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TooOld4This

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  1. Like
    TooOld4This reacted to Tangysalt in Adult Survivors of Bullying   
    I just want to say that I'm a survivor of bullying. I've sort of kept track of people I knew back then. Although not one of them has ever come forward to apologize, I can honestly say I am happy that many them never had children. I don't know if it was by choice or not, but I have a huge sense of satisfaction from that. For example, there was a girl in school who put a "Kick me, I'm dumb" sign on my back. She never became a mother. I am glad she will never know that kind of joy in her life time. There was also a guy that attacked me every day in algebra class in eighth grade. His parents were wealthy and the school wouldn't do anything. He also, never became a dad. I'm rejoice in that, he won't be passing on his values to the next generation. I also think some of these old bullies still hate me. I okay with that. In fact, I'm comfortable with it now. What's that Zen saying? It is what it is.
  2. Like
    TooOld4This got a reaction from jazz in Hello--need some advice   
    I can make another recommendation, Bella, from my own experience:  take your son to a stylist, preferably a female one.  I know you're fundamentally a good mother, Bella; a bad one wouldn't bother to ask for help.
    One of the main causes of my emotional stagnation when i was his age was, i didn't know how to look normal.
    Many teenagers are self-conscious about their appearance (or even ashamed of it; i know i was).   This causes them to withdraw and not interact with peers.  I think it also draws negative responses from peers, too.  Other young people sense their self-consciousness and they read it as either weakness or hostility.
    I'm sick of adults who say, "just have confidence, and people will like you."  Pure myth and nonsense.  Confidence can't be manufactured out of nothing.
    If you get him a few sessions with a professional stylist who can guide him into dressing and grooming himself in a way that's appropriate for him, then he'll know that he looks normal.  Dancing lessons or tennis lessons wouldn't hurt, either.  
    Your son needs to have a REASON to be confident; then the confidence (and the social life) will follow.  
  3. Like
    TooOld4This got a reaction from jazz in Hello--need some advice   
    I can make another recommendation, Bella, from my own experience:  take your son to a stylist, preferably a female one.  I know you're fundamentally a good mother, Bella; a bad one wouldn't bother to ask for help.
    One of the main causes of my emotional stagnation when i was his age was, i didn't know how to look normal.
    Many teenagers are self-conscious about their appearance (or even ashamed of it; i know i was).   This causes them to withdraw and not interact with peers.  I think it also draws negative responses from peers, too.  Other young people sense their self-consciousness and they read it as either weakness or hostility.
    I'm sick of adults who say, "just have confidence, and people will like you."  Pure myth and nonsense.  Confidence can't be manufactured out of nothing.
    If you get him a few sessions with a professional stylist who can guide him into dressing and grooming himself in a way that's appropriate for him, then he'll know that he looks normal.  Dancing lessons or tennis lessons wouldn't hurt, either.  
    Your son needs to have a REASON to be confident; then the confidence (and the social life) will follow.  
  4. Like
    TooOld4This got a reaction from 1997Henry in Dealing with Perfectionism and Self-Hatred *Triggering*   
    I've lived with self-hatred myself, since about age 10.
    I remember my religious community, how hard they tried to give me a sense of self-worth: they had a slogan, "God made you, and God doesn't make junk."  A very worthy idea, to try and plant unconditional self-acceptance in a troubled adolescent.  But it was only good for as long as the Sabbath lasted and i was in the cocoon of that group.  
    Inevitably, Monday came, as it always does; and i was back in mainstream secular society.  There, my intelligence was mocked as nerdness, my sensitivity was mocked as homosexuality (what-- you thought homophobia doesn't exist in secular society?  You obviously haven't lived in small-town America), and my awkwardness was punished with bullying and shaming.  
    I started slapping myself in the face at around age 16, then cut myself for the first time at age 18.  I still have the scar on my left arm.
    Mr. Encyclopedia and Pax, i wish you better times ahead.  I wish you a better youth and young adulthood than i had.  You are precious in the eyes of God (i know, i know: you may both be atheists.  In this specific context, just go with it, OK?),  My prayer is that you will both have happy lives where you are accepted and loved just as you are.
  5. Thanks
    TooOld4This got a reaction from jazz in Stop speaking up for bullies, will you please?   
    Yesterday my wife experienced this problem; exactly this scenario.
    She saw one of her pupils kicking another boy.  She got in his face and told him "NO!!" and, when he ignored her and resumed attacking the other boy (because that's what bullies do), she pulled him away.   The special education coordinator (who is NOT a teacher, just a bureaucrat on the premises who lectures the teachers on how they should let aggressive children do whatever they want) reported my wife TO THE POLICE.   The cops questioned her and everything, and she is now suspended (albeit with pay) from her job.
