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Everything posted by LaLa

  1. Hello, @CircusLeavesTown (what a creative screen-name ), welcome! I'm glad you decide to vent and share your struggles with us (mainly instead of doing something bad to yourself!). I hope communicating with some people suffering from the same issues here will help you in some ways. How are you feeling now? Did you decide to check yourself into hospital? I'm relieved to hear that you're thinking this way - searching for help instead of acting impetuously... Your situation, mainly that shows you'd need a good psychotherapist. There's no shame in seeking professional help. It may be difficult to find the right person (a good 'fit'), but it's definitely worth the searching. I totally agree with you that society is outrageously horrible in this regard (and many others, BTW); this kind of "jokes" and attitudes is mind-bogglingly shameful. I admire that you don't blame nor hate women as such, in general, despite the painful experiences that you had with some. Cuddle therapy is wonderful!! It's great that you've discovered it . As you may know, there are asexual people and they do want relationships. I'm sure there's a dating website for asexuals; you can try that. I don't know how they would see the fact that you were not born asexual, just started to have issues around sex, but I suppose some of them wouldn't mind. But I don't think that it would be a permanent solution (although, who knows; in case you'd find "the right person", you might want to live with her in an asexual relationship. Moreover, I've read that some of them make love with their partner = they don't mind, just don't need / want / seek it.) Anyway, therapy would be the best option in my opinion. What do you think? Take care!
  2. LaLa

    Quotes you like

    There are too many, but here is just one for today: "Believing that you’re the only person in your life not worth taking care of is a form of narcissism. You are not special. You are therefore not especially unworthy of care. Get over yourself."
  3. LaLa

    Quotes you like

    There are too many, but one for today: "Believing that you’re the only person in your life not worth taking care of is a form of narcissism. You are not special. You are therefore not especially unworthy of care. Get over yourself."
  4. Hey, Vic! I wonder how you've meant this: It sounds like some kind of acceptance, in the sense that you know that the situation is bad, but you 'can live with it'. Or am I wrong? If not, I wonder if you'd be willing to let us know how you managed to 'accept' it, what helped and if / how you look at it differently now.
  5. LaLa

    Stress? Anxiety?

    That's great news, I'm very glad for you! Good luck in therapy!
  6. LaLa

    Stress? Anxiety?

    Hi, @Radya, how have you been doing? Have you taled to a psychiatrist and have you got satisfactory answers?
  7. I think that if it becomes a habit, it may 'bother' you and thus it won't be fully harmless (the 'harm' being your feelings about it). But that's how I see it and what my impression has been from your post. It also seemed to me that you were mostly concerned by her, possibly, lying, not by the flirting behaviour, while now it seems you probably mind also how she behave. Am I right? Or is it only due to the uncertainty - you don't know what to think and what to believe, so you have suspicions?
  8. Hi, Joe08, welcome! It seems to me you're too sure of your interpretation and don't trust her. You say so you're open to some things, but not to admitting that she might as well tell the truth and not to remember due to the alcohol. But let's consider the option that she does remember but wanted to deny it. One lies in such cases to protect the partner from very unnecessary sadness, jealousy, anxiety etc. Even if she knows she can be open about such topics with you, she choses to hide it because talking about it wouldn't bring any important point, only unnecessary, useless feelings that she prefers to protect you from. If she wanted that 'flirt' to somehow punish you (for something) or make you feel threatened and "try harder" in your relationship, she wouldn't want to hide it. If she wanted to change or end your relationship or / and find someone else, she would probably take this opportunity and tell you about it. But, as she said, so it was a special occasion - to forget one thing that had happened, to have a good time for a while, nothing more. (This may be true if she didn't remember how she had that fun as well as if she does.) She didn't do anything that could be considered cheating, despite the influence of alcohol, which is great, isn't it? Here is something very insightful about flirting - I wonder if that makes you less uncomfortable with your wife's behaviour: https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/why-flirting-matters/ Take care!
  9. LaLa

