use this new "superpower" in a rather positive way; not hurting "good people". Anyway, back to your post: From the way you've been expressing yourself here, it's obvious you are definitely not an idiot, and you're not just superficial and uncritical. But I think I know how you probably feel - I am educated and people think I'm relatively intelligent, but I've seen myself as "idiotic" most of my life. So yes; it's a matter of perception. I realized the difference between my definition of "idiocy" and the definition others have, is that I think I'm too "stupid" to live "wisely" / "as I'd like to". It's probably similar for you (?). But people who actually are morons don't realize they are morons. BTW, you wrote: Yet, just then you wrote a relatively complicated post in good English and it doesn't give the impression of you having "struggled" to write it - it's well-written, easily readable, it explains well your points. Isn't at least that a reason not to trust your self-perception? So, the problem is that you think you should have / would need more intelligence and better capacity of critical thought. May I ask why you consider it so important for your wellbeing? What is it that you miss, in practice? It's very easy to find many articles about "intelligent / smart people being unhappy / miserable", so... I doubt it that it's very relevant to overall life satisfaction. (some examples: https://www.learning-mind.com/fail-to-be-happy-intelligent/, https://www.inc.com/geoffrey-james/why-are-smart-people-so-miserable.html, https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/04/why-so-many-smart-people-arent-happy/479832/) Yes, I can see that this may pose many problems to you . But confidence is also something one can slowly build, systematically increase. Can you tell what makes you "non-self-confident"? I don't know your age, but as your parents are still alive, you're obviously not "near natural death". But that's not even important. There are people who become happy just in their old age. I don't know if they are numerous, but I know some. Staying alive may be seen as giving yourself the chance to experience "better days". Sadly, it's 'normal' to hate one's life and oneself when one is depressed and / or in a difficult social and emotional situation. But what do emotions like love and hate tell us? When we love something, we want more of it or want it more often, when we hate something, we either want to avoid it or change it. Avoiding is easier, even in case of one's life / oneself . The loss of interest is probably due mainly to depression (which is most often treatable and can go to remission). And making new friends is a challenge that would bring a new aim in your life and then also new benefits. Even making new acquaintances can be good for you - and that wouldn't be so hard. For instance, is there an opportunity for volunteering where you live? If yes, then that could bring you some purposeful activity as well as new friends. BTW; you do have some kind of friends: Us here!! This is something many suicidal people erroneously assume! Loosing a family member by suicide is very traumatic! Even when your family is not supportive. They would very probably live in never-ending remorses and self-blame! It's sad that they only show you their disappointment , but it's surely not the only thing they feel about you. Some people are very bad at expressing positive emotions and appreciation, unfortunately. And some are even bad at noticing the good things in others (often until they loose them - then they suddenly realize...). I suspect that the attitude of your family towards you is not as much a result of "who you are / how you life", but rather one of the causes why you've been so miserable. It's very hard to build confidence and succeed without supporting parents (at least in childhood)... I see that it may appear weird to someone who doesn't know a lot about it. "Just talking" doesn't sound appealing to everyone. But good psychotherapy is much more than "just talking". It's creating a healing relationship with another human being; a non-judgemental, understanding, and accepting professional who doesn't want anything from you except for your collaboration on your common effort to make your life better (for a fee, of course). Many studies have shown that it's the relationship that heals / make the biggest difference. But it can't make sense to someone who hasn't experienced it, because you cannot just imagine it. What's wrong about "whiny little teenagers"??? The point of places like this is that you can vent here as you please / need. Don't judge yourself for expressing your emotions and describing your problems. You might as well need to "get it out" (to feel a bit better??). Sorry to pose so many questions, but... I believe that if you consider such a huge decision, you might as well take enough time to think about all the aspects and answer all the raising questions and 'objections'... Take care!
  17. Hi, Strelitzia, As you perhaps know, therapists aren't supposed to encourage break-ups, only in cases when it's extremely important to do so. That's probably why yours (probably ) hasn't yet told you to break up with your partner. But as we're not bound by such rules and you asked for an outside perspective, here's what I think: You've tried a lot and it has been a huge emotional burden to you; I would recommend you to stop very soon. Here are some questions supposed to help you with the decision - it seems to me you'd say "yes" to quite many of them: https://www.bustle.com/p/34-questions-to-ask-yourself-when-youre-deciding-whether-not-to-break-up-with-your-significant-other-78598 For instance: This is so very egoistic of him. You certainly need to meet new people and engage in new activities to get better - "saving money" is not at all a reason to avoid these important, even crucial, things! And "so that you can live together" is an egoistic reason, too. As you mention, he's also thinking about breaking up with you (let's hope he doesn't only pretend it, to manipulate you!), so you're lucky in this regard: He doesn't seem too possessive and it shouldn't be a too big shock for him (although... it probably will be, because he considers you as very weak and dependent on him, so he thinks he can demand anything he wants and it will be him who will make the decision to leave you - good for you if you're finally the one who breaks up with him!). These are also two of the worst things about him and to me, even one of them on its own would be a reason to break up: It's not your role to convince him and - moreover - he couldn't be convinced, probably similarly to you: Having / wanting children or not is one's very personal choice. And you surely shouldn't be "bullied" (or even "bothered") by anyone to change your preference. There are several websites, blogs, podcasts, FB pages, initiatives ... of people who don't want children or even of antinatalists, so you can easily find support (or pleasant reading) on-line if you sometimes feel alone with your choice. (BTW; people who think their life becomes "worthwhile" due to having a child (i.e., bringing another sufferer on this damned planet) are very "weird" to me. If it's worthless to them now (= they haven't been able to find any "worth" there), how can it somehow suddenly become worthwhile? .. Never mind. Sorry for my personal "mini-rant".) I would also recommend you to read (and / or watch / listen) more about these topics before you break with him (not to mention that preparing a bit to your "life immediately after breakup" in therapy!). For instance, the videos of The School of life are usually great, for instance these: https://www.google.com/search?q=the+school+of+life+break+up&client=safari&rls=en&source=lnms&tbm=vid&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjUtu7GjqHhAhVRjlkKHRmfCcYQ_AUIDigB&biw=1112&bih=501 https://www.thecut.com/article/how-to-break-up-with-someone.html or even: http://theconversation.com/the-psychology-of-closure-and-why-some-need-it-more-than-others-104159 Good luck! And let us know what you think and how it goes.
  18. One of the FB comments about it: And another:
  19. I'm sorry you're feeling suicidal. How long the feeling has been there? Is there something specific that triggered / increased it today? I see that you don't think it's probable that things will get better for you. But testimonies from people who have survived a suicide attempt show that life can bring also unexpected changes for better and people are grateful for having survived to be able to experience them. Could you, for now, try to write more about how you feel, to vent? Could you, perhaps, even try to search for some other reasons to stay alive than just the fear of hell? Are there, for instance, some people (or pets?) important for you who would miss you? Are there some things that you can still enjoy, despite the negative aspects of your life? Have you already tried all the possible therapies? ... Take care! I hope you'll stay with us...
  20. I've found this by chance and it's absolutely brilliant- surely the best thing Ricky Gervais has ever done so far! It's been making me cry quite a lot. Just; wow! BTW, it also depicts about two suicide attempts and one actual suicide, but those who would find that triggering should just watch the series til the end, and see.
  21. This seems explaining a lot about those people capable of "loving" someone they don't know:
  22. This merits its own 'thread / topic' https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/what-can-stop-the-loneliness/
  23. Yes, it only testifies that those who "fall in love at the first sight" don't actually fall in love.
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