    This is what i was talking about; this is what i saw in school and have read in countless articles:  adults who treat the bully as if he were the victim, and punish anyone who tries to give the bully what he deserves.   No rigorous psychological study has ever confirmed that bullies are victims with low self-esteem.   The rigorous studies have all concluded that (what a surprise!) it is the VICTIMS of bullying who have the low self-esteem.   
    The idea that bullies somehow deserve compassion and sympathy is a myth.  It's a lie fabricated by shallow middle-class writers and academics who hate authority and love "bad boys."
  6. Like
    TooOld4This got a reaction from YOTH in Adult Survivors of Bullying   
    Well hello all: it's me, TO4T checking in again.  
    I just turned 60 last week.  (So maybe i should change my avatar to "MUCH Too Old 4 This"?)
    Honestly i can't say that i've experienced much improvement in my self-image.  Over the 5 or so years that i've been posting in this chat, i've been doing a number of activities to try and make myself feel better:  i've traveled to a number of foreign countries with my wife, i bought my wife some expensive gifts, i've marched in several protest demonstrations against -- well, i'm American, so you can guess whom we were protesting against, i worked for a political campaign, i have been drawing political cartoons against [same person, and his supporters], and i'm helping to organize an alternative church (one where, hopefully, Franklin Graham and Pat Robertson would feel very uncomfortable).
    But looking over the 50 years since the bullying started, i can't really say that the hurt went away.  Maybe it does for most people; it didn't for me.  What happened, mostly, was i looked for distractions (like drawing or travel) and focused on the distractions as much as possible.   I don't know, i've stopped trying to look at the world the same way happy people do.  I've noticed that most of them had advantages or privileges that i never had, so it's relatively easy for them to see the sunshine.   But me -- i can't live their life; i have to live my own.  I smile at people whenever i can, speak compliments and encouragement to my co-workers, kiss my wife for no reason at all, tell my friends how grateful i am to have them in my life, and try to remember as many good experiences as i've been lucky to have had.  I'm not a dreamer, i'm a liver.  I look down at the concrete under my feet and try to find something interesting there; because that's reality.
    Hope you all are finding some way of moving up.  But even if you aren't, keep posting; and we'll all be sad together when we need it.
  7. Thanks
    TooOld4This got a reaction from jazz in My so called life   
    Hello everyone,
    It's been awhile since i've posted; but i haven't gone anywhere.
    I've spent the last year just trying to overcome the inferiority feelings that i've detailed in other posts.
    I've marched in a number of political protests to overcome my despair over the last election (hint: i'm in the USA), i wrote long and heavily-illustrated letters to my Senators and other political leaders (because a picture's worth a thousand words), and i'm running a Slide Show of pictures from my last two trips abroad scrolling on the Desktop of my work computer, to make me thankful for the chance to travel.  I'm hoping that, by physically practicing thankfulness, that i won't spend so much time remembering everything that was humiliating and pathetic during my youth.
    How's everyone else doing?
  8. Thanks
    TooOld4This got a reaction from jazz in My so called life   
    Hello everyone,
    It's been awhile since i've posted; but i haven't gone anywhere.
    I've spent the last year just trying to overcome the inferiority feelings that i've detailed in other posts.
    I've marched in a number of political protests to overcome my despair over the last election (hint: i'm in the USA), i wrote long and heavily-illustrated letters to my Senators and other political leaders (because a picture's worth a thousand words), and i'm running a Slide Show of pictures from my last two trips abroad scrolling on the Desktop of my work computer, to make me thankful for the chance to travel.  I'm hoping that, by physically practicing thankfulness, that i won't spend so much time remembering everything that was humiliating and pathetic during my youth.
    How's everyone else doing?
  9. Haha
    TooOld4This reacted to YOTH in How to apologize   
    I regret to inform you that I am regularly apologising and find myself in situations like this on a weekly if not, daily basis. I'm not sure what impact my actions have had on you and I can't guarantee it won't happen again, not that I care very much anyway as I'm extremely busy buying low and selling high. 
    Again, I regret the situation and my secretary Linda apologises from the bottom of her fragile egg shell heart. 
    Many thanks.
    Mr Ralph ( pronounced Rafe )  Mupplit-Jones Jr
  10. Like
    TooOld4This reacted to jazz in I did something foolish yesterday   
    I think that often when someone looks back on a relationship they see it as a whole - the good times and the bad. Otherwise why would so many couples who broke up years before find each other and get back together? Hope you won't be too tough on yourself, TO4T.
  11. Like
    TooOld4This got a reaction from LaLa in I don't know who I am   
    Hope you find a way forward, PrettyLou.
    Just because your career and relationship aren't finished yet, that doesn't make you a failure.
    Plenty of people are in your situation when they're your age; i remember i certainly was.
    It looks very hopeless, i know; but it's not.
    Keep doing good work at the jobs you have, and try to find options for further education.
    I don't know what country you're in, but if you're in the USA or Canada (as it sounds), there are community colleges that can give you very useful (and inexpensive) career education.
     