    So stressed

    My condolences, A. (I've written more in an e-mail...)
  10. Hello. @Robcapp0820, welcome! No need to be sorry about the way you write - it's OK and it's clear enough and, as you say, you can always add more information if needed. I think you've identified well the source of your problem: The alcohol issue of your father and its impacts on your relationship and your life. It's probable that the best way to deal with this would be psychotherapy (or at least counselling). You might contact the school counsellor and talk about the issue and the treatment options. But if psychotherapy isn't an option for you right now, you may try to find more info about how to cope with and prevent panic attacks and how to deal with this kind of consequences of childhood trauma. We are not psychologists / therapists / counsellors here, but I hope some insights we can give will be helpful. For instance, how do you prepare yourself for the parties (or other occasions where drinking 'occurs')? You may try to visualise (imagine) it in advance, imagine your girlfriend drinking, observe your reactions, analyse them - by posing questions about their proper, hidden reasons ("What exactly do I fear, what am I anxious about? Why is this thing so powerful in my mind? Will the thing I fear really happen now? Is it probable that this alcohol I see here will have the consequences my mind associates with alcohol due to my father's behaviour? ...") - and then try to relax, sooth yourself, while still imagining being in the situation where you see your girlfriend drinking. Doing it once won't probably help, but by doing it regularly, you might desensitize yourself enough to be able to do "the same" (in your mind) when you're actually around her drinking. Also, you may reassure yourself by making "a deal" with your girlfriend about the alcohol: She may make a pledge to drink only a certain amount, not more, at every occasion - that would be not only good for her, but also for you: The certainty that she won't ever do anything excessive, scary, dangerous, ... would make you feel better, I think. That way, you may have a sense of a certain control over the situation. Because I imagine that a big part of your anxiety is the feeling that you cannot control her, thus you cannot control / influence the outcome - how much she drinks and how she behaves afterwards (if it's, one day, too much). What do you think? Also, you said you talked about it with her. What is her opinion and how does she feel about it? Is she trying to understand and being supportive? Take care!
  11. Hi, Ian, welcome! I'm sorry you've been struggling with self-harm and emotions / thoughts that trigger it . SI is, according to many, (as) an addition, so it's not easy to get out of it. Yet, it's definitely possible and worth the effort. As you came here to seek help and suggestions, it means you're ready to get rid of this maladaptive behaviour, which is great. I would say that what you did is a relapse, because the principle is the same (to cause pain to avoid / stop some emotions etc.), but it's good that the damage wasn't too big this time - I'm grateful to your mom that she removed all the more dangerous objects! It seems there's quite a lot of sites where you can find suggestions how to stop SI. I would recommend reading many of them and trying strategies to find what works best for you. For instance: https://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Self-Harming https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/cutting-relapse.html https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/speakingoutaboutselfinjury/self-harm-relapse-speaking-out-about-self-injury https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/self-harm/having-a-self-harm-relapse-5684.html https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/cutting-and-self-harm.htm https://www.7cups.com/qa-self-harm-19/how-can-i-stop-myself-from-relapsing-202/ We are here to 'listen' when you want to share more or need to 'vent'. Take care!
  12. Yes, people are idiots... (Sorry, I'm just in a mood to say generalizing banal sad truths.)
  13. I see that your experiences with your parents and classmates have been bad lately. Is it possible that your parents have their own issues and aren't able to be good / cool parents anymore? It's possibly a chalenge for them to raise a teenager, they aren't good at it and you conclude it is your fault, which is typical for children with "bad" parents of any kind. I understand that the conclusion that "people don't like me, so I isolate myself from them to avoid being hurt by their behaviour, rejection, ..." has a logic. I see you want to protect yourself. But by isolating themselves, people lose the chance to find other people, those who really like them. You're too young to make such a decision that could spoil all your life. When you'll go to a new school or find a job, you'll meet new people and it would be better to be prepared to be open to friendships, not to withdraw, expecting rejection. What do you think?
  14. Hello all, This could perhaps be useful to some of you: https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/should-sex-ever-be-a-reason-to-break-up/ some excerpts: You might try to find a woman who sees it this way (as do I, for instance - and this is proof that I'm not alone), then you may be less concerned about "being good enough in bed" etc. I know you'll tell me it's impossible to find such a woman or that it wouldn't help anyway. But perhaps you'll find something insightful in the article anyway. This may be crucial: You need to feel understood enough, including your SPS and resulting insecurities. And I know from this forum that that's usually a huge problem in a couple. But there are several wives here who genuinely try to understand and be helpful to their husband and improve their marriage. So women need more information. Open up to those who really love you and if they don't love you enough to react appropriately, then they aren't a good / suitable partner anyway. (I hope I didn't annoy anyone too much. It wasn't my intention. I know what a sensitive topic this is, but so far, it doesn't prevent me from trying to tacle it, in a hope to share something useful.)
  15. @YOTH, sorry for such a "out of topic" questions, but I'm curious and it's intriguing: How do you know about all those details of that night, who told you? I don't ask for a name, of course, just... who was there to see / hear it and then to tell you, Tom's friend (not family), although it's sensitive information. If it was some doctor present at the ER, he/she would probably (?) try to "hide the ugly truth about the ER / medical profession", wouldn't (s)he? So who was willing to inform you about the behaviour of the people who "received" them that night? Someone from the police who investigated it? And; is it (the coroner's report) public information now or you know because you had special relationship with Tom (or the coroner)? I wonder if "people" see it and take some lesson...
  16. Hi, William, welcome! I'm sorry for my late reply. I'm sorry you're feeling so alone, unloved, and confused . You're at a difficult age and things, including making friends, get often better in time. You mentioned you did have friends before, so you're definitely not a person that everyone would like to avoid! Consider what a small "sample" of all people your classmates are! If there isn't anyone that "fits" with you as a friend, it doesn't mean you won't find friends later (if you don't decide not to try anymore). It's a bit similar to finding love. It seems you are somehow different from your classmates. Are there any differences that come in mind, except for having such uncaring parents and not going out? Being "different" doesn't mean being worse or weird. It's just more difficult to form relationships. Do you know about hikikomori? I recommend to you reading about it, for instance here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hikikomori https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-23182523 There's something I think you really should try: Psychotherapy. Or, at least, consulting with a school counselor. Does your school have one? In any case, feel free to share more with us. I hope communicating on this forum will be somehow helpful to you (despite the usual lack of activity here these days). Good luck and take care!
  17. Hello, Valentin, welcome! There certainly are solutions to the problem, but it's up to you and the girl to find them together, if you're both willing to. Some professional help (a couples therapist) might be useful, but you can try alone if that's not possible / available. Before trying to find a way / "strategy" to avoid repeating the suffering you experienced in your first relationship, I would recommend learning a lot from psychologists about these topics. Here are some very good sources I know: https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/category/relationships/ -> mainly these chapters: https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/category/relationships/affairs/ https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/category/relationships/dating/ two videos: https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmiKAoAmYSg another interview: https://www.cbc.ca/player/play/1442593348001 and then some of these: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/collections/201908/why-we-cheat https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/infidelity https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2019/09/02/why-do-i-cheat/ You can ask that girl to read / watch that all, too and then have several sincere conversations about the issues discussed there. What do you think? Good luck!
  18. Hello, William, welcome! Feel free to share your thoughts and feelings about the way your condition influenced your life, or about "anything" else you'd like to 'talk' here about.
  19. Great post, @Under5! I agree with everything except for ...but I think it's the right (or rather: helpful) thing to think (about the universe etc.), so I don't object to the sentence being there.
  20. LaLa


    I heard that people who like movies and series like that also like "Money Heist" very much.
  21. I didn't tak eit personally, but thank you for mentioning it. I know Tom did speak up and was dismissed . I meant not just some individuals occasionally talking about their problems, but many people, explaining these issues as clearly as many of you do here. I had no idea . At the same time, I think this still means they do not know, because they don't really understand; if they did, they would have a very different opinion, approach, and reaction. Yes, I agree. BTW, I once (2 years ago?) e-mailed somewhere (I don't want to mention where, because I don't want to "spoil their image" / "shame them") - to "some" people who make popular YouTube videos about psychology - and I sent them a link to this SPS forum and asked them if they would make a video about this subject. I didn't get any answer. At the same time, I don't think such a video would make a big difference, but still... They probably just didn't know what exactly to say about it, how to present it. (Just BTW: Thank you; I'm glad I give / create such impression. I guess I'm not "too bad" nor "bad in general", yes. But I'd like to be better (kinder, more sensible, ...) in so many ways... Never mind. Sorry for not resisting the "urge" to mention it.) Take care, everyone.
  22. Hi again, this reminded me of you - children and teens who are mentally handicapped because their biological parents consumed alcohol: https://www.cbc.ca/radio/whitecoat/you-re-weird-you-re-different-and-nobody-wants-to-be-your-friend-the-loneliness-of-fasd-1.5075121 Would your parents say that it's their fault, that those kids are the problem, too?? How are you doing, BTW?
  23. It seems to me that it is the lack of awareness caused by the reticence of most men to discuss this topic. I saw several men here mentioning something of the kind that they "couldn't" speak to a therapist about this problem because they "wouldn't be understood"; but how can the mental-health-care community learn about the issue when nobody talks about it (to them or somewhere where they could see / hear it)? Just imagine the world where nobody with some different kind of problem wouldn't speak openly about it, seek help for it etc. - would you expect there being awareness and available (specialized) help? I don't blame the men suffering from SPS. I see that their issue itself prevents them from talking about the issue. At the same time, I feel partially responsible. Because it seems to me that probably the only people who could now create the awareness and advocate for change and better help would be women who, thanks to forums like this one, understand what a huge problem it is for quite many people. Yet, there's another problem: If the woman is married / in a relationship, then such 'advocacy' would lead people to believe she's doing it "for her partner", which would, in this horrible world, as you know, bring a lot of stigma to that partner (even if he wasn't 'small' at all). That's also my problem . Yet, I could do it somehow anonymously. I just don't know how (yet?). I think I should find a way... Any ideas how to do it?
  24. Hi, Renni, I'm sorry you feel this way and your parents aren't supportive and understanding! The conclusion that you are the problem is very wrong. Imagine this analogy: Imagine you have a flu or a broken leg. Both bring some unpleasant consequences, for you and others. Would it be logical to say, in such cases, that "you are the problem"? I hope it's obvious here that no. But it's the same if you have psychological problems. It's not "you", it's "the issues in your brain / mind". Your mental problems don't define you! You're more than their sum, they are only a small part of you, just very visible at the moment. It's very unfortunate that your parents don't want more therapy for you. What reasons did they give?? Could you share more about what they told you during the long talk? It might help us to see you the situation more clearly and search for some new approaches and solutions. Also, what kind of problems do you cause? I'm referring to this: Take care!
  25. @Josephine, hi again. I've just noticed this and it sounds like something you might be interested in: https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/the-feeling-of-being-back-in-love-with-the-person-youre-about-to-leave/
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