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Everything posted by LaLa

  1. I see that your experiences with your parents and classmates have been bad lately. Is it possible that your parents have their own issues and aren't able to be good / cool parents anymore? It's possibly a chalenge for them to raise a teenager, they aren't good at it and you conclude it is your fault, which is typical for children with "bad" parents of any kind. I understand that the conclusion that "people don't like me, so I isolate myself from them to avoid being hurt by their behaviour, rejection, ..." has a logic. I see you want to protect yourself. But by isolating themselves, people lose the chance to find other people, those who really like them. You're too young to make such a decision that could spoil all your life. When you'll go to a new school or find a job, you'll meet new people and it would be better to be prepared to be open to friendships, not to withdraw, expecting rejection. What do you think?
  2. Hello all, This could perhaps be useful to some of you: https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/should-sex-ever-be-a-reason-to-break-up/ some excerpts: You might try to find a woman who sees it this way (as do I, for instance - and this is proof that I'm not alone), then you may be less concerned about "being good enough in bed" etc. I know you'll tell me it's impossible to find such a woman or that it wouldn't help anyway. But perhaps you'll find something insightful in the article anyway. This may be crucial: You need to feel understood enough, including your SPS and resulting insecurities. And I know from this forum that that's usually a huge problem in a couple. But there are several wives here who genuinely try to understand and be helpful to their husband and improve their marriage. So women need more information. Open up to those who really love you and if they don't love you enough to react appropriately, then they aren't a good / suitable partner anyway. (I hope I didn't annoy anyone too much. It wasn't my intention. I know what a sensitive topic this is, but so far, it doesn't prevent me from trying to tacle it, in a hope to share something useful.)
  3. @YOTH, sorry for such a "out of topic" questions, but I'm curious and it's intriguing: How do you know about all those details of that night, who told you? I don't ask for a name, of course, just... who was there to see / hear it and then to tell you, Tom's friend (not family), although it's sensitive information. If it was some doctor present at the ER, he/she would probably (?) try to "hide the ugly truth about the ER / medical profession", wouldn't (s)he? So who was willing to inform you about the behaviour of the people who "received" them that night? Someone from the police who investigated it? And; is it (the coroner's report) public information now or you know because you had special relationship with Tom (or the coroner)? I wonder if "people" see it and take some lesson...
  4. Hi, William, welcome! I'm sorry for my late reply. I'm sorry you're feeling so alone, unloved, and confused . You're at a difficult age and things, including making friends, get often better in time. You mentioned you did have friends before, so you're definitely not a person that everyone would like to avoid! Consider what a small "sample" of all people your classmates are! If there isn't anyone that "fits" with you as a friend, it doesn't mean you won't find friends later (if you don't decide not to try anymore). It's a bit similar to finding love. It seems you are somehow different from your classmates. Are there any differences that come in mind, except for having such uncaring parents and not going out? Being "different" doesn't mean being worse or weird. It's just more difficult to form relationships. Do you know about hikikomori? I recommend to you reading about it, for instance here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hikikomori https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-23182523 There's something I think you really should try: Psychotherapy. Or, at least, consulting with a school counselor. Does your school have one? In any case, feel free to share more with us. I hope communicating on this forum will be somehow helpful to you (despite the usual lack of activity here these days). Good luck and take care!
  5. Hello, Valentin, welcome! There certainly are solutions to the problem, but it's up to you and the girl to find them together, if you're both willing to. Some professional help (a couples therapist) might be useful, but you can try alone if that's not possible / available. Before trying to find a way / "strategy" to avoid repeating the suffering you experienced in your first relationship, I would recommend learning a lot from psychologists about these topics. Here are some very good sources I know: https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/category/relationships/ -> mainly these chapters: https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/category/relationships/affairs/ https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/category/relationships/dating/ two videos: https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmiKAoAmYSg another interview: https://www.cbc.ca/player/play/1442593348001 and then some of these: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/collections/201908/why-we-cheat https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/infidelity https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2019/09/02/why-do-i-cheat/ You can ask that girl to read / watch that all, too and then have several sincere conversations about the issues discussed there. What do you think? Good luck!
  6. Hello, William, welcome! Feel free to share your thoughts and feelings about the way your condition influenced your life, or about "anything" else you'd like to 'talk' here about.
  7. Great post, @Under5! I agree with everything except for ...but I think it's the right (or rather: helpful) thing to think (about the universe etc.), so I don't object to the sentence being there.
  8. LaLa