    PrettyLou, there's a company somewhere out there who needs you.  Not somebody like you; you.   There's a young man somewhere out there who yearns for a girlfriend, and you're perfect for him.  
    Don't lose hope.  You'll make it to your destination one day at a time.  Keep going to work and meeting people.  You're perfect for someone.
  12. Like
    TooOld4This got a reaction from jazz in whining thread   
    Finally, some comfort.
    Yesterday i marched in the local March for Women's and Human Rights.
    I don't feel like a victim of the Trump Movement anymore.  Now i feel like a member of a resistance movement.

  13. Like
    TooOld4This reacted to IrmaJean in whining thread   
    Good for you for standing up for your beliefs and taking action. That feels empowering, doesn't it. 
    Good to see you smiling too.
  14. Like
    TooOld4This reacted to Small in My so called life   
    Beth, 
    I don't like nature no. These days all I think about is my job. I have an obsessive mind and I often lose myself to it. I used to be extremely introspective, examining and almost worshipping my inner state of mind. These days I tend to give myself far less attention than I once did.
     
    Why? Because I am commiting the ultimate sin of looking away from myself and into the world. This depresses me. I'm still introverted, but I'm usually engaging thoughts that shouldn't concerned me. I am going to do my best to engage myself more though because this is something that is of true importance to me.
     
    The main reason I like horror films is because I love feeling a response from inside me. The nervousness, fear, and sense of agitation make me feel human and it's addictive. When I was at university I would walk home through a park every evening. Most of the park was dimly litten but there was a long stretch that was pitch black. I couldn't even see the ground - or my hand if I put it in front of my face. I loved how that made me feel.
     
    When you reach inwards you find light, and that's something special. When I reach inward I find the dark, and that's also special. It's warm, isolated, and full the rawest form of my mental being. I see the psyche like an astronomer would see the starlit sky. Full of beauty, danger, and wonder. It's a thing to be celebrated - be it light or dark. 
     
  15. Like
    TooOld4This got a reaction from jazz in whining thread   
    Way to go, Pax.  You did some ass-whooping of your own.
    Remember the Chinese proverb:  "a journey of a thousand miles [or li; they don't have miles in Asia.] begins with a single step."
    You successfully did Step 1.  You can do Step 2 too.
     
  16. Like
    TooOld4This got a reaction from jazz in whining thread   
    Way to go, Pax.  You did some ass-whooping of your own.
    Remember the Chinese proverb:  "a journey of a thousand miles [or li; they don't have miles in Asia.] begins with a single step."
    You successfully did Step 1.  You can do Step 2 too.
     
  17. Like
    TooOld4This got a reaction from jazz in whining thread   
    Way to go, Pax.  You did some ass-whooping of your own.
    Remember the Chinese proverb:  "a journey of a thousand miles [or li; they don't have miles in Asia.] begins with a single step."
    You successfully did Step 1.  You can do Step 2 too.
     
