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Small last won the day on June 1

Small had the most liked content!

About Small

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    Psychology. Rain. Tea. Chocolate. Films. Melancholy. Machiavellianism. Deception. Conditioning. Psychological calculus. Love. Lust. Discussion. Illuminati. Pansexuality.
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    Please like my posts so I can win the day.

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  1. Small

    Tom...a real person

    A friend can make all the difference in the world.
  2. Small

    Tom...a real person

    @YOTH I'm sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to his friends & family. Tom & I messaged several months back, he seemed to have a good handle on things back then. Terrible news.
  3. Small

    My so called life

    forget it.
  4. Small

    My so called life

    @jazz Yeah it's such a slow, strange drama. Quite captivating & not at all scary.
  5. Small

    My so called life

    @jazz It's satisfying to find a film that truly fits your taste. Like Klingsor I can watch them over & over. I prefer old favourites to new films usually, but every now & then i get lucky and dig up a gem. I watched A ghost story last week. I don't know what to make of it other than liking it.
  6. Small

    My so called life

    @Klingsor I know what you mean about black swan. It's unfortunate that the sorts of films i like are usually sexually charged too. Unbreakable really is a testament to how confining nature is - even self actualization being forced into different directions. I rewatched the matrix last night. Had i seen it in my younger days, i bet I'd have been plagued with the nightmares of Agent Smith even til this day.
  7. Small

    My so called life

    @Klingsor Have you seen (Bruce Willis & Samuel L Jackson) Unbreakable? I saw it & thought of our many conversations.
  8. Small

    My so called life

    I liked a beautiful mind too. Have you seen A theory of everything?
  9. Small

    My so called life

    I just rewatched American Fable. Second time I've seen it & it really is a calming drama. It's about a small farming family that have a city businessman imprisoned in their Silo. Gitty, their young daughter stumbles upon him & they become friends. It themes the fable The Lion & The Mouse, where a lion trapped in a net convinces a mouse to help free him. And when he does, the lion eats the mouse.
  10. Small

    Confidence / Self Confidence

    Negative indeed, but true.
  11. Small

    My so called life

    @jazz I'm okay with being upset. Since boyhood I was worrying about something or another. The tides of sadness go from one place to another in me - never truly relenting. My problem is my situation & that I am stuck. It's one thing moving through life in despair but it's another not moving at all. I try to shape and control whatever's in my grasp, but i've noticed there are firm obstructions outside of my reach that stop me living even a substandard existence. I'm like a mouse trapped inside a maze of which there's neither a centre nor an exit. So I wonder full of purpose but from the very beginning it was always futile. I can't fault myself so much as these universal barriers - call them chance, fate ot karma. I don't know. But i am the true loser because I still try & struggle. Am i churning the cream into butter or am I tightening the noose around my neck? I'm not perfect because i have bad habits. At least if i didn't try i wouldn't experience so much turbulence, or the humiliation of seeing how little I yield from what I sow. I feel useless. It rained on Sunday - there was a thunderstorm. It hadn't rained that hard in years. I watched it from my doorstep at first, the thunder rolled continuously with no break. I've never heard that before. The lighting flashed 3, 4 even 5 times per set. I got my umbrella and walked to the park. Some people feel happy on a sunny beach, others in the bustling city. But stood under the heavy clouds & continous storm i felt at one with myself. It's so peaceful. The walkways turned into makeshift streams, the grass into marshland. But i swear until this day, the wonder of rain gushing from the heavens always takes my breath away. It is so, so, beautiful. I'm rambling. I am just stuck. Some of us have to be.
  12. Small

    My so called life

    @IrmaJean I've been skating yeah. I'm still not confident enough to skate outdoors so the lap around the park hasn't happened. The cracks and overall uneven "terrain" really jerks me around. Do u have tips regarding that? (I can skate just fine indoors so idk how to address that.)
  13. Small

    My so called life

    Sorry Jazz, I'm sure u would have made lovely company but i was consumed by grief. I've seen my friends a few times since i last mentioned & I'm in a WhatsApp chat group with them. I've only played football with them twice & have declined anymore invitations regarding that. It's sad to see that they have moved on so much, and that I'm probably the outsider. One small positive is that I'm not "hiding" (as they put it) from them anymore. They know how to reach me & I'm always up for non-sport related things with them. I'm still trying to address a lot of ongoing issues, failing mostly. For what it's worth I'm still trying and giving it my best efforts but alas. I feel stuck since so much is outside of my control. I've self harmed a few times too since my last post regarding it, but it's largely under control. I've quit the more harmful things and stick to what i can handle. I don't know if i can ever stop it fully. Other than that i have small ups but massive downs. And i am talking suicidal. I recently opened up to my mum but now I'm consumed by guilt because I know she'll worry about me. I should have kept it to myself. It's been just over 9 months since Resolutes passing & i have been checking his profile ever since. Maybe it's out of habit, maybe out of hope that he's somehow back.
  14. Small

    My so called life

    Gosh. I am so ...... Miserable.
  15. Small

    Planning. I'm not good at it.

    He text me again today, saying to come for football this evening. I'm not as keen because my legs are still sore & I was so bad last time. But I might go anyway. I have a few hours to think about it. We have a thing on Sunday I've already agreed to which isn't sports related thank god.