    I heard that people who like movies and series like that also like "Money Heist" very much.
  9. I didn't tak eit personally, but thank you for mentioning it. I know Tom did speak up and was dismissed . I meant not just some individuals occasionally talking about their problems, but many people, explaining these issues as clearly as many of you do here. I had no idea . At the same time, I think this still means they do not know, because they don't really understand; if they did, they would have a very different opinion, approach, and reaction. Yes, I agree. BTW, I once (2 years ago?) e-mailed somewhere (I don't want to mention where, because I don't want to "spoil their image" / "shame them") - to "some" people who make popular YouTube videos about psychology - and I sent them a link to this SPS forum and asked them if they would make a video about this subject. I didn't get any answer. At the same time, I don't think such a video would make a big difference, but still... They probably just didn't know what exactly to say about it, how to present it. (Just BTW: Thank you; I'm glad I give / create such impression. I guess I'm not "too bad" nor "bad in general", yes. But I'd like to be better (kinder, more sensible, ...) in so many ways... Never mind. Sorry for not resisting the "urge" to mention it.) Take care, everyone.
  10. Hi again, this reminded me of you - children and teens who are mentally handicapped because their biological parents consumed alcohol: https://www.cbc.ca/radio/whitecoat/you-re-weird-you-re-different-and-nobody-wants-to-be-your-friend-the-loneliness-of-fasd-1.5075121 Would your parents say that it's their fault, that those kids are the problem, too?? How are you doing, BTW?
  11. It seems to me that it is the lack of awareness caused by the reticence of most men to discuss this topic. I saw several men here mentioning something of the kind that they "couldn't" speak to a therapist about this problem because they "wouldn't be understood"; but how can the mental-health-care community learn about the issue when nobody talks about it (to them or somewhere where they could see / hear it)? Just imagine the world where nobody with some different kind of problem wouldn't speak openly about it, seek help for it etc. - would you expect there being awareness and available (specialized) help? I don't blame the men suffering from SPS. I see that their issue itself prevents them from talking about the issue. At the same time, I feel partially responsible. Because it seems to me that probably the only people who could now create the awareness and advocate for change and better help would be women who, thanks to forums like this one, understand what a huge problem it is for quite many people. Yet, there's another problem: If the woman is married / in a relationship, then such 'advocacy' would lead people to believe she's doing it "for her partner", which would, in this horrible world, as you know, bring a lot of stigma to that partner (even if he wasn't 'small' at all). That's also my problem . Yet, I could do it somehow anonymously. I just don't know how (yet?). I think I should find a way... Any ideas how to do it?
  12. Hi, Renni, I'm sorry you feel this way and your parents aren't supportive and understanding! The conclusion that you are the problem is very wrong. Imagine this analogy: Imagine you have a flu or a broken leg. Both bring some unpleasant consequences, for you and others. Would it be logical to say, in such cases, that "you are the problem"? I hope it's obvious here that no. But it's the same if you have psychological problems. It's not "you", it's "the issues in your brain / mind". Your mental problems don't define you! You're more than their sum, they are only a small part of you, just very visible at the moment. It's very unfortunate that your parents don't want more therapy for you. What reasons did they give?? Could you share more about what they told you during the long talk? It might help us to see you the situation more clearly and search for some new approaches and solutions. Also, what kind of problems do you cause? I'm referring to this: Take care!
  13. @Josephine, hi again. I've just noticed this and it sounds like something you might be interested in: https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/the-feeling-of-being-back-in-love-with-the-person-youre-about-to-leave/
  14. Hi, Josephine, It seems something went wrong because you quoted my post but there's no text from you. In any case, I'm sorry I only posted some links instead of some 'proper' reply . I didn't have enough time and mainly wanted to let you know there's this insightful source of 'practical psychology'. I'm sorry you're going through such difficult issues . I don't have any advise for you, but I'd like you to know you're definitely not an idiot. Love really is like an addition and it brings very strong and even 'foolish' attachments and desires. It doesn't work in our best interests. And when your ex behaves like he does, coming back and forth, refusing you and giving you hope at the same time, it has to be very painful (which can't make the feelings of love go away, obviously). It's cliché, but it's true: Only time can heal this pain. But time when you're not 'constantly' reminded of him (by his texts, calls, ...) and when you don't give a chance to any hope (to go back together). At the same time, you need 'someone' - people close to you who are there for you, whom you can talk to, ... It seems you have those (friends and family). I hope these relationships will help you to cope and will accompany you through your healing process. Take care!
  15. Hi, Josephine, perhaps you can try these articles and/or videos as a possible 'help': https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/how-to-break-up/ https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/category/relationships/breaking-up-heartbreak/ Good luck!!!
  16. I'm so sorry there are people who see it this way (I mainly mean the importance of size, even in society (!?) and 'potency')... I'm not arguing here, I just want to show, at least to @Sheepish, that there are people (not just me!) who've never had any of such thoughts / opinions. The same (as about me) is true about my husband. He's never looked at men in this way - never judged them in such harsh, absurd ways. (BTW, I'm so curious how people with disabilities and chronic illnesses would see these issues. They would probably be angry that someone (even many people!) is making such a big fuzz about a normal part of a healthy body part, discriminating in such a terrible way instead of seeing healthiness as the only important criterium...)
  17. Hi, William, What you've been experiencing is definitely bullying . Telling your mom and at least one teacher you trust would be a good idea (let's hope they won't do anything that could make it worse - at leats teachers should know how to react and resolve the problem). But you can also educate yourself about strategies that may help you. You can google "how to stop being bullied at school" for instance, but you can start here, by reading these: https://kidshealth.org/en/kids/bullies.html https://dm-ed.com/news/how-to-stop-being-bullied/ https://www.stopbullying.gov/kids/what-you-can-do/index.html#bullied https://www.stompoutbullying.org/get-help/about-bullying-and-cyberbullying/are-you-being-bullied https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-couch/201702/6-smarter-ways-deal-bully Also, if you're comfortable watching videos in English, you can find many videos about this topic on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=how+to+bullying+at+school Good luck!!
  18. Thank you, @Sheepish, for all your explanations! It's more clear to me now. And I'm sorry if I made you feel somehow judged when I was surprised by your reaction (/ assumption that he might lie and be gay) . It's so nice to see that you're so committed to improve your marriage! (I don't have any advise as I don't have personal experiences with these issues. I hope some men here will have useful insights.) Good luck!!
  19. LaLa

    My MIL

    Hello again! How have you been doing in the meantime? I noticed, by chance, excerpts of a "reality show" called "Monster in-laws" on YouTube. Perhaps watching them might bring you some insights. For instance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=js-b-zchayU&list=PLWM30ekX3EBa92RYubyJitPEosc7yKwlM&index=3 https://youtu.be/3jOKHgKPiw0?list=PLWM30ekX3EBa92RYubyJitPEosc7yKwlM https://youtu.be/hMZKpFwrqtY?list=PLWM30ekX3EBa92RYubyJitPEosc7yKwlM https://youtu.be/fee89ki8JhQ?list=PLWM30ekX3EBa92RYubyJitPEosc7yKwlM "trailers": https://youtu.be/d7zBMHW7JyI?list=PLWM30ekX3EBa92RYubyJitPEosc7yKwlM https://youtu.be/imnczaqeprA?list=PLWM30ekX3EBa92RYubyJitPEosc7yKwlM https://youtu.be/dQZS6M66Z8g?list=PLWM30ekX3EBa92RYubyJitPEosc7yKwlM Take care!
  20. Hello and welcome! I don't know how many posts in the SPS forum you have read, but I suppose reading them could reassure you that what your husband has / had been doing is totally explainable by SPS. Quite many people posted their "dick-pics" (even more than one, really) on this forum during the years the forum exists - you just cannot see them because we, moderators, try to delete them ASAP. I have no idea why some people have this compulsion (to take such pics and post them publicly to be "judged / commented" by others), but they really do it. Your husband does't need to be gay to do the things he did. I know it's not "proof", but... why would you rather think he's gay than believe the more probable 'option'?
  21. LaLa

    Stress? Anxiety?