  18. Like
    TooOld4This got a reaction from jazz in whining thread   
    Way to go, Pax.  You did some ass-whooping of your own.
    Remember the Chinese proverb:  "a journey of a thousand miles [or li; they don't have miles in Asia.] begins with a single step."
    You successfully did Step 1.  You can do Step 2 too.
     
  19. Like
    TooOld4This reacted to Klingsor in whining thread   
    I passed all my classes. Made not a great grade in the problem class, but GPA holding above 3.5 currently so I guess crisis averted for now. At least I can enjoy the holidays without worrying about being out on my ass again w/no income. As always for anyone who G.A.S.
  20. Like
    TooOld4This got a reaction from Klingsor in whining thread   
    Wishing you the best, Pax
    Keep trying, don't give up.  I relate to the sense of hopelessness that comes from repeated failure.
    I finished law school in 1985, and began a long series of failures that lasted through 2008.
    That's 23 years, if you're doing the math.
    But stay strong and keep pushing forward.  Eventually you'll show them.
  21. Like
    TooOld4This got a reaction from Victimorthecrime in whining thread   
    From one bullying survivor to another, VotC, wishing you the best.
  22. Like
    TooOld4This reacted to Victimorthecrime in whining thread   
    Thanks for the kind words Res & Irma.  It's a complicated situation but yes I do have a few people I talk to and believe me I am taking to them.  So far, gotta be honest, not getting the answers I hoped to hear.  BUT I am hoping that some things will open up in the new year 2017, things that aren't visible at the moment.  I'll keep you posted.  
  23. Like
    TooOld4This reacted to LaLa in The News [TRIGGER warning: US elections]   
    Well, I think that if someone judges you, who didn't vote for him, based on others who did, then (s)he's too stupid and his/her opinion about this doesn't matter.
    I think it would be good for you to come up with an answer to such questions you mentioned, so that you could use it immediately / automatically without feeling confused and/or embarrassed. I think you could, for instance, choose several good articles (and/or videos / podcasts) which sufficiently analyse "the Trump phenomenon" and have the references always with you and just give them to the person who asks you about it, saying something like: "Look, I'm similarly horrified as you are by the result,  by the number of his voters, and by what's happening now in our country. But it's too complicated for me to explain it to you in few sentences. Many scholars have already tried to analyse the situation and it's always quite complicated and long. If you're truly interested in this issue, I recomment you there articles: ..."
     
    I would recommend, for instance, these videos / mp3-podcasts;
    http://meaningoflife.tv/?s=trump - probably mainly: http://meaningoflife.tv/videos/37150, http://meaningoflife.tv/videos/37234, and http://meaningoflife.tv/videos/36641 ... and http://meaningoflife.tv/videos/37086
    and from a different source:
    https://soundcloud.com/ intelligence2/the-rise-of- populism-and-the-backlash- against-the-elites
    And this is probably a good read for Americans:
    http://qz.com/846940/a-yale-history-professors-20-point-guide-to-defending-democracy-under-a-trump-presidency/
    P.S.: Sorry for replying so late  . I hadn't seen these posts sooner.
    And, BTW, I'm a European  .
  24. Like
    TooOld4This got a reaction from LaLa in The News [TRIGGER warning: US elections]   
    Wow, Pax, thanks for the W.B. Yeats quote.  The Homer of Ireland.
    As relevant today as it was then.
    I'll offer this one from Yeats, too:
    We know their dream; enough 
    To know they dreamed and are dead;   
    And what if excess of love   
    Bewildered them till they died?   

    Now and in time to be, 
    Wherever green is worn, 
    Are changed, changed utterly:   
    A terrible beauty is born.
    It's too easy to focus on the ugliness.  We can help our nation to give birth to that beauty.
    Let's get busy.
  25. Like
    TooOld4This got a reaction from LaLa in The News [TRIGGER warning: US elections]   
    Wow, Pax, thanks for the W.B. Yeats quote.  The Homer of Ireland.
    As relevant today as it was then.
    I'll offer this one from Yeats, too:
    We know their dream; enough 
    To know they dreamed and are dead;   
    And what if excess of love   
    Bewildered them till they died?   

    Now and in time to be, 
    Wherever green is worn, 
    Are changed, changed utterly:   
    A terrible beauty is born.
    It's too easy to focus on the ugliness.  We can help our nation to give birth to that beauty.
    Let's get busy.
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