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reitso

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About reitso

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  • Birthday 12/17/1995

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  1. so I though I has small penis syndrome but it seems like inferiority complex explains my issue more, so where shall I post about my problem here?
  2. I'm even dis-encouraged to beat off currently; like I don't want to feel it; I am even thinking of cutting off my genitals.
  3. would professional help really help? is there any sign for it?
  4. I feel anger but I don't have time to show it; and you know what sucks the most? Feeling you were introduced to a game that you are meant to lose.
  5. I was inspired by another post here by a fellow member -IR radiation-, so I decided to rethink about my mindset and unexpectedly some issues surfaced; issues I thought of as CONCLUDED, but they seem not to really have been; since it seems to be a big post I will isolate different issues in separate paragraphs -sorry for my chemist/pharmacist-like expressions- #1 My penis: this issue surfaced by the age of 8, I think; when I started being sexually active; I engaged in lots of same-sex activities -sexual for sure I am living in a third world country, just think about a ghetto place and that will pretty much be it-; as my other post suggests I felt extreme inadequate down there; it was the shortest and the thinnest back in the day at least -I am not sure of now-; my inadequacy was shifted into self hate after I was used by a babysitter/child caregiver, in 2003/2004 and raped by 4:6 high-school juniors 1 years later -forced falletio, dry humping and beating- later I was so into watching porn that I was absorbed by it; my factual introduction was indeed by that child caregiver, but I didn't really understand a thing during that time, I just watched it with her and did to her what she asks; I watched for the faps and to learn -any of my family members wasn't an option-; I was fed by a higher state of inadequacy -interracial porn ruined me-; a preteen/early teen comparing himself to porn-stars -an unfair challenge and even more unfair when the black stereotypes are taken in consideration, but tell me back then- I was disturbed by some questions? why my member is tiny? why it's not straight like those I'm seeing and have seen? as I grew up I learned about the tricks they use in the porn industry, and that statistically I am gifted in length and normal in girth and can get around it through implants; I also found out that all those years I have watched around 13 terabytes of porn videos -not including pictures-; but you know confidence is from the inside, so I know facts and info; HOWEVER, the void has devoured something in; I don't feel but inadequate and unworthy of girls. #2 My sexuality: getting turned on is not a problem of the most; not mine neither; however in public, with real people,yeah it is; not only I am picky but also fear blocks me; fear of disapproval, segregation, discrimination; peers, parents, and society don't approve gay relationships, and the obvious from #1 I utterly afraid to ask out any girl or even getting near them; but now I am no more of afraid, just more of down; left the competition. Let girls find better men while I conceal my last piece of respect I may have from this competition, which I am not qualified to enter; I used to think I am straight and that all my homosexual encounters in the past was experiencing my sexuality; I know girls turn me on but I don't know if the extreme hardness to get a hard on by girls is out of being gay or being afraid; since I never out of this fear, I don't know. I am just sure I am turned on by both sexes so maybe I am a bisexual? dunno! #3 Incestual feelings! that's fucked up and I know it, but I am sexually attracted to my mother from the age of 7 until now, and I'm 19 years old; however I would never bang my own mother and I won't even try; not just because I am afraid of her like other woman, but also because I know she don't share this feeling to me and that she is my mother; I also understand its even more evolutionary fucked up to be my own mother's lover because wasn't only one version of some shit like me enough for this world, and also their will be a 75% chance for my offspring with her to be as worthless as I, unlike a maximum 50% if it was another girl out of my entire family; just I will never do it with my mother; but I can't deny the fact I WANT her, and I don't really know what to do about it. #4 My past, I'm not alone! I only remembered the "getting-raped" incidents of my childhood nearly a year an a half ago when some online troll sent me a video in which a child was being used. I opened it unsuspecting, and this Filipino child-caregiver face haunted my vision; I re-experienced all of what happened in the past; a year later, I understood that the video actually freed memories, which my brain suppressed to ease my trauma -as I was taking a course in psychology-; as tears, which also screwed my vision, was running down my cheeks, I said to myself: "I wasn't alone, this child, too, is being used and I can't help it. what a cruel life -I was mortified-"; I wasn't afraid of carrying the video because DUH I'm in a third-world country, but I deleted it since the unease it have driven me into is beyond expressions -I don't ever want to relive my past-; I don't really know why? but I feel bad, really bad....like I another child will be as ruined/worthless as me and feel the void, which I thought I am alone of having all those years; LOSS!
  6. I feel this way because I believe I am not equipped with a member that can be satisfying; its not in a femdom way. To make it clear lets say a girl asked to date me; whats come to my mind is what a girl like her would do with someone like me then I refuse because I want her to invite a man better than I; its like when a straight-A-student go asks a D-student a scientific question.
  7. see that doesn't apply to me; regardless of whoever's inadequacy or whatever statistics say; when I face a girl I can't feel anything but I am inferior and that she's superior to me; like that I am an F quality while she is an A one; its just I don't worth somebody like this and that I can't give her what she wants; and to be a realist, say if I actually satisfy her, I won't feel that I did a good job; I feel like she is hiding the "you SUCK" statement to be nice. I tried to get out of this mindset but I am imprisoned inside this cage that other people think of being made of thin air, while I can feel, see, touch and perceive the coldness of its steel. and btw I didn't say this to any of my parents all those years, but I think my mother knows; I just told them not to expect seeing me one day next to a girl and child.
  8. I never had sex with girls before, and as you may have already known, I am not willing to any soon. It's just that I feel inadequate in size and I know that my EXTREME insecurity is the actual "fuck up". I mean that I understand that my size is more than fine but all those years I can't feel "fine". In other words, I know that from a statistical point of view, I am big; however all the facts failed to actually change my mind/subconscious. I still FEEL inadequate. This year, I stressed on abstinence because I am not secure which is obviously a deal breaker. if you asked me about my penis size, I would say small because that how I see it even in mirrors. another factor which maybe important: my thighs are 31.5 inches in circumference and 16 inches in length ; so it maybe a reason why I "see my penis small"? even if my above statement is true; still I can't feel anything about my size but being small and inferior
  9. so you mean it's not SPS alone it's a mixture of different disorders?
  10. need to continue living in this storming blender-like environment; don't really know when and how to end it; however I don't see light at the end of the tunnel
  11. disregarding the fact that some girls have shown interest in me and I always ends up with me acting blunt and cold to refuse their interest; I don't feel enough for a girl; like I worth nobody; I don't know why I feel this way. its like I don't fee like a man. I wonder if porn ruined my mind since it was forced onto me by the age of 4-6 by my babysitter, who also forced me to do on her what's in the videos -my parents found out, fired her and punished me because boys can't be raped by girls they said-; I was also raped by 5 guys 3 years later; I can't help but spitting on my projection on the mirror.
  12. I had sex before but with the same sex so yeah I seen lots of guys of my country and I am indeed the smallest among all the guys I've seen; its just my penis really looks small I don't know why :'( its 7 inches on the measure but when the ruler is taken away it's like 3 inches just WTF
  13. so for, now I can do nothing; I'll just suffer; it seems natural selection rules me out
  14. actually yes I am embarrassed of my country more than I am from my penis
  15. it means psychological issues = crazy, and people don't work in this field
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