    Hi again, It's good that you've made the decision to see your doctor! I'm still mostly thinking about this part of your first post: It may be one of the main reasons of your problems, as one's not supposed to stop taking antidepressants after starting getting better. The fact that the medicatioon makes you feel better is a proof your brain needs it. And quitting has also side effects, sometimes quite strong. (You can google "Lexapro withdrawal" or "Going off antidepressants" or "Antidepressant withdrawal" to learn more.) May I ask when you stopped taking the medication and after how many weeks / months? Good luck!!!
  22. LaLa

    Stress? Anxiety?

    Hi, @Radya , welcome! First of all, don't worry about mistakes / English! We can understand you well and that's what matters. I'm sorry you've been feeling so unwell! It sounds like serious problems to me and I really think you should consult a professional. Might it be related to the fact you stoped taking your medication? I suppose it's possible, but I'm not a doctor. Also, heart problems can be caused by stress, too: https://www.activebeat.com/your-health/heart-palpitation-8-reasons-for-your-abnormal-heartbeat I'm sorry I don't have time now to write more, but I'll be back another time. Take care!
  23. (Sorry for not writing sooner ... Even now, I only have a while left!) I see. I didn't see her view as black-and-white, she seemed quite flexible to me in the series (taking into account some preferences of the 'clients'), but I don't know enough and also... the point is to find something you like and find helpful! I'll think about it and write more later. Take care!
  24. You're welcome, Lilly! I hope (seeing your enthusiasm ) I didn't give you some wrong impression that those articles will change everything for better. Healing is a long and complicated process. But I want you to know there are ressources like these (and surely many others - you can google even some more specific problems of yours) that can bring some useful hints, some guidance, clarifications, ... And I wish you to find them and put them into practice for your own good. You're worth it, you need and will get better, even if it probably sounds too hard to imagine to you, for the moment. Take care!
  25. Hi, Lilly, welcome! I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad and feel stuck in these problems . The most important thing I would suggest is to find a good psychiatrist. (Even though your current medication doesn't seem to be good for you, it should be possible to find the right one for you. Sometimes one has to try several medications (taking each for several weeks of months) before knowing what works. It's frustrating, but it's a long-term solution and I think it's worth it.) But as you say you cannot afford a doctor , I don't know if mentioning it is even worth it. But perhaps you'll find some affordable option you don't yet know about... (?) I've tried to find some helpful advises on the web, perhaps you'll find here something new that you could try: https://www.healthline.com/health/bipolar-disorder/mania#coping-with-mania https://www.helpguide.org/articles/bipolar-disorder/living-with-bipolar-disorder.htm https://www.healthlinkbc.ca/health-topics/ty6584 Also, this seems to be quite a big issue: I know it's not just a simple decision to change your priorities and behaviour and self-esteem, but I also know it's possible to make even such big changes (= start caring more about yourself, not overly trying to care for others, ...); it takes time and... professional help from a psychotherapist can be of huge help (I know; it's probably too expensive, but, please, check if there really aren't any affordable / free therapists (AND / OR a peer-support group or another kind of organisation helping people with mental illness!) where you live - sometimes you just don't know about it / them!). Here are some suggestions of reading about the topic: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-put-ourselves-last-why-self-care-priority/ https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201401/why-we-help-others-instead-ourselves https://www.terricole.com/the-danger-of-caring-about-others-more-than-yourself/ and The Book of life in general, for instance: https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/self-love/ https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/category/self-knowledge/mood/ Good luck and keep posting